The Spoof : Nov 2012 spoof news stories

Teen sentenced to ten years in church chooses Church of Satan

MUSKOGEE, Oklahoma (ABSNN) - When Oklahoma District Judge Mike Norman sentenced a teenaged youth who caused his friend's death in a car crash to church for ten years, he likely thought the boy would choose an evangelical church like the Nazarenes or...

LA DA says 'Bieber too big a pussy to have hurt a guy in a fight last May'

LOS ANGELES, California (ABSNN) - The LA County District Attorney's office declined to charge "tween star" Justine Bieber, 18, for a "fight" he had with a photographer last May. According to an Assistant District Attorney, "In all seriousness, we c...

New Mexico man shot during robbery, or by accident, or some damned how

SILVER CITY, New Mexico (ABSNN) - Oddly enough, given the large number of guns and ammunition stores found in a gun shop, very few people have ever been shot in one, unless, of course, "they had it coming." Such was the case in this tiny New Mexico...

Doper's request for 'one more joint' lands him in the joint

CINCINNATI, Ohio (ABSNN) - A convicted pot smoker's request to smoke "one more joint before quitting," landed him in the joint after an Ohio judge "was astonished by his request." Damaine Mitchell, 19, was sentenced to prison by Hamilton County...

McCain rips Obama for not bailing out Twinkies!

WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) - Arizona Senator John McCain ripped President Barack Obama's failure to offer a bail out to Twinkie producer Hostess Brands this afternoon. Speaking before the US Senate, McCain called Obama a "heartless, Godless un-Amer...

Candles ignite stripper's fart: explosion injures 20 Shriners in Massachusetts!

SPRINGIELD, Massachusetts (ABSNN) - A nude dancer performing an "amazing, near flawless split" accidentally passed gas and nearby table candles ignited the fart "causing a huge natural gas explosion at the Scores Gentlemen's Club," say fire fighters...

My life as a man #30

It's all about having fun until somebody loses an eye! I wrote a few days back that I'd lived through every Presidential election since Dwight Eisenhower's in 1951. Granted, I was not aware of anything more than my momma's nipple and my shitty diapers for that first election; but by the time Ike's successor John F. Kennedy ran in 1959, I'd heard all about Republicans and Democrats. My dad was...

Dorking man accidentally mixes up TV experts

A local man from Dorking was facing humiliation in the town last night when it was discovered he accidentally mixed up TV experts ITV money saving expert Martin Lewis and Channel 4 property buying expert Phil whatshisname, the bloke who hangs around...

The twinkeling out of Hostess Twinkies and Wonder Bread

NEW YORK CITY (ABSNN) - Hostess Brands, the bakers of Wonder Bread, Ho Hos and Twinkies, announced today it will shut down its remaining two plants due to a strike that crippled its operations. Although the company will cease operations, Twinkies ha...

Obama wins Florida, vows "A change is coming to the Penis State!"

TALLAHASSEE, Florida (ABSNN) - The Florida Secretary of State certified today that Barack Obama won the state's election by a razor-thin margin of 74,000 votes. Tea Party freshman Congressman, Allen West, was defeated by fewer than 3,000 votes b...

Willie Nelson Buys 10,000 Twinkies

AUSTIN - There is no bigger fan of Hostess Twinkies than country music icon Willie Nelson. The 79-year-old bearded wonder from the heart of Texas told Calcutta Cotton of Music Moments Magazine that he figures that he has probably eaten a little ov...

A Couple of Dog Gone Hunting Stories

BURNT CORN, Alabama - A few weeks ago Hampton "Bubba" Settingset, 59, was bird hunting with his bird dog Larry on a 40 acre patch of land on his Burnt Corn farm. After about two hours of walking around Settingset decided to take a little break. He carefully laid his rifle up against a tree. Larry, suddenly saw a flock of birds appear in the autumn sky and he started barking and jumping up a...

Pattinson cousin is only man in America who has never seen the Twilight Saga

LANCASTER COUNTY, Pennsylvania (ABSNN) - A vast number of the farms in this Pennsylvania county have no electricity, no televisions, no telephones, no motor vehicles, no Honey Boo Boo. They are Amish folk, and yet, even the Amish know of the Twiligh...

Pot Smokers Concerned After Announcement "No More Twinkies"

Following Friday's announcement that Hostess Brands was shuttering its facilities and ceasing operations, sales of the company's flagship product, Twinkies, have increased 10 fold - with some paying up to $550 for just one crème filled cake. T...

A-Rod May Soon Become A Houston Astro

NEW YORK CITY - Alex Rodriguez, who is the highest paid athlete in professional sports, at $30 million per year has expressed a desire to leave the New York Yankees. A-Rod, who had a horrible post season managing to bat a lowly .133 recently talke...

Eskimos disagree that nudity in public means free speech; it's f+++++g madness!

Nudist lovers in San Francisco where the weather tends to be slightly kinder to the naked body than Alaska, Greenland, Iceland, Siberia, etc, are claiming that nudity in public means "free speech". The San Francisco authorities have passed legisla...

Planet Mars Reports "I've Got a Secret"

Well, actually, make that plural: SECRETS. There's definitely more than one. NASA is being tightlipped, only saying that the rover Curiosity has discovered something exciting that warrants further investigation. Supposedly more info is forth...

Bill O'Reilly Reveals Inspiration Behind His Books

Fox News' chief of making speculation sound like actual facts, Bill O'Reilly, has revealed where he got the idea for his latest books 'Killing Lincoln' and 'Killing Kennedy'. O'Reilly, who co-wrote the books with the rarely mentioned Martin Dugard...

Lady Gaga Apologizes For Her Marijuana Plant Costume

BROOKLYN - Lady Gaga and a member of her band were having drinks at The Plastered Platypus Lounge, which reportedly is Kelly Ripa's favorite New York City night club. Gaga has been criticized by several members of the entertainment press for the c...

New York City Marathon Issues Post-Sandy Rules

New York - Mayor Michael Bloomberg is being roundly criticized for permitting the New York Marathon to take place this weekend while millions of the city's citizens still suffer from hardships brought on by Hurricane Sandy. In an attempt to avoid...

The Real Reason Charlie Sheen Gave Lindsay Lohan $100,000

SHERMAN OAKS, California - It has been reported that Charlie Sheen AKA the Space Cadet gave Lindsay Lohan AKA Lucky Lohan $100,000 so she could pay her income taxes. But Pico de Gallo with Tittle Tattle Tonight spoke to a very close, unnamed frien...

The Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Relationship Is History

TARZANA - Selena Gomez took one of her nieces to The Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo in Tarzana in an effort to help get her mind off the break up between her and Justin. Gomez, 20, talked with Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk as she careful...

New App tells Saudi husbands when wife has legged it abroad

Riyadh - "At last, a Sharia-compliant phone App that tells me when the coast is clear!" is how one twenty-something young Saudi male put it today as the government announced its latest electronic tagging system for wives. The new device alerts Sa...

My life as a man #33

The end of men is near Listen up, men: the last US election proved very clearly that women aren't going to put up with any more bullshit from men. Not only are there more women than men voting nowadays; but more women are voting for what they want than for what we men want them to want. I know I had a point to make, and that I have muddled it up, but you guys know what I mean already, w...

NASCAR'S Danica Patrick's Marriage Hits The Wall

SCOTTSDALE, Arizona - Word out of the World of NASCAR is that Danica Patrick's marriage is starting to sputter. According to Tango Brisket with Sports Territory Magazine, Patrick's number 10 race car has hit some oil slicks on the marital race tra...

My life as a man #27

Sibling rivalry and bird shit If you are anything at all like me (thank God if you're not!), there are days when you just know something is going to fall out of the sky and it is going to land on you, personally, out of all the billions of people on the planet. Yesterday, I spent the entire day in a building devoted to keeping records that only people like me have any interest or reason to...

The Official Texas State Secession Committee Interview

Writer's note: My father, a lifelong Virginia patriot, told me: "The only good thing that ever came out of Texas was an empty Greyhound Bus." I thought he was being overly critical of Texas back then, but my opinion changed during the course of this interview. AUSTIN, Texas (ABSNN) - Texan John Rogers is on his way to his office on a street just a block from the Texas State House. Every doo...

Tiger Woods' mistress to be hooker at Nevada brothel

MOON LIGHT BUNNY RANCH, Nevada (ABSNN) - Dennis Hof, owner of a legal, Nevada brothel, told reporters today that Tiger Woods' porn-star mistress Number 8, Joslyn James, would work "for one week only," at his thriving Moon Light Bunny Ranch. Ms. Jame...

The Steven Tyler - Nicki Minaj Feud Erupts!

NEW YORK CITY - Steven Tyler insists that he left American Idol on his own volition and that he was not forced out as new American Idol judge Nicki Minaj has erroneously stated. He went on to say that he cannot believe that the AI producers chose...

Tuesday's solar eclipse to wreak havoc with New Yorkers' sperm motility

New York - A Public Health notice posted on the corner of E.86th and 5th is warning the aspect occurs in the 'fixed' water sign of Scorpio that rules the gonads, oil and gas and various Middle Eastern tinpot dictatorships. Particularly affected a...

Stop messing with our minds BBC's Gardeners' World is told

London - Rum goings-on behind the Berryfields potting shed have been blamed for a vile rumour about Monty Don's golden retriever Nigel. Absent for several weeks during an outbreak of Badger's Disease on local allotments the five year-old pooch's s...

17 States Ban Black Friday

CHICAGO - The Committee Overseeing Shoppers Actions, known as COSA, has just issued a press release which will pertain to Black Friday, starting in 2013. Anastasia "Salsa" Lightmiggle 42, national director of COSA, stated that due to the ever-grow...

Robert De Niro Heartbroken After He Is Snubbed By Jay-Z

Tribeca neighbors, Robert De Niro and Jay-Z allegedly had a heated verbal exchange at a recent birthday party for Leonardo DiCaprio, resulting in De Niro's bottom lip wobbling on several occasions and ending with him staring into space before asking...

The Rob Pattinson - Taylor Swift Rumors

HOLLYWOOD - It appears that the Tinsel Town rumor mills are working overtime in regards to Rob Pattinson, star of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2. Word filtering out of the Left Coast is that RPattz was seen in the company of Taylor Swif...

The Eskimo Igloo Problem Is Getting Worse

SNOWBALLS, Alaska - The government of Alaska has been asked by the Eskimo population of the village of Snowballs to address a situation that is becoming more and more serious. A spokesperson for Alaska's Northern Eskimos identified as Fafanook Vap...

Onion spoof makes Chinese cry (with laughter!)

Well known US spoof magazine, The Onion, has hit yellowy gold by having their spoof printed in the official Chinese Communist newspaper. The spoof was taken seriously by communist leaders hoping to take a swipe at the new North Korean leader, Kim Jon...

Teabaggers-On-Bikes To Vote For Romney

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Mitt Romney flew up to Alaska in an effort to try and convince the people of the 49th state that they should vote for him even though there really aren't that many millionaires in the Iceberg State. He was met at The Nanook of...

Tim Tebow Could Be Heading To The Dallas Cowboys

DALLAS - One thing that can certainly be said about the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones is that he is one shrewd businessman. He built the $1 billion Cowboys Stadium and says that he figures that it can be paid off within 13 months; which...

Mt. Rushmore Mistaken for the Fiscal Cliff; Lincoln Loses Face

Keystone, South Dakota - The Mount Rushmore National Memorial was severely damaged last night by a missile fired by a US military drone. The attack apparently was commissioned by Congress in what is now being called "a clerical error." "Our bad,"...

Dancing With The Stars: Kelly Monaco and Val Chmerkovskiy Deny The Baby Bump Rumors

HOLLYWOOD - During the 14 seasons that Dancing With The Stars has been on the air there has never been a dance couple who have become closer than Val Chmerkovskiy and Kelly Monaco. The very petite Kelly, who was named after the color; Kelly Green,...

Tornado Chasers Accidentally Drive Into A Forest Fire

WICHITA, Kansas - Two of the Midwest's most popular and experienced tornado chasers, Sterling Vittybird, 27, and Tranquillo Razzle, 24, recently got caught up in their work. The two were on Interstate 35, chasing a category 6 tornado that had form...

Black hole spotted in outer galaxy is definitely female!

Scientists in Texas have discovered a massive black hole in the outer galaxy, NGC 1277, and have confirmed it as definitely being female nicknaming it The Praying Pussy! Observing the black hole devour circulating stars reminded one scientist, Pro...

My Life as a Man #32

Another opportunity for happiness missed because I am so stupid and clueless With the possible exception of Karl Rove, I must be the stupidest, most clueless man in the United States. Belay that, mates, I am the stupidest, most clueless man on the Planet Earth! Yesterday, being Thanksgiving, I had the day off from work, and after feasting on more calories than the average Sudanese child con...

Christmas Falls Foul of PC Brigade As Santa Closed Down

A North Pole man has been told he can no longer operate his seasonal business venture, delivering toys to children, after he violated several laws and incurred the wrath of politically correct organizations from across the globe. Santa Claus, who...

Twitter Birdie Admits Hacking Emails, May Be Recruited by FBI

It's a bird...it's a plane...no, it's a bird all right. One nosy bird, that's for sure. Last night she finally came clean and admitted that she's been doing much more than delivering tweets. She's been hacking the email of tweeters, claiming that...

A List of 10 Little Known Facts About Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton is a 31-year-old Tinsel Town socialite who grew up with a convenient silver spoon in her mouth. She has succeeded in showing America that just because someone is worth $100 million doesn't exactly mean that they could pass a standard comprehensive test or even get a passing score on the Rorschach Inkblot Test. Paris has expressed an interest in wanting to be one of the celebrit...

Lindsay Lohan Arrested (Again!)

NEW YORK CITY - The human time bomb known as Lindsay Lohan keeps on furiously tick tocking and there appears to be nothing anyone can do about it. Lohan, who is considered one of the luckiest females in the history of the world, continues to push...

Australia To Aid America

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States has decided that it will not be asking the Republic of China for another loan. Federal financial experts have stated that the United States already owes the Republic of China $1.15 billion. They stated that...

My life as a man #35

Why what matters no longer matters! I don't know about you readers, but for me at least, there is far too much written in the print media, and way the hell too much on TV, about "celebrity news." Celebrity News is an oxymoronic concept in every way! There is nothing at all new about the shit celebrities get their wonky asses involved in--not a goddamned thing. Sure we all like a good, bloo...

Tool-making Cockatoo Signs Contract with Home Depot

No sooner had a cockatoo in captivity in Austria made the news by showing that he was able to fashion his own tools (read all about it in an article, Cockatoo shows tool-making skills, by Michelle Warwicker in BBC Nature News), when it was revealed t...

Palin and Trump visit Harlem School get history lesson

NEW YORK CITY (ABSNN) - Constitutional scholar Sarah Palin railed against the American electorate Tuesday night saying "I can't believe people would ignore the US Constitution and elect a man who refuses to balance the budget." Palin was acting as a...

Miley Cyrus Talks About Her Roller Coaster Engagement

TIJUANA, Mexico - Miley Cyrus visited Tijuana in order to purchase a Dora The Explorer Piñata for a six-year-old friend of the family's. While shopping at the Que Paso Mall she was asked by Laguna Vendetta with Las Maracas News Agency about her en...

Bad News For The Tea Bag Party

FLAGSTAFF, Arizona - A spokesperson for The Tea Bag Party who spoke on grounds of anonymity stated that their is some big time trouble brewing within the Tea Bag Party (no pun intended). The unnamed source informed GOPicky Magazine that since the...

Joe Biden on karmic 'Liverpool Care Pathway' say stargazers

Washington - Capitol Hill astrologers are piling on the misery as a series of strategic zodiac aspects continues to blight Vice President Biden's natal chart. "We see him on the karmic equivalent of the Brits' controversial Liverpool Care Pathway,...

Sarah Palin to host TLC's 'Hunting from Hueys' in January

ATLANTA, Georgia (ABSNN) - The Learning Channel, once home to NASA, now home to Honey Boo Boo, has signed former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to a two-year, weekly outdoor, hunting themed show called "Hunting from Hueys." "We are exceptionally plea...

Bears WR tells Scottish reporter about Viagra use in the NFL

CHICAGO, Illinois (ABSNN) - "They test NFL players for performance enhancement drugs (PED's), but what they're looking for is steroids, not male enhancement drugs such as Viagra. They can stop us from bulking up, but not from getting laid," said Chi...

Vermont Bans Rap Music

MONTPELIER, Vermont - The Vermont state senate has just voted on a music bill which is the first of its kind in the entire United States. Congressman Cooperton Blizzardbinster, 68, told the news media that after every state congressman received hu...

Facebook Friends Accidently Meet In Real Life, Have Nothing To Say

Philadelphia, PA-- When Miss Vicky Smegma went for a walk this morning, the last person she expected to see was Miss Vera Cockwhistle--one of her Facebook 'friends'. Both women are painfully shy and extremely introverted. Both women also live in th...

Local Man Snubbed By Famous Rock Star

Philadelphia, PA-- A local rock music fan has learned a valuable lesson after meeting a famous rock star on the streets of Philadelphia. Entertainment sources say a man called HB had a confrontation with the rock star Stung from The Polizi. The con...

Body under Leicester parking lot not Richard III's: It's Jimmy Hoffa's!

LEICESTER, England (ABSNN) - A whole lot of people who believed the male skeleton found beneath a parking lot in this English city was King Richard III, who was slain during the War of the Roses, an English Civil War, were disappointed when DNA testi...

Kristen Stewart Fired!

OAXACA, Mexico - The Twilight Saga actress who says she has never been as depressed as she is now has just become even more depressed. K-Stew was only in her second day of shooting her latest motion picture Bonfire - The Joan of Arc Story, when sh...

Drunken Aussie idiot mistakes croc for a roo!

An Australian clown who was blind drunk went out looking for a ride on a "roo" and ended up in the zoo (That rhymes). Being blind and drunk he jumped over the first fence available hoping to find a suitable "roo" to ride but mistakingly leapt on to t...

Donald Trump Demands To Inspect All Election Ballot Papers

Following President Obama's victorious bid for a second term in the White House, his nemesis Donald Trump has launched a scathing attack against him and democracy on Twitter. Trump, a US property mogul and internationally renowned idiot, who suppo...

General Petraeus Stripped of His 'License to Kill'

Washington DC - The State Department has revoked the master spy privileges of disgraced former CIA director David Petraeus. That means the ex-general has lost all of his "00" espionage perks, including the highly prized "License to Kill." "Because...

Jack Nicholson and Sandra Bullock To Star In "PaulaGate - The General David Petraeus Story"

HOLLYWOOD - One of the biggest political scandals to hit the nation in a while is already in the process of being made into a motion picture. TouchRock Pictures in association with Pipe Dream Films has just announced that the movie based on The Ge...

Angelina Jolie Tells Brad Pitt - Lose Weight Or I Won't Marry You

NEW YORK CITY - Angelina Jolie has shown that when she gets upset her nails come out and she starts scratching whatever is handy in order to make her point. And her latest point deals with soon-to-be-hubby Brad Pitt's sudden weight gain. Jolie...

Texas Secession a recession beater for Bumper Sticker Vendors

ASININE, Texas (ABSNN) - Deep in the heart of this tiny west Texas town is the epicenter of the Texas Secession Movement. In an old, deserted looking storefront, on an equally deserted Main Street, a silk screen print shop company is working three s...

Ecuador Plans To Invade India

QUITO, Ecuador - The South American government of Ecuador has been flooded with emails, text messages, letters, and two singing telegrams regarding the latest military rumor regarding that bicuspid-shaped country. The rumorous rumor is believed to...

Kat Von D's Tattoo Dilemma

VENICE BEACH, California - Kat Von D is perhaps one of the most tattooed women in the entire country. The former fianceé of "Messy" Jesse James has said that she has become addicted to tattoos and now has more than most American males over the age...

Obama Wins Election, Hannity Declares Romney Victorious

Four more years of President Obama. That's what the American people have decided. After a close race Obama came out on top beating his challenger Mitt Romney. While some are delighted with the result, others are devastated. Fox News' chief o...

Nervous Barber Accidentally Cuts Off Customer's Ear

Philadelphia, PA-- A very nervous new barber cut off the left ear of his very first customer by mistake. Sources say Tony Baloney sliced off the ear of an unidentified middle aged man last month. No charges are expected to be filed in the surreal ca...

Ann Romney Reveals Her Husband Mitt Is Depressed

BOSTON - Ann Romney, wife of Mitt Romney, was in the city known by chefs throughout America as Bean Town. She had come to Boston on a winter shoe buying spree. Mrs Romney was asked by Asburn Wasabi with The Right Coast Illustrated Revue how her h...

The Behind-The-Scenes Story of The NASCAR Feud Between Jeff Gordon and Clint Bowyer

ATLANTA - NASCAR vice-president of Oil Changes Clyde P. Duckmeister, was asked to comment on the recent unfortunate incident which occurred in Phoenix at the Phoenix International Raceway in which Jeff Gordon purposely drove his number 24 car into Cl...

Big Bird leads junta: seizes USA! Elections cancelled

WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) - The United States of America is now under the military control of Muppets from the Children's Television Workshop. Muppet Military Command (MMC) first occupied the Pentagon and took firm control over all US military forces i...

X Files honeytrap caught General Petraeus

Langley, Va - "Hell hath no fury as a Borg Queen scorned!" is how one intelligence analyst put it as news of David Petraeus' sudden departure broke. Speaking to reporters this morning Official Shrink to the CIA Professor Einstein Flintstone descri...

Jill Kelley once auditioned for top role in remake of The Honorary Consul

Tampa. Florida - The Oliver Stone-directed movie was to have featured Lebanese-born socialite and MacDill Air Force Base 'community organizer' [sic] Jill Kelley in the plum role of Clara Fortnum in a new version of the 1983 movie of the Graham Greene...

San Franciso bans nekkidness--'All nekkidness'

SAN FRANCISCO, California (ABSNN) - The City Board of Supervisors of San Francisco voted 6-5 Tuesday to prohibit Bay Area residents ever again getting nekkid. Even showering in the nude is now a felony crime. "All forms of nekkidness is hereby and...

Slob Cat Still Gets Laid More Than Owner

Despite being fat, ugly, lazy, suffering from a flatulence problem, having bad fish breath as well as fleas, 5 year old cat Sebastian still gets laid more than his owner, a relatively good looking, slim, hard working young man with no foul breath pr...

Statues to be erected all over the planet in honour of total arseholes!

After the stunning success of Sir Alex Ferguson having his statue revealed at the Theatre of Dreams in Manchester, the United Nations, FIFA and Jaggedone (who?), have decided to erect statues to some of the world's greatest arseholes in places where masses of pigeons (and other birds) can shit all over them (SAF is not an arsehole BTW!). The statues would then become symbols of human madness an...

Snake Kicked Off Plane at Glasgow Airport Gives Interview

It wasn't first-class treatment at all, that's for sure. But then again, he wasn't a first-class passenger. The snake, after all, was just a stowaway. When he was found slithering along under some seats in a plane from Mexico, he was carted of...

Star Wars 7 Cast Annouced

George Lucas and Disney have announced several cast members who shall be appearing in the new Star Was movie, the seventh in the series, which follows on from where the Return of the Jedi left off. Though Darth Vader is dead it has now been confir...

Justin Bieber 'much too young and immature' for lovely Barbara Palvin says loyal boyfriend

New York - "Back home in Budapest we have this saying," Hungarian model Kristof Somfai explained this morning, "from the outside a handsome youth may look like he's already shaving but on the inside he's still - how you say? - an unripened, er, fruit...

Kent Bigfoot traced to Lisa Marie Presley's country pile

Garden of England - "Maybe it's an escapee from the Scientologists' Saint Hill Manor bunker," retired local X-Files sleuth Bob 'Mulder' Damson commented as news of the eight foot beastie's sighting broke. The ruddy-furred yeti seen marauding Royal...

Cat Makes A Million on E-Trade

Park Slope, NY - Fuggles the cat wasn't much loved by his new owner, Daniel Stone, who would sooner have gotten rid of him altogether... but then Fuggles became much more valuable. Fuggles had been bestowed upon Mr. Stone by his girlfriend, Sophie...

Cannabis Ruled At First Thanksgiving

Plymouth, MA-- An exciting new historical theory is giving Americans a new look at Thanksgiving. Historians now believe that the Pilgrims and Indians used 'tons' of ganja together. The green herb was in everything from the turkey stuffing to the ap...

Palace publicity stunt as naked man sits on Duke of Cambridge's face

London - US networks have just picked up a fast-breaking British story about a fierce counter-intelligence op underway in London after risqué pics of a naked Prince William and a six foot eight squaddie 'doing what comes naturally' were leaked to the...

Hillary Clinton is next London Ambassador as Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel makes Secretary of State

Washington DC - In what's been described as her very own 'Don't Cry For Me, Argentina' moment Hillary's resignation after four years of running the State Department comes with the sure-fire sweetener of the US's top diplomatic posting to London.

Len Goodman Hints He May Depart Dancing With The Stars

HOLLYWOOD - There is probably no one in Hollywood who is grouchier than Len Goodman, the British judge on Dancing With The Stars. The 68-year-old native of London recently told Tahiti Zeppelin with Hollywood Hors D'oeuvres that the thrill of being...

Lindsay Lohan Wants To Make A Comedy Film With Robin Williams

KEYSTONE, South Dakota - Lindsay Lohan traveled to The Black Hills of South Dakota to visit Mount Rushmore. She had been told by her therapist Dr. Ottoman Buxton of Tarzana, that she really needed to visit Mount Rushmore and take a good look at th...

Presidential flip-flopper heaven as Mercury goes retrograde on November 6th

Washington - It's bad news for the Romney Campaign as millions of undecided American voters head for the polls under the influence of a rare astrological aspect on the day of the US presidential election. Tuesday sees Mercury, planet of communicat...

The Term "Dwarf Planet" Deemed Offensive

Planetary astronomers are treading carefully after being labeled as planetists for using the term Dwarf Planet. The Technical Words Institute of Technology and Science, or T.W.I.T.S. for short, are protesting the derogatory nature of this astronomica...

"Dirty Jobs" cancelled but Mike Rowe's new series "Dirty Girls" begins Jan on Discovery

ATLANTA, Georgia (ABSNN) - The ever smiling Mike Rowe, host of the Discovery Channel's long-running "Dirty Jobs" announced the show would not continue after this year. However, Rowe is not out of a job at the Discovery Channel; he will host a new sh...

Alcatraz to reopen as prison

California officials are planning to reopen Alcatraz as a correctional facility by May, 2013. The shocking and sudden decision comes after the state officials announced California couldn't meet the U.S. Supreme Court ruling to remove tens of thousand...

Vice-President Joe Biden's Christmas Gift

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Jill Biden has said that she always likes to do her Christmas shopping three weeks before Christmas. She added that she learned her lesson back in 1993, when she got got caught in a shoppers stampede at a mall in Dover, Delaware...

Napple's New Self-Driving Car is Like Riding With Your Blind Grandmother

From the internet search engine giant, Giggle's recently released self-driving car has sent ripples throughout the automotive and computer industries. Though less than perfect, Napple decided that in order to compete, it had to release it's own versi...

New Study Proves Nice Guys Finish Last

Philadelphia, PA-- Exciting new research from the University of Pencilvania has proven an old adage--nice guys finish last. A group of psychiatrists, psychologists and physiologists tested thousands of incoming male freshmen over a period of five y...

Texas vet says DNA proves Bigfoot is part human, 'At least his penis is'

DALLAS, Texas (ABSNN) - Texas, long the foe of evolution, is back in the news today thanks to a report from a Texas veterinarian who told reporters that DNA samples prove that the legendary "Bigfoot is part human-well, at least Bigfoot's penis is hum...

Two Americans Will Attend Spoof Christmas Party in the UK

And they are: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. They've managed to get a few days off from their Christmas duties in order to attend the festivities. And of course Rudolph will provide the air transportation. He's good at that. He'll carry Frosty in a sidecar kind of setup. It's a bit of a pain in the butt, said Rudolph; but, as he points out, "Frosty doesn't exactly ha...

Gnomes of Zurich rattled at new Bank of England Governor appointment

New York - "In central banking stature terms the man's a midget," the CEO of First Moneylaundering Gnomes of Zurich Bank [USA] Inc said today as news of Mark Carney's appointment broke, "probably only got the Canadian job for keeping his mouth shut a...

My life as a man #31

God damn you merry gentlemen! What I've learned in my 61 years is that if you spend too much time in the past, you get trapped there, especially if the past is all you have to get you through the day. I am as much a historian as anything I may be. But the past is the past. And while I admire those who plan well for their futures, I am also smart enough to know that a significant number of th...

Spoof news stories from November 2012

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