Written by Gee Pee
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Tuesday, 18 February 2014

As if the homophobic rants of its spokesman, Alec Baldwin, weren't enough bad publicity for Capital Card, its new terms dictate that representatives of the credit card company can visit or contact debtors "in any manner we choose," including paying personal visits to cardholders' homes or places of employment.

"We don't need a warrant," the company's new spokesman,


Laurence Fishburn, uh, Samuel L. Jackson, told millions during his latest TV commercial on behalf of the loan sharking operation. "If we want you, your ass is ours.

"We've ordered Kevlar vests, flamethrowers, hand grenades, and battering rams," Jackson warned cardholders who may have overdue bills. "Nothing will stop us from collecting what we're due."

"Kind of makes you wish I was back, doesn't it, you Capital Card faggots!" Baldwin ranted during the recent announcement of his engagement to female heterosexual yoga instructress and owner of Yoda's Yoga Studios, Hilarious Thomas.

In addition, Capitol One uses technology to suppress caller ID and employs dozens of bogus telephone numbers, including several associated with the The FBI, the CIA, the IRS, and other federal agencies.

However, "There is no truth to the rumor," Jackson assures the audiences of his commercials, "that Capital Card has built any concentration camps or relocation camps, nor have we purchased Guantanamo Bay from President Obama." Waterboarding, for now, is also "not on the table," he insists.

Capital Card's controversial polices concerning debt collection has led one of its competitors to change its own motto. American Express shows its card on the TV screen, with the caption below it: "Don't leave home without it." Then, the Capital Card card is displayed. The caption below it reads, "Don't leave home with it."

Likewise, Master Charge has an ad aimed at Capital Card's audacity. A simple question appears on the TV screen: "What's in your wallet?"

Meanwhile, with millions of Capital Card cardholders canceling their accounts, Jackson is reportedly auditioning for Visa.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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