Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 6 October 2011

image for Palin Drops Campaign to Open Frozen Meat Franchise
Breaded Elk Lips are another item offered on the Alaskan Steaks website.

Realizing the futility of her chances for the 2012 presidential election, Palin and a few select investors will open their first Alaskan Steaks franchise based in Ottumwa, Alaska.

With a business plan that calls for direct competition with Omaha Steaks Company, Palin's Alaskan Steaks website features not just frozen beef selections, but wild game options as well. Marketing Director for Alaskan Steaks Company, Ivanna Kildere says that Todd Palin will most likely manage the harvesting responsibilities until business picks up. "We expect local popular items like our Mule Deer sausage and Moose Muffins will sell quickly, and nobody can keep up with demand like Todd and Sarah, provided they bring along a few automatic weapons and a helicopter".

Beef selections will also be offered, but the Palins expect the Omaha Steaks Company to maintain the lion's share of that business. "What we can offer instead, is real American wild game at reasonable prices", says Kildere. "It's all steak, but only the finest cuts from Deer, Elk, Moose, and a few other critters, shipped fresh frozen direct to your door, where hopefully it doesn't sit out in the sun too long".

The website features what a consumer might expect for cuts of meat, including shoulder roasts, porterhouse and fillet options, but with a choice as to which animal the steak is from. It's the wide variety of other product offerings that sets Alaskan Steaks apart from its competitors. "I'm telling you right now. There's nothing better on a Saturday afternoon than a grilled Porcupine sausage and a couple of Moose Muffins. Now that's good eating", says Kildere. "You do however, have to watch out for a quill now and then".

Though a press conference was planned to announce the new venture, only a handful of reporters attended and few questions were asked. Much like the perpetual national Palin bus tour, which really wasn't supposed to be a campaign tour at all, sort of, the Alaskan Steaks announcement didn't draw much interest. Said one reporter in attendance, "I'm pretty sure I don't want to know the ingredients of a Moose Muffin anyway".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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