Written by EvilAlwaysWins
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Friday, 3 February 2012

Punxsutawney Phil - If he sees his shadow, 60 days more of winter. If no shadow, say good-bye to winter soon!

In the United States, February 2 is GROUNDHOG DAY. For those not familiar with it, Groundhog Day involves the long-standing tradition of having the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil predict if winter will drag on or not. Counterintuitively, if PP sees his shadow, then the verdict is 60 days more of winter weather; if he does not see his shadow, then balmy spring weather is just around the corner.

Given their prescience, can groundhogs be employed in sectors other than weather?

We talked to Tom Tulliver, the curator at the Critters and More Zoological Society. "Oh, yes," Tulliver said, "groundhogs are extremely adept at predicting all sorts of things. In fact, more and more corporations are staffing groundhogs for their predictive analytics ability."

ALSO SEE: How Facebook Used Groundhogs to Steal Google's Advertising Market Share

Of course, some companies were ahead of the curve when it came to tapping the predictive power of groundhogs. Ever wonder how Apple attained such spectacular success, accumulating so much cash that it was able to buy a recently discovered proto-earth 22 light-years away and dub it iPlanet? Groundhogs! Yes, several years ago groundhogs provided Apple with tremendous insight into the future and allowed it to brashly launch the iPod's bloated cousin, the iPad. R&D at Apple asked its crack groundhog predictive analytics team if Americans could be duped into buying an iPod that was 5 times larger than a typical pocket or purse. The groundhogs - in unison - stated that not only would Americans indeed buy the iPad but that they would in fact would demand it!

So while the job market for humans is tepid, groundhogs are finding that demand for their services is torrid. Says Bunxwutauwant Bill, "Man, my parents always said you ain't going nowhere with no university training, but right now the world is my oyster."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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