LANCASTER, Mich. - In an effort to support manufacturing jobs and help the environment, GM announced it will produce horse driven carriages. The motorized carriage will be phased out by the year 2018 to meet the standards of the Energy and Fair Labor Bill.
United Auto Workers spokesman Hugh Slesswerk said, "this is a milestone for working families. Gone are the days of ever-increasing layoffs, and outsourcing of American jobs. Our new powerless method of manufacturing will save energy and ensure that it takes several times longer to produce our product, thus creating job security. A new contract is being negotiated to prevent the hiring of nonunion labor. Amish advisers will be appointed, provided they join the union."
Some models are expected to sell for as low as $8,000 but the power source is the most expensive option and it is not included. Instead of using an engine as a propulsion method, a locomotive animal known as a horse can be attached to the vehicle to supply power. Horses need to fill up multiple times per day on an energy source known as food. The food is typically made up of oats, fruit, or hay. Water too must be added several times daily. It acts as a coolant. Unlike the gasoline engine, horses must be fed even on days when the carriage is not driven. Horses are believed to run cleaner than petroleum fueled cars, but they do emit methane gas.
"This is a great day for America," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "Soon the streets will be flooded with a revolutionary earth friendly technology: the horse and buggy. Now consumers will have the option to buy one hundred percent American made transports. Why anyone would choose a cheap foreign gas guzzling hybrid is beyond me, which is why we're legally removing that option. Finally, real environmental progress is being made. The nonmotorized carriage marks the start of a new age: an age of green."
According to the EPA, buggies are not the only things that will flood the streets. There will be brown, and lots of it. The EPA predicts a "drastic drop" in carbon emissions, though "much more aromatic horse emissions will skyrocket." Studies have begun on the effects of excremental waste on shoes, carpeting and lungs. The horse dung industry is expecting record growth next quarter.