New York - The Back-to-School Season is ramping up. New lines of multi-purpose' writing implements are jousting for shelf space, slick ads are cropping up everywhere, clamoring for attention. But the new Bic Duo may be forced to the bottom shelf when the latest ALL-purpose implement hits the stores.
SlickInc's new Pryk Pyn will "knock your socks off," brags spokesperson LaVeda Morrow, reached by phone for interview. "The Bic Duo can't even WASH the socks of our new Pryk. We had a good laugh at our pre-launch meeting - highlighter AND ink pen, HAHAHAHA!" chortled Morrow.
Her HAHAHAHAs faded quickly when this reporter didn't join in. "Um, I mean, it's so LAME compared to OUR top-of-the-line Pryk. We won't even let them sniff it 'til it's launched. You tell me where else you can find an implement as cool, as ALL-purpose and satisfying - yeees, baby, saaatisfying (she cooed) - as ours? Did you see our ad? The old saying, Yeah, it does everything but give me an orgasm,' you know it? Well taDA!"
An interview with free-sampler Joshie Shipey gives support to Morrow's seemingly outlandish claims: "Dude, it's another world! A dude don't need to bottom out his blood pressure, faint and all, when he's got this sucker. The babes come out of the woodwork when I pull out my Pryk. I can be all tired and shit from writing term papers and highlighting texts and whatnot; my woman, or the little slut next door, bops up all giggly, knowing I got my Pryk ready. Whenever!"
According to Shipey, the Pryk can "even get her panties off in, like, a sec," with its claw-like appendage. "This little trigger right here (points to one of many triggers') flips out, grabs em and you get the picture."
He could barely contain his excitement: "See this (pointing to gas-powered motor)? Dude, they should call it the multi-orgasmo!" But Morrow became irritable when asked to show all its features.
"Yeah, OK, yeah, it writes in ballpoint, three colors, rollerball, two colors, and pencil, 0.5 and 0.7 leads, and highlights, yada yada."
Then he brightened: "Look here, it slices and dices! Look, scissors and a buck knife AND a pocket knife. The shit on this never ends. When you're all through, you can just flick this little flipper (pointing to another, hidden, trigger) and there's your pop-top opener! It's brewskie time! Dude, THAT'S satisfaction."
"Told ya!" says Morrow, "HAHAHAHA!"