Spoof news stories from Friday 22 January 2010
Jay Reatard leaves his estate to mystery 20st hooker
Memphis, Tennessee - (RIP): She's described only as the 'kiss my' tattooed-butt bitch from hell.. But the mystery 30-something big-boobed blond from Randy's Elvis Presley Boulevard Escort Agency stands to inherit $20 million.
Known variously as Ro...
Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones Admits He's Annoying
Dallas Cowboy's owner Jerry Jones has admitted he is annoying. In a statement released today through his spokesperson Donald Dam, Jerry conveyed, "I know who I am and I know I'm annoying. I built a big stadium because everything in Texas is Big. I pu...
Former FBI agent claims Bin Laden was American Agent
A former FBI agent who prefers to remain anonymous just in case he ends up dead has met our undercover reporter and made a sensational claim that Osama Bin Laden was an American Agent
who was paid by the American Government to take the blame for all...
Pygmy Orphans In The Congo: Please Don't Let Angelina Adopt Us!
Orphaned Pygmy children have hired a translator from Belgium to get the word out on the internet and elsewhere that they do not want to be adopted by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.
"We see them in the news at the big house all the time and they are...
Arsehole Shoplifter Caught Red Rubber Glove Handed
A cheeky shoplifter's ten year thieving spree came to an abrupt end recently when he was arrested after being spotted by an eagle eyed shop assistant in Harold's Department Store in London's trendy Knightsbridge.
Ava Gander, 29, an interfering cow...
Disappointed In The Old West
After watching all those 'westerns' as a kid and adult, looking up the truth about a lot of those famous scenes from the Old West, and finding out that they simply aren't true, is depressing.
For instance, jumping into the saddle from a barn loft. According to Snopes, anyone jumping into the saddle from a barn loft would not only injure the horse's back..maybe break it, the cowboy would virtual...
Mr. Hedgehog Sick and Tired of People Wiping Their Feet on His Spikes
Mr. Hedgehog has blasted all those bastards that have been wiping their mucky boots on his spikes.
The local woodland dweller often drops by to town for the odd drink or ten at The Drunken Wench on Cockswell St. Being a hedgehog - and unable to op...
Turkey captures Al Qaeda terrorists something the US normally eat on thanksgiving Day!
Al Qaeda terrorists have been rounded up by a very unusual source, Turkey.
Not only good on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas, Turkeys, especially the wild version, are pretty useful at scaring the shit out of Al Qaeda terrorists.
Anyway, the A...
All Cadbury jobs are safe, although many will go
The senior management and shareholding city suits at Cadbury's, many of whom have never worked a day in their life, have confirmed that all jobs are safe at the firm, despite the recent take-over by people wanting to make even more money than they ha...
Fusilli Family Deny Mozzarella Racketeering
Don Fredo Fusilli, capo of the famous Fusilli Mozzarella and Meatball Corporation of Sicily flatly denied today that his organization had anything to do with quantities of cow's milk being found in products purporting to be 100% pure buffalo mozzarel...
Hitler's son alive and well and living in Haiti
In a dramatic announcement from the BNP (the British Nutty People and nothing to do with any political party that may have the same acronym), spokesman Nicholas Griffin (no relation to any political party leader), revealed that Desmond Hitler, son an...
Gordon Brown to appear before 'Iraq Inquiry' wearing full Burka
Gordon Brown has agreed to appear before the Chilcot Inquiry into the invasion of Iraq provided he is allowed to wear the full Burka.
In a statement last night Mr Brown asserted " In an attempt to be unrestricted and have maximum freedom before th...
Palin's Perch Atop GOP Pedestal Secure
In preparation for Sarah Palin's upcoming speaking engagement at the first National Tea Baggers Convention, organizers and sponsors have announced that the former half-term governor and beauty pageant runner up will be addressing the crowd from atop...
Robert Pattinson And Kristen Stewart Complain To Spoof Admin
The rumour mills here at Skoob Towers cranked into overdrive today following intimations that Twilight stars Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were considering legal action against the Administrator of your favourite Spoofy news website, based on the...
Anti-Americanism Rears Its Head On Crap Brit Reality Show
In the final and without doubt worst ever series of Celebrity Big Brother, a distinct feeling of anti-Americanism has pervaded the set, as the three latest nominees up for eviction are all US citizens.
Rapper/Singer/Vertically Challenged Sisqo, ac...
UK Beer Sales Fall Flat
Figures released today by the Brewer's Federation caused alarm bells to ring in most UK and several European breweries, as beer consumption dropped to its lowest level in over 50 years.
Some brewers blamed industrial action at the Anheuser-Busch I...
Dame Ellen Macarthur Buys Portsmouth FC
A saviour, in the name of Yachtswomen Dame Ellen MacArthur has finally completed the protracted sale of Portsmouth, where it is claimed that she paid £80m for the cash strapped club.
At the press conference, she shocked fans by stating that she wa...
"I Invented The Volkswagen Passat," Claims Bono
Bono, the humanitarian and lead singer of U2, has claimed that he created the German passenger car, the Volkswagen Passat.
This was one of a number of bizarre claims made by the singer at a press conference where Peter Robinson announced that he w...
Peaches Geldof Changes Name To John
Celebrity daughter Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof has changed her name by deed poll to John.
Interviewed outside her flat in Shoreditch, Peaches claimed that the name change was due to the fact that boy's names "are,...
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth Not Engaged, Just Living Together
Miley Cyrus has sent a message to her fans that she and Liam are NOT engaged at the present, just living together.
"We need to see how things work out", she apparently told one of her fan clubs who will not share. See if we ever send YOU anything.
Biblical references on US rifles killing their enemies are to be removed, killing in the name of God is illegal!
Weapon dealers selling rifles to US forces with Bible references imprinted on gunsights are being forced to remove the inscriptions.
The US military is worried that soldiers might read them, fell sorry for their enemies, turn the other cheek, offe...
Tevez Lambasts Neville - Non-Spanish Speakers Baffled
It seems that Carlos Tevez has given former team mate Gary Neville a proper verbal roasting following his on the pitch antics Tuesday night in the Manchester derby, during which he scored both City goals in a dead spawny win. One from a penalty that...
George W. Bush gives his first lecture in his new career
Former President of the USA George W. Bush had decided to start a new career giving lectures across America, and today he gave his first one to the University of Palindrome in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
'People of Milkiewilkie', he gravely began, 'you all know me as a President. Of America. But, ladies and a gentle man, and boys and girlies, well, heck! I can do just about anything I wanna! So if so...
Britain's Top Chippy Owned And Run By A Turk!
Breaking news confirms that Britain's top chippy is owned and run by Turkish fast food mogul Ali Bullo, raising questions over the future of the nation's favourite fast food fix, and whether the much loved dish will retain its unique Britishness or f...
Loving You Is The Right Thing To Do: Sings Obama To Republican Leadership
In a startling and sometimes emotional meeting in the Rose Garden at The White House, President Barack Obama opened the meeting with the Republican leadership by singing to them the strains of Carly Simon's song, "Loving you is the right thing to do.
Arms manufacterer drops Bibilical references from gun sights
US arms manufacturer Murder Inc in Michigan today decided to stop adding Biblical references to its gun sights. Company chairman Henry Eichmann, a devout Christian, said: 'As a Christian I made sure '2 Cor 4:5' and 'JN 12:1' were inscribed on the sig...
Local Man In Big Fridge Delivery Debacle
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock once again found himself at the mercy of one of his wife's whims when he agreed to stay at home to accept delivery of an American style fridge/freezer.
At 14:00 GMT a wagon pulled up outside the house, which presumabl...
Bills R US is now Hollywood Bills
Hollywood Bills Inc.,
Hollywood Hills, Ca - A majority of celebrities in Hollywood pay out alimony, child support and numerous other nuisance nonsenses every month.
The Hollywood Bills Inc. began watching the tabloids, noting whom was divorcing whom and who was getting custody of children, dogs/cats as well as which mistress was demanding extra financial benefits to keep their sand traps sh...
Floor Sales at Browns and Nables
Browns and Nables book store is hiring - A sign outside the huge building housing the book store with a name similar to a famous book seller is in need of lots of help.
Shelving in the store in San Diego collapsed under the tremblings of a 3.2 q...
The Perfect Man is Now Available
In response to the debut of a fully functional female sex robot at the 2010 Adult Video Awards, a California robotics company announced the breakthrough development of an articulated male robot to fulfill the needs of the modern professional woman.
Chemical Ali blames the Forty Thieves
The American controlled puppet government in Iraq has sentenced a former Saddam Hussein henchman to death by hanging.
Ali Hassan Al-Majid better known as Chemical Ali who was Iraq's former defence secretary is reported to have been behind chemic...
Rising sea levels mystery solved
For years the sea levels globally have been rising and homes and villages on the east cost of England have been lost to the sea as coastal erosion advances.
On the Yorkshire coast alone, five houses worth a total £18,000 have fallen over the cli...
Woss believes Weptiles Wule
Jonathon Woss has been weading up on the believes of David Ike and thinks that his theowy that the world is wun by the Illuminati who are gween weptiles is pwobably twue.
David Ike has been lecturing all over the world for years and is managing to...
'The Mona Lisa Is Actually A Portrait Of A Man!' Outrageous claim made by Cheryl Doleful
In a shock claim that stunned many naive people into wishing they hadn't used 'The Mona Lisa' as an example of a photogenic female, art historian Mrs. Cheryl Doleful claimed today that the portrait was actually one of a man.
'La Giaconda', she sai...
British Women Seek Foreign Wankers As British Sperm Shortage Worsens
The shortage of jizz in Britain has worsened. Gordon Brown revealed today that the only big wankers left in the UK were in Parliament.
With the shortage getting worse British women seeking a bun in their oven have begun to search abroad in the hop...
Jack Straw: I Could Have Stopped Iraq Invasion....But I Had To Take My Mum To The Shops
Government Minister and professional apologist Jack Straw has admitted that he could have stopped the invasion of Iraq. "I could have stopped Tony Blair if I had opposed him at the vital cabinet meeting. However, I had to take my mum shopping. She ha...
Haiti Boy 7 Jesus 3 record beaten in Port-Au -Prince
Jesus Christ rose after being buried for three days but his record has been well beat when Monley Elize a 5 year old boy from Haiti was rescued from the rubble after being buried for seven days beating Jesus by four.
In Port-Au-Prince in Haiti a w...
Quake appeal: donate now to ease the misery of Simon Cowell's millions
London - (X-Fucter): Simon Cowell has joined the Haiti fundraiser gravytrain with an ambitious plan to raise millions via a Band Aid-style record.
The launch of a big names charity song will no doubt see the TV mogul cream off millions in consulta...
Flash Gordon speaks out against Flawed Gordon
Flash Gordon saviour of the universe has been speaking out against Flawed Gordon alias Gordon Brown planet earths worst politician ever. Flash refers to Brown as the Pratt Minister
and blames him for financially disastrous decisions during his time...
Government Fear Mongering Costs British Economy £30bn A Year
Government Fear Mongering costs the UK £30bn every year - more than twice as much as previously thought.
Propaganda evasion has risen to £15.2bn a year with waking up to reality costing £1.1bn annually.
In fact the public sector is the worst hi...
Jesus Christ Image Appears On Statue Of Jesus Christ
Thousands of worshippers in Italy have gathered to see the latest astonishing image of Jesus which has appeared at a church in Rome.
The image is clearly that of the Son of God, and was found on Friday on a statue of Christ.
One man who witness...
St Cullottes slams poverty critics
French President Knickerless St Cullottes today angrily rejected claims he was not doing enough for poverty in France. ''I have done more to increase poverty than any other president'' he claimed after distributing a fact dossier to assembled journal...
Air France To Charge Fat Passengers For Two Seats - Anorexics Fly For Half-Price
PARIS - Air France has issued a directive instructing all of their ticket agents to charge obese passengers for two seats.
When asked what constitutes being 'obese' a representative for Air France replied that they have been instructed to look fo...
Finally John Edwards Admits That He Is Quinn's Father - He Also Admits That Volcano Lava Is Hot!
CHARLOTTE, North Carolina - Senator John Edwards speaking before a bi-partisan crowd at the opening of a local Farmer Farley Finger-Suckin' Fine Fried Chicken Diner was asked for the 826,419th time if he had fathered a child with one of his campaign...
Even More Thai Daily News 22.1.10
You can't keep a good news story down, and, even though the following aren't exactly what you would call 'good news stories', they aren't exactly shite either, and so here they are, for your perusal:
CONCERNS OVER MUSLIM UPRISING
There were 'gr...
Shaking Stevens is cured!
Pop star Shaking Stevens has finally been cured of his shakieness.
"I'm no longer Shakey" he said to an adoring throng of mongoloids who gathered outside This Ole House yesterday, singing songs, hugging and drooling all over the shop.
Stevens,...
Have a Hard One on Me
If you need something to stimulate your sexual drive you will no longer have to rely on the little blue pill that sounds like Vagina.
Soft drink companies have gotten the go ahead from the FDA to promote a product under the line of "Hard Drink".
The contents of the Hard Drink have minute amounts of the original sex stimulate and will "make a males member monstrous in minutes".
The hype...
Controversial Study Finds Jews Did Not Kill Jesus, Crucifixion Did
There are approximately 38,000 denominations of Christianity in existence today, making it the most widely practiced religion in the world with over 2.1 billion adherents. And although each sect agrees on the fundamental assumption that Jesus Christ...
John Edwards Finally Tells Public Baby Is His
After all the gossip and possible bribes and his friend, Andrew Young falling on his own penis saying the baby was his, Senator John Edwards has admitted that he fathered a baby with mistress, Rielle Hunter.
How does John's wife, Elizabeth, feel a...
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