Written by Skoob1999
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Monday, 16 January 2012

image for Online Casino Offers Unlimited Free Bets And Guarantees Users Will Never Lose
Bugger! Man United Beat Stalybridge Celtic - But This Punter Didn't Lose A Penny!

It's true. The downside is that users will never win either, but dedicated gamblers can pitch their bets on suckabreak.con to their hearts' content and bet as much as a trillion virtual internet dollarbucks on any hunch they choose.

The site is the brainchild of IT expert Robin Bustard, a Surrey stockbroker belt man with a lengthy criminal record, who made his fortune selling fake gold ingots for a pound on Blackpool's golden mile in the 1970s.

Bustard is adamant that there are too many online gambling sites which are only too happy to max out their customers' credit cards, inevitably offering little by way of return, and frequently leading to financial ruin.

Bustard's masterplan was to change all that, and set up a gambling operation where the punter never loses, subsequently founding suckabreak.con.

The idea is simple; subscribers pay a one off fee of £10,000 and are offered unlimited gambling on any subject of their choice, and even if they lose, the bet costs them nothing. If they win, they don't get anything either, but then most people don't win, so they have nothing to lose.

"It's a win-win situation," an enthusiastic Bustard announced from his office in a portacabin in a Dorking scrap metal dealer's yard. "Even the losers win. The winners - well, at least they don't lose. The beauty of it is that anyone signing up with us needn't worry about their gambling spiralling out of control and wrecking their marriages, or anything like that. Because you can't lose with us. Apart from the initial ten grand of course, but surely that's a small price to pay for keeping your gambling under some kind of control."

Bustard went on to explain that his company intended to diversify over the coming months, offering payday loans at the perfectly reasonable rate of 76,767% APR, and possibly a home shopping TV channel, peddling absolute shite that you never thought you needed but that you couldn't possibly live without. Probably presented by Keith Chegwin.

So far, 9,760 people have registered with suckabreak.con, making the organisation the fastest growing industry in the UK since the Thatcher government introduced the YOPS scheme.

Cheryl Cole is still 5'4" but she's apparently working on it.

Make Skoob1999's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 multiplied by 4?

8 22 20 5

Go to top