Written by Inchcock
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Monday, 24 October 2011

image for Nottingham Market Square Demonstrations lose out to JCP phenomenon!
The crowd, undecided which way to go - The Occupation, the Protest, or the JCP?

The combined demonstrations of the 'Occupation of the Nottingham Market Square', and the 'The Hardest Hit campaign Demo', were put into the shade yesterday, as it was discovered that Two teenagers had obtained jobs through the local JCP (Jobcentre Plus) offices.

When members of the public, who were supporting the Market Square Protesters, heard of this - disbelief and panic spread throughout the slubberdegullion masses.

Many rushed up to Job-centre Plus offices, causing panic again, this time amongst the staff at the centre, who were inundated with unemployed citizens wanting to know if it was true or not!

Many of the crowd were, calling on mobile phones, texting, ipodding, and queuing up at the few un-vandalised phone box's left, to inform family and friends of the phenomenon of the two teenagers actually getting a job through the Job-centre Plus.

The police were stretched, what with the two protests going on in the Market Square, and it being 'Happy hour' at the nearby Pizzeria. They dispatched two vegetarian PCP's to attend the fracas.

Our reporter, C. Anrtright managed to speak to the aforementioned teenagers, to congratulate them, and get some details of how they succeeded.

Heidi Clare (17) said; "I managed to get the required five GCSEs, in biological sciences, social sciences, psychology, and behavioural sciences, did a year as voluntary health-care worker, and got turned down by the NHS because of the Coalition Government cut-backs. So I visited the JCP last week. I'm really excited about starting my new job, and feel confident I will eventually become a fully qualified Big Mac's server!"

19 year old Ed Banger told Heidi; "I always wanted a job in advertising, 'cause I phort I'd wus good at it. Un standin' at the side of the road dressed in a giant pizza box is a start innit? It's me first job anawl!"

Job-centre Plus manager Tess Tickel (49) said; "We are so pleased when a youth finds a job through our services, one got one last January as well you know? But two in the same month, well considering the cut-backs we at the Job-centre Plus has suffered, that is incredible, and a credit to Government initiatives', and to the gorgeous looking Right Honourable Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, he has such a nice smile, and they say bald men are every virile, he turns me on no-end, I just love it when he..."

At this point our reporter C. Anrtright declared she'd had enough and resigned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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