Written by Sue Donim
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Topics: Scientists, Research

Friday, 3 February 2006

image for Red bull doesn't give you wings!
The deadly drink

It has finally been proven by world scientists that red bull really doesn't give you wings. Yes the great advertising slogan has finally been proven wrong, but it took the scientists a full year of testing and research to figure it out.

When this caffeine filled liquid was first released thirsty working people flocked to the fridges to buy this drink to give them the boost they needed to get through the day. Its famous slogan was "red bull gives you wings!" After hearing this many people actually believed it! This then lead to a 30 death average a year around the world because people believing it gave you wings so they jumped off of cliffs hoping to spread their wings and fly.

The spokesperson for the red bull corporation gave this speech at a recent press conference, "we are deeply sorry for the deaths this drink may have caused but at the end of the day it was the dumass that believed that a simple drink could make you fly that made the real mistake." He's got a point.

The IDC or international death count presented these numbers to the world leaders. The leaders of the world decided to give the job of finding out if red bull really gives you wings to their top scientists.

In a recent press conference Tony Blair said that, "The corporation that created that slogan has to be deeply ashamed, it has not only tricked these people into jumping off cliffs but it has also created a generation of caffeine addicted people that won't stop until they get their clinging to the ceiling with their eyes bulging out of their head."

The tests the scientists carried out involved giving a rat the suspected beverage then throwing it from a great height to see if it flew, most tests turned up a negative result. Another test was to give a chipmunk the suspected drink, the results were interesting, and in most cases the chipmunk did not fly but was running up the walls of its cage for at least a week.

Red bull has now said that they will put, "warning, may cause you to jump off a cliff." On each and every can.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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