Written by Gee Pee
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Saturday, 15 March 2014

WHITEWASHINGTON, DC -- Although Quiznos is blaming its bankruptcy on the chronic economic recession that, starting during the Bush administration, which not only continued but worsened during Barack Obummer's presidency, and on Obummercare, the White House insists that the company's financial woes are caused by its menu items.

"Nobody likes their food," the First Lady said, "which is a good thing, since it is unhealthful." (Actually, she said "unhealthy," but, obviously, since the food, even at Quiznos, is not alive and, therefore, cannot be "healthy," she must have meant "unhealthful.")

Reportedly, Papa John's Pizza is also concerned that Obummercare could send it into an economic "death spiral" similar to Quiznos. However, the president's bitter half says that the pizza restaurant chain's problems stem from the same cause: "Nobody likes their pizza," the First Lady said, "which is a good thing, since it is unhealthful."

Subway is doing well, the First Lady said, "because it abides by my nutritional guidelines, and, let's face it, there's nothing quite as good as their meatball sub; even our daughters, who can be quite picky eaters, love that sandwich."

Quiznos, some food industry critics contend, had a superior, but costlier, product and, when it was hit by the staggering costs of Obummercare, amid the ongoing and worsening economic recession, they just couldn't adapt without feeding customers the same quality of ingredients as their competitors, and the company was unwilling to compromise.

Independently owned and operated Quiznos franchises are unaffected by the company's bankruptcy and vow to continue to serve sandwiches of which they can be proud. However, they do urge federal budget restraints and the repeal of Obummercare. They also suggest that the president, his staff, and federal employees take salary cuts. "They can still afford to eat at Subway," they said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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