Funny story:  Alan Shearer To Make Newcastle United Comeback

Alan Shearer To Make Newcastle United Comeback

Alan Shearer, the record Newcastle United goalscorer, and the city's favourite son, is to leave the comfort of the Match of the Day sofa, and make a comeback for his beloved Magpies. Shearer, retired from football since 2006, will line up as centr...
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Funny story:  Lahore Police Academy Recaptured Due To Perfectly Timed Operation

Lahore Police Academy Recaptured Due To Perfectly Timed Operation

Pakistani security forces who recaptured a police academy after eight hours of clashes with gunmen responsible for seizing the complex during a morning drill, say that the rescue operation was a success due to its perfect timing. The siege at the...
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Funny story:  Sir Fred Goodwin meets his match!

Sir Fred Goodwin meets his match!

Sir Fred Goodwin, former head of the Royal Bank of Scotland has had several windows broken at his Edinburgh home as well as the windows of his beloved sports car smashed by vandals. Sir Fred decided to rectify the situation and spend some of his pens...
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Funny story:  Barack Obama To Attend Jade Goody Funeral

Barack Obama To Attend Jade Goody Funeral

US President Barack Obama arrived here in London today ahead of the G20 Summit, and surprised Prime Minister Gordon Brown by notifying him of his intention to attend the funeral of Jade Goody on Friday. Goody died after a battle with cervical canc...
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Funny story:  Kentucky Pole-Locks

Kentucky Pole-Locks

The city of Bardstown, Kentucky is an old town and was the "Westward Outreach" during the country's early years and received many guest by horseback or stagecoach. The Talbot Inn there hosted many of our early forefathers and even French aristocra...
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Funny story:  Obama in London Accomodation Drama

Obama in London Accomodation Drama

President Obama and his wife Michelle tonight flew into a storm on the eve of their historic visit to the UK. As Marine One landed in Regents Park it soon became apparent that no one was in at the ambassadors Residence at Winfield House! A Poli...
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Funny story:  Requiem for the Dollar planned for G20

Requiem for the Dollar planned for G20

BUCKINGHAM PALACE, England - The Queen sent me an email with some stunning news today. The story follows. I'm keeping some of the intimate details secret. After spending several hours in the Queen's boudoir, President Obama has traded in his Ame...
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Funny story:  Can I Do It Until I Lose One Eye?

Can I Do It Until I Lose One Eye?

The University of Trousersnake Creek 's Eye, Nose and Ear Institute has lent scientific validity to the concept that intense sexual activity, such as masturbating 3-4 times a day, can cause blindness - at least temporarily. Dr. Donald Lincoln repo...
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Funny story:  War breaks out in ISS over toilets

War breaks out in ISS over toilets

Unbeknown to many, the cold war continues in The International Space Station. The original vision of the ISS was one of a place where astronauts would share food and facilities, with other 'nauts' in heavenly bliss. Alas, the Russians and Americans...
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Funny story:  Free Food Crawling Around Out There.

Free Food Crawling Around Out There.

The new Smokey Mountain Nature Center in Blount County, Tennessee held a seminar last weekend on the use of insects in food. Briana Vere Der Hooke, a counselor at the nature center, said that over 75 percent of the world's population eats insects.
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Funny story:  Licence fee reminder letters 'not harsh enough'

Licence fee reminder letters 'not harsh enough'

The BBC isn't harsh enough in its language in licence fee reminder letters, its governing body TASS said today. Chairman of TASS, Sir Joseph Steelman, said: 'Previous letters have used tame phrases such as 'pay up now, you snivelling little bastar...
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Funny story:  Angelina Jolie Nude In Playguy Magazine

Angelina Jolie Nude In Playguy Magazine

HOLLYWOOD - Playguy Magazine is thrilled to announce that Angelina Jolie has finally agreed to appear in a nude layout in the number one men's magazine in America. The 33-year-old beauty agreed to appear in the Playguy spread for a reported $4 mil...
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Funny story:  Owen recalled by Capello

Owen recalled by Capello

Michael Owen has been called again by Fabio Capello. Unfortunately it was only to tell him that he should consider retiring from International football. Owen told a close friend, who thus in turn told me which effectively proved the lack of closen...
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Funny story:  Fat Frank stops eating to talk.

Fat Frank stops eating to talk.

Fat Frank or Lumpy Lampard, decided to stop eating yesterday. But only to ask for more food. "Give me some hamburgers and chips and pepperoni pizza with a side of steak." Quite possibly the most overrated football in the history of the game, Frank...
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Funny story:  Prettypoly pill could become a reality for politicians

Prettypoly pill could become a reality for politicians

Research in India has suggested that a cheap five-in-one pill for politicians could become a reality soon. Taking the pill will reduce the risk of an MP fiddling his or her expenses, cut down the chances of claiming for more than two homes, and make...
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Funny story:  Old Trafford Baby To Make Net Bulge

Old Trafford Baby To Make Net Bulge

Manchester United have confirmed reports that Sir Alex Ferguson is to have another baby. An official spokesperson revealed "Yes, it's true. He is expecting another son. He will call him Wayne." Sir Alex has been fathering children for many years.
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Funny story:  Jade Goody launches own compost

Jade Goody launches own compost

Big Brother celebrity Jade Goody has launched her own brand of compost from beyond the grave. Publicist and bestest friend Max Cash announced the news upon noticing that his income had deteriorated considerably since Goody's death. The product, to...
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Funny story:  Japan To Invade North Korea

Japan To Invade North Korea

TOKYO - Japanese Emperor Sashi Kajifuma has told his countrymen that he is sick and tired of all of this sophomoric rhetoric coming out of North Korea about their firing off of a rocket. He reminded everyone that several years ago the North Korean...
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Funny story:  GENTS at Picadilly Circus to Close

GENTS at Picadilly Circus to Close

LONDON - Located in Westminister's Travelcard Zone 1, the historic landmark, GENTS at the Picadilly Underground Station will close June 1, 2009. Reg Fleming, Station Manager, London Underground said, "rising paper costs, bog brush shortages and t...
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Funny story:  Polly Toynbee Accidentally Unites the Nation against Jacqui Smith

Polly Toynbee Accidentally Unites the Nation against Jacqui Smith

An article in the Guardian has prompted a huge response from readers. By five o'clock today at least 730 people sent responses about an article by Polly Toynbee, which claimed that Jacqui Smith was the victim of a new wave of Puritanism. Having...
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Funny story:  "Grow A Cabbage For Jade"

"Grow A Cabbage For Jade"

Free in today's Scum newspaper is your chance to grow a cabbage to remember Jade Goody. The Scum wants all to remember how she touched the nation. Without her we just don't know what to do, other than try to make as much money as possible out of her...
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Funny story:  PE Porno Teacher Has Bad Head

PE Porno Teacher Has Bad Head

A Headmaster has suspended a PE teacher following her posing for 'lewd' pictures on the internet. John Cole of Nova Mews Secondary said "I was looking at my usual websites. When Pam goes out I like to spend my Saturday yanking off to porn. But there...
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Funny story:  The Association of Irish Gangsters Historical Enactment Society Puts on "A Spectacular"

The Association of Irish Gangsters Historical Enactment Society Puts on "A Spectacular"

The "Taighes" based in Belfast, last night put on a stunning re-enactment of "The Troubles". This award winning spinoff from the longest running soap opera of the same name "burst" onto our screens with a special prime time slot usually reserved f...
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Funny story:  Police use alcohol spray in Commons

Police use alcohol spray in Commons

Police used alcohol spray and arrested a man in the House of Commons, after a CS gas-fuelled fight broke out between two men. Conservative Party chairman Sir Egg Pickled had been lightheartedly lecturing around 40 guests in the Shadow cabinet room...
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Funny story:  April 1st Conficker Catastrophe Concern

April 1st Conficker Catastrophe Concern

Details are emerging of how the Conficker.c worm could act on April 1st. It has been known for some time that the worm, which is believed to have infected up to 10 million computers, has a major change of operating mode due to take place on April 1s...
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Funny story:  Abraham Lincoln Spotted in Convenience Store

Abraham Lincoln Spotted in Convenience Store

At 4:54 PM, Abraham Lincoln walked into Roger's Convenience and bought a Mars bar and a lighter with basketballs on it. So says Maurice Sugarbloom, part-time cashier of Roger's Convenience. "He had a beard, a big black hat, and he was tall.
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Funny story:  Home Wanted For Fading Pop Star

Home Wanted For Fading Pop Star

Pop star, slightly faded, two previous owners, needs new home. Has own underwear and make-up, will only sing when you are out of the house. Can dance, but please do not allow to try and act. Or sing. No children, but will accept yours as her own, as long as they're not normal American ones that make for no publicity. Has all own teeth and hair, will help housewife when husband isn't about, t...
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Funny story:  Clinton Withdraws Funding For Colombian School

Clinton Withdraws Funding For Colombian School

Barranquilla - In breaking news former President Bill Clintons foundation has withdrawn its grant to the school started by pop superstar Shakira. The staff at the school Pies Descalzos College in Barranquilla, whose aim is to help underprivileged...
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Funny story:  'So long, suckers!', says British commander to Americans in Iraq

'So long, suckers!', says British commander to Americans in Iraq

4.000 British soldiers began leaving Iraq today, and their commanding officer, Major General Andrew Salmon-Gaffe, said: 'The whole world knows why Americans and British have been here. Iraq is an invented fake country, invented in London, and the wor...
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Funny story:  "But You Can Leave Your Socks On"

"But You Can Leave Your Socks On"

Things got a little crazy in St. Petersburg city's public works department in January. One of the city's safety coordinators allegedly stripped down to his socks and walked into a pretty co-worker's office. Right before that he had brandished a sign...
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Funny story:  Barack Obama goes sightseeing in London

Barack Obama goes sightseeing in London

US President Barack Obama today went sightseeing in London. As he arrived at the Tower of London, he said: 'This is clearly a building of age and firmity, a building we must not - and must never - lose sight of', and at Tower Bridge he added: 'Thi...
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Funny story:  Michelle Obama Vomits All Over The Queen

Michelle Obama Vomits All Over The Queen

DATELINE:LONDON-- Michelle Obama visited England for the first time with her husband last week. Michelle was fortunate to be granted a private audience with Her Royal Highness. Barack was too busy meeting with that new rap group--the GeeTwentee.
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Funny story:  Colombian Incest Scandal New Details Revealed

Colombian Incest Scandal New Details Revealed

Bogota - In a scandalous development, the 59 year old Colombian farmer accused of fathering 8 children with his daughter, denies that he is the biological father. But now says he will reveal the real father, an official familiar with the case said Su...
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Funny story:  Jacqui Smith Husband 'Seeing' Another Woman

Jacqui Smith Husband 'Seeing' Another Woman

The crisis surrounding the disgraced Home Secretary Jacqui Smith escalated to a new level this morning, amid revelations that her husband, Richard Timney, is seeing another woman. Timney, who attempted to claim for the rental charge of two porn fi...
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Funny story:  Spoof reporter injured as Police use CS spray in the Houses of Parliament

Spoof reporter injured as Police use CS spray in the Houses of Parliament

The scuffle involved two guests at a Commons party hosted by Conservative chairman Eric Pickles on Monday night. The pair, whom Tory sources identified as journalists from the Sun and Daily Star, left the event but continued arguing about breasts in...
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Funny story:  Massive growth of Internet Marketers

Massive growth of Internet Marketers

The number of people calling themselves 'Internet Marketers' now exceeds the total population of the world. According to the social networking site Twitter, over 7 billion of their visitors now claim to be involved in marketing via the internet, e...
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Funny story:  Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Women

Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Women

- Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you've had in the past. - Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. - A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. - You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. - A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. - When you are done with a Chri...
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Funny story:  Bankers Told To Adopt 'Family Values' By PM

Bankers Told To Adopt 'Family Values' By PM

Bankers should adopt "family values" in the way they work, according to Gordon Brown. In a speech to faith and charity leaders at St Paul's Cathedral, the PM said that he expected bankers to behave wth the highest moral standards, and cited Home S...
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Funny story:  Madonna - No More Adopted Kids

Madonna - No More Adopted Kids

Madonna has put the turbulent history of adopting children behind her and returned David Banda to Mali, much to the annoyance of his Father three thousand miles away in Malawi. "I will no longer be adopting children" she told a mass of reporters o...
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Funny story:  Grand National cancelled by PM

Grand National cancelled by PM

Horseracing's biggest event, the Grand National, has been cancelled by the Government. The race, due to be run on Saturday, was sensationally banned by the Prime Minister after he discovered that Aintree was near Liverpool. Speaking today, the Pri...
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Funny story:  Stephen Hawking in tax evasion scandal

Stephen Hawking in tax evasion scandal

The Inland Revenue have confirmed that they are investigating alleged tax irregularities by Professor Stephen Hawking. We can reveal that the investigations centre around tax relief claims for shoe leather, believed to go back over twenty years.
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Funny story:  Roo Baby in Bidding War

Roo Baby in Bidding War

A bidding war has broken out between the celebrity magazines over the first photographs of Wayne Rooney and wife Coleen's rumoured new baby. The wife of the England and Manchester United star is said to be three months' pregnant. But neither of th...
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Funny story:  Obama's plan for world dominaton

Obama's plan for world dominaton

President Obama admitted that Afghanistan was only the first step of his plan to rule the world. Speaking today, the US President said, "Afghanistan is only the start. I am working alphabetically, and expect Bolivia, Columbia, and Denmark to be my...
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Funny story:  Pakistan awarded World Heritage country

Pakistan awarded World Heritage country

United Nation (NY) On 31st March, the United Nation has selected Pakistan as the world first World Heritage Nation. In a glowing ceremony held at United Nation Head Quater in New York, the UNO chief Osama Bin Laden has conferred this award to Pakista...
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Funny story:  Jade Goody to Contest for Miss Dead Great Britain

Jade Goody to Contest for Miss Dead Great Britain

Beauty contest lovers across John Bull's Island have anxiously anticipated the arrival of the media extravaganza and fashion obituary, the Miss Dead Great Britain Beauty Pageant and Cremation Ceremony. Dead and almost dead and not dead yet corpse...
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Funny story:  Picasso's Guernica Becomes Michelle Obama's Latest Fashion Gown

Picasso's Guernica Becomes Michelle Obama's Latest Fashion Gown

Picasso's anti war tour de force , the masterpiece, Guernica has tormented tyrants and ridiculed war mongers the world over. Bush's House Negro, Colin Powell was so ashamed of his call to unnecessary arms in Iraq at the UN that he sent the tapestry v...
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Funny story:  Polly Toynbee Shows Her Crack-err

Polly Toynbee Shows Her Crack-err

When Arthur Toynbee took time out from writing the definitive history of world civilisation to fertilize the egg that would yield pretty little Polly, little did he suspect that said Polly would show her crack to the very same global village. Polly w...
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Funny story:  UrineUSSpaceStationOw

UrineUSSpaceStationOw

Just when astronauts thought that space was the new Woodstock and that they left behind the petty differences and violent conflicts of sad old planet, Earth, toilet turmoil broke out on the Space Station. Apparently it all began with the institution...
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Funny story:  Greenodd residents arrive back in Britain

Greenodd residents arrive back in Britain

Following a harrowing seven days captivity under Somali pirates' control, the residents of Greenodd have arrived back in Britain. The freed hostages were greeted at the airport by a bevy of airline officials, junior Police officers and the recent...
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Funny story:  Surrender Dorothy! Hillary Clinton's vicious vendetta against a young Kansas girl and her dog

Surrender Dorothy! Hillary Clinton's vicious vendetta against a young Kansas girl and her dog

Eureka, Kansas - A young girl named Dorothy trembles with fear every time she leaves the relative safety of her farm home not far from here. Hers is no normal agoraphobia, but the uneasy feeling that she is being stalked by one of the most influentia...
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Funny story:  Murakami "Oval Budha" Out Of Orbit

Murakami "Oval Budha" Out Of Orbit

Art Press Feed - Artist Takashi Murakami, has signed a contract with the MOMA in NY to have the Oval Buddha installed on the Moon. Recession gloom sets down on the art world as ostentatious objects are hidden from public view. In an effort to q...
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