Written by Inchcock
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Monday, 13 February 2012

image for Council paying private company £2.45 a call to answer phone inquiry!
£2.45 for each call answered!

Southwark Council is paying a private company £2.45 a call to answer phone inquiries.

The company, 'Vangent', handles about a million calls a year from residents in the London borough of Southwark.

The firm charges the council 71p just to pick up the phone each time someone rings the switchboard. And it costs the town hall almost £4 each time Vangent processes a payment to the council from a resident.

The contractor also charges about £10 to process each complaint.

Inchcock Industries of Nottingham, currently in a state of bankrupcy, has applied to the Southwark Council, to offer the following services to them:

Dog Poo Removal Advice Line Call-Centre Services Enquiries
55p a call per minute
From our Bulgarian Call-Centre

Pigeon Poo Advice Line Call-Centre Services Enquiries
54p a call per minute
From our Scottish Call-Centre

Job-centre queuing Advice Line Call-Centre Services Enquiries
3p per hour
From our Nottingham Call-Centre

Bus Stop notices and Graffiti Clarification Advice Line Call-Centre Services Enquiries
15p per minute - Return ticket Clarifications @ 28p per minute
From our Outer Peruvian Call-Centre

Computer Hacking Problems Advice Line Services Enquiries
£5 per minute
From our Nigerian Call-Centre

Which Shop Will Close Down Next Advice Line Services Enquiries
1p per day
From our Nottingham Call-Centre

Pensioner Dying of Cold Advice Line Services Enquiries
0.001% of pension per call
From our Nottingham Call-Centre

Immigration Support Advice Line Services Enquiries
Free
From our Pakistani, Chinese, Polish, Bulgarian, Indian, Iraqi, Albanian, Armenian, Afghanistan, Kosovan, Azerbaijan, Lithuania, Belarus, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatian, Czech, Estonian, Greek. Turkish, Kazakhstan, Latvian, Macedonian, Slovakian, Muldovian, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, & Iranian, Botwanian, Burundian, Ethiopian, Jamaican, Laos, Madagascan, Gambian, Syrian, Lebanon, Nicaraguan, Rwandan, Swaziland, Trinidad & Tobagan, & Zambian Call-Centres

Financial Management Advice Line Services Enquiries
€12,545 per call
From our Greek Call-Centre

Mr Inchcock was unavailable for comments as he was accompanying Southwark Councillors on a fact finding mission to assess the optimum height of bus time table lamp-post displays in Barbados for the month.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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