Written by King David
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Topics: TV, Violence

Sunday, 17 December 2006

image for Wide-Screen HD TVs Help Control Violence
No one in the family can escape one of these monsters

Social Workers concerned about the number of giant entertainment centers in trailer parks among low income wage earners in the South breathed a sigh of relief today after researchers proved that these entertainment centers, particularly the wide-screen, HD plasma television sets actually helped to control violence instead of increasing it. This runs counter to research that has seemed to already establish a link between violence and watching violent television programs.

"We wanted to make this link between poverty and buying a giant, HD plasma television set, so that we could feel good about encouraging the low income set to go ahead and spend half of their paycheck to buy one of our televisions," said Sony researcher Mukami Suziki. "Social justice is the new, cutting edge in corporate America."

The southern culture in the United States has recently been under fire as being one of the most violent places in America to live. Reasons such as the high prevalence of cock fighting, KKK donuts, high school football rivalries, alcoholism, hurricanes, boredom, illiteracy, a harsh, rural lifestyle where killing animals is just part of the day's work, fundamentalism in the churches, witch burning, poverty, racism, and political conservatism have all been pointed to as either direct, or indirect causes for the violence.

Researchers say that not only does television act as sedative for potentially violent people, but because of TV's very passive nature, it also brainwashes them not to have any original thoughts.

"A zombified culture is very necessary if we are going to control people and keep violence down," said geneticist and researcher, Dr. Frankenstein. "Violence begins in the home, and, in particular, with the ego. We must destroy everybody's home and ego in order to make the necessary changes in this culture to decrease violence. A wide-screen, HD TV is the shotgun approach to insure that this happens. No one in the family can escape one of these monsters."

This kind of behavior modification is also advantageous to advertisers who want to sell their products to the American people. "We want to be able to control the American public with our giant, corporate remotes," said PR man, Wayne Holstein.

"Ok, Leroy, time to get a Budweiser," click.

In other news today, the Toshiba Corporation bought long-time American company, Westinghouse to give it a monopoly of control over America's nuclear power plants.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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