Spoof news stories from Sunday 3 May 2009
Loose Woman Lets Rip
It has been revealed that Loose Women star Denise Welch was accused of conduct unbecoming following a recent night out unaccompanied by hubby Tim Healy, who starred as Dennis in Auf Wiedersehen Pet and played a racist folk singer in Peter Kay's Phoen...
Gordon Brown to be cryogenically frozen
Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, is to be cryogenically frozen in 3 days time.
The announcement which was made today by a Downing Street spokesman, confirmed that the process would be completed by an expert in the field.
Madonna attempting to adopt Ricky Hatton
Madonna, the adoption crazy pop star, has launched a legal effort to adopt boxer Ricky Hatton.
In launching the case, Madonna's legal representative described how she had been shocked that a young man would be encouraged to fight someone clearly s...
Ricky Gervais KO'd In Two
Tubby funnyman Ricky Gervais was last night knocked flat on his fat arse by Filipino boxer Manny 'Yellow' Pacman in front of 1,000,000 disappointed Reading fans.
Gervais, 10 time BAFTA winner and 20 time Golden Globe winner was simply outclassed b...
Manchester City attempting to buy Manny Pacquiao
Manchester City, desperate to purchase sporting superstars with the money of their owner, the oil tycoon Sheikh Mansour Bin Zayed Al Nahyan, has made a number of enquiries about signing boxer Manny Pacquiao.
It is unknown at this time whether Pacq...
American sports are real sports, claims an American
An American today claimed that American sports are 'real sports', and not the girls' games that the other 98% of the planet believe they are, according to one American football player.
'Real men wear helmets', Adolph O'Himmstler, said, whilst turn...
Film version of "Last of the Summer Wine" to be made
The BBC films division has announced that it will commence shooting of a feature length version of their hit comedy "Last of the Summer Wine".
The film, which will be set in Yorkshire and feature all of the favourite characters from the show, howe...
"Darth Jackson" to support Michael Jackson at the O2
One of the three possible support acts has been announced for the comeback shows by Michael Jackson. Jackson, 50, announced his 50 date residency at the O2 arena last month and since then rumours have been circulating about who will be the support ac...
OPEC declare June "Free Oil Month"
OPEC, the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries announced today that they will give all oil produced in the month of June away for free.
It is believed that the announcement follows an increasing level of concern within the oil industr...
Slumdog Star Was Not For Sale!
Slumdog Millionaire star Rubina Ali, all of nine years old or an "Old Maid" in Saudi Arabia, was not recently "put up for sale" to the highest bidder her father, Rafiq Qureshi, has restated in a new interview.
Recently a group of newspaper reporte...
Amy Winehouse recovering from collapse following Manny Pacquiao fight
Amy Winehouse is making a good recovery following her collapse in St Lucia, having been the recipient of a devastating Manny Pacquiao punch.
The singer who made it through to the third round against the Filipino boxer had landed some good punches,...
Prince Harry accuses the media of confusing report!
Prince Harry, third in line to the throne has hit out at the media for circulating a rumour that he has not washed his hair for over two years. The remark was made in a pub in Sleaford near to RAF Barkston Heath, where he has been undergoing element...
Gordon Brown suffers Youtube disaster
UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown has suffered another embarrassing setback today YouTube backfired horribly.
Brown has been using the website as a way to get his message to the people, having become increasingly reclusive, given the intense lack of...
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders And George Clinton To Re-Release 1976 Hit
Hot news from Dallas this evening is that the Cowboys cheerleaders are to release a new CD with the legendary P-Funk artist George Clinton of Parliament Funkadelic fame. The song to be recorded is the old 1976 monster success, Tear The Roof Off The S...
Another Flying Saucer Crashes In Roswell, New Mexico
DATELINE:ROSWELL-- Another UFO crashed into the desert, about 20 miles outside town today. It was the tenth crash this year and the 3,000 since 1947. There were no survivors and the three occupants were flown directly to Area 51 in Nevada. Roswel...
Ricky Hatton announces retirement to move into politics
Ricky Hatton has announced his retirement from the world of boxing following his Las Vegas defect by Manny Pacquiao.
In a full and frank interview, Hatton described how his training had been limited because of his concerns around the state of the...
Dick Cheney: Enough Already With Obama
First it was the Hugo Chavez handshake weakening the security of the nation, now former Vice President Dick Cheney says it's President Obama's plaid tie. Cheney insists Obama is moving the country in the wrong direction by wearing the tie at a formal...
Hatton blames Narcolepsy for loss to Manny Pacquiao
Embarrassed Boxer Ricky Hatton has turned to a desperate excuse following his Las Vegas loss to Manny Pacquiao.
The Mancunian known as the "Hitman" described how he has recent problems with the chronic sleep disorder narcolepsy, which caused him t...
Satan Reneges Deal With Larry The Cable Guy
It comes as no surprise to anyone with a sense of humor that Larry the Cable Guy's success has stemmed from making a deal with Lucifer, but an interesting development has surfaced regarding the pact the two have made: Satan claims his contract with L...
Porn Star Gone Missing After Falling Into Plot Hole
Authorities and friends of the Adult Entertainment industry have concluded another disappointing day of searching for missing porn star Veronica Vivacious after she fell into a plot hole nearly 4 days ago.
"It feels as though we have exhaust...
Cheney's Blood Eats Through Space Station
Space, Final Frontier--- Former Vice President Dick Cheney visited the International Space Station yesterday with horrific results.
While floating from the Pirs Docking Compartment and into the Integrated Struss Structure, Cheney made a sharp...
'Canada's Got Talent' - Farmer Gives Pigs Swine Flu
CALGARY (CP) - A contestant of a talent show, 'Canada's Got Talent', has made it to the second round by successfully giving his pigs the Swine Flu. Mr. Burt Gracious, a pig farmer in Alberta, thought up his novelty act whilst on vacation in Puerto Va...
Prince Harry Plans To Conquer The World By 2012
Prince Harry is already well on his way to conquering the entire world by 2012. The young prince expects to sit on the British throne by July and to conquer most of Europe by the end of the year. He will then use his new European Empire to capture...
Peter, Paul & Mary Deny "Puff The Magic Dragon " Was About Dope
Pete Seeger turned 90 Sunday and he's still performing classics and songs he's personally made into classics. In fact his playing and singing were topnotch Sunday at his birthday bash in Madison Square Garden, alongside Bruce Springstein, Dave Matthe...
Michelle Obama Appears to Co-ed at The Notre Dame Grotto
Notre Dame, Ind.- Some are calling it the miracle of Notre Dame. others, including the Holy See-which is justly skeptical of such things-are more reserved.
Michele Obama has reportedly made three appearances before a peasant girl at the Grotto at...
29 Stone Munter Feeds Kids Junk Food And Wine
29 stone (406lbs) mum of three Uncleanne Salty today made a defiant stance against critics who insisted that the 24 year old porker feeding her toddler triplets Jock Donald's meals, fish and chips, and pasta washed down with wine was a severe case of...
Angelina Jolie's Juicy Workout DVD
LOS ANGELES - Brad Pitt's significant other, Angelina Jolie has just joined the long list of celebrities who have put out workout DVD's.
Jolie is in good company with well known individuals like Britney Spears, Jane Fonda, Kathy Nijimy, Elton John...
Birmingham City Chairman Gold Speaks Out
Birmingham City were promoted back to the Premier League this afternoon after their 2-1 victory at Reading, with their chairman David Gold telling fans that, not only was he the chairman, but also the club's biggest fan.
Well, not really their big...
Three swine 'flu victims - who are still alive - claim bias towards heart disease victims
Three British swine 'flu victims today claimed that the 300,000 Britons who died of heart disease last year got more coverage than them in the press.
'It's terrible', said Mr. Mal Ingerer, from his golf course in Sussex, 'why should those heart pe...
Gary Glitter Tracked Down By Tabloids
Disgraced former glam-rocker turned convicted paedophile, Gary Glitter has been tracked down to a London hideaway by a tabloid newspaper.
Glitter, who will be 113 next week has reportedly taken to disguising himself in the manner of perfectly resp...
Hatton Flattened
Disappointment for Ricky 'The Hit Man' Hatton here in Vegas in the early hours as he was flattened, steamrollered, battered into oblivion and knocked clean out by Manny Pacquiao at the MGM Grand Hotel.
Self styled 'Hit Man' and avid Manchester Cit...
World War Three (Pigs) Starts
The Swine Flu crisis took a new turn in Egypt this morning when pig farmers trying to stop the authorities there from organising a massive pig cull, fought with police, and World War III broke out.
Hundreds of people at the Manshiyat Nasr slum thr...
Media Panic "to return in autumn"
Whilst distraught hacks looked on, a spokesperson for All Media today announced that "the grotesque and disproportionate panic about Swine Flu which so many of us have worked so hard to generate in the last two weeks has now receded. But we are confi...
Ratzinger will officiate at funeral of his only lawfully wedded wife
London - (Third Reich Ass Mess): Pope Joe Ratzinger has been asked to officiate at the long-awaited funeral of his only lawfully-wedded spouse, Queen Elizabeth II, at Scotland's Ballybollox Castle next year.
An official government reply under the...
Arshavin Fined 2 Week's Wages By Arsenal
Portsmouth 0 Arsenal 3 - Dissatisfied with the result, Arsene Wenger today announced that Russian striker Andrey Arshavin is to be fined two week's wages for suggesting to referee Lee Mason that a challenge by Pompey midfielder Sean Davis did not war...
TV Pitchman Shocked by Child Labor Scandal!
WEST PALM BEACH, FL - A TV pitchman has suddenly found himself witnessing a media firestorm.
The Swivel Sweeping 3000, endorsed by co-star A. "Andy" Sullivan of a popular new Discovery's Channel series, was cited by Ima Lourde in a product testimo...
Pacman Gobbles-Up Hitman!
It was the clash of two game characters in Las Vegas last night, as Manny 'Pacman' Pacquiao and Manchester's own Ricky 'Hitman' Hatton battled it out for the world light-welterweight boxing title, and, in the end, it was Pacman who gobbled-up his bat...
Swine Flu Is Really Wine Flu
Berlin, Germany. Swine flu is actually wine flu, an investigation shows.
Some incidents of what was thought to be a suspicious disease were being investigated by a German research institute. The institute made a statement: "This iss wine flu!"...
Labor Day Gives Brilliant Solution
London, UK. Labor Day protesters came up with brilliant solutions this year.
The slogans were many, and amongst them were:
* "More Protest Days Give Progress!"
* "Protests Are What Brings the World Forward!"
* "Slogans Bring Progress to the...
Swine Flu Epidemic Traced to Fabled Chupacabra
MEXICO CITY - With the eyes of the world fixed on Mexico in light of the recent swine flu outbreak, experts have managed to trace the sometimes deadly virus back to the chupacabra.
Once considered a beast of folklore or an urban legend of sorts, t...
Hatton Almost Wins In Las Vegas!
Ricky Hatton did himself and his vast army of travelling fans proud here in Las Vegas in the early hours, when the Manchester-based boxer came to within a hairs-breadth of beating Manny Pacquiao in their light-welterweight championship bout at the MG...
Shoot The Bird Wins The Kentucky Derby
LOUISVILLE - The 135th running of The Kentucky Derby was won by a relatively unknown gelding horse from Gallup, New Mexico, named Shoot The Bird.
The odds on Shoot The Bird winning the Kentucky Derby were 500 to 1.
Winning jockey Calbert Bordel...
Government minister: "I've just realised we're a bit shit, really"
Hazel Bleuughs, minister for patronising and talking down to the masses launched a savage attack on PM Gordon Brown this weekend for being, "useless, out of touch and just utterly rubbish, frankly". However, she later backed down saying that this was...
Peppa Pig slaughtered in latest swine flu measures
Children's cartoon character Peppa Pig and her entire family (Mummy Pig, Daddy Pig and brother George) have been slaughtered in the latest attempts by the UK government to prevent swine flu spreading.
In a statement to the Commons, Gordon Brown sa...
Kirstie Alley Fat Yet Again - From Eye-Candy to John Candy in two years!
The lovely Kirstie Alley has piled on the pounds and kilos and had to be crane lifted into the studio to chat to her pal Oprah. Ms Alley warned Oprah about the sins of over-eating. Which is a bit like Oliver Reed warning Richard Burton and George Bes...
Jews And Muslims Make Peace - "We were right about them pigs" They Agree
Despite it already being too late to save mankind for the "12 Monkeys" type virus that will wipe out man, apart from Bruce Willis, Jews and Muslims are throwing their skull caps and turbans into the air and chanting a big "We Told You So" to the rest...
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