Written by Pointer

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Bush prefers the abacus

Worst President Ever, GW Bush, has released an economics report demonstrating that the War in Iraq has been an overwhelming financial success.

"I did the arithmetic and when you calculate the worth of a human body and the oil profits spilling out of Iraq, even if you subtract the 50% stolen by insurgents like Halliburton, this war is a winner for oil men like me and Laura," WPE GWB explained.

He then whipped out an abacus from his holster and showed the proof:

"How much is my body worth?"

When we total the monetary value of the elements in our bodies and the value of the average person's skin, we arrive at a net worth of \$4.50!

The U.S. Bureau of Chemistry and Soils invested many a hard-earned tax dollar in calculating the chemical and mineral composition of the human body, which breaks down as follows:

65% Oxygen
18% Carbon
10% Hydrogen
3% Nitrogen
1.5% Calcium
1% Phosphorous
0.35% Potassium
0.25% Sulfur
0.15% Sodium
0.15% Chlorine
0.05% Magnesium
0.0004% Iron
0.00004% Iodine

Additionally, it was discovered that our bodies contain trace quantities of fluorine, silicon, manganese, zinc, copper, aluminum, and arsenic. Together, all of the above amounts to less than one dollar!

Our most valuable asset is our skin, which the Japanese invested their time and money in measuring. The method the Imperial State Institute for Nutrition at Tokyo developed for measuring the amount of a person's skin is to take a naked person, and to apply a strong, thin paper to every surface of his body. After the paper dries, they carefully remove it, cut it into small pieces, and painstakingly total the person's measurements. Cut and dried, the average person is the proud owner of fourteen to eighteen square feet of skin, with the variables in this figure being height, weight, and breast size. Basing the skin's value on the selling price of cowhide, which is approximately \$.25 per square foot, the value of an average person's skin is about \$3.50."

"Now factor in that oil is going at \$100 per barrel and Iraq is producing thousands of these a day. We have more than covered the cost of the 4,000 US corpses. Now you may argue that there are tens of thousands of Iraqi stiffs and I hear that may be true. But when you consider what them poor bastards have eaten during the first five years of me and McCain's Hundred Year War. It don't amount to a hill of Iraqi garbanzos.I rest my case!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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