Spoof news stories from Thursday 29 March 2012
Government To Implement New Sunlight Tax
In a move that is certain to delight everyone who lives on this beautiful island, our beloved and inventive government has come up with yet another brilliant way to raise more money for them to spend wisely.
The sunlight tax bill is due to be deba...
"Anna Soubry's A Lying Bastard Bitch Too!" Says Yorkshire VAT Pasty Rebel Ken Mither
Hotshot Yorkshire based VAT on pasties rebel, and campaigner for real gravy, Ken Mither, this evening reacted furiously to an edition of the BBC's 'Question Time' programme, after Conservative MP Anna Soubry, a panellist on the programme, stated that...
Space Aliens Take Over Antarctica
New York, NY-- Leaders from around the world are beginning to discuss in public what has been known in private for many years. The continent of Antarctica has been colonized by extra-terrestrials. The alien race is willing to live in harmony with t...
Droylsden lose the Manchester Senior Cup without kicking a ball
Droylsden FC, a not-quite-professional football club from east Manchester playing in the Conference North has lost the final of the Manchester Senior Cup without ever kicking a ball.
The game, scheduled for last week, was postponed when Droylsden...
Man loses life in a thumb fight!
The owner of a small Chinese restaurant business, Mr.Wang Haichiko, had been fighting a takeover of his business by the restaurant giant Little Caesars Pizza, for more than 4 Months now. He had been making losses in his business and was slowly runnin...
Anti-slippers are a must buy for the safety conscious
The Safety in the Home Instructional Task-force has produced its recommendations to cut down on accidents in the home. The main outcome of the five year study is that the slippers are to blame for just over half of all home based accidents.
"In fi...
Chemist gets drunk, ends up creating a cure for a disease yet undiscovered!
On 29th March, a local newspaper agency of Stillwater, Oklahoma, got a call from Ethan J. Brown, late in the night, who claimed to have had a major breakthrough in finding a cure to a very special medical condition.
Ethan, a chemist by profession,...
End of the World 2
Cinemas are getting prepared to screen the new sensational blockbuster End of the World 2. Following the huge success of End of the World last year, which portrayed the terror and mayhem of a strike by nurses, we are promised that the follow up will...
50th aniversary of breast implants and they just keep growing!
Breat implants have now been part of the female race for 50 years and there is no sign that that they are getting any smaller, in fact they increase year for year!
In the beginning they were soft, foamy and very spongy; nowadays they tend to be fi...
People Who Brought You Idol To Adapt Hunger Games As Reality Show
Simon Cowell has announced today that his TV company "Idol Bastards" will produce a reality live action game show based on the movie Hunger Games to be named "Starvin' Marvin - Hunt Them Kids Down"
Contestants from each US state, one boy and one g...
Obama's To Divorce After President Admits To secret Love Child Trayvon Martin
President Barack Obama who weighed into the controversial killing of a black teenager in Florida in very personal terms last week, announcing the boy to his son and calling for American "soul searching" over how the incident occurred has incurred the...
Chancellor To Tax Packed Lunches
In a bold move to cut the UK trade deficit, Chancellor, George Osborne has taken the bold move of taxing packed lunches, at a standard rate of £2 per packed lunch.
Critics say that the move is ludicrous and unworkable, and that it will only lead t...
Soccer player puts gun to his own head, but misses!
Robson de Souza, A.K.A. Robinho, the second striker for the club AC Milan tried to kill himself on March 28th, following his disgraceful performance in the match against Barcelona.
On March 28th, the match between AC Milan and Barcelona ended in a...
Ed Miliband 'is Red Ken's love child' - reports
London - Aides of London Mayor wannabe Ken Livingstone were staying silent as news of his paternity of the Labour leader broke today.
Apparently a late 1960s fling with a 'deranged alcoholic slag' saw 'Ed' spawned in the back of a London potting s...
Tour de france to cheer up its participants
A recent meeting of the decision committee of the cycling mega-event 'Tour de France', ends with a great news for everybody related to the event, including its massive viewership around the world.
The Tour de France events will now feature a Cheer...
Kirsten Dunst to play the new superhero(ine) in Spider-Woman
Kirsten Dunst will now stop swinging around with her old on-screen boyfriend Tobey Maguire, who plays the role of Peter Parker/Spiderman in the Spiderman movie series, and "Hang Around" the New York skyline by herself.
A source associated with the...
Former Kamikaze pilot hired by Gingrich!
In a surprise announcement this morning, Newt Gingrich announced that he had hired an Ex Kamikaze pilot as his campaign manager. Newt introduced the ninety-two year old pilot Yoshiro Metamora and explained his strategy in a few words.
According...
The idea of Big Foot appeals to most women
According to a recent global survey, 9.8 out of 10 women from many countries around the world get excited at the mention of the possibility of a human-like creature, but with exceptionally large feet.
At the mere mention of the name Big Foot, most(all) of these women start to imagine a manly, beefy, hulk-like giant with feet, twice the size of any average man. One of these women says, "You...
Navy Seals To Be Issued With Hoodies To Make Them Look Meaner
The US Department of Defense has announced that American Special Forces squads are to be issued with "Hoodies" in an attempt to instil fear into enemy troops.
"Hoodies" are believed to strike more terror into American's than any other item of clot...
Nudge, Nudge. Ginsberg Goes!
Is she a goer? Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Is she a goer? Does she go? Does she go? Ay, Ay, does she go? I bet she does! I bet she does! Nudge, nudge.
Of course, as any fan of Monty Python knows, in this famous humorous...
Glenn Hoddle Is New England Manager
Glenn Hoddle has been named England manager, according to a press release made from FA HQ in London.
Hoddle, 60, last managed England in 1996 - and led them to World Cup gory, or would have, had David Beckham not got himself sent off against Argen...
Tepid Cornish pasties blamed for narcolepsy pandemic
London - The government has been forced to eat cold humble pie after experts traced a paralytic extreme drowsiness pandemic to soaring numbers of people eating the lukewarm snacks.
Last week's budget slapped a hefty 20% VAT hike on the nation's fa...
Kevin Garnett Does Not Live on Golden Pond
Since being moved to play a position he detests, Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics has been playing like a young pup. No matter where he plays, KG always resembles a young whelp.
After spearheading another Celtic victory, the kingpin and centerp...
Shades of Grey Trilogy; Should Hercule Poirot Share In Its Profits?
"Oui," answers Poirot.
You see, it's the cells, those "little gray cells" that the Belgian detective always speaks of. Now someone has stolen his thunder, taken the word gray (sometimes spelled grey), and is using it to make a mint. And Poirot...
Crisis in Downing Street
Following the news that guests paid up to £25,000 to have dinner with David and Samantha Cameron, recent publicity for those who have attended has resulted in a marked drop-off in attendance to the Cameron dinner parties.
Cameron complained today...
Belgian Man Sues Language School when Subliminal Speak German CD causes him to Invade Poland
Martin Krauthammer, a 41-year old Belgian national and middle-ranking functionary at the EU in Brussels, hoped in February that his career - and his unrequited love for German Chancellor Angela Merkel - could only be enhanced by learning to read and...
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom Could Be Heading For The Big "D" (Divorce)
DALLAS - It is no secret that Khloe Kardashian, 27, misses the spotlight of Tinsel Town worse than she lets on.
Big Khloe, as her husband Lamar Odom calls her, has made it known that she is not at all happy with having to relocate from her home in...
Nadya Suleman AKA "OctoMom" Begs Simon Cowell To Let Her Take Nicole Scherzinger's Place On X-Factor
LA HABRA, California - Nadya Suleman, better known as "OctoMom" has found herself in some serious financial trouble.
The single mother of 14, including octuplets, cannot afford to continue living in her present home. The house is valued at $565,00...
My Worst Nightmare: I Was Married to Newt Gingrich
I'm coming clean and you are the first to know.
If you are a frequent Dating Dementia reader, you'll recall that I seldom remember my dreams. Scientists have established that everyone dreams. I'm sure I do. Yet, for some unknown reason, upon waking I remember nothing about the weird wanderings of my midnight mind.
Ignorance is indeed bliss.
My bliss bubble was popped early this morning...
"Bitches Against Romney." Female Dogs Unite Against Mitt Romney's Shocking Mistreatment of Seamus, Their Canine Brother
Every good dog has his day, and Seamus Romney is finally feeling his alpha male oats. Seamus, the long-deceased Irish Setter who belonged to presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, became famous for one of the Romney family's annual summer road trips whic...
Kohler Movement Flushes Sales
Stock prices of Kohler Corporation tumbled today after their public announcement that they would no longer sponsor advertisements during the immensely popular Rush Limbaugh show. Kohler's keen marketing executives said that building pressure from t...
Senator Rand Paul: France a "great place, except for the 'effing' French!"
BLUEGRASS, KY (ABSNN)-Editor's Note: It would appear that our journalist, Francois Dubois, S.J. has "gone native" in this piece and true objectivity is totally off his table. He actually told me that, for one brief moment, he was in total shock to...
Ready, Re-Aim, Fire
In an unusual twist of an old axiom, you might say that the President has decided the best defense is a strong offense offense. The latest developments in an unfolding story came about this week after a Wikileaks leak followed on the heels of Mr. Ob...
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