Spoof news stories from Friday 15 February 2013
Pope's resignation all about Lockerbie cover-up says 'deep throat'
Washington - A cover-up about mad-as-hatter former Pontiff Karol Wojtyla is lying in tatters following the resignation of his German successor and top apologist Pope Joseph Ratzinger.
"No wonder US Defense Secretary Leon Panetta begged Pope Benny-...
Tiger Woods Fakes Illness to Buy Discounted Valentine's Day Gifts For Girlfriends
JUPITER ISLAND - The last three years on Valentine's Day, Tiger Woods has not felt well. Or, at least, that's what he has told his girlfriends.
"I've got about 13 different women I have to buy for. You know what kind of deals you can get if you...
Remixed Cliff Richard single spearheads The Pope's A Living God campaign
Jamaica - A newly remixed version of Richard's 1959 single Living Doll has been launched in a fun-raiser spearheading Pope Benedict being declared a living god.
The campaign originally kicked off in April 2007 when the Ass Press reported parallels...
Crap Towns attract a range of dodgy characters
Following the dubious award of Top Crap Town UK for the fifth year running, the residents of Baconsthorpe seem to have embraced the notoriety of their depressing abode.
Mayor Jimmy (The Knife) Roberto has taken out a full page advertisement this...
Tom Werner to Produce 'Red Sox Acres' with Arnold the Pig
Millionaire owner Tom Werner of the Red Sox read the book by former manager Terry Francona, and his insight into the Red Sox in 2011 in particular.
Werner expressed pleasure that he did not have to buy the book, which would have set him back $20 w...
Man With Baseball Glove "Catches" Meteorite
Russian officials have confirmed that a 68-year old oat farmer wearing a catcher's mitt caught the meteorite that crashed early Friday in the Yadayadayada region of that country. Officials say Ivgeny Squishedsky stood in his yard for hours eagerly w...
Mayor Bloomberg's Revolving Fire Hydrants Causing Problems For Dogs In NYC
BILLINGSGATE POST - Determined to stop dogs from urinating on freshly painted fire hydrants, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg ordered the installation of revolving fire hydrants in the Central Park area of Manhattan.
On a sidewalk where many...
God sends meteor to Russia with the name of the new Pope written on it!
With the dramatic news of the Pope resigning and several bolts of thunder crashing over the Vatican, God has now decided who will follow Pope Benedict XVI by sending a meteor crashing down into Russia.
After the impact a hoard of Russian Catholic...
Ryan Giggs' - My (Fake) Diary
2010 was a remarkable year in many ways but undoubtedly one of the greatest accomplishments of the year was reached by Ryan Giggs in his role as a Manchester United player.
I recently released a book which drew from Giggs' personal diaries and gives us some great insights into the man and the changes that have taken place in his time at Manchester United so far.
Read on to view some of my fa...
NASA's Bold Plan to Avoid Asteroid Armageddon
The US space agency NASA plans to build a giant bat for deflecting asteroids that are on collision with Earth. The bat will be put into orbit 25,000 miles above the planet.
Recent near misses and hits, most notably the fly-by of a 150-foot asteroi...
The Smelly Cruise Ship Triumph AKA The USS Porta Potty Finally Docks at Mobile, Alabama
MOBILE, Alabama - After being out on The Gulf of Mexico for five days stinking up the place, the Carnival ship Triumph AKA The USS Porta Potty has finally docked at Mobile, Alabama.
A representative for the city of Mobile, Fayleen Charleen Winterb...
Ben Stiller to Direct, Star in Tropic Thunder Prequel
BURBANK - A confused Ben Stiller held a press conference Friday morning to announce plans to start shooting "Cold Lightning," a prequel to the 2008 Stiller-directed film, "Tropic Thunder." DreamWorks SKG signed on to produce the prequel, which will a...
Russian meteor sourced to Horseshoe Nebula abattoir
Yekaterinburg - Astronauts aboard the International Space Station managed to film the giant space furball's - er...fireball's! - trajectory after tracking its ejection from the Horseshoe Nebula in the constellation of Sagittarius the Archer.
The i...
Kate Middleton's Blue Bikinied Baby Bump Papped
NEW YORK CITY - Reports are that Queen Elizabeth is fit to be tied (once again) over the over exposure of granddaughter-in-law Kate Middleton AKA The Duchess of Cambridge.
Kate The Great and her husband William The Hubby were having a great time v...
Boston Celtics To Make Trade with Vatican
With Pope Benedict's edict that he will retire soon, superstar Kevin Garnett dropped a net on the ever-speculating press about his own retirement, but this threat may be a ploy to accept a trade from the green C's to the Holy See team.
Could it be...
Discovery of New Mayan Calendar Updates Doomsday Prophesy
Archeologists have discovered a new Mayan calendar - the Beach Babes Bikini Edition - that provides a new, and more reliable, date for the end of the world: June, 2014.
Discovering the calendar also proves that the Mayan's much publicized prophes...
Lance Armstrong Only Cheating Himself - Claim
Lance Armstrong, the 7-time Tour de France winner who, it's been revealed, achieved his victories with the help of banned drugs, is only cheating himself, writes spoof cycling correspondent Moys Kenwood.
Armstrong used a cocktail of banned substan...
Next Pope will be elected through an X-Factor style show
Andrew Lloyd Webber has been approached by the Vatican to put together a television show that will let the Catholic Church elect a new Pontiff through the popular television format pioneered by shows such as the X-Factor and America's Got Talented Ki...
Which lane to choose? There's an app for that
Everybody has sat on a motorway, looking at the other lanes all moving faster, only for them to slam to a stop the moment you change lanes into them. If only it was possible to predict which lane was the fastest, people could shave seconds off their...
Now horse meat found in cannibal meals
Supermarket giant Tesdabury's has become the latest store caught up in the horse meat scandal after allegations that horse meat has been found in its "Cannibal Range" of ready meals.
A clearly shaken company spokesperson Sue Perior admitted "This...
Tony Blair elected Pope
Former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has been elected Pope in a widely expected effort by The Vatican to increase the Church's popularity. Members of the Papal Conclave, charged with electing a new Pope, studied Blair's 1997 Election campaign material...
President Obama Upset That His Favorite Hamburger Joint Has Closed
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama received word from his Chief Secret Service Agent Laramie Cobalt that his favorite hamburger establishment Ray's Hell Burgers has shut its doors.
The president immediately asked what in the world had happened. He...
A 7-Foot-10-Inch Tall High School Sophomore Scores 193 Points In a Basketball Game
CHEYENNE, Wyoming - The Johnny Appleseed Fighting Applepickers defeated their crosstown district rivals The Mary Todd Lincoln High School Vultures by a score of 203-47.
The halftime score in Cheyenne's Buffalo Stampede Arena was Appleseed 181 - Li...
American Idol Picks The Top 40
HOLLYWOOD - American Idol has gotten through with Hollywood Week and judges Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey seem to have put their differences behind them as things at the judges table have settled down.
Of course Randy "The Dawg" Jackson still seems...
Phil Jackson: I Need To Be The Lakers Coach Now!
LOS ANGELES - Phil Jackson, who is the proud owner of 13 NBA Championship rings, has stated that he is sick and tired of seeing his former Lakers team lose.
Jackson told Hercules Confetti with Sporting Chance Magazine that he has spoken at length...
Republicans Vote to Eliminate Poverty Line
In a historic vote today House Republicans lead by John Boner voted to eliminate the artificial poverty line. Typically the poverty rate is considered to be "on average" in the U.S. (and it varies from state to state) $11,440, for one person living a...
Kirstie Alley Says Paula Deen Is Her New BFF
NEW YORK CITY - Kirstie Alley recently appeared on Piers Morgan Tonight and talked about the two times she's appeared on Dancing With The Stars.
She revealed to Morgan that dancing with Maksim Chmerkovskiy was the greatest thing in the world but i...
Olympic decision on wrestling linked to Mel Brooks' film
The world of sports was shocked on Tuesday when it was announced that the 2020 games will be held without the sport of wrestling, removing it as one of the 26 "core sports", even though the sport is steeped in tradition going back to the ancient game...