Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 22 December 2011

image for Brazil Surges, Hungary Down, Britain Wins

Not an international football summary, but just another day on the international business circuit. Brazil futures have taken a turn for the better, Hungary's debt situation forced a downgrade by Standard & Poor and British Airways wins bid for a regional Lufthansa airline. Somebody please get us average investors an aspirin.

The roller coaster continues on international markets, where fortunes and retirement nest eggs are won and lost, and then lost and won, on a daily basis. Business reports from around the world range from "disaster has struck", to "the future looks bright" and market analysts want to know why the average investor is reluctant to do anything with their money.

"Everybody just needs to chill the fuck out", says The Mutual Group's long term economic strategist and occasional potty mouth, Candace B. Rittenoff. "Somebody sneezes in China, and the European markets tumble. A manufacturer has a bad quarter because their executives spent too much money on pencils, and the whole sector takes a dump. I'm nauseous and I'm going to spew like a teenager on cheap beer and Jagermeister".

Other market analysts while not as gritty as Ms. Rittenoff, agree with her sentiment. "Governments, corporations, and the press should be working to instill some regularity and calmness in all financial markets. We only recover when investors and consumers start to spend money again", says Lou Sapounds, British Financial Advisor to the Queen.

2011 was by all accounts a tumultuous financial year for all. Most analysts call for level heads and an even keel in 2012. "Good thing there's nothing like a historically contested national election facing us in 2012, eh?" says Rittenoff. "Good times. Pass me the vodka".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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