Spoof news stories from Sunday 30 January 2011
Letters To The Editor - From Daft Bastards
Sick Of It
Sir,
I'm sick of it. Who are these people? They send me junk mail, spam emails, cold call me when I'm having a bath, knock on my door asking if I've got any spare gold I don't want, and rattle collection boxes in my face when I'm going shopping. Why are they allowed to get away with it? If everybody behaved like the staff at Poundland, the world would be a much brighter place. Pro...
Opthalmic: By William Shakespeare
Act one: Scene one: The shop.
DESDAMOANING: "Tis ort but a simple tested of thine eyes, for better looked you at thy newspaper"
OTHERLO: "Verily, thou doth nag thy cranium noon till the moon hath risen and fallen beyond the trees!".
DESDAMOANING: "Rankor me not, for my fist will be upon thy nostrils and mine own boot will meeteth thy bolox".
OTHERLO: "On bike shall thee ride a...
Rampant Racism Ends Satire Website's Upright-Walking Gorilla 'Write your own caption' Contest
A leading, English-only, British satire website has announced the end of its "Upright Walking Gorilla Write Your Own Caption" contest, because of all of the bigoted jokes submitted by readers.
"We thought that it would be fun to see what jokes our...
Spoofer Can't Find a Cool Story to Write About
BIRMINGHAM - Spoofer Inhopeless cannot find a cool story to write about.
TheSpoof.com writer, who likes stuff, is having writer's block.
The writer's block occurred when, after a spree of writing stories, the Spoofer could not write no more.
Man Finds Spoof Headline Slightly Humourous, But That's About It
BIRMINGHAM - Local man, Bill Smiths, had read a story on popular user-generated site TheSpoof.com
"I mean, the headline was slightly funny," he said. "It did make me smirk a little."
After reading the headline, he read the opening sentence whic...
H&R Block Pulls Ads From MTV's Skins, The Spoof.
Financially neutered tax preparation company H&R Block -- the company who has been sued by the Attorneys General of 41 states over various consumer protection issues-- has pulled their advertising from MTV's kiddie-porn show "Skins", just weeks...
Crazed, Rabid Groundhog Predicts Six More MONTHS Of Winter
Valley Forge, PA - A rabid groundhog named Philadelphia Phil has seen his shadow, and cursed the United States with six more months of Winter. The buck-toothed furry critter crawled out of its burrow early this morning and gave everyone the bad news...
Isle of Wight getting cable TV
People living in Newby on the Isle of Wight are getting cable TV at last. Newby Mayor, Asthur Askme, told reporters,
"Villagers are so excited as they will now be able to talk 'trash' with people on the mainland and understand 'trash'. Up until...
Mexicans have the lowest intelligence in the world
Gerald Fryer, an MSU zoologist, who has written several books on how to space walk inside your bedroom by turning off the lights and trotting up and down on your bed, announced at a press conference that Mexicans had the lowest intelligence in the wo...
Snow Alert! Snow Alert! Snow Alert! Snow Alert!
London, England: Snow in January. It's going to snow, the polar bears will be wandering the streets of London again, having swam down the Thames from their thawing icebergs.
Snow Alert! Snow Alert! Snow Alert! Snow Alert!
The wolves will be...
It's No Sexcuse, Say Bosses!
We've always known that a bit of the old hows-your-father in the morning perks up the working day, but now it's official! A group of doctors have found that a quickie before you catch the number 29 bus 'puts a glow on your face' and - it seems - boos...
Forest Sale Scam Shock
The sale of forest land has attracted opposition from unexpected quarters -
A Mr Gump, 49, said 'Ah guess ah'll have to find a new name… Devastation, maybe.'
Frodo Baggins, eleventy-three, said 'Middle Earth will never be the same again. Sellin...
Citizen Emanuel Back In The Mayoral Saddle Again, Many In Hollywood Left Holding 10 Pounds Of Something Indescribably Undesirable In A 5 Pound Bag
HOLLYWOOD - With word coming out of Chicago last week, that the Illinois Supreme Court voted 7-0 in favor of Rahm Emanuel's unwavering claims of in-town residency, the former erstwhile mayoral candidate of the Second City is now back on board as a new and improved, ready-for-full-time, play along for real, totally legit candidate for that burg's highest profile-like public office.
(Not counting...
webmaster@newgolden-jewelry.com : Guilty or Not Gulity?
The Spoof today has been overwhelmed with reports of stories and snippets being literally "stolen to order" by a hong-kong based website.
Sources in the recycling of news industry, where newgolden-jewelry are considered an industry leader, today...
Bradley Manning copied secret documents thanks to lack of safeguards, book claims
The civilized world is up in arms at the latest news that a soldier was able to hack into government computers and pass on secrets. It is alleged that this was all down to a simple lack of security.
Some of these secrets will soon be made public u...
Mean Mr Mustard, of Beatle's song fame, dies at 96
Mean Mr. Mustard, made famous in the Beatles song of the same name, died yesterday at the age of 96 of complications of pneumonia. Mustard has been sleeping in the park lately for the past 50 years and that may have contributed to his illness, source...
Andy Murray SuBo Double Fault Shocker
As if losing his third Grand Slam Final without picking up a set wasn't enough, tennis live wire Andy Murray was today double faulted with the horrific news that X-Factor favourite and all round voice of the people Susan Boyle is his biological moth...
Play Review: Egypt Riot
Well it was, I think one of the best covered plays ever. Even the BBC were advertising it. Of course, there was only exclusive viewings at Cairo, so I caught a flight there.
Weirdly enough, there were no people on board, so I moved to first-class.
When there, there was already a group outside. I watched through the whole thing, however a policeman took me away and put me in a hotel room, pos...
Price of Jelly Baby Shares Go Up on Playground
BIRMINGHAM - On the Playground Stock Exchange (PGSE), the price of Jelly Babies (JEB) has risen due to the drop in sales of Smarties (SMT).
JEB reached a high in 2010, however it was deflated upon the news that sales of Jawbreakers (JBR) were pick...
Sport in Egypt - Latest
In a fast moving situation it is becoming clear that the manager of the Egyptian football team My Bad Back is to be sacked at the next meeting of The Egyptian Football Federation.
Rumours are spreading that a little known Manager, working until re...
Was Christopher Jefferies once an investor in Bristol's Cheriegate block of flats?
Bristol - (Smoke N Mirrors): His property portfolio seems entirely kosher, untainted by fraud such as the Cheriegate block blighted by scammer Peter Foster.
This weekend Canynge Road neighbors recalled how Chris Jefferies very nearly invested in T...
China facing dangerous real-estate bubble and rising inflation
One of China's leading economists has said that the country is facing the possibility of a dangerous real-estate bubble and rising inflation which could put growth at risk.
This headline is a cause for great concern. The majority of the Chinese...
Decendent of Ah-Menrah Places Curse On Eygpt Politicians
CAIRO - Abdullah Al-Fasial, 23, from Alexandria, is a descendant of Ah-Menrah, an ancient Egyptian sorcerer.
The curse, which will be placed upon all of Hossni's ruling party's main people, will take effect tomorrow.
"It didn't have to go down...
US Government: Pay Blood Tax Or We Bleed You Dry
The US government today unveiled plans to hit every man woman and child with a compulsory blood tax in order to combat Americas growing deficit.
Congressman agreed yesterday to the government plans, who voted an incredible 94% in favour of the mo...
Wally For Hollywood
Exclusive Film News in today from Hollywood where Stephen Spielberg has finally agreed to make 'Where's Wally?'
Based on the popular puzzle idea where people spend ages wasting their time trying to find a bespectacled loser, then pointing and shou...
Man survives 1,000ft plunge off a Scottish mountain
News reached the offices of The Spoof this morning that the man who survived this plunge, is indeed a Spoof Writer who wishes, at this point in time, to remain anonymous.
Apparently, he landed on his head, saving him from certain death, which woul...
Charlie Sheen Finally Decides To Enter Rehab - Gets Demi Lovato's Old Room
LOS ANGELES - After a full week of non-stop partying the star of Two and A Half Men, the number one rated comedy show on television, Charlie Sheen has finally decided to enter a rehab clinic.
Tittle Tattle Tonight reported that Carlos Irwin Esteve...
Letters To The Editor - From Deluded People
Justin Bieber.
Sir,
Having seen a photograph recently of young Justin Bieber's fringe - I have a theory. Having such a dramatic fringe does the lad no favours; it serves no purpose other than to make him look somewhat ridiculous. I suspect that the fringe is growing unnaturally out of his forehead, and not out of the top of his head, as he'd have us all believe. Does anybody share my suspici...
Chinese Announce New Constitution
BEIJING-Chinese President Hu Jintao emphasized the need for cooperation with the U.S. in areas from new energy to space on his visit to Washington this week and took the occasion to announce the unveiling of a new constitution which he says will addr...
Andy Murray to Enter A Convent
Melbourne - Andrew Murray awoke after his loss to Novak Djokovic and without a word to anyone left his apartment and disappeared. Later locals spotted him entering Our Lady of the Upper Respiratory Disease Convent on the outskirts of Melbourne.
"H...
Tea Party Descends On Cairo!
The Mayor of Cairo, Illinois, Judson Childs, called on the President this morning to send the National Guard to his city. The mayor, secluded in his home and surrounded by a cordon of local police issued his frantic plea for help in what some are cal...
Blown? Panic in London as 2 Gay MI6 Agents go Missing Amidst Egypt Turmoil!
Lights were ablaze in the Home Office as officials are panicked that two MI6 agents working under the covers in Egypt are now listed as 'missing' after messages in their 'dead drops' located in a Cairo luggage store have gone uncollected!
A source...
'No secret parallel Jo Yeates inquiry' as rattled security agencies deny story spike
Bristol - (Chinese New Year Whipers): Have preposterous subtexts in the Yeates killing probe been hurriedly quashed by British spooks?
Last week's red top suspicions about 'an unreported alternative probe' by the UK's counter-espionage directorate...
Animals check in at Heathrow's special Animal Reception Centre
Animals arriving at Heathrow airport, even those transferring to other flights, must now pass through the Animal Reception Centre. A spokesperson stated that it is well known that drugs and other contraband are smuggled in using animals from various...
To keep her figure for THE wedding, Miss Kate Middleton joins the Harbour Club
Kate is not as vain as this headline suggests. She walked down the streets of London, before joining the gym, looking for the fattest women she could find. She approached each of them (ten in all) and offered to pay for a year's membership at the H...
Brit Murray outclassed by Serb Djokovic; Murray lost his balls, so what's new?
Fred Perry will certainly not be turning in his grave as Britain attempts to find a male Brit who can win the Holy Grail, a tennis Grand Slam.
Scot Andy Murray certainly doesn't fit the bill it seems? Yesterday he had the perfect opportunity to tu...
Future News: Prices Wars II
(Published 2017) - LONDON - A second price war has happened within the borders of Britain. Back in '13 it was GAP vs. Peacock (both are clothes stores). Today it is ASDA Vs. Tesco.
Like the previous price war, both transnational corporations are d...
Mubarak: "I want my Mummy!" - Hillary Clinton Flies to Haiti Instead to Show "Tough Love!"
In a last ditch effort to save his Presidency, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak reached out to the US promising to appoint Hillary Clinton to head up his new government, monitor the redistribution of wealth to the unemployed population, and provide n...
Royal Wedding Condoms Break All Records
Sales of Royal Wedding condoms, to celebrate the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, have erupted throughout the world.
Manufacturers Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction have really hit the spot with this brilliant marketing idea. The co...
What the Devil? Dean Martin Storms New York City! At Least the Bars Anyway
Right out of hell, Dean Martin appeared on the New York City bar scene last night and brought with him the art of partying which has appeared to have been lost over the last 20 years or so.
Dean Martin was first discovered when a New York City pol...
All's well that ends well
A sieve is a tool of wire mesh used for separating small pieces from large ones, good vs. bad. Builders use a sieve to remove large/fine particles. Up to 1970s, in many parts of the world, personnel management, for recruiting, relied on sifting applications, CVs, tests etc, a procedure even esteemed by crime organizations.
With advent of 'ENIAC', 1946, as the first electronic data processing ma...
Brett Favre to Quarterback Lingerie Football League Expansion Team In Green Bay
Tarnished legacy Quarterback Brett Favre is hoping that football fans in Green Bay Wisconsin have forgotten how the future Hall Of Famer f--ked them over by September, because he will be playing for Green Bay next season.
In the Lingerie Football...
Manchester United Defeats Southampton 2-1 On Chicharito's Goal Which He Dedicated To Girlfriend Shakira
SOUTHHAMPTON, England - Manchester United's Javier Hernandez Balcazar, aka Chircharito scored the come-from-behind goal to help the Red Devils defeat the Southampton Saints 2-1 before a crowd of close to 29,000 fans.
After the game Javier told BBC...
US Ambassador to India Denies Hating US Ambassador to Pakistan
In a bizarre twist to the decades-long Indo-Pak diplomatic debacle, Former Bank official AVX Shenoy(myself) has exposed a rift between the US representative to India and and the US representative to Pakistan. Tim Roemer and Cameron Munter have report...
Just a wee chat from a Spoof Writer who is also a Susan Boyle fan but knows nowt about Justin Beiber, Missie Cyrus and the rest of the so called 'celebrities'
Yes, I am not ashamed to admit that I am a Susan Boyle fan. NOT a fanatic..but a fan.
It may sound so very strange to some readers - but Susan Boyle is the woman who brought me to the pages of The Spoof and, to Susan Boyle I will remain eternally greatful. She will probably never ever know this fact...but that's ok.
Susan Boyle doesn't have enough time in her life to understand the impa...
Man caught in butt crack attacks
Seattle, Washington - A Seattle man was arrested Thursday after DNA tests matched his nose hairs to those taken from the buttocks of an attack victim.
Witnesses to the attack report that the man was running behind the woman when he suddenly grab...
Amy Winehouse and Jessie J join "Don't Kebab The Meerkat" Campaign
Amy Winehouse and Jessie J have joined the "Don't kebab the Meerkat" campaign. It was started two weeks ago by Alexandr Meerkat after it was revealed in Spoof News that Meerkat meat and fur had been found in many products on sale in the UK. These p...
Meerkat Kebab Protests Hit Egypt Streets
Ten thousand people have taken to the streets in Egypt in an attempt to try to convince the government to ban Meerkat Kebabs. The discovery that Meerkat meat has been used in the tasty midnight snack for years has caused outrage, not just in Egypt b...
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