Spoof news stories from Sunday 7 June 2009
Queen discovered trussed and naked 'like David Carradine' in Palace sex romp cubbyhole
London - (Royal Perversion Mess): "Just another closet queen hoist by her own petard!" was the only comment from royal protection officers this morning after a gagged and naked Queen Elizabeth was discovered trussed up, a la David Carradine, in a se...
The Damn Hurricane Season Is Here!
GALVESTON - Well hurricane season is here once again. And the Texas coast city of Galveston is still digging out from the bashing that it received from Hurricane Ike last September.
Galveston Hurricane Center Authorities report that every day they...
Welfare Services Slammed
The long awaited report into the death of a young man at the hands of his elder brother was published today amid claims that the family had been badly let down by welfare services. "Had the authorities acted sooner this young mans death could have be...
Interview With A Doodle Addict
This week, BUM News blows the lid off of a little known addiction that affects one in eight people in the UK.
I first met Christine, lets call her Anne, just after she had returned from rehab. Forty eight year old Anne, who has never married, lives with her widowed mother in a council house on an estate just outside Leeds. Anne's addiction has meant that since leaving school she has been unable...
Man Gets Incapacity Benefit At Last
The Department of Social Security confirmed today that a crooked man's claim for Incapacity Benefit had been accepted.
The crooked man said, after successfully taking the DSS to a tribunal for the 365th time, "I still can't believe it. Of course,...
Reporter Takes Newspaper To Industrial Tribunal
An investigative reporter claimed she was unfairly dismissed from her job for incompetence. Miss Lane told the Tribunal that she had held the position for several years and in all that time had never received any criticism of her work.
During this...
Genetically Modified Crop Found Growing In Garden
Health officials and officers from the Ministry of Agriculture descended on a village garden today after a tip off that genetically modified foods were being grown there.
A spokesperson from the Health and Safety Executive said, "We understand tha...
Superhuman Powers for Clockwork Power Genius
Trevor Bayliss - the so called "inventor" of the clockwork radio (a radio with a clockwork motor - genius?) has again come up trumps. His latest obsessional piece of clockwork trickery involved experimenting on himself - "A bit like Marie Curie" he...
Rear Vice Admiral Morse Calls Off QM2 Transatlantic Trip
South Carolina based nautical hero, Rear Vice Admiral Morse, one time captain of HMS Buggerall out of the port of Bristol today called off a planned trip to Europe on the QM2, where he would have tracked down some Norwegian and German ancestors.
R...
President Obama Has An Official "Taster"
A US "taster" tested the food being dished up to President Barack Obama at a dinner in a French restaurant, a waiter said on Sunday.
"They have someone who tastes the dishes," said waiter Hobriel de la ti da Arrvalho from the "La Fontaine de Bars" restaurant where Obama and his family turned up for dinner on Saturday night. "Not only that, there are fools who come in and entertain the girls bet...
New Labour Cabinet
Minister of Looking Like A Lizard - Gordon Brown
Minister of Speaking Like A Poofter - Gordon Brown
Minister of Shiting Himself Every Time Mandy Walks Into The Room - Gordon Brown
Minister of Looking Like A Skunk And Getting Caught Stealing - Alastair Darling
Minister of Red Swine 'Flu - Hazel Bleary-Memory
Minister of Doing Everything The USA Tells You To Do - Gordon Brown
Minis...
Monty Gordon's Flying Circus
[cue American marching band music and surreal cartoons, then ...]
Alastair: I wish to make a complaint about this here labour party that I bought here, to wit, thirteen years ago
Gordon: What's wrong wiv it?
Alastair: Since I took it home, it hasn't moved
Gordon: Maybe it's thinking hard about defrauding its owners. Look, it moved then!
Alastair: You pushed it!
Gordon: No I didn'...
Biden Reassures Japan About NKorean Bomb! "No Civilized Country Would Use Such A Thing!"
In a surprise visit to Japan, Vice President Joe Biden visited the presidential palace as well as the Japanese Diet and made a short speech to the gathered assembly.
"We have been hearing that our friends here in Japan are extremely uncomfortable about North Korea developing an atomic bomb."
"Let me assure you, one and all, to tell your people that they have nothing to worry about."
"Just...
JalapenoMan Vows To Return
There's been much concern this weekend over the apparent disappearance of UK Dudley based Spoof writing supremo Monkey Woods, who is believed to have gone off with a 'dirty woman' for a bit of rumpy pumpy, or been admitted to a clinic following an em...
Female Bodybuilder Mistaken For Man In Dutch Weed Cafe
A female bodybuilder from New Jersey was challenged to a fight last night in a weed smokers cafe in the Netherlands.
Dora Piebottom, 32, of Hackensack, New Jersey, who it must be admitted looks a bit like a bloke, with all the big muscles and stuf...
Spoof Writer Monkey Woods Admitted To Clinic Following Embarrassingly Easy Chess Victory
Spoof writers from all over the globe have recently expressed concerns over the apparent disappearance of Spoof writing Dudley based legend Monkey Woods.
Various theories have been expounded on the writers lack of recent activity, ranging from bei...
Man With World's Largest Penis Goes Into Hiding - Overexposure Blamed
An American man, reportedly the possessor of the world's largest penis went into hiding yesterday evening at 7:32 pm Mountain Time, blaming over exposure for his inability to cope.
The man, allegedly a close acquaintance of legendary Spoof writer...
The Comedy Event of the Year: Dick Cheney's "Save My Ass" tour
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Dick Cheney, one of the funniest comedians to come out Washington, D.C. in years, announced the start of his national comedy tour, "Save My Ass." Dick will bring his bizarre take on life and famous deadpan delivery to comedy clubs and...
Suicide Bomb Attempt Fails
A would-be suicide bomber failed in his attempt to blow up himself and possibly hundreds of passers-by when the bomb he was carrying failed to detonate.
Shoppers all up and down City Road were saved only by the bombers lack of bomb making knowledg...
Jeffrey Archer can make this up
Disgraced Prisoner and stealer of other people's ideas Jeffrey Archer has said that the current melt-down at Labour Headquarters is a classic story that he wrote more than 15 years ago.
The waster of trees told us: 'All of this that is happening n...
Branson becomes Fosset
Shares in Richard Branson fell dramatically today when it was disclosed that he is in fact the late Steve Fossett. Mr Branson, who has undertaken many daring feats for the sake of publicity has now admitted the ultimate publicity coup - that he in f...
Window Dressing
Following her leaving Parliament, thinking Politician's crumpet Caroline Flint has a new job working for Marks and Spencer as a Window Dresser.
Ms Flint, 37, and 'lovely' according to the three politicians who are remaining is said to be pleased w...
Federer suggests gravel dust caused him to weep after hearing of Nadals surprise exit!
Roger Federer seen weeping at Roland Garros for the first time ever has explained to bemused reporters the reason for his emotional breakdown.
"My tears are not tears of jubilation because that Spanish, Mallorcan, puta madre, pretender to my crown...
Amy Winehouse Cancels Again, Keeps Most Of Ticket Money
Amy Winehouse has, of all things, cancelled her scheduled performance next week according to her new manager, or someone who appeared before a microphone and announced that she is now Amy's new manager.
"Amy will be spending a few days or weeks at...
Equator packs bags and moves to Europe?
After years of being settled neatly between the Tropics of Cancer and Capricorn, sources close to the Equator yesterday sensationally revealed that it feels like it's time to move on.
Though no facts are currently available, and are unlikely...
Apprentice shock - shameless update
In a major upset today the results of this years yet to be run apprentice final were found inside a discarded kebab wrapper by a passing investigative reporter.
The reporter - a well-known figure in the world of investigative journalism happened t...
Villa, Silva and Xavi set to join Liverpool in shock transfer news
The beleaguered Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez from the luxury of his holiday on Menorca has revealed that the club is set to announce the transfers of some of the biggest stars in world football.
"It's true we have control of the situation," Benitez...
Lewis Hamilton - Major Shock
Following his poor performance, producing another dismal result in last weekends Turkish Grand Prix, Lewis Hamilton has announced he may take legal action against the McLaren Formula One team for loss of charisma.
Speaking through a Darth Vader vo...
Spoof Website Starts Full Frontal Nudity Offering In Its Daily Page!
Bowing to the economic pressures of the day the normally clean-as-a-Mormon-on-Sunday website The Spoof is starting to offer full frontal nudity on its screen. This is in an effort to keep up with its snail-news competitor that offers only half naked...
Beards Banned In Boston and Baby-Faces Banned By Taliban.
At one time in Boston back in the day when Puritan ethics had not yet totally evaporated from the social consciousness, it was considered immoral to have a beard or any facial hair (one wonders how such Biblical heroes such as Moses, Jeremiah or even...
Obama Hints That Venezuela May Become The 51st State
CARACAS, Venezuela - President Barack Obama met with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez about the possibility of Venezuela becoming the 51st state.
President Obama was first approached with this unbelievable proposal back in December when he attende...
Old White Men who Run the World Worried about Obama
The Board of Directors of the Old White Men who Run the World met this weekend in an undisclosed location known only to most of them. The only item on the agenda was Barack Obama.
The following talking points were leaked to a bathroom attendant...
Finally someone apologises to Pointer and My Response
> Dear Pointer,
>
> Please allow me to apologize for my conduct when we last met. I consider you to be one of my very closest friends and am embarrassed about my off the wall behavior. Perhaps the combination of Irish, Croatian and English genes and some very good wine got the best of me. Or maybe I was just being stupid.
>
> In any event, I ask you all to forgive me. I love...
NBC Cancels The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien
LOS ANGELES - In a move that caught a lot of people by surprise, NBC has canceled The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien after only one week.
NBC President of West Coast Operations Gregory K. Quickowitz said that the premier show had a 7.1 rating. Th...
Blind Valet Hangs Actor in Closet
Bangkok-Actor David Carradine thought nothing of it when he hired blind muscle builder Igor Slopsinsky (Slo-Pinsk-e)for his personal assistant. Helping those less fortunate came easily for the famous actor, who in the past has hired a vertically chal...
Hubble Space Telescope Spots Romulan Warbird Orbiting Saturn
Houston TX-- Alarmed NASA scientists informed the president today of an extraordinary discovery. The refitted Hubble Space Telescope imaged a spaceship orbiting the planet Saturn. The spaceship has been identified as a Romulan Warbird. The United...
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