Spoof news stories from Thursday 5 June 2008
Solar System "Really Boring", Astronomer Says
A new paper published in the journal Science by astronomers from the National Cosmological Center concludes that our solar system really isn't that interesting.
Rush Is On To Open 'New Tribe' Restaurant
New York, NY - In the wake of the startling discovery in the Brazilian rainforest of what may be the last uncontacted indigenous tribe, a consortium of Manhattan restaurant owners is hoping to base a new dining spot on the tribe's native cuisine.
Research links Titanic deaths and shopping
Documents found today which had laid undiscovered in a box room in the British Library for over 90 years revealed that deaths on the Titanic could have been drastically reduced had there been no shops on board.
Gallaghers In Another Brawl
Oasis frontmen Liam and Noel Gallagher were last night, caught up in a backstage brawl after yesterdays Brit Awards.
Brangelina To Adopt Ed Mcmahon
Hollywood, CA - Having heard that former Carson sidekick and mail-order contest icon Ed Mcmahon is in danger of having his Beverly Hills home foreclosed on, actress Angelina Jolie and husband Brad Pitt have agreed to adopt the octogenarian celebrity.
New Lift for Deano!
Wembley hero Dean Windass, 70 next week, has been given a massive endorsement by Hull City with regards to his future at the club. The Tigers have announced today that they intend to invest a substantial part of their £60 million Premier League cash...
Bill Gates to own TheSpoof.com
Multimillionaire Bill Gates, the owner of Microsoft, is planning to own the blockbuster site TheSpoof.com.
UFO spotted rising from Buckingham Palace lake
London - (Extraterrestrial Mess): A metallic saucer-shaped object was spotted at dawn today rising from the lake in Buckingham Palace's grounds, believed by many to be a hangar for Europe's secret subterranean UFO HQ.
Pope Benedictus XVI to guest host Saturday Night Live
The Holy Father of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedictus XVI (Joseph Ratzinger) will be the guest host on Saturday Night Live it was announced today.
Paul McCartney's Favourite 10 Songs
In another pointless interview to keep himself in the news, Sir Paul McCartney today revealed his favourite ten songs.
New Babyshambles album massive hit with junkies
The new album, "Prick a Little Sniff a Little," recently released by Rock band Babyshambles, is proving to be an explosive hit with junkies and crackheads the world over.
15 Year Old Appointed Chelsea Manager
Alex Hinsley has been announced as the replacement for Avram Grant.
Noel Gallagher Leaves Oasis
Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher has left the band following an argument with his brother, Liam.
Time Warp Revealed At Wimbledon
In a surprise announcement, scientists today announced that the tennis complex in Wimbledon, South-West London, actually goes into a giant time warp every summer.
Speaking from his lab, Dr. Jekyll, chronologist and amateur medicine-mixer, said: 'W...
New Fusion Café Opens
Baltimore Maryland: A new fusion café, Café Booty, opened tonight in the Federal Hill section of downtown Baltimore.
McCain Considers Martin Sheen for V.P. Slot
(Geezer, AZ) - The John McCain campaign today released the initial list of Vice Presidential candidates they are considering, and along with the usual suspects you might expect came a few names you might not, including actor Martin Sheen (The...
Summit Of Interest
World leaders meeting at the 2008 G8 summit in Kyoto will be faced with a mass rally of people with nothing very interesting to say.
New U.S. Airline Industry Strategy Will Save BILLIONS!
Kittyhawk, NC (Plane Truth) - Something had to be done. Airlines have struggled for decades to stay in the air in the face of increased production costs, stiff competition in the dog-fight aviation business, and, don't we all kno...
Jolie confidants: 'ET' knew twins source anonymous
NEW YORK (AP) -- "Entertainment Tonight" aired a story about the birth of Angelina Jolie's twins despite being repeatedly told beforehand that the anonymous report was based on anonymous information from an anonymous person impersonatin...
B&B Profits Tumble
A bed and breakfast in Scarborough has seen its profits fall drastically, despite B&B's being traditionally seen as licenses to print money.
Ronaldo Complains About Endless Diving Articles
Manchester United and Portugal striker Cristiano Ronaldo today made an official complaint about the seemingly endless jibes about him diving in the sports section of TheSpoof.com.
FIFA Amazingly Clear Capello Of Cheating
Fabio Capello, who is an Italian and comes from a country that has been proven to cheat, dive, play-act, bribe referee's and endless other corruption rackets, has been cleared by FIFA for cheating.
Linkin Park singer to receive Grammy Award for Best Opera Recording
If popular rumours are to be believed, Linkin Park lead singer Chester Bennington may soon be on his way to receive his first ever Grammy for the 'Best Opera Recording' category.
Bardot Fined For Eating Animals No-one Else Does
The European Court of Whateveritis has fined former actress Brigitte Bardot for eating animals that no-one else does.
The True Story of Matilda Who Took Me Money
In 1920 a girl was born in the Yukpa village of Kanowapa in the jungles of Venezuela near the border with Colombia. The Yukpa are tribe of Carib Indians, who believe in a Land of the Dead separated by a wide river from the Land of the Living. To pass into the Land of the Dead, the soul must pass through a dangerous forest and be interrogated by the Frog Woman. Evil souls get consumed by wild anima...
Major US Airlines Unveil New Plan
O'Hare Airport, Chicago IL - Executives from all major US airlines emerged from a closed door meeting, having agreed on a plan to cease mergers and increase their passenger carrying capacity.
Glasgow College of Inventing Silly Names Opens
Today the Glasgow College of Inventing Silly Names opened.
Transport for London announce new tube line for tourists only
Work is about to begin on London's new tube line due to open in Spring 2012. However the new line is somewhat different to existing lines such as the Northern, Central and Bakerloo, in as much as it is for use by tourists only and will include ma...
Dwain Chambers In 'Third Leg Shock'
Dwain Chambers, the British sprinter, is this morning involved in another cheating scandal after it was revealed the drugs cheat had tried to gain an unfair advantage over other competitors by growing a '...
Time Traveller Reports On Hillary
A time traveller has returned from the year 2038, and reports that Hillary Clinton is still touring America and refusing to concede defeat to Barack Obama.
Winehouse Set To Headline Annual Silly Season
With millions engrossed in Euro 2008, Vain celebrity's are looking to the start of the Silly Season to keep them in the public eye.
Film Hell
News has reached us from the Seventh circle of Hades, that Satan has Sister Acts I and II, the remake of Get Carter, and An Inconvenient Truth on a permanent loop.
Barack Obama the long lost nephew of Robert Mugabe
Zimbabwe International Library (Rioters) It was just yesterday that an important factbook was unearthed in this famous books outnumbered by comics library. The book was dated in 1920s and contains entries of genealogical importance.
Traffic Wardens to go to war!
In response to recent criticism over soldiers pay, the government has announced plans to deploy traffic wardens into the worlds trouble spots such as Iraq.
England v. Trinidad & Tobago Match To Be Replayed
Fabio Capello has been punished by FIFA officials after they decided he used too many substitutes in last weekend's game against Trinidad & Tobago. The game, which England won 3-0, has now been d...
Hillary Clinton And Barack Obama To Unite As Unique Double Act
Bitter Democratic Party rivals Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are to join forces and fight the Republican Party in next year's Presidential campaign as a unique double act, says a leaked memo.
Triassic was best
A recent poll conducted among healthcare professionals suggests that the Triassic period may well have provided the most beneficial living conditions known to man.
Burma allows aid into country, through Shwe's palace
In a move that has come as a surprise to the international community, the Burmese government has said it is now willing to allow all aid into the country, provided everything, down to the last grain of rice is routed through Senior General Than Shwe&...
The ONLY Virgin in France Lied!
French media is exploding with the story of a Muslim couple in Paris who are in the midst of divorce proceeding because the young bride lied to her husband about her virginity.
Alcohol Drug Pushers Promote Their Product's Contribution to Longevity and Protection from Heart Disease and Arthritis!
Most people think of the liquor salesman as just a curbstone up from the guttersnipe that sells crack cocaine. But latest medical studies have elevated this addictive drug entrepreneur to the heights of a healing shaman. The studies report that alcoh...
Criminals are stupid people
I was watching an episode of COPS last week. The cop pulled this guy over for having a headlight out. The cop asks the man, "do you mind if we search your vehicle?"...
AskFrFred44Giveness: Can I be forgiven for wanting women priests?
Dear FF4F, First off I would like to say how much a claustrophobic like myself and no doubt countless others who could not stand it in the closet, er, I mean, the confessional box appreciate your online confessional. It has made my participation in the Sacrament so much more convenient.
Comedy Writers to Obama: "Please step on your dick!"
(La La Land, CA) - Hard on the heels of Senator Barack Obama's securing of the Democratic nomination, a group of comedy writers from across the globe have formed a coalition imploring the Senator to do something they can make fun of.
Viagra causes "cock" fight
Words were exchanged and fists flew as two men waiting to be treated for Priapism began fighting over who would be examined first.
Daniel Radcliffe To Star in Miami Vice Remake
Miami Vice was a popular television show from 1984 to 1990. It was remade as an unsuccessful theatrical movie in 2006. Hollywood has decided to recast the series and make it as a television movie. If it is successful, it will also be a possible pi...
Obama Rushes to Kennedy's Side
Barack Obama took a private jet to North Carolina late last night after declaring that he had clinched the Democratic nomination. With the presidential primaries essentially out of the way, Obama hurried to the bedside of Ted Kennedy. Kennedy has bee...
New Group Launches Anorexia Support Campaign
For many years, persons suffering from Anorexia Nervosa (95% female) have had to live with the stigma of being labeled as "too skinny" or "emaciated." Members of this group have suffered depression due to their looks and feelings...
U.S. Air Carriers Will Slash Everything to Remain Flying-Public Outraged! Bush in Hiding!
It's finally happened. U.S. air carriers, pushed to financial ruin, are cutting back more than ever on everything for the flier, while raising prices wherever and whenever they can.
President Bush Farts - Head Shrinks Three Inches
Washington DC - Officials here reported that after farting, President Bush's head shrank at least three inches, causing many Americans to state "that explains a lot."...
Chicago a Contender for 2016 Olympics
For the 2016 Olympics Chicago, Illinois has been selected as one of the four finalist cities. Chicago is an obvious choice for the Olympics because of it's high murder and crime rate as well as an overall ghetto feeling.
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