Written by Inchcock
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Wednesday, 23 November 2011

image for Nottingham themed Cheap Foods to be opened by Christmas!
Jobcentre Jerk Julienne Potato Salad ingredient

Nottingham Company Costwise Diet Foods, introduced its new range of Locally produced menu courses, hopefully to be available for Christmas.

The new meals are designed to be the most economical, and nourishing available.

We spoke with the owner, Lars Torders (65), ex landlord of Oil Drum Lane public house 'The Luddite's Lair', explained; "Folk in Nottinum ain't got hope, jobs or enuff monni! So, me un a few of the locals started the company, when we farned out we could mek the cheap meals frum local stuff, un sell it fur less thun any of the uver places can. We fink folk will find our fayre fairly fair for less dosh!"

He had a scratch of his lower regions, then continued, "All oh the dishus 'ave a Nottinum connection, so we should attract tourists too!"

Vey cun eat in or aut us well!

These include;

The Trent Treat:

Stickleback Ribs with Trent riverside grass.

The ribs are lovingly removed, and gently glazed with a mixture of local rainwater, Nottingham canal seaweed, and Colwick cheese.

The flesh is then soaked in methylated spirits, and spread over a layer of Trentside grass, finely chopped with vinegar and spread over with Asda margarine.

The ribs are placed decoratively over the mixture, on a linen cloth, to commemorate the burning of the Looms in the Nottingham Luddite Riots of 1811

£3.99

Jobcentre Jerk Julienne Potato Salad:

Especially created to appeal to the typical Nottingham, allowing them to understand the nature and hopelessness of life. Potatoes with Ketchup, with a side order of instant potato.

Created with the finest shop-lifted potatoes available, Asda, Morrisons, Aldi, Tesco, or next doors larder. Boiled in Nottingham's distinctive tap water, and salted with sieved road grit sand salt. Not overboiled, they are left solid in the event of them being required in another attack on a Police Station.

The instant mash (Pound Shop) is mixed along with a secret ingredient from the fish pond and boating lake at the University, salt, pepper, and a dash of lager. A full covering of Tomato ketchup (or sauce whichever pouches we can find at McDonald's), and baked for an hour at 200°.

The Jobcentre plus icon is patterned onto the top of the mixture, to allow folk to feel at home while eating.

Price variable, according to access to the allotments.

Anyone interested in investing in this venture, please contact: Nottingham's Newest Nibbles Nightclub and Needful Niche @ theoutofworknottinghamneedy.con.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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