Spoof news stories from Wednesday 11 June 2008
Nintendo saves the verb
Verbs, those 'doing words' shunned by couch potatoes and politicians alike, have been rescued from extinction by the advent of the Nintendo Wii (or Wi-aye as they are known in Newcastle).
Manchester City Ban Blue Moon
Manchester City football club today announced to their long suffering fans, the singing of the song blue moon has been banned from their ground. Once and for all. The song which is said by many to be the only thing that has kept them together and st...
Tila Tequila named John McCain's running mate
In a move that had many Washington insiders scratching their heads Sen John McCain named Tila Tequila as his running mate for the 2008 election.
Former President Jimmy Carter Speaks Before an Entenmann's Cake
Jimmy Carter addressed several friends and a guy who was looking for nails at a local Home Depot today and made it official: he will endorse Barack Obama for president.
Giant Floating Turds to Blame for Beached Dolphins
Marine biologists at Exeter University are developing a new theory for the mass beaching and subsequent deaths of Dolphins off the coast of Falmouth earlier this week. Scientists now suspect a flotilla of faeces discharged from a facility in Southam...
Smurfs to make Blue Movie
Belgium is determined to put itself in the limelight next year by being Oscar Nominated for an Oscar for a film that does not feature 'The muscles from Brussels', actor, Jean-Clau...
Man Jailed For Binning Stray Cat
Amicable pensioner Mr Albert Potwhistle was today horrified to find himself thrown into jail with the likes of Ian Huntley for binning a dead cat he found in the gutter near his home.
Warnings against panic cause panic, warn panic-merchants
Panic-merchants today in the Daily Telegraph warned that asking the public not to panic will only cause mass panic. The warning comes ahead of a planned panic by large sections of the public who haven't had the opportunity to panic since the last ma...
Amy Winehouse Is Amy Winehouse
Amy Winehouse is actually Amy Winehouse, a shock report revealed today. Speaking from her house in Aimes, Ms. Winehouse said: 'Yes, I am Amy Winehouse. My first name is Amy, and my second one is Winehouse.'...
George Bush's Latest Speech
'My fellow Pelmanians. This is not about Friday, or about thirsty, or even about demotractic partings of the Red menacings - it's about them Burger Kingings.'...
I will bed X-Factor host says BB chairman
Sensational chairman of Bradford and Bingley building society Reg Cashister says he will not be happy until he has thrown a bed at Simon Cowell for a whole host of dire programmes such as Britain's Got Tarrant an...
Understanding Your MP
With a general election soon to be in the offing, when the run-up begins, you are bound to receive a visit to your door from at least one MP. Here is a definitive guide to what they say and mean.
Big Brother Alex Shown Disrepect
Big Brother, the TV reality show was wallowing in a new controversy today after Alexandra de-Gale alleged she had been disrespected by other housemates specifically, and white people in general.
Former American King To Leave Palace
America's former king, George H Bush, will shortly leave his Washington DC palace complex, after 19 years of occupance.
Hull City Sign Wonderkid
The ever expanding squad of players being assembled at the Casey Jones stadium has increased by one more today with the arrival of former South Park junior, Mr Eric Cartman.
Bush Says No Regrets About Iraq; Dead Feel Somewhat Different
(Meseberg, Germany) - President Bush today, while visiting "main squeeze" Angela "Angel-A" Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, let everyone know that he was as happy as a clam about the Iraq War, while sending a message to Iran that &q...
British Regional Accents Abolished
As from today, the Labour government has made British regional accents illegal. All speaking in silly dialects will be oot the windae, tha knaws, and if ya dinnae like it then it's a Weegie kiss from Glesgae, ya bam.
New Shakespeare Play Opens
A new until-now undiscovered play by William Shakespeare will be opening soon in London, at the Flea Market and Hamsterdam Theatre. 'A Tale Of Two Xerox Machines' will be performed by a cast from the Royal Shakespeare Company, and will featur...
Lots of Girls join Aussie Farms
Traditionally a male domain, vast Cattle ranches in the Australian Outback are being inundated by record numbers of job-seeking girls from all over the World. Ranch owners are facing acute recruitment problems because so many 'Co...
Tobacco manufacturers vindicated as throat cancer blamed on oral sex
London - (20-a-day Mess): British Imperial Cancer Industries are feeling very pleased with themselves after successfully hiring Dr Andrew Wakefield-type quacks to blame throat cancer on dodgy oral sex practices.
Blind Fish Monger Discovers New Species
St. John's, Newfoundland - Varick Pilgrim, a sixty-two year old blind fish monger stumbled into a the local Nude Lesbian Association (NLA) convention and claims to have discovered a new fish species.
Prince Jefri Archer behind Brink's-Mat bullion heist
London - (Michail Gorbachev Mess): Top Brunei mobster Prince Jefri Archer has been branded an ex-KGB/Mossad double agent whose hand-picked gang robbed Brink's-Mat of twenty tonnes of gold bullion in 1983.
Britney Spears has Camel Toe Incident
Retired singing sensation and pop legend Britney "empty pram" Spears has been involved in a minor incident with a camel whilst visiting a Zoo. Miss Spears who was knitting for relaxation as she strolled the zoo grounds was seen to trip and...
Bob Dylan Artwork REALLY IS His Own Work
More than 200 paintings in an exhibition at the Halcyon Gallery in London's Mayfair, really are the work of music legend Bob Dylan, according to the singer's agent.
Stonehenge has been Pilfered!
Police received an anonymous phone call today to say that Stonehenge, the ancient site, has been stolen. Upon inspection it was found that Stonehenge had indeed been pilfered.
Cristiano Ronaldo, Vanessa Hudgens and Britney Spears Vagina Included In Story In Cynical Attempt To Score Points
In a shock move, a writer has written a story containing the names of Cristiano Ronaldo, Vanessa Hudgens and Britney Spears in a callous attempt to boost his points total on satirical news website TheSpoof.com.
Dolphins Arrested After Lounging About On Beach
A school of dolphins found lounging about on a picturesque beach in Cornwall have been arrested by police and charged with being environmentally unfriendly. If convicted, the maximum sentence is death
Hillary the Flower Child?
Washington - Faded and worn Polaroid pictures dated June 1964 show a young Hillary Rodham, complete with tie dye top, bell bottom jeans and a flower crown, cajoling with a group of friends in Haight-Ashbury. Oh, and let's not forget to mention t...
Horseshoe Crabs: Latest Terrible STD!
Limulus Polyphemus or Horseshoe crab has been on earth much longer than the dinosaur and fossils found in Manitoba, Canada suggest that the odd creature has not changed for 446 million years. The one-eyed (thus Homer's Cyclops, Polyphemus) round...
Amy Crackhouse Stars in British History X
Amy Winehouse, who officially changed her name to Crackhouse so she could give her name and address all at once, has always been a fan of Edward Norton's compelling performance in the racially charged American History X. Now, Crackhouse has launc...
Airlines to cut costs with recycling
Reno, Nevada (Faux News) - Airline industry executives from several major carriers concluded a three day conference in Reno, Nevada. The purpose of the conference was to address the growing travel crisis fueled largely by the high cost of jet fuel.
Senator John McCain denies suffering from Alzheimer's
71-year-old Arizona senator John McCain firmly denied today that he is suffering from dementia and may be in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease.
Hummer H2O Announced
The ASBO vehicle manufacturer Hummer has announced their new 'climate friendly' vehicle today. Unusually for the manufacturer, the only emission from this vehicle will be water.
A Conversation between President Clinton and Vice President Gore
Washington DC, June 11, 2008: An old beat up audio tape recording has been found under the carpet in the oval office of the White House. The tape had been there since November 2000 but was constantly overlooked, as the current occupant spends most of his time in Dick Cheney's office. The recorded conversation is between President Clinton and Vice President Gore discussing the upcoming preside...
UFO Press Conference - What We Don't Know Part 2
Roswell - As literally thousands of journalist, networks and on-lookers gathered at the now publicly open Area 51, eagerly anticipating the next, and most significant press conference in these chain of events, the mood was at a fever pitch. It was announced last week that the press conference would include the appearance of one of the extra terrestrials for a full question and answer period.
Bush Talks Up dollar as He Heads for Euro!
President Bush who has presided over more failures than any American President or Chicago Cub manager delivered an almost comprehensible speech praising the hidden strength of the US dollar.
Red Augmented Breasted Barn Swallows Get All the Girls!
Researchers from U of Colorado, Princeton and Sun devil ASU captured male barn swallows in New Jersey before the mating season. They then took a red magic marker and enhanced the males' chests. Apparently female barn swallows get really hot for r...
Bush reveals plan to steal Oval Office rug
President Bush Monday announced his plan to take the carpet in the Oval Office with him.
Gay Unions Teach Breeders How to Get Along!
Marriage counselors and relationship psychologists are studying with shock and awe the phenomenon of gay marriage. All recent findings contradict the stereotype of short-lived and domestically violent gay relationships.
Nick Hogan marries cell mate
More details have emerged concerning Hulk Hogan's son Nick and his current jail sentence. According to a statement released from the jail where Nick Hogan is being held Nick and his cell mate had a private ceremony this past weekend where the two...
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