Spoof news stories from Saturday 1 August 2009
Missing chapters of Darwin's 'Origin of the Species' discovered
The longly-suspected missing chapters of naturalist Charles Darwin's book 'The Origin of the Species' were today discovered at a car boot sale in the village of East Saxby, West Riding, by Mrs. Ermintrude Haggles, aged 83.
'I were just rummaging t...
Readers Desert Satirical Website In Droves
UK based satirical website, TheSpoof.com, famous for stories about outsized sex organs and various political rants has been losing viewers and contributors in droves recently.
One formerly prolific writer has been reported to have upped sticks and...
Oh, I Get "Buy" !
NEW YORK, NY, USA An internet auction being held by "Gotta Have It!" will feature many items associated with the Beatles and other superstars, including Jimi Hendrix. The on-line auction ends on August 5.
The New York auction house first gained r...
Sand Stealer's Shut Down The Cancun Beaches
CANCUN, Mexico - The Mayor of the Mexican resort city of Cancun, Cipriano Masa-Trigo has ordered that the beaches of Cancun be shut down.
Masa-Trigo said that overnight sand thieves managed to steal about 300 dump truck loads of refined white beac...
Could "Obama-[Birthers]-Cam" be Coming to a Computer Screen Near You?
Washington, D.C. - Despite having a copy of President Barack Obama's birth certificate online, the Department of Health in Hawaii has still been inundated with requests by people wanting to inspect the original document for themselves. Only the origi...
Astrologers reeling as space zits erupt on Venus
Space - (Celestial Mess): It could be very messy, very pus-sy indeed for President Obama's 48th birthday next Tuesday.
That's the overwhelming astrological prognosis as a large, shining pustule appeared on the surface of Venus just weeks after a m...
Evony Ad Ladies Go Missing - Pussycat Dolls And Girls Aloud Suspected
The Evony online game ad girls have suddenly inexplicably disappeared from the pages of the esteemed satirical website TheSpoof.com.
The Evony ad ladies, with their hot sweaty sexiness, pouting, and ample sweat-beaded cleavage had become a firm fa...
Male Chauvinist Pig Flu Vaccine Developed
ATLANTA, GEORGIA, USA The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today announced a promising new discovery in the development of a "prophylactic" vaccine to prevent or ameliorate the effects of the dreaded Male Chauvinist Pig Influenza, better...
A pedestrian is knocked down every 5 minutes on UK roads
Research has today revealed that roads in the UK are equally as dangerous as the extremely dangerous UK drivers who use them.
Despite the deployment of revenue cameras every 100 metres on open roads, a pedestrian is still knocked down every five m...
Propofol a Big Hit with Michael Jackson Mourners
A poll by federal drug officials shows abuse of the powerful anesthetic propofol rising dramatically among Michael Jackson enthusiasts.
The "King of Pop" died after having a live-in, $150,000-a-month cardiologist pop the dangerous medication int...
Custody of Michael Jackson's children confirmed
The custody battle for Michael Jackson's children is over, and the three of them, Michael I, Michael II and Michaela I are said to be extremely happy.
It was confirmed today that the three children are off to an animal park in Carolina to be looke...
Cleveland Brown's Dawg Pound Worried of Results If Michael Vick Plays
Members of The Dawg Pound, a group of Cleveland Browns fans, are worried of the results if Michael Vick is permitted to play in the NFL again. Vick was recently released from 18 months in prison and has not played in the NFL for two seasons due to m...
DNA to decide: Is Nancy Pelosi really Jane Pauley?
Clark Kent and Superman are never seen together, and for a very simple reason; they are the same person. Neither House Squeaker Nancy Pelosi nor television anchor woman Jane Pauley have ever been seen together. Are they, as many have claimed, the s...
Neanderthal cave paintings discovered inside Pelosi's vagina
Surgeons operating to remove Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's tongue from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's vagina discovered more than 200 Neanderthal cave paintings decorating the walls of the rarely used organ. Anthropologists from the Smithsonian...
Binge drinkers in for a gong
Doctors have announced today ''Binge drinking is good for you'' ending years of debate in an instant.
The study commissioned by leading beverage peddlar,interbrewed, found that huge amounts of alcohol consumed in a short period actually helps young...
NASA Discovers It Left Astronaut Behind On Moon In 1969 Landing.
Ironically coincidental with the demise of the man who first walked on the moon, NASA has discovered that it had forgotten an astronaut on the moon. In fact, it appears that he was left at the time of Apollo 11's historic milestone.
NASA astron...
Shocking breaking "Footy" news! Man City owners buy Real Madrid, AC Milan and Bayern Munich!!!
Man City's mega-rich Arabian owners have just acquired Real Madrid, lock, stock, Ronaldo, Kaka and Barrel, OLÉ!
This shock news was just transmitted by Reuters Int. Also the news that the mega-disappointed Spanish royal family, sponsors of Real, h...
Local Shop Sells Alternative Greeting Cards
The local greeting card shop 'Birthmark' has opened a new section of 'alternative' cards designed for those usually awkward to cater for situations.
Customers can purchase cards celebrating divorce anniversaries with friendly greetings such as "Fu...
Sarah Palin and family move up on Americans got talent
Sarah Palin, her husband, Arsewipe, their oldest daughter, Easy, and Mrs. Palin's maiden sister, Uptight, moved up to the next level of competition on Americans Got Talent during last night's broadcast.
The former Alaskan governor, and sometime...
The Plastic Thing Once Known As Joan Rivers Still Feuding With Tonight Show
Friends of The Plastic Thing Once Known As Joan Rivers say she is still feuding with late show host, Johnny Carson, even after his death.
Apparently back in 1986 Joan Rivers landed her own talk show on television and Johnny Carson banned her from...
British Bomb Sends LaGuardia Passengers Packing
NEW YORK (CNN) -- One man is in custody after LaGuardia Airport's Central Terminal was evacuated early Saturday morning.
Flights were not allowed to take off or land at the airport while city police bomb technicians investigated the man's bag, acc...
The USS Michael Jackson Sets Sail Towards North Korea
BOSTON - The newly commissioned state-of-the-art United States naval aircraft carrier The USS Michael Jackson has set sail from its home port of Boston towards the Pacific Ocean waters off of the coast of North Korea.
At first the Department of th...
Adam Lambert Feeds Deadly Fruit Salad to Horses
SAN DIEGO, CA - More than 20 horses were poisoned with toxic leaves in Southern California this week, said authorities.
Sources indicate spoof writer Cream of BuckwheatsCrack sent the San Francisco Onion a fruit basket interspersed with oleander l...
Auto Maker May Drive Up Traffic Fatalities
TORRANCE, CA - An additional 440,000 vehicles are being added to a November recall to repair a potential defect in airbag inflation systems, said the Hond-America Motor Company Friday.
The recall includes driver-side airbags in some 2001-02 Hond-...
Snuff Film Starring Michael Jackson Surfaces
New York, NY-- A grainy, disturbing snuff film of Michael Jackson has surfaced in a New York City bar. The ten-minute film shows the King of Pop being smothered by 1,000's of creme pies thrown by dozens of clowns, while music from 'Thriller' plays i...
The Taser Trolleys
People shopping in a Supermarket in Dumfries in Scotland have been getting shocks from the supermarkets trolleys.
One of the shoppers we spoke to Walter Watt said "People have been getting electric shocks of these trolleys for weeks and the manag...
"New Moon" Threesome Stirs Up Press Panel
HOLLYWOOD, CA - At a New Moon press panel this week, the Twilight stars were asked what question they never wanted to answer again. Robert Pattinson smirked and replied, "What's it like kissing Taylor Lautner."
Co-stars Lautner and Kristen Stewar...
Scotland's other National Drink Stink
Everybody knows that Scotland's National Drink is whisky, but in Scotland there is a drink that is referred to as Scotland's other national drink a soft drink called Iron Bru.
If you go anywhere in the world the top selling soft drink is cola but...
Nikki Reed's Mom Has a Beard and Bushy Eyebrows!
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Just what is it that attracts millions of girls to Twilight star Robert Pattinson? Could it be his chiseled face, or the hair that looks like has just woken up from a long winter's nap? Maybe even his tight-lipped grin?
According...
More Spoof Media Spin Discovered
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Your story has gone for editorial checking and should be published within the next couple of hours.
"That's right," ranted one spoof writer, spraying his computer screen with spittle for the fourth time this week. "It should...
Michael Jackson Sets New World Record
Preliminary counts indicate Michael Jackson will most likely be crowned the King of Prescriptions, according to an attorney in the case surrounding the singer's death.
Omar Arnold is one of 19,458 aliases listed in the warrant used by the LAPD and...
Michael Jackson Halloween Masks Go On Sale
Los Angeles, CA-- Halloween is only three months away and there is an item everyone will want to have. The hideous mask is very scary. It is the Michael Jackson Halloween costume, and it comes in three varieties.
The first Halloween costume is...
"Blue Eagle" Democrats Fail to Deliver US Postal Service to Oval Office
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Neither rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night stayed a House committee from moving President Obama's health care plans one step closer to congressional approval with the passage of key legislation Friday.
The check is in the mail;...
Disney Presents Animation Deal to US Pentagon
EMERYVILLE, CA - Today, president Donald Disney of SliXar Animation Studios, a CGI production company based in Emeryville, California, contacted the U.S. Pentagon about producing a series of animated shorts featuring Air Force One.
This follows th...
Momma and the Obamas Debut Album Breaks All Records
President Barack Obama, his wife, Michelle, and their two daughters, Malia Ann and Natasha ("Sasha"), announced they had formed a new hip hop band, The Momma and the Obamas, and released their début album, Sashaying over White Republican Corpses &cop...
Newcastle United Fans To Wear Sir Bobby Robson Masks As Mark Of Respect
The sad news that greeted fooball fans the world over this week, was that the former England manager Sir Bobby Robson had lost his battle with cancer, and had died at the age of 76.
Sir Bobby, who also managed Ipswich Town and Newcastle United, wa...
QE II Says Sihk' Em!
LONDON, ENGLAND Queen Elizabeth II has finally caved to pressure from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and switched from bearskin hats to silk turbans for headgear outside Buckingham Palace, where Sikh soldiers have begun guarding the mon...
Soccer Shown to be More Passionate than American Football
Seattle WA: Professional Soccer is now being played in this city. "The Spoof" being basically a British (don't see any French do you) publication, it is a rather delicate matter to rationally discuss Soccer verses American Football. Both Soccer and A...
The Pervert's Proposition
How Long Can I Make Love? (Sonnet 69)
by Elizabeth Bare-Assed Brown-Eye
How long can I make love? Let me count the days.
I'll make love to the depth and width and height
My **** can reach, while being out of sight
And the hopes of being on your face.
I'll make love to the level of each way's
Des'prate need, by sun and candle-light.
I'll make love on the freeway: you d...
Did the White House Use the "Beer Summit" as a Dry Run for Middle East Peace Talks?
Washington, D.C. - Allowed only a few minutes to take their photos across the White House lawn with telescope lenses and no audio, the media peering behind their cameras appeared to be the only ones wearing President Barack Obama's beer goggles at th...
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