Spoof news stories from Friday 17 July 2009
Gordon Brown shocks parliament with another new cabinet announcement
The Prime Minister created a stir in parliament today with the unexpected announcement of a new cabinet.
With the recent resignations over the ongoing MPs' expenses scandal, the last thing expected from Downing Street was the news that Gordon Brow...
Pope given Diprivan while undergoing wrist surgery - Vatican says he "moon-walked" after leaving hospital.
AOSTA, ITALY: Pope Benedict waved and smiled at well-wishers gathered outside a hospital Friday where he underwent surgery to set a fractured right wrist following a fall at his Alpine vacation chalet.
Vatican spokesperson and next in line to th...
Big Bang is Damp Squib
Mathematician David Stewart claims that the big bang theory is a damp squib. The theory of the big bang is that a massive explosion billions of years ago created everything in the universe.
David says this is nonsense its like this 2 multiplied by 2 = 4 . 5 multiplied by 5 = 25 and so on.
But zero multiplied by zero = zero.
The universe could, under no circumstance start from absolutely...
Jacko fried his brains for Pepsi: Tina Turner commiserates
Los Angeles - (Pyromancy Mess): "Hey, Pepsi firebombed my beehive too!" Tina Turner commented today about Zaprudder footage of Michael Jackson's afro blazing like a bonfire night bogeyman during 1984 filming of 'The Choice of a New Generation'.
Tu...
Amy Winehouse Showing Latest In Fall Fashions
Amy Winehouse is all set to show everyone in fandom how to dress for the upcoming fall which will "Be here upon us before we are aware of ummm..you know!"
Amy advises that the number one item to purchase is elbow and shin guards. "You can leave th...
NASA says "Endeavour" collided with Sen. Franken's ego
Washington, D.C. - NASA confirmed that the object the space shuttle Endeavour collided with during its launch was in fact Senator Al Franken' ego. "We were two minutes into the launch and I was just about to power up the vehicle when the ship shutter...
Students Release Crystal Defanti Sequel Shocker!
SACRAMENTO, CA - Things took an unexpected turn for the better today at Sugar's Shack boutique in Sacramento, California when ousted Miss California Carrie Prejean and reigning Isabelle Jackson Elementary school Porn Queen Crystal Defanti apparently...
Skoob Takes on Two Meat Pies
Beloved writer and self-professed oracle of TheSpoof.com, Skoob, claims that although he is still a strong supporter of Manchester United now that he has become a man of a certain age his interests have shifted to meat pies.
Once satisfied with on...
Spoof Readers Prefer Fags To Lesbians
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Things got hot and heavy in a New York minute when Crystal Defanti and Carrie Prejean bumped into each other, then ended up bumping uglies at a Sacramento boutique; at least, that's what happened in one spoof writer's most recent...
California To Vote On Legalizing Marijuana
SAN JOSE, California - State Senator Ava Winterhalter has entered a proposal (California Pot Proposal #876-3) into the California State Legislature which would legalize the growing, selling, and use of Cannabis aka pot, Mary Jane, Acapulco Gold, Maui...
God Breaks Pope's Wrist For "Impure Act"
Vatican City, Vatican - The Pope, infallible head of the Catholic Church, has been punished by God for committing an "Impure Act" by having his wrist miraculously broken. Although the impure act has not been described, it seems that the wrist in ques...
Local Girl With Tourettes Tells Somebody to Fcuk Off!
Young teenage girl Rebecca 'Becca' Richmond has told an old man on a bus to fuck off during a wild tirade against everything that pisses her off.
16-year old Becca, who suffers from a form of tourettes syndrome in which she cannot control her fuck...
Anti-Social Little Bastard Won't come out To Play
Steaming little shite, Barney Noble, says he won't go outside and play in the Sun with the other little brats that life in the area.
The local hateful child said he prefers playing videogames on his computer and just being a right, moany little ba...
World's Shittiest Zoo Features Animals Nobody Wants To See
A Zoo in Scunthorpe has opened to poor reviews - mainly due to the shite animals that the owners have assembled.
Zookeeper Mike Patterson somehow or other thought it would be great idea to fill his enclosures with a crow, a diseased cat and wh...
Man from the future cannot work out how younger man he sent back in time to save his life could be his father
John Connor cannot understand how in hell his friend Kyle Reese, whom he sent back in time to 1984 to save his mother's life, could then turn out to be his father.
"It kinda messes with your head", said Connor today - which is really the futur...
Soylent Green Is People
The ghost of Charlton Heston has uncovered a dastardly plan to feed people on human flesh. The square-jawed action man took a break from his duties impersonating God and Moses in Heaven to foil the cannibalistic scheme.
"From my cold dead hands I...
Pope Breaks Wrist - Denies He was having a good Wank
The Pope was taken to hospital with a suspected broken wrist yesterday. A Vatican spokesperson denied that the Holy Father injured himself while having his nightly wank.
It is well know in religious circles that the Pope like to 'shake his rosary...
Sarah Palin: NAACP Racist
(New York-NY) Sarah Palin was not a scheduled speaker at the NAACP Convention in New York City this week, but it didn't stop the beehive Republican rising star from making her point of view known outside of the gathering. "The "NAACP has an alarming...
Danny DeVito Grows 8 inches Overnight
Funnyman Hollywood actor Danny DeVito said that he was 'amazed' and 'astounded' to wake up the other morning and discover that he had grown in height by almost 8 inches.
The midget star of movies such as Twins and the television comedy Taxi, said...
Beckham Back At United?
Rumours currently sweeping Manchester would seem to suggest that Manchester United are prepared to welcome David Beckham home.
The player often expressed that he never wanted to leave Manchester United in the first place.
Currently unpopular wi...
Missing Dog May Have Been Eaten by Spoof Writer
A missing dog named Charlie is suspected of having been dog napped and then eaten by a gourmet TheSpoof.com writer.
The adorable 3-year old beagle was last seen chasing his tail in his garden, when a strange Californian man with a demented glaring...
Spoof Writer Buckwheatsbutt claims Chamone is Actually Buckwheatsbutt
Nimble-fingered writer Buckwheatsbutt has made the startling announcement that he believes extremely talented TheSpoof.com newcomer Chamone is none other than himself.
Buckwheatsbutt - who lists wanking to 1990's era photographs of Mark Lowton as...
"Baywatch" The Movie is Going Black?
Yalta, Ukraine - "We're taking it back home where the first Caucasians ran freely on the beach," said Roger Meyers, a location scout for the new Baywatch movie. "Where Babushkas, then in their prime, wore little more than head scarves and no body be...
Company Directors Fire CEO For His Choice Of Footwear
Pittsburgh, PA - The company directors of a multinational mining company based in Pittsburgh have fired their CEO for his choice of footwear. The company, PDQ Mining & Resources, issued a press release stating that the company's decision to fire...
The Late Billy Mays Replacement, Al Gore Not Working Well
The late Billy Mays TV salesman's successor, Al Gore is simply not working out according to Info Products, Inc. manager, Larry Fine.
We've still got all the amazing zowee products that everyone MUST have to make their miserable everyday lives comp...
Global Warming what really causes it.
Professor I Burns of Edinburgh University has hit back at scientists who claim that the main cause of Global warming is the heat from Fish & Chip Shops. He said that the real cause of Global warming is the fact that most houses now have central h...
Lindsay Lohan Says She Is Dumping Samantha Ronson To Concentrate On Older Women
MALIBU BEACH, California - On again off again actress Lindsay Lohan has revealed to Internet Blogger Perez Hilton that she has decided to dump her ex-ex-ex "Boyfriend" Samantha Ronson again for the third or seventh time.
The hazel-eyed skinny-as-h...
Bill's Philandering Pays Off
Thanks to some help from those in high places, as well as some very creative fundraising, Hillary Clinton's Presidential campaign fund has gone from red to black, literally. She's not only gotten some help from President Obama in helping her pay off...
Bush & Blair War Crimes - The Great Prophet Nostradumbass
The Great prophet Nostradumbass has predicted that 15 years from now when the world will have more sensible leaders all the evidence that has been gathered against George W Bush and Tony Blair will be used to prosecute them for war crimes.
They jointly decided to break international law and attack Iraq and are responsible for the deaths of millions of Iraq's and for the deaths of thousands of t...
Lance Armstrong had secret heart fitted
Paul Kimmage has been digging deep into the operations carried out on Mr Armstrong during his cancer treatment. Its been revealed by a previous employee of the cutting edge cancer treatment centre that Lance was not just keen to try previously untest...
Wow! Kari Callen - America's Got Talent's Answer To Susan Boyle
LOS ANGELES - Her name is Kari Callen. She wore a red sweater, blue jeans, and flip flops, but the 43-year-old lady from Seattle literally knocked every one's socks off.
And she quickly showed that she is the American version of England's Susan Bo...
Another Montauk Monster Sighting
NY - U.S. Marshalls yesterday ousted Ruth Madoff from her $7 million Upper East Side Manhattan penthouse, leaving her to fend for herself. There was some confusion in the beginning when Mrs. Madoff answered a knock at the door and U.S. Marshal J...
Anglo saxons return - The Great Prophet Nostradumbass
The great Prophet Nostradumbass has predicted that within the next 10 years all those of Anglo Saxon origin will return from where they came. This could create problems for some countries notably England because England gets its name from the Anglo Saxons that invaded the place over a thousand years ago and there are a lot of people of Anglo Saxon origin in England.
The other problem is that t...
The Grilling, Sauteing, and Deep Frying of Sonia Sotomayor
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor has now been grilled, sauteed, and deep fried by the Senate Confirmation Committee for a total of 8,297 hours, which is enough time for OctuMom to have gotten pregnant twice.
The ave...
Area 51 - Aliens held as prisoners- The Mr X files
Area 51 in Nevada is one of the most secretive places on the planet and is believed to be a test area for the US air force.
A former employee at the Area 51 facility known to us as JIM has had a meeting with our investigative reporter Mr X.
Jim told us that he worked at the facility for 6 years where they tested new technology which is even more advanced than the technology used in the mobil...
Fat Fern F*cks Off This Morning
So long former fat fuck Fern Britton who is leaving This Morning; I wish she had left many mornings ago.
Despite her constant juvenile sexual innuendo, cuddly, bubbly, comfortable being obese Fern, who pretended to millions of loyal viewers that she was losing weight through exercise, healthy eating and improved lifestyle, but had secretly had a gastric band fitted to stop the flow of garbage...
Biden Says Gummint Will Reclaim, Recycle and Reuse
Washington, DC - Vice President Biden announced a new FEMA program today with a photo op and speech on the grounds of the his residence at the Naval (Navel?) Observatory also known as Cheney House. A transcript of his remarks follow:
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I was in a bit of a rush this morning and grabbed a sheaf of papers from my desk. Let me sort through these for my short spe...
Never Aired Interview of Elizabeth Taylor
We have obtained a copy of a taped interview of Elizabeth Taylor by Larry King. Sources say King journeyed to Los Angeles California for what he said was the greatest interview of his entire career.
That prompts us to ask, "Bigger than the Pope, the President, Mother Teresa?
Apparently so as Larry appeared a bit on edge and had donned a sport jacket before Liz came onto the set.
Adam Lambert Is A Woman!
The Hollywood press has been the most active since Michael Jackson's death three weeks ago! That was after Adam Lambert laughingly joked that he was a woman. "Then began singing Bob Dylan's "Just Like A Woman"..."but I break just like a little girl",...
Twitter was a typo!
Twitter, one of the biggest crazes to hit the internet in recent years has been revealed to be a typo. Whilst the mistake in the name has clearly not distracted from the interest it has invoked in millions of 'Twits', being those that contribute to T...
Are The Stars Out Tonight
For years there have been great debates about the alleged moon landings and if man really did land on the moon or is it the greatest hoax in the history of mankind.
Of all the evidence that has been used in this great debate the most compelling i...
Jackson Reincarnated Claims Tibetan Monk
Michael Jackson has been reincarnated and has returned to earth claims Tibetan monk Lobsang Rampa. The monk claims he meditated for many hours and had a vision of Jackson being reincarnated as a kitten minutes after his death. The kitten was born in...
Senator Byrd Loses Ass--Manhunt for Missing Butt
Senator Robert C. Byrd, Democrat from West Virginia, was found wandering, lost, once again, in the corridors of the Senate Office Building, Wednesday afternoon. And while that is not news, the fact that the Senator had no ass was news, and yet anothe...
Assberry Replaces Facebook as Social Network Central
Friending once the highest compliment in the social network hierarchy of who's who may soon be replaced by a more visceral kind of contact, now that the worldwide web has been captured by the internet " town " of Assberry. Soon a message in your inbo...
Good News - Cherie Blair Gets Swine Flu - Pigs Strike
There will be no more bacon until Cherie Blair reveals where she got her swine flu.
The probability exists that Ms Blair has used undue influence to obtain a better virus than that available to the man in the street. Parliamentary Expenses investi...
Obama Stars in Harry Potter and the Half Breed Prince
Barack Obama known for his ability to multi task and kick ass in multiple corners is appearing this week in the debut of the new critically acclaimed Harry potter and the Half-Breed Prince. Barack plays an African- Hawaiian- Kansan who rises from rel...
West Virginia's Mothman to Write Blog
The legendary Mothman, a winged creature with glowing red eyes, revealed to the computer liberace that he would begin publishing a blog on TheSpoof.com.
Mothman, a Point Pleasant, West Virginia native, and legend, credited Mrs. Mary Baker, his 2...
PR Shark Sotomayor Knows How to Handle White Boy Jets
With a squadron of white boy jets strafing and bombing everything in her path, Sonia Sotomayor, a wise Puertoriquena shark from NYC has been swimming like a killer shark. Perhaps it helps that the street gang of Jets come from backwoods locales like...
Cute Furry Animals - All Fake!
In a staggering revelation, scientists have today revealed that the world's best loved "cute" animal species are fakes - yes - FAKES!
The species in question, Meerkats, Seals, Chimpanzees, Baby Deer, lambs, squirrels, calves, little chicks and all...
Clinton Throws Hissy Fit
Hillary Clinton wants the President to know in no uncertain terms that she's just as important a part of his Administration as Joe Biden, and she's not backing down this time. After breaking her elbow and missing out on a couple of high-profile trip...
Madoff Imprisoned in Mayberry
It was announced today that Bernard Madoff, recently convicted of running the largest Ponzi Scheme in history, has finally found a prison home for the rest of his natural life, Mayberry, NC. As crazy as it sounds, Madoff's attorney had put in a requ...
Skoob1999 - The Michael Jackson Interview
In the early hours of this morning, we received a call from Spoof writer Skoob 1999 who told us that he wanted to discuss the Michael Jackson 'situation' so we somewhat reluctantly headed for the idiot's house.
Skoob, looking frail and skinny and probably addicted to painkillers and Belgian beer ushered us in and asked us to take a seat.
After getting yet another beer from the fridge, Skoob...
Pattaya Man's Wife 'Tips' Copper 200 Baht
A British man living here in the Thai eastern seaboard town of Pattaya has told of his anger and resentment of the Thai Police Force after it emerged that his wife, who was driving home to the town after a visit to see her family in Bangkok, was pull...
The Devil Rides Out - On A Motorcycle
We can reveal today that the Devil, aka Satan, Beelzebub etc, who had been hanging around a Spoof writer eagerly awaiting a 666th story, finally got on his BSA Bantam motorcycle and returned to the inferno immortalised by Italian poet Dante.
The D...
Waffle House to Cater Obama's State Dinners
President Barrack Obama announced today that the Waffle House will begin catering all White House State dinners beginning August 1, 2009.
"I'm pleased as punch that the Awful Waffle is going to be serving the food at our state dinners. They didn'...
Long-Life Drug scandal as pensioners run riot at The Open
Turnberry: Watson, Jimenez, Montgomerie & Lyle banned at The Open over new life prolonging drug Rapamycin found in system after routine drug tests.
Following the sizzling form of veterans Miguel Angel Jimenez and Tom Watson who are leading the...
Priest Shits Pants In Exorcism Number 666
Father Nick Christmas, a Roman Catholic priest, of St Dustbin's in Todmorden, West Yorkshire was recovering quietly at home today after shitting his pants assisting a colleague in an exorcism.
Father Christmas had expressed doubts about the ritual...
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