Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 19 January 2012

image for Kodak to be Bailed Out by Chuck Norris
Some guy who thinks he's Chuck Norris

Following Chuck Norris's announcement that he will assume the Presidency in 2013, his financial advisors disclosed today that Mr. Norris will also take over the ailing Kodak Corporation in an apparent move to "Kick its butt back into shape".

With extra free time now in 2012, (no one was reportedly willing to run against Norris in the 2012/2013 election), the toughest man in the world will focus his attention on building the iconic American company back up to its former glory. Stock futures jumped at the news because Chuck Norris told them to.

Plans for the newly restructured Kodak company include a personal "Follow Me" photo service for Norris, so that clean and bright photos can be offered to Norris's victims before they become victims. "Everybody likes a pretty picture of themselves before having their facial bones restructured", says new marketing director Hal Noodman. "We're sure to ask for payment before Chuck's services are rendered".

Norris's other team building plans for the company includes a mandatory calisthenics session before each working shift, and a weekly barbeque for the whole company. Norris will personally provide the red meat. Vegetarians were offered a severance package.

Critics on Wall Street say that Norris may not have the necessary skills to make the bailout and restructuring successful. Most are expected to be released from the hospital before the July 4th holiday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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