The Spoof : 17 Mar 2009 spoof news stories

Jade Dead: to the world

On what many are banking on being her last night on this mortal coil, it has been reported that Jade Goody is "sleeping the sleep of the un-dead". In an undignified yet typical scene of domestic violence earlier this evening, sources close to Jade...

Jade Goody News: Horror Continues

The full horror of the Jade Goody situation unfolded tonight in my living room, when, as I was watching television, I saw an advertisement promoting pictures of the ex-Big Brother housemate, her two sons, Bobby and Freddie, and her criminal husband J...

Hull City To Concentrate On Premier League

Hull City manager Phil Brown has said that his team will be able to concentrate that much harder on their Premier League survival, after they were dumped out of the FA Cup by Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium tonight. Hull led for most of the 6th ro...

Darling blames "Minkys"

The Chancellor today announced that he put the fall of the UK economy down categorically to "Minkys" that had probably entered the country illegally. "Minkys," explained Mr. Darling, "are everywhere." The Prime Minister even thought he'd spotte...

Easter Cutbacks Planned

Standing amidst a field of tulips and lilies, Peter Cottontail made an unprecedented public appearance today to announce yet another disheartening round of bad news for the ailing economy. Rising prices for sugar and spice and all things nice have se...

The Westminster Dog Show Add Fisbee Catch, Yummy Tasting, Other Talents To Show

The Westminster Kennel Club announced that this year's dog show will require all contestants to either taste test some nutritional dog yummys and choose their favorites or participate in a Frisbee catch competition as part of a newly created talent p...

Peston warns of 'celebrity crunch'

Robert Peston has predicted a major meltdown in the world's celebrity system. The BBC's business editor made his grim forecast on his blog yesterday, and again this morning on Radio 4's 'Today' programme, which overran by twenty-three minutes when P...

Alaskan Pensioner sues Alistair Darling for copyright theft

London-PM - An Alaskan pensioner is suing the Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling for copyright theft, it has been revealed. The pensioner,believed to be in his 80's filed the lawsuit last Thursday and is being represented by prestigious...

Miley Cyrus Bad For Your Health

Sweet Tooth and Snackers need to beware! There's been a safety recall of Disney Hanna Montana Peanut Chocolate Granola Bars With Extra Peanuts and Salmonella due to possible salmonella contamination. While only a few are allergic to peanuts, most...

Meghan McCain Defeats Ann Coulter, Now Takes On Laura Ingraham

CLEVELAND - Senator John and Cindy McCain's daughter Meghan McCain, 24, fresh from her triumphant thrashing of the conservative princess Ann Coulter, 47, has now turned her sights on the conservative diva Laura Ingraham, 44. Ingraham who lists her...

Up The Ladder To The Roof - Supremes Song Saves Family

Detroit man Freezer 101 found himself in a bit of a quandary in the early hours of this morning when his smoke alarm went off, possibly due to his apartment being filled with acrid smoke from a fire in the apartment below. "Yeah man, I was scared,...

England Cricket Team Admit: We're Not Very Good

The England cricket team have admitted that they are not very good. In fact England coach Handy Plant said "They have played shit all winter. We got the Australians here in the summer. It is going to be really embarrassing." The future of English...

Jade's Cancer Diary

Monday Dear Diary Uncle Max came round today to tell me how well things were going. He thinks that I will be the nation's number 1 celebrity. He then bagged up a load of cash and then left. Tuesday Dear Diary Had a terrible dream. I dreamt that I was surrounded by lots of vultures who were all feeding off me. When I woke up a journalist from the Sun was just leaving after givin...

'Isn't She Lovely' Brown Tells Obama

We're hearing that British PM Gordon Brown, on being introduced to US First Lady Michelle Obama, seated himself at a Moog synthesizer and burst into song. "Isn't she lovely," he crooned. "Isn't she wonderful. Isn't she pretty, and less than fifty...

New UK teen phone to be released

Sony Ericsson has today announced that it has struck a deal with a supermarket giant, to be the sole provider of its brand new FANII phone. The new Fanii (pronounced fanny), is 'designed to be everything a teenager wants in a phone', according to...

Sky to launch new celebrity TV channel

Sky TV has announced the launch of a brand new channel which according to the media giant will 'revolutionise the way we see celebrity culture'. The new channel, called D list,launching in late April,will be available on channel 666 and will be pr...

Sir Alan Sugar: Money Better Than Sex

Sit Alan Sugar has told how he prefers money to sex. "These days when I put my hands in my pocket the only thing I feel is small change. My knob's so small and shrivelled I just can't get a good grip on it anymore." Sir Alan has been a successful...

"Reach Out - I'll Be There" Obama Vows

US President Barack Obama today sent a resoundingly strong message of support to beleaguered UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The President delivered his address with an unprecedented dance routine, as he told Brown: "Now if you feel that you ca...

George W. Bush Completely Broke

Former President George W. Bush has reportedly fallen of hard times, in spite of drawing an annual pension of almost $200k he appears to be in financial ruin. In the fifty days since losing his job, Bush has blown through his entire fortune, leaving...

Twenty Amazing But Little-Known Facts That Will Stun Your Friends

1. Willie Watson, on April 13th, 1864, became the first person to fly across the Mississippi River after a freak cannonball incident that stunned both the Union & Confederate Armies that day. 2. Some rhesus monkeys can have sex up to ten times a day if the female of the species is wearing fishnet stockings. 3. Passing gas while standing at the top of Mount Everest can break both ass chee...

No contraception and donations to Rome by the starving helps Africans, Pope says

Pope Benedict, on his first visit to Africa, today claimed that no contraception and people that can hardly afford to eat sending their money to the Vatican is helpful to the African people. 'It's helpful', he said in Cameroon. 'OK, it isn't, but...

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen Honeymooning In Brazil

HORIZONTINA, Brazil - Newlyweds Tom Brady, 31, and Gisele Bundchen, 28, are honeymooning in her hometown of Horizontina, Brazil, a town which derives its name from the Horizon and Tina Turner. Three time super bowl champ Brady told a reporter for...

WTF Obama? as ManU striker Wayne Rooney appointed Irish envoy

Washington AC/DC - (Blarney Stone Offside Mess): Man United striker Wayne Roonesy has been named by President Barack O'Bama as the next US ambassador to Ireland. The move follows weeks of relentless schmoozing by plump-botttomed WAG Colleen Rooney...

Gordon Brown claims Iranian President must be either dyslexic, deaf or plain ignorant

In a sharply-worded statement to President Ihava Nodinnajaket of Iran, Gordon Brown almost sparked World War 3 when he asked if the President was deaf, dyslexic or just plain bloody ignorant. While the remainder of the world applauded Mr Brown's e...

Goody's Spring Equinox fears that Queen's RIP will eclipse her own demise

London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): PR guru Max Cliff-Hanger has been ordered to take out emergency insurance cover against 'an Act of God' on Friday's Spring Equinox that could result in his top client being upstaged by the RIP of that other tragedy...

What is a Jade Goody?

As momentous events were unfolding across the world, with Middle Eastern wars and terrorist attacks in Ireland, and crumbling banking systems and tension in the former Soviet Union, the one thing people and especially satirists wanted to know was - w...

Teenage Son of Hippie Dad Rebels; Gets Employed

San Francisco, CA- Harrison Hendricks, 16, severed political ties with his new-age hippie father last Thursday by getting a job. The move came to Harrison after months of introspective thought and debate. "I realized that there are some thin...

Obesity Rate Drops After Redefinition

The Board of Health issued a statement today regarding the obesity epidemic that has been plaguing the United States. "We are redefining the classification of those who are considered 'obese,'" said Board of Health spokesman Robert Yollum. "...

NASA Announces Plans To Go To The Moon For Real This Time

Cape Canaveral, FLA - NASA officials held a press conference earlier today announcing plans for a manned mission to the moon that will actually take place on the moon instead of in a sound stage in the Arizona desert. The plan was announced...

Essene sex never existed scholar claims

Qumran - (Grateful Dead See Scrolls Mess): An eminent biblical scholar has shocked Israeli rabbis by claiming the existence of Essene sects (sic) was a psychotic fabrication by first century AD Jewish-Roman historian Flamius Josephus. "It was all...

Below Decks - Chapter Fifteen - Keep Pulling Together Men

Remains of 'Maury Show' Guest Found In Backstage Maze

After months of searching, the body of Ricky Baxterman was finally found deep in the backstage annals of the 'Maury Show' studio. Baxterman, 32, was a guest on the show back on September 5th, 2008, where his wife of 8 years had a secret to t...

Male Nurse Not Welcomed Home Again

Martin Thomas, 25, of Cheltenham, PA was not given admittance to his parents' home after his announcement to become a male nurse. Marty, a premature balder, was living in an apartment on the east side of town working as a seafood manager whe...

'Ice Ice Baby' Emanates From Studio Apartment

Madison, Wisconsin- The all too familiar beats of Vanilla Ice's early 90's hit, "Ice Ice Baby" was heard echoing through the Meadow Brook apartment complex last Tuesday night. Although the song was heard all up and down the entire 4th floor o...

Handicapped Woman Goes The Extra Mile For Pity, Gets None

Lauren Saunders hobbled and groaned her way across the UniTrust Bank parking lot where she works to pick up a piece of trash, hoping that others would see and hear her dedication and bravery. Saunders, a 42 year old partial amputee, had the l...

Furby Fossil Discovered In Archeological Dig

The archeological world was turned upside down when the fossil remains of a mythical animal known as a "Furby" was discovered in New Mexico. The remains were accidently discovered by State College students on an archeological retreat searchin...

Man In Bathroom Stall Covers Flatulence With Cough

Wilkes Barre, PA-At a rest stop on the Pennsylvania turnpike, a young man tried to conceal his call to nature by coughing in-sync with his flatulence. Christopher Breen, 21, of Glenside Pennsylvania, was traveling north to visit friends at S...

DVD Menu Loops During Loss Of Virginity

Kristen Stabler and Ryan Hokum, both of Havertown, Maryland, engaged in their first coital act together Saturday night while the menu of the DVD they had been watching looped continuously. The DVD in question, Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Ho...

Middle-Aged Man Gets Midday Drunk In Kiddie Pool

Harvey Winters, 46, of Albany NY spent his afternoon on his front lawn, drinking alcohol to excess in a half-full kiddie pool. Harvey, who is twice divorced, made his presence known to neighbors at 12:03 in the p.m. by clattering a 24-pack of...

Amero being forced on mafia now

NEWARK, NJ - In an unexpected move by the ACI, wherein my confidential source provided the material for this story on condition that his agency name be scrambled to defeat government search-engines, the mafia here is being switched over the the Amero...

D.A.R.E. Program Revamps With New 'Reverse Psychology' Tactic

The D.A.R.E.(Drug Abuse Resistance Education) program of the 1990's, thought by many to be a failure, is now gearing up to have another go at the youth of America with it's anti-drug message. Abington Township Police Chief Darryl Fleming bel...

Man Brings Beverage To Funeral Viewing

Harvey Flankman, 48, of Canton, made a bold move last Thursday when he arrived at Dolores Fleischer Funeral Home carrying a 16 ounce coffee in his right hand. Bereaved onlookers looked quizzically at Harvey as he paid his last respects to th...

Report: 42% of Americans Do Not Believe In Gravity

Washington D.C.- Partial results of the latest census performed by the U.S. Census Bureau was released today with troubling revelations. Apparently, 42% of the country's population does not believe in gravity. The Census Bureau is shocked by...

Area Man Feels Vindicated After Calling Radio Sports Show

Chicago, Illinois - Laurence Fulton, 42, called the local radio sports show, "Teddy and the Bear" last Sunday to discuss the Chicago Bears' chances at winning a title next year. Larry, a full time listener to the show and part time father, de...

Woman Takes Time Out Of Her Busy Day To Complain How Busy She Is

Jen Szalinsky had a very busy day yesterday, but somehow was able to complain to all who came her way. Szalinsky, a 25 year old secretary for the Rollins Company, walked into the office yesterday to find a huge workload on her desk. "...

Billy Mays' Autobiography Riddled With Exclamation Points

Billy Mays, the infomercial sensation, is planning to release an autobiography later in the year. His stellar beard, colorful wrist wear, and booming voice has helped companies sell millions of products ranging from household cleaning, to kitchen cle...

Bally Total Fitness Creates New 'Judgement Free' Zone

The corporate, nationwide gym, Bally Total Fitness has announced plans to reach out to the shy by providing a "Judgement Free" zone in all of their gyms across the country. "I can see how some might be intimidated by our commercials," said Ma...

Autism Bumper Magnets Raise Puzzle Awareness

Due to a recent surge in magnetic bumper ribbons across the country, the "Autism Awareness" bumper ribbon has raised puzzle awareness by more than 44% in the past two years. The Autism bumper ribbon has caught the attention of motorists with...

Easter Bunny Nearly Caught; Gnaws Off Own Leg To Freedom

A withered, battered, and betrayed Easter Bunny held a press conference earlier today to announce his retirement from the Easter holiday. Sometime late last night, the folks living on the 800 block of Cedar Street were awaken by an earth-shat...

Great American Novel Postponed By House Marathon

Topeka, KS - The literary world suffered another temporary setback today because of a House marathon aired on the USA network. John Lyons, 49, had recently settled into early retirement in order to follow his life's ambition of writing the gr...

Two More U.S. Nominees Decline

Two top contenders for senior posts at the U.S. Treasury have withdrawn, people familiar with the moves said on Thursday, dealing a blow to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner's efforts to build his staff to fight the financial crisis. Former Sec...

Blue Balls turn Green on St. Patricks Day

While millions celebrated the feast of St. Patrick in and around the City of Chicago, one man was rushed to hospital with an initially diagnosed and rare case of "Gloss-Sliotar-Galar" syndrome. Found screaming in the rest room of the "Old Shillelagh...

Amy Winehouse Denies Being A Woman

Singer Amy Winehouse has denied being a woman after a charity ball in central London. Ms Winehouse, 25, was accused of being a woman in Berkeley Square, Westminster, on 25 September. Today, the singer appeared at Westminster Magistrates' Cour...

Jade Goody: Nothing New To Report, Really

As the sun slowly slips out of view over the horizon in the twilight of Jade Goody's sparkling career, it emerged that there was no news worth reporting on the former Big Brother housemate today. Her public cyst, Max Cash, usually so reliable in p...

National Express - Train Nerd debate hots up

The debate into banning train nerds from stations in order to peruse their hobbies is hotting up. Supreme train geek Pete Waterman responsible for a string a shite pop songs in the eighties said "This is diabolical, National Express are putting an en...

Alan Pardew "raped" by Essien

Out-of-work manager and now not-so-part-time football pundit Alan Pardew will be "raped" by Chelsea midfielder Michael Essien following his comments on BBC Match of the Day 2 on Sunday night. Pardew has since apologised for his comments. But in a...

British authorities in quandry following Somali kidnapping

Following the dastardly kidnapping of 1500 residents from Greenodd Cumbria last Wednesday by Somali Pirates, British authorities have become flustered and more than a little apprehensive about what the Somali kidnappers will do to their hostages.

Amish Peeved After Monitoring TV Broadcasts

Chicago Il .- The gentle, peace-loving Amish are mightily peeved after discovering that the rest of the world is making fun of them and exploiting their good name. Two Amish gentlemen were walking through Union Station in Chicago when one of them, ca...

New Britney Single: 'See U Hen, Tea Anyone?'

Following the publicity and singles sales success of the track If U Seek Amy, Britney Spears has decided to release a new single which does not feature on her latest album. The new song is aimed at Britney's seven to fifteen year old predominantly f...

Good Samaritan Charity Launch 'JadeLine'

A counselling charity has announced it is setting up a new 'Jade Helpline', to help those most affected deal with the impending loss of the reality TV person. The new Jadeline service will be a private number issued only to tabloid journalists, de...

Sesame Street hit by Credit Crunch

The worldwide hit children's TV show, Sesame Street is suffering at the hands of the economic downturn. The Street, as it's known in entertainment circles, has been a long running educational show using puppets created by the Jim Henson Muppet fac...

Newly discover frozen sperm of Saddam Hussein to be used in stem cell research

UPI (California) - The newly discovered frozen sperm of Saddam Hussein will be given to the University of California, Irvine (UCI), for use in the recently approved stem cell research. The program "Stemming is Fundamental" is the brainchild of UCI b...

Tarzan knocks up wrong Jane

An elderly Tarzan and his companion Jane Goodall are reportedly expecting their first child. The seventy-four year old Goodall and ninety-six year old Tarzan are said to have first met on the set of "Tarzan the ape-man." some fifty years ago. "He w...

All Gays Extinct By 2070

In another world exclusive, a preview of an alarming study due to be published in the Lancet this week that predicts that homosexual men will be a thing of the past by the year 2070. Professor Phil Myars of Wigan University explained his theory o...

Hugh Hefner Selling His $28 Million Mansion To "OctuMom"

HOLMBY HILLS, California - Hugh Hefner is selling the mansion that is adjacent to his Playboy Mansion to "OctuMom" for $28 million. The two-story mansion covers 7,300 square feet, has 15 bedrooms, 15 bathrooms, a movie theater, a standard sized ca...

Obama outraged at home owner's associations

CHANDLER, AZ - It is reported by activists here that Obama is outraged at home owner's associations (HO) for contributing markedly to carbon-dioxide pollution as well as hampering solar energy. Mr. Interswien, Obama spokesperson, as well as promin...

Homeless dying after being given food stuffs

DENVER, Colo - Mr. Onkeywoodsmien of the Larimer Good Bank of Treats (LGBT) here is asking patrons of the homeless to stop donating boxes full of aspartame. "These people are hungry, and they will eat what ever you dangle in front of them. And th...

Rise in cannibalism reflects harsh economy

While government subsidization of biofuel is pushing up grain and meat prices, and massive layoffs are forcing cutbacks in spending on food, some consumers have found a way to get around high prices-by eating their fellow man. Long considered tabo...

Rihanna beaten; Brown Takes Full Reponsibilty

The UK's Gordian Angel reports that a majority of British teen colonist in Boston believe that Rihanna was to blame for the beating she allegedly received from Sesame Street guest star Chris Brown. This blaming of the victim seems to be a trend in th...

Cheney Takes Full Responsibility for Gordon Brown's Acceptance of Guilt

After telling many Sunday morning talk show panels that he refused to answer questions about the economy on the grounds that it might incriminate him, Cheney changed his tune this morning. The former VP and amateur mole impersonator told me that...

Netherland's Amsterdam Airbourne's Banned from World Baseball Classic

In a new wrinkle in the scandalous performance effecting drugs in baseball, Holland's World baseball Classic Cinderella team has been banned for using PIS. WBC doctors have analyzed the piss of every player on every team and the entire squad of t...

Dick Cheney Found with Cub Pilot License Circling DC

Word has it that FAA investigators apprehended a short bald angry man with a cub pilot license circling the nation's capital in a WWI Red Baron. Wearing goggles and a Teutonic flyer's scarf, the amateur flyboy put up quite a dogfight until he was bro...

Menarche: The Red Tide Author to Release The Boy in the Stained Pyjamas

First the Vagina Monotony got everybody paying attention to that obscure flesh fold from whence we all come or so they want us to believe. Then The Female Orgasm: The Myth dispelled the G-Money in the so-called G-Spot. Menarche : the Red Tide got eve...

Baghdad Green Zone Now Home Of The Wizard Of Oz

The Green Zone, that huge, walled off section of Baghdad occupied by US military and civilian operations, has been renamed 'The Emerald City' after the fabled city in the movie 'The Wizard of Oz'. The Green Zone functions like a first world count...

Space Station Runs Away From Space Shuttle

The ever elusive International Space Station has managed to stay a few steps ahead of the space shuttle Discovery, as the later tries to dock with the former. It's the kind of space romance you only read about, but now it's coming true. Space shut...

Prime Minister Brown tells all about fetish

In a rare moment of self deprecation, yes very rare, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown has told a reporter from Midland's newspaper, the Daily Splog, that he enjoys having his pet Bengal tiger lick his feet every morning before commencing his daily chor...

Spoof news stories from Tuesday 17 March 2009

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