Spoof news stories from Tuesday 3 May 2011
FA Chides NBA Over Length of Shorts in Latest Across the Pond Row!
Just when you thought things were simmering down after the untimely demise of Osama Bin Laden, the successful elevation of Pippa Middleton to the 'Hot List', and a set of new dentures for Sky News presenter Skoob, another controversy has risen like t...
PC who baton-whipped dying man says "Oops" at inquest
PC Smug Arsehole has become one of the most hated people in Britain after a jury found him responsible for the unlawful death of innocent bystander Ian Tomlinson at the G20 protest in London two years ago.
Tomlinson, a family man with a wife and t...
Giant Koi Fish To Be Given Posthumous Award In Japan
Tokyo - Akido, a giant orange koi fish, is set to be given an award after he perished in the Japanese tsunami. His owner, Kiko Tatsuyama, said she knew Akido was trying to warn her of an impending disaster when he actually came into the house, w...
Osama Bin Laden cried for his Mommy and "pooped his pants before he died"
The US Government has released further details about how terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden died during a shoot out at his HQ in Pakistan yesterday. The evil criminal mastermind, far from dying with honour and dignity, threw a couple of female human sh...
George Bush - "UFO's Powered by Cranberry Juice"
Vice President Dick Cheney's recently released book on the inside working of the Bush White house paints a portrait of a President who was inquisitive as a child yet a gullible political and intellectual neophyte.
The book, entitled "Down the Rabb...
Update On Bin Laden: He Was Hiding In Plain Sight
Washington, D.C - The U.S. military has now issued an update on the Bin Laden raid. According to high sources, Bin Laden was not located in Pakistan but was found attending a university in the United States as an engineering student. Due to the...
Osama Autopsy Movie Discovered
London, England-- A grainy, black-and white film of Osama bin Laden's autopsy has just been discovered, according to producer Ray Santilli. The 17-minute movie shows an autopsy being performed in a tent by military doctors. The gruesome film will...
Laurie Penny Accused of Killing Bat Colony
Political commentator Laurie Penny has been accused by a wild life conservationist of killing a whole colony of bats.
David Smith was watching a political debate with his family when all of a sudden several bats on his wildlife reserve fell out...
The Economist Magazine to Cater to Fewer Subscribers After Loss of Circulation
LONDON - Many newspapers and magazines have been hit by the internet, many losing circulation due to the free - and often professional - news to be found online.
The Economist, a news magazine, was dubbed the magazine where 'never has so much, bee...
In Wake of Bin Laden's Death; Conspiracy Theorists Become Confused
2011, May 3
First there were the Truthers, then the Birthers, and now in the wake of the death of Osama Bin Laden, we have the Proofers. Hundreds of thousands of people, who on May 1, 2011, were chanting USA, USA and firing shotguns into the ai...
Osama bin Laden ate my hamster
A Pakistani boy from the town of Abbottabad has told the massing reporters of his harrowing experiences at the hand of the evil terrorist leader Osama bin Laden.
The boy told reporters that Bin Laden would often parade through the streets of Abbot...
Osama Bin-Laden Forced to Go Through Airport Security for All Eternity
JAHANNUM, HELL - Bin-Laden, the world's most wanted man, was shot dead on Monday by United States elite forces.
However, where is he now?
Many of his cronies and followers would like him to be in heaven, lording it up with 40 virgins. No such...
Sarah Palin Denies That Osama Bin Laden Had A Cigar Box Underneath His Bed Which Had Nude Pictures of Her
WASILLA, Alaska - Sarah Palin, who still insists that she will be the GOP presidential candidate in 2012, called a press conference in front of her Wasilla home, Casa Moscow.
Palin, was reportedly furious and fit to be tied, after reading in the s...
SuBo Spotted In SoBe Drinking Sobe
Florida - SuBo aka Susan Boyle was spotted by paparazzi in SoBe aka South Beach (Miami), drinking Sobe aka.... well, it doesn't have an aka, it's Sobe. So, why was the unstable yet strangely mesmerizing frump SuBo hanging out among the beau...
Bin Laden Black Box Recovered By Divers In Arabian Sea
Al Jazeera reported today that Pakistani divers in a submerged recovery vessel located the black box of Osama bin Laden some two miles below the surface of the North Arabian Sea.
Using coordinates from orbiting satellites, they traced the route of...
Update: Bin Laden Died Penniless After Investing Billions with Bernie Madoff
The special federal government office tasked with combing through Osama bin Laden's confiscated computer hard drives revealed today that they revealed he died penniless after losing billions of dollars in Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme.
One video...
UK-Wide Terror alerts as dead Osama bin Laden spotted alive - everywhere!
In spite of news reports confirming the death of the al-Qaeda leader, local residents from several villages up and down the UK have sparked a nationwide terror alert.
Calls have been made to 999 from hundreds of concerned people, all of whom belie...
Cops find giant exoskeleton remains of Attack Of The 50ft Woman star
Beverly Hills - The discovery of 82 year-old Yvette Vickers' calcified cocoon exoskeleton comes one year after her death.
Shocked Benedict Canyon neighbors say the Attack of the 50ft Woman star must have pupated alone, leaving behind just a massiv...
World's most wanted 60 year-old Spoofer shot dead and body dumped in North Sea!
Venlo, Holland: The world is a safer place now after the world's most notorious, wanted Spoofer was tracked down, shot dead and his body dumped in the North Sea yesterday.
The FBI, CIA, Mossad, MI5, SS, Gestapo, SAS, etc, had been tracking this no...
Bin Laden is ALIVE! Or, is he?
Following yesterdays cross-country celebrations, over the reported demise, of Osama Bin Laden, an anonymous source has sent the media a tape, which shows some surprising information.
The video appears to show a sort-of American Idol style competit...
Weather-Related Petitionary Prayer Could Cause Environmental Catastrophes, Warn Scientists
Controversy surrounding weather management for the recent British Royal Wedding has reignited debate about the effect of petitionary prayer on global weather systems.
London's weather forecast for the Royal Wedding day had been poor. Unofficial Pa...
Susan Boyle Arrested at al-Qaeda Compound in Pakistan
Itsallagame, Pakistan-- Singer Susan Boyle was arrested by US Navy Seals during the raid at the bin Laden compound in Pakistan last week. The surprising arrest shocked everyone--apparently Susan has been a member of al-Qaeda for many, many years.
Pakistan thought Bin laden's house was their Presidential White House equivalent
The Pakistani Home Office Minister, Fatima Chipfryeur, said today that the fact Mr Bin Liner was living in a massive compound roughly eight times larger than other homes in the area in the medium-sized city of Abbottabad, itself home to a large Pakis...
The Bin Laden Story
The FBI and CIA have combined to give the lowdown on how they tracked down Osama Bin Laden.
Knowing Bin Laden was not a modest man they got a message through to him that he was to star in an episode of an American soap. The opportunity to get the...
World Oil To Cease Production Tomorrow At Noon
The Netherlands - At precisely noon tomorrow, depending on what time noon arrives where you live, oil will officially stop production. While it had been previously thought there was one or two weeks of oil left, there really wasn't.
A spokesm...
Al Qaeda plan to target Eurovision 2011 foiled
The German Federal Intelligence Service (BND) have announced today that they have foiled an al-Qaeda plot to target the 2011 Eurovision song contest.
The plot was intended to be in retaliation for the killing of their leader, Osama bin Laden, at t...
Donald Trump demands that Obama show bin Laden's death certificate
Washington, D.C. (AP) - Reacting to continuing coverage that Osama bin Laden, the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks as well as other terrorist attacks against Americans in Somalia, East Africa, and the U.S.S. Cole, had been killed in a U.S. military ope...
Robert Pattinson and Heidi Montag Will Star In The X-Rated "The Naked Cougar of Cucamonga"
LOS ANGELES - The star of the Twilight movies and most recently the hit movie Water For Elephants Rob Pattinson has expressed extreme joy at the fact that he will soon be starring with Heidi Montag in Staccato Monteverdi's classic epic, The Naked Cou...
The Middleton Sisters, Kate and Pippa To Appear In A Very "Tasteful" Nude Layout In PlayGuy Magazine
CHICAGO - Emma Jo Friscatti, the editor of PlayGuy Magazine which is one of the most widely read men's magazines in the world, has proudly announced that she has signed England's Middleton sisters Kate and Pippa to appear in her magazine.
Ms. Fris...
Celebrity Apprentice: Star Jones and NeNe Leakes Get Involved In An Off-Camera "Titillatingly Explicit" Catfight!
NEW YORK CITY - Celebrity Apprentice contestant La Toya Jackson got fired by Donald Trump last week and before she left she called Star Jones the biggest back stabber since Benedict Arnold.
And this week NeNe Leakes, who appears on the reality sho...
Fairytale Marriage To Be Annulled - Shock!
The Royal Family, David Cameron, The people of the quintessentially English and Berkshire village Bucklebury, and that mental bloke who camped out for days on the pavement outside Westminster Abbey last week, have all been left reeling today followin...
Osama Bin Laden Returns As Virgin Shortage Deepens!
In a strange turn of events, Osama Bin Laden, his son, and Saif al-Arab Gaddafi, son of Col Gaddafi were all apparently killed on or around May 1st. It has always been a promise of Allah to allow martyrs 72 virgins as a reward for sacrificing their l...
Bachmann: "Obama should have done it himself!"
The news media is reporting that when the news of the death of Osama Bin Laden was announced on Sunday night, the outpouring of praise for President Obama was almost universal. "Not quite," reports the AP as the nay-sayers were quick to respond.
C...
Fishermen spot Osama Bin Laden: He was walking on the water
Panic swept through a Greek shipping boat when the crew spotted the 48-hour dead Osama Bin Laden.
The late Al Qaeda leader was walking on the water.
Said the head of the Athens-based shipping company: "Dear God no, my men were not drunk. They k...
UK announces period of mourning for Osama Bin Laden
Following the unexpected demise of Osama Bin Laden, described by many as the extremist's Max Clifford, the UK last night went into morning.
The Home Secretary announced that with effect from 12.00am last night, the UK was to enter a 12-hour period...
Pakistan offers Royal couple use of recently vacated honeymoon hideway
The delayed honeymoon of newlyweds the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge may now go ahead immediately after the Pakistani government offered use of a recently vacated high security compound guaranteed to suppress the Royal couples location for an extensi...
Where's Wally Type Book produced with Wills' and Kate's Wedding photos
Mullins, the publishers behind the Where's Wally books have paid William and Kate one million pound Stirling to use their wedding photographs in a Where's Wally style book.
"We're very excited," said Cullen Mullins, owner of Mullins. "There are th...
Bin Laden's Watery Grave
The search is on for Osama Bin Laden's watery grave 'somewhere in the Indian Ocean'. Al Queda have suspended all operations in order to concentrate on locating their leader so that they can retrieve his body and put it in a suitable place.
This is...
Births deaths and marriages
An unreal life on an the imaginary planet of Dreamworld.
In an unprecedented sequence of events, Dreamworld has been set rocking by three astounding occurrences, a marriage, a birth and a death on three consecutive days.
This is all so incredibly funny for our cynical members.
In the first event, the son of a rugby captain was wed to an unknown person in a congruous display of mind contro...
One man one vote - Alternate voting (AV) set to be a big disappointment
Apathy in the electorate combined with the vast majority of people not understanding Alternate Voting is expected to result in the lowest turnout for a national vote ever.
"In some areas, we are expecting only a handful of voters," said Nick Clegg...
Johnny Depp's Rolling Stone Drink Mystery Solved
Top cool dude Johnny Depp was thrilled to share after-work drinks with Rolling Stone Keith Richards during the shooting of Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.
Johnny reports that after a long day's filming, he and Keef would retire to his...
Film Released Of Osama's Death
Disturbing film has been released by ABC TV showing TV staff's reaction to the Obama White House team's reactions in the Situation Room as they watched the killing of Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
One female editor visibly blanched as Secretary of...
Prince And Princess Split Up
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have had their first argument and are undergoing a "temporary parting of the ways".
The Duke is unhappy with the public perception of the former Kate Middleton as being "a lazy mare" as she has not worked since 20...
Pigs Evolved To Love Mud
An animal researcher in Holland has claimed that the modern day pig's musical tastes have evolved over the last few decades, much like humans.
Unlike the human race, however, animals of the trottered variety still lag quite a way behind in their m...
Drivers Warned Over Road Menace
Transport Scotland has warned drivers about a menace on the roads at this time of the year.
The Scottish national transport agency issued a statement this afternoon :
"Every time this year hundreds of young, immature creatures are freed from th...
Hitler, Stalin, and Jeffrey Dahmer greet Bin Laden in Hell
Hades - Osama Bin Laden was "disappointed but happy" when he arrived in Hell yesterday. "I was certainly looking forward to my 72 virgins." stated Bin Laden after being advised that his religion was false.
His sadness was replaced by a little j...
Al Queda Claims: We have Osama's Nose and He Will Be Back!
Islamabad - Hours after American Navy Seals took out Osama Bin Ladin in a covert operation of amazing swiftness, Al Queda operatives claim they have a portion of Osama Bin Ladin's nose.
"The American swine shot off part of his nose!" said Abducta...
Justin Bieber Victimizes Australian Bully-Boy Casey Heynes
Former bully-victim and disgraceful mega-superstar Justin Bieber stunned fans and social workers alike when he brought bad-ass former bully victim Casey Heynes on stage with him-- and then victimized him in a way heretofore unseen in mass entertainme...
Trump claims credit for killing of Bin Laden!
New York City, NY - The Donald called a press conference today to announce he was responsible for Osama bin Laden's demise.
"I give myself great credit. I am the one who forced President Obama to reveal his original long form birth certificate. I kept asking, where is the birth certificate? John McCain couldn't do it, not even the Clintons could do it. I DID IT!
"Now, everyone should send...
Mockingbird Sings, So Woman Doesn't Get Diamond Ring
A woman in Montreal is upset with her husband due to his recent present to her of a mockingbird for her birthday. When she received the gift, her spouse promised Elaine Tucker that "it won't sing." He also told her that if it fulfilled this conditi...
Google Spokesman: "We Knew Where Bin Laden was all along"
Today Google spokesman, Jerry Nosey, announced that Google knew where Osama Bin Laden was all along.
"We've known where Osama Bin Laden was hiding for years", said Jerry Nosey. "We know where everybody is, all the time. Not only do we know where everybody is, we, also, know what everybody is doing".
"We knew that on November 3, 2006, Bin Laden was in Tehran playing putt-putt golf with Iran...
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