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Wednesday, 25 July 2012

image for Superman, Justice League Destroys H&R Block's Kansas City Corporate Office: All 7 Remaining Home Office Employees Unharmed

H&R Block Drop A Bat-Grenade Down Their Own Pants. Again. Superman, Justice League Destroys H&R Block's Kansas City Corporate Office: All 7 Remaining Home Office Employees Unharmed. 

The tacky, babyshit-green Corporate Offices Of Kafkaesque Tax-Preparation Pioneers H&R Block were decimated today --and not by the executive leadership, as you might except, but by the super-powered champions of Truth, Justice and personal financial gain, the Justice League of America. 

Wow, this thing is joke-dense. Too bad it's not funny.

Abandoned the whole "Superman destroys corporate office plot fairly quickly, huh? We did what now?

"That's their corporate headquarters?" asked Wonder-Woman, before dropping a W. Wilson Goode-class incendiary device on their roof. "This is one of Green Lantern's practical jokes, right? Good one, Hal. I hope Ryan Reynolds makes you look even gayer in the sequel."

The attack comes just days after it was announced that H&R Block fucked up Batman's tax return, and that he didn't buy Peace of Mind.

"I AM Peace of Mind," said Batman, in that ridiculous, guttural voice that neither fools nor intimidates anyone. "Why should I have to pay for a guarantee for work they've already guarantee... Oh, now I get it. Thieves."

H&R Block conceded that it shit the bed on its web site today that it miscalculated Bruce Wayne's tax bill. 

By $145 million.

The graphic, originally posted on Block's web site "dontlook2closely.xxx"  at first seemed like a PR coup; it was, for example, reproduced in full on the Huffington Post, where it attracted 664 Facebook shares and 127 comments. Thats one share for every client Block has left!

A coup, that is, until Don't Mess With Taxes blogger and Batman geek Kay Bell spotted an egregious error: Block showed  Bruce Wayne wiping out all of his $145 million in adjusted gross income with a $279 million charitable deduction and paying zero tax, when in fact Section 170 of the U.S. Tax Code allows the charitable deduction to offset a maximum of 50% of a  taxpayer's adjusted gross income.

"Wait. There's LAWS that govern how much tax you pay?" asked Roy Cobb, this month's winner of Block's "who wants to be our CEO?" internet contest. "Fuck! Is Legal aware of this?"

"i know about the error, and i am going to get our executive team to fix the problem right away! Get Sabrina in here right now! She what?! When? Oh, shit. OK, i want to see Phil Mazzini in my office, right... Him, too? Shit.  He was like our best leader. Ok, I want to see Sandi Ro... A masseuse? Shit! Russ Smyth? No big deal. Tim? Richard? Allen? Fuck! Who's left? Henry?! 

And, even in light of this huge screw-up, the marketing department remains, although they seem to be aware of their Bat-fuckup. 

"Yup, dropped a huge Bat-grenade down my pants," said H&R Marketing Director Budd Dwyer, whose Get-me-the-fuck-out-of-here desperation resume on Career Builder has already been laughed at 35,229 times. "But what can I do? Having the HRB-stink on my C.V. makes me unhireable anywhere else."

It seems, however, that Batman still has a score to settle: "Umm, Im not sure if you knew this, or anything. Perhaps you grew up on Pluto, but Bruce Wayne IS MY SECRET FUCKING IDENTITY! Assclowns! And what do you mean my Emerald Advance application was declined?!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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