CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington - Soon, on your supermarket and drug store shelves... NUKITALL! Feeling energetic, wanting freedom, justice, and the American way? This company has the cure for you! NUKITALL! Just one dose can make you lazy, tired, and lethargic, forgetting all those crazy ideas about the Bill of Rights and other articles of the Constitution.
The new product was commissioned by President Bush who wrote an executive order allowing him to bypass the FDA if he so chooses. He used his new power to put NUKITALL! straight through to a supermarket or drug store near you!
The plant intends to go into full production by the end of the month, just in time for Halloween. Concerns about the cracks in the reactors expressed by environmentalists have been declared terrorist statements, so they intend to push the reactors to their limits.
Marketing Supervisor, Ima Nasshole said, "I don't know what these environmentalists are griping about. Even when reactors melt down, all it does is kill a few thousand worthless people. NUKITOL! can help fight terrorism and ease your worries about our president becoming a dictator. After all, he SHOULD be a dictator. He's done more for wealthy corporations than any president in history. Our product can help turn America into a Christian Right nation who blindly follows our leader to the gates of hell. Isn't that a good thing?"
She further adds, "For a limited time, we are licensing distributors in a pyramid scheme approved by the president. Act now to get the maximum benefit of the profits that will be created by the marketing of our product."
President Bush stated, "Mah fellow Ameericuns. I encurige yoo to by sum of this wunderful product an take it every day. It will help stop terrerism rite here in Ameericuh. Sum peeple are gettin' idears. Idears aren't good fer Ameericuh. They help the terrerists. They cud cause another terrerist attack! I intent to implument a progrum in the schools ta give a NUKITOL! to every child in school on the free lunch progrum. It'll be part of my 'No Child Left Alive' ejumacashun bill. Rite yur Congrusmun an' have him or she support mah bill."
Warning: Side effects may include hair loss, internal hemmoraging, lesions on the skin, glowing in the dark, and death.
Be a loyal Bush American! NUKITALL! Get some at a store near you!