Spoof news stories from Wednesday 12 January 2011
The Joy Behar Vs. Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi Feud Is Getting Downright Dirty
NEW YORK CITY - The feud between Joy Behar and "Snooki" Polizzi has been ignited and now gasoline has been throw on the fire.
Behar, the 68-year-old co-host of The View as well as the host of her own show on the Headline News Channel The Joy Behar...
Golden-Voiced Bum to Marry Golden Girl?
The golden-voiced hobo who became famous for fifteen minutes says he plans to wed Rue McClanahan after he completes rehab for drug and alcohol abuse.
Ted Williams, the 53-year-old former radio announcer who lived in a cardboard box and ate cat fo...
Sarah Palin, GOP, NRA Refute Crosshair-Assassination Connection
Sarah Palin, the GOP, and the National Rifle Association fired back at those drawing any connection between the recent Arizona shooting rampage and her use of gun crosshairs on a map targeting U.S. Representatives up for re-election.
A new postin...
Sarah Palin: "Journalists and Pundits Told Me To Say 'Blood Libel', I Actually Like The Heebs.
Alaskan politotard Sarah Palin is backing away from her reference to 'blood-libel', which she used to discuss how the backlash from Gunsight-Gate is actually the fault of journalists and pundits. Because...
...she thought it was label, and not libel...
Shakespeare was dyslexic
Builders in Stratford upon Avon excavating the site near Shakespeare's home have uncovered evidence that noted playright William was a dyslexic. Under piles of rubble the found documents and discovered they were original scripts for plays with Editor...
Wonka Factory To Close After "Numerous" Violations
A multi agency squad of Immigration officers, Health and safety and anti terror officials have completed a raid of the Wonka factory following lengthy surveillance of the site and its workforce.
The factory, famed for its delicious and sometimes s...
USA to lose licence to use English language
The current 250 year licence granted to the USA to use English as its official language is due to expire at the end of January 2011. The licence was originally granted by King George III and intended as a stop-gap till the colony (as it was then) dec...
Chinese government uses political prisoners to manufacture Royal Wedding Lavatory Paper
Just imagine it...wiping the old backside with royal faces...gives new meaning to Kiss me Arse!
Always in the rush to make a fast buck, Chinese manufacturers are cashing in on the British royal wedding by rolling out bales of Royal Wedding lavator...
Scientist Stunned! Frostbite Caused by Newly Discovered Ice Ants
Washington - According to Col. Wilhelm Worste of the Army Cold Weather Research Station at Glacier Falls, New Mexico, tiny ice ants, which he refers to as tiny ice ants, survive in frozen tiny igloo like snow compounds and glaciers where they whittle...
Stephanie Seymour Defends Son's Boob-Grope: "It's OK, He's A Butt-Pirate."
Odd photos of Stephanie Seymour and her 17-year-old son Peter have surfaced, in which it appears Peter is stroking his mother's right nipple while sticking his tongue in her mouth while on vacation in St. Bart's surfaced, but Mommy says it's OK, beca...
Texas Town Succumbs to Old-Fashioned Steapl Chase
Raisin, TX-The South Texas town of Raisin has found itself in a predictable predicament culminating from the holier-than-thou atmosphere that often pervades small towns across the United States.
When you approach Raisin, a town of 2500 that sits in a dale along a two-lane highway, a gigantic weathered sign depicts an intimate close-up of a strikingly Aryan Jesus on what is arguably one of his...
Rush Limbaugh Wished Jared Lougher Wasn't White
Washington - Rush Limbaugh said he wished Jared Loughner wasn't white, because then it wouldn't be so hard for him to avoid the fact a white man used a gun in a crime.
Rush has claimed that now Americans are going to want to spend more money on e...
David Nelson - Star Of 'Ozzie and Harriet' and 'Breakfast Club' - Dead At 74.
David Nelson, a former child star who appeared in "The Adventures of Ozzie and Sharon" with his parents, has succumbed to complications from colon cancer at the age of 74. Fact Checking?
I do this all from memory. There is not a single factual ina...
Sarah Palin Proved She Could Be Like Reagan
Washington - Sarah Palin proved that she could be like Ronald Reagan and read hard words off a teleprompter.
"I worked really hard at reading, and reading big words. I finally can libel and biased. It wasn't easy, but with the American spirit, I...
Republicans Claim Guns Okay, As Long As They Aren't Loaded
Washington - Republicans claimed guns are okay, as long as they aren't loaded, because once they are loaded, watch out.
"I once knew a gun that did nothing more than sit on the shelf, minding its own business, but than a knew a gun that once it g...
Kelsey Grammer Attends La Cage Premier In Vintage Black Givenchy Couture Evening Gown.
Sideshow Bob's c-nt of a future ex wife, Camille, went on the Howard Stern show today and let the fashion cat out of the bag: Kelsey will appear at the opening of La Cage Aux Folles wearing a comely Black Givenchy Couture evening gown. Once Upon A Ti...
Trail of Blood Libel leads to Palin Mental Collapse
Sarah Palin appeared on her Facebook page again today denouncing her critics and accusing them of using "blood libel" to criticize her inflammatory statements that have contributed to the nation's breakdown in civil discourse.
"Her critics smell blood, literally..but unfortunately, so do her supporters," says psychologist Dr. Morton Salier of Newborn Medical Center in Dallas. "She would be bet...
Millions More Dead Birds Discovered in U.S.
Urging calm, Kathleen Sebelius, the Secretary of U.S Department of Health and Human Services, has issued a statement giving specific instructions to anyone who has seen dead birds around their home or business, especially if the birds were found in t...
Selena Gomez Fakes Facebook Hack
Some a--hole with far too much time on his hands stopped masturbating to youporn videos long enough to hijack Selena Gomez's Facebook page, ostensibly to teach Mark Zuckerberg a lesson!
Or at least that is what police first thought.
"Ms. Gomez...
Scarecrow, Munchkins Drown In Oz
Emerald City, Oz - The famous Scarecrow from the 'Wizard of Oz' has drowned. The brainless man of straw was observed floating down the Yellow Brick River, gulping for air, and trying to stay afloat. His battered, lifeless corpse was fished from the...
Homeless UK couple caught having "grave" sex between the graves; was it Adam and Eve?
A UK couple were sighted having "grave" sex amongst the graves of a very posh graveyard next to a very posh public school in Reigate, Surrey.
The couple pissed out of their brains stripped off their clothes and were spotted copulating between the...
In praise of the word Fuck.
Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word, "Fuck". It is one magical word:
Just by its sound, you can describe, pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, like most words in the English language, takes its name from the German word, "Friken" which means to strike.
In language, Fuck falls into many grammatical catagories. It can be used as a verb, both intr...
Sarah Palin To Journalists: Those Crosshairs Are Your Fault, Somehow
Republicanesque turboretard Sarah Palin has figured out a way out from under the weight of Gunsight-Gate, and it only took her four days to come up with it:
It's all your fault, journalists.
Via a video posted on the fansite LickLeBronsThicknes...
Alcoholic birds in Romania die after binge drinking!
Recently many birds have been dropping out of the sky all over the world, but the latest reason for birds "droppings" and dying is the most bizarre.
It appears that many Romanian birds are alcoholics and love a tipple day and night, just like many...
Craig Bellamy Boxing Academy Opens In Cardiff
It's not often that footballers successfully make a switch between their chosen sport and boxing, but that is exactly what Cardiff City and Wales striker Craig Bellamy has done, after opening his very own brand new state-of-the-art boxing academy in...
Adam Lambert Seen Skating After Taylor Lautner on Slick NYC Streets
While ABC's Robin Roberts was busy trying to show the American public exactly how bad the conditions are with the almost blizzard-like snow and ice pile-up in New York City, careful viewers caught a glimpse of Taylor Launter trying to flee from Adam...
China Manufactures 'Smart Ass' Appliances to Compete with 'Smart' Appliances
Major appliance manufacturers unveiled their "smart" appliances at the annual Consumer Electronics Show this year in Las Vegas. They claim their refrigerator can tweet you on your twitter page to let you know when your veggies in the bin are spoiling...
Trouble Flares As Tubbies Slug It Out Over Last Cheeseburger
Local kebab, pizza and burger entrepreneurial tycoon, Ali Bullo, today revealed how an unsavoury incident involving one of his burger vans in the early hours of this morning, ruined what had hitherto been an excellent evening's trading.
The van c...
'I want half' says Alex Reid
Alex Reid has sensationally spoken up in the light of the impending split from Ms Price by telling her 'I want half of everything.'
Although they have only been married 11 months Reid believes he is entitled to half the house, half the possessions...
Glenn Beck is Dusting Off His Lederhosen and Ratcheting Up His 'Hitlerspeak'
"Politicians, however, are there to protect you, and they're pushing a ban on certain symbols and words, a ban on guns, a ban on talk radio." [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 1/11/11]
In the wake of the pushback he's getting from the shooting in Tucson, Ari...
Shooting in Arizona Leaving 6 Dead, While Bombing in Afghanistan Leaving 100's Dead
6 people dead in Arizona? This story just cannot get out of the news; it's abit of an attention whore.
While the shooting in Arizona left 6 dead, the bombing of a school in Afghanistan, left about 20 times more than bodies than the Arizona shoo...
Meerkats Make Crap Pets
A leading veterinarian today urged the public - via his website - not to buy meerkats as pets, mainly because they're a massive pain in the arse in real life.
The problem arises from the popularity of TV shows such as Meerkat Manor, and ad campaig...
Upside of Australian floods is wipeout of horrible predators
Brisbane - (Biblical Proportions): Millions of deadly brown snakes, tiger snakes, red back spiders, funnel web spiders, box and Irukandji jellyfish have been destroyed in the recent deluge.
The predators are often cited as one of the biggest turn-...
Cambridge University Students invite Porn Stars and Film-makers for debate
As if there were NO important issues to be debated in this World of ours, Cambridge University has invited Porn Stars and Filmakers to debate the importance of Pornography in our society.
Life being what it is, there will probably be a number of porn stars amongst the student body as it is well known that students and teachers often moonlight in the industry.
This debate may well turn into a...
Kremlin-Style Tactics Conceal EU Excess
Secret police arrests and a campaign of terror are keeping EU spending excesses a deadly secret.
Exploding heads newspaper, the Daily Express, is gleefully exposing the European Commissions "grubby" attempts to conceal out-of-control spending.
2011 To Start All Over Again
New York, NY-- The United Nations has voted overwhelmingly to have 2011 begin all over again. The New Year started off strange, become even stranger, and then turned ultra-violent in its two weeks. No one seems to like the New Year, so it's being r...
Liverpool Need To Get Back To Basics
That's the view of one veteran reds fan, William Hanksly, of Southport. It's been a long time since Mr Hanksly has been able to celebrate things such as back to back league titles, but he now believes that with the appointment of Kop legend, Kenny Da...
Apple up in arms over European Charger legislation
A new rule has come into force this year to make all mobile (cell) phone manufacturers adopt the same charger, which will be micro-USB. This has angered Apple, who have enjoyed changing their charger with each release of their iPhone in order to ensu...
Recent Die-Offs Force Parents to Search for Alternatives to Explain Sex to Kids
Birds are dropping dead at alarming rates. Bee populations continue to dwindle across America as well. In light of these recent die offs, parents who have not yet had "the talk" with their adolescent children are finding it necessary to use another i...
Sarah "Crosshairs" Palin Has Been Told To Go To Russia And Lay Low Until This "CrosshairsGate" Controversy Dies Down
WASILLA, Alaska - The former governor of Alaska, and the mama of the third best non-professional dancer in the entire United States, Bristol "The Pistol" Palin, has been told by no less than 172 members of The Tea Baggers Party to skedaddle out of th...
Eva Longoria Gets All of Her Tattoo Reminders of Tony Parker Lasered Off - Even The One On Her (Blank)
LAS VEGAS - One of the stars of the TV prime time soap opera Desperate Housewives was in town visiting one of her four Beso Restaurants.
Beso which is Spanish for 'Kiss' has reportedly received the kiss of 'eatery death' as Longoria has filed for...
Google Cancels Perpetual Motion Project
Google is cancelling its highly successful Perpetual Motion Project, which yielded a functional machine capable of violating the laws of thermodynamics, and thus providing civilization with an unlimited power supply for all of time.
The machine,...
ATM - Phone - Seat.... Now wash your hands!
As reported in the Daily Telegraph (11th Jan 2011), Cash machines, chairs/seats, and keypads were found to be contaminated with unwanted bacteria, to a level higher than found in public toilets.
Pseudomonades, and bacillus, bacteria which are known to cause sickness, diarrhoea, and cancers, were found on tests carried out on ATMs, Door code-pads, and public transport seating, to a high and dang...
Palin's Comeback Trail Begins in Nashville Titty Flop
Nashville, TN - After spending years exercising her First Amendment rights to encourage the murder of someone who wasn't a "real American," Sarah Palin's media career has taken a turn for the worse after several real Americans were murdered by an anti-government kook.
The unflappable Palin, feverishly working on her big comeback, is working in a Nashville titty flop, the next stop after her re...
Tea Towels to Return to Royal Wedding Kitsch List
In a rapid about face, Buckingham Palace has announced it will launch an entire range of collectible tea towels to mark the monarchy saving wedding of Prince William and Catherine 'that's not Kate to you' Middleton.
Originally, commemorative souve...
Isle of Wight News - Pothole Assault Continues
Since reaching landfall in Bembridge in early winter municipal crews on the east side of the island have put up a courageous battle armed with shovels, hand packers and service vehicles but have proved no match for what has proved to be a relentless...
"Comfort Girls" Offered by SKorea to Washington, DC.
In her latest visit to Seoul, South Korea, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has negotiated for official, Senate & House approved "Comfort Girls" for Washington, DC so that congressmen and male senators can keep their minds on running the countr...
Kourtney Kardashian Unveils Her Weight-Loss Secrets
12-year old Lobotomy Channel reality star Kourtney Kardashian was keen to show off her incredibly-toned physique as recently as last Wednesday, as she looked absolutely incredible basking in the sun in Miami with her boyfriend Scott "Spotted" Dicksic...
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