Written by Jalapenoman
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Monday, 15 January 2007

image for Former V.P. Al Gore Announces New Inventions
The inventor of the internet may be the most prolific scientist since Edison

Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore, who claims to have invented the internet, has announced a list of the other things that he has invented. Many speculate that this has been done to boost a possible push for his party's 2008 nomination for the Presidency.

At a news conference today on Capitol Hill, Gore was handing out copies of a list of his inventions to reporters. Items on that list included the following things, with explanations and historical insights from Al Gore:

Post it notes ("Romy and Michelle said that they invented these in their movie, but only because I gave them permission.")

Cell Phones, along with their cameras and instant messaging ("When I created the Dick Tracy comic strip, I thought these up.")

The thong underwear ("I wanted something that would make women feel like they were wearing less, but still wearing something.")

Starbucks ("Because it is so hard to get a good cup of coffee in Washington, I came up with this idea for a new coffee shop.")

Note: when one reporter told the former Vice President that Starbucks originated in the state of Washington and not Washington D.C., he responded that he had created it up there while on the campaign trail.

The book mark ("Everyone knows that politicians like their pages bent over, but I came up with something a little more discreet that doesn't ruin books or dogear the paper.")

Potato Chips ("It was during a break from school when we all needed something to snack on. I saw the crisco, the stove, and the potatoes and came up with this idea. It wasn't for another two weeks that I thought of dip. The next year, on spring break, the idea came for bbq and sour cream and onion flavored chips.")

Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech ("When he wrote that, it was full of ebonics like 'I be havin' dreams n' s**t' and I cleaned up the language and the grammar and made it memorable.")

The BCS Bowl Championship Series ("We had to come up with a way to bring the elite of college football together, with as much controversy as possible, and still provide good games and television and enhance the tailgating experience; I invented tailgate parties, too, by the way.")

When asked if there were any things that Gore did not invent, he gave us the following:

  • Weapons of Mass Destruction ("I'll give Bush and Rumsfeld credit for that one.")
  • The Hanging Chad
  • Britney Spears ("Though I did remind her to take her panties.")
  • Mel Gibson's rants
  • Michael Jackson and Neverland Ranch
  • Traffic Jams
  • The Lewinsky ("That is just not Christian and Tipper and I would just never go there.")

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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