FORT KNOX, KENTUCKY - Federal Officials announced today their determination that gold and silver are worthless commodities which are taking up valuable space in homes and offices across the U.S.
Fort Knox Director, Peabody Atkins, explained, "The U.S. Mint Police will be overseeing the scrap metal centers we are currently setting up across the country. Citizens are encouraged to bring in their worthless gold and silver. In exchange, the government is giving each person their very own Electronic Benefit Transfer (EBT) card, which everyone knows is significantly more valuable in today's economy."
When asked what the government plans to do with the gold and silver they collect, Peabody stated, "We plan to pay for the production of more plastic EBT cards, as we feel that is the best solution for all our economic problems!"