Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Sunday, 2 October 2011

image for Cameron Wants Total EU Ban On Plastic Bags - Gas Companies Behind It Claims Ex-Minister!
Had Enough? The Flag of 'Permanent Surrender!'

Due to the worsening economic situation, mainly in Britain but also affecting some other parts of Europe, David Cameron is to urge Brussels to ban totally the use of plastic bags throughout the European Union.

Speaking by telephone from one of his coconut plantations abroad, ex-Austerity Minister Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly explained,

"It's because of the recent measures to charge a few pennies for supermarket carrier bags. They don't go far enough for the gas companies." he claims. "Do I need to explain further?"

"I'm sure my readers would appreciate it" I said.

"Would they show their appreciation by buying one or two coconuts?" asked the ex-Minister.

"I can't speak for my readers" I explained, "but I'm planning to visit my local supermarket this afternoon. If I see any coconuts there I will certainly be dropping a couple of them into my trolley."

"That's good enough for me," said Peregrine. "It's the gas companies" he said. "The next wave of austerity measures Mr Cameron's been ordered to inflict on the people of Britain will cause them so much misery that many will be looking for a cheap and painless way of ending it all. These plastic bags would of course be an obvious choice. The gas companies think that by getting all the plastic bags out of circulation first would make the 'head in the gas oven' to be the next most popular method of, let's call it, 'permanent surrender'" he said.

"Are you claiming that the gas companies want to ensure that they make some profit from this 'permanent surrender'?" I asked.

"Precisely," he replied.

"Oh," he added. "If you don't see any coconuts in your local supermarket take a look along the shelves where they have ingredients for baking cakes. You'll probably see some boxes of concentrated coconut there."

"I'll buy a couple of boxes" I promised.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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