Spoof news stories from Wednesday 16 May 2007
Prince Harry Shock Limb Hack!
In a bizarre accident, Prince Harry has chopped his left hand off with an axe.
Giuliani was Mayor on 9/11
The question on everyone's mind since September the 11th has been: Who was that courageous mayor that saved the city? No one had taken credit for saving New York City in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on the World trade Center Towers. L...
Mitt Romney Spars With John McCain Over Global Warming
Mitt Romney today challenged John McCain to a one-on-one debate over global warming.
Falwell Reincarnated as Aborted Fetus
In an unprecedented an ironic turn of spiritual events, Jerry Falwell, the recently deceased creator of The Moral Majority and fanatic anti-abortion activist, was reincarnated as the aborted fetus of a crack head, unwed prostitute from Newark, New Je...
Tories Abandon Support For Grammars
Leading Conservative backbenchers have announced they are withdrawing their support for the grammar school system. This comes as a huge shock considering the overwhelming middle class support for the system. In order to allay fears the following sh...
Ant and Dec 2.0
This week ITV1 announced a new show to be broadcast next month, in which thousands of contestants are chosen in front of a celebrity panel of judges, to find the next Ant and Dec.
Lindsay Lohan's Breast Falls Out of Bikini
Lindsay Lohan, tired of being out of the news and wanting to promote her new movie, Georgia Rule, has had a recent "nip slip" while vacationing in the Caribbean. The young actress, who has tried to be as big a party girl as Paris and Britney, laughe...
Did Kellie Pickler Have Breast Augmentation Surgery?
Last month, when American Idol runner-up appeared on American television's top rated show, the changes were enormous. She sidestepped questions, however, about whether or not she had gone through breast augmentation surgery.
Yesterday, she appe...
Feline hater is top suspect in Las Cruces 83 cat inferno
Las Cruces, New Mexico - (Ass Mess): Somebody in Las Cruces sure hates felines. Loathes and detests them enough to ensure that eighty three of the wee little fellers housed in a couple of run down vans suddenly fried alive when an electrical 'ac...
McDonalds serves up a Happy Bag pot burger to 8 year old
Ottawa, Illinois - (Ass Mess): McDonalds has market tested its wholesome organically-grown new pot bruger Happy Meals on an eight year old who received a lighter, a pipe, and bag of weed in her lunch bag according to Ottawa Police Chief Brian Zeilman...
Falwell's Flock Follows Ted Haggard to New Church
In the event of Jerry Falwell's death, many of his followers have decided to follow Ted Haggard to his new 'Church of the Unbiased Pious.'...
Lindsay Lohan Voted World's Hottest Chick - beats Britney and Paris
Hollywood, California - The 20-year-old former child star turn serious adult actress has recently completed rehab, survived a video released to the media of her snorting cocaine and rumors of lesbianism only to re-merge as the most hottest chick of t...
Florida Bans 'Early Bird' Dinner Specials: Pensioners Flee in Droves
Minneowakmookookeekee, FL---The Florida Senate today upheld and passed a law proposed by the Florida House, banning restaurants from having "Early Bird Special" buffets. This has come in the wake of statewide violence amongst octogenarians...
Blair to Attend Sleepover at White House
WASHINGTON D.C. (AP Newsliar) -- President Bush has invited British Prime Minister Tony Blair over to the White House for a sleepover this evening, a White House spokesperson disclosed today.
Top UK Professor Reveals 'Nothing Really Exists!'
After a week long study, top UK Scientist, Dalek and ex front man of the modern glam rock band 'The Darkness' Professor Squawking, sensationally revealed 'nothing really exists'...
Cheney to take Gonzales "hunting"
In what is interpreted by many as the curtain call for Alberto Gonzales, the AG has been invited to go quail hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney this month.
Allardyce Sends Out For A Dictionary
Sam Allardyce, the former Bolton Wanderers manager, was yesterday unveiled as the new boss at Newcastle United, who have been perennial under-achievers. Big Sam, as he is known, goes to St James Park...
Empire or Republic: How Did It Come to This?
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - The United States of America - Today, the Evil Empire issued orders that everyone must now wear Darth Vader masks or be declared illegal enemy combatants. President Bush made this decision because he's the decider.
Scientists discover anti-abortionist genome
London - (Ass Mess): Scientists working in the National Poisons Unit special DNA branch have made a breakthrough in the quest to identify the genome responsible for producing anti-abortionists.
Bill Gates Still Not Running for President
Bill Gates continues to deny rumors that he will enter the 2008 race for President. Earlier hints that New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg might run prompted speculation that Gates would enter the race.
Construction Continues on Bush Monument to Self
Washington, DC -- Construction continues on the George W. Bush Monument and Triumphal Arch, and is still slated for completion January 20, 2009. The monument was suggested by Bush a year ago, and, with his backing, was approved and signed into law.
Working alongside Falwell 'exciting' say Corrupt Bastards Club
Alaska - (Ass Mess): The Corrupt Bastards Club issued its personal eulogy to the Reverend Jerry Falwell who died yesterday aged 73.
President Bush Declares War on Flowers
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington, D.C. - Today, President Bush declared a War on Flowers. President Bush made this announcement after learning that poppy fields are on the front line in Afghanistan.
Barack Obama to Wed Chelsea Clinton; Hillary Not Mad
Barack Obama will wed Chelsea Clinton this fall, according to a formal statement issued by David Plouffe, Obama's campaign manager. The Washington press corps was all abuzz this week with rumors about the surprising romantic pairing.
TheSpoof.com owes a debt to Jerry Falwell
In November 1983, Larry Flynt's pornographic magazine Hustler carried a parody of a Campari ad, featuring a fake interview with Falwell in which he admits that his "first time" was incest with his mother in an outhouse while drunk.
Corrupt Bastards Club in freefall as lobbyist busted
Anchorage - (Ass Mess): A seventh member of the Corrupt Bastards Club has been arrested in a FBI probe centered on VECO scams to bribe politicians and related underlings that has seen ex-State legislators and oil industry executives indicted on assor...
Bush Intervenes Over Evesdropping
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - In March 2004, President George W. Bush intervened to avert a "crisis" over the National Security Agency's domestic eavesdropping program after Director Robert S. Mueller III of the F.B.I, Attorney General John As...
Candyland Volcano Erupts: Residents Evacuated
Nostalgia, Candyland -- Long-smouldering Mount Jimmy erupted in Candyland today, imperiling the surrounding village of Lollipop Woods, which had to be evacuated. Mt. Jimmy spewed forth a rain of toxic jimmies on Lollipop Woods and set fire to many o...
Republicans Turn to No Collar Crime
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - West Virginia - Republicans in West Virginia have turned to No-Collar crime performing acts that are usually perpetrated by men in t-shirts. An armed man robbed a gas station and drove away in his Mercedes Benz. As the man dr...
CBS to Release Newest CSI Installment
Hollywood, CA -- CBS today announced it will launch another CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) spin-off. This time the popular, self-spawning show will take place in Brazil. Get ready for "CSI: Rio de Janeiro".
Altar boy caught bashing his Bishop!
New York - ASS-Press: - A youth has been detained following an altercation at All Saints Church, New York.
Bad day for the Devil as Jerry Falwell gets sent down
Extremist Jerry Falwell, the controversial homophobic arsehole and evangelical lunatic has died of a heart attack. "Good bloody riddance" said the Reverend Ian Paisley. "He will burn in ever lasting flame for his twist...
LA church sale to fund sex claims, Vatican next?
The Roman Catholic archbishop of Los Angeles has said his archdiocese will sell its main orifice to raise money to settle lawsuits for sexual abuse.
Mourin-Ho tested for rabies
London - (Ass Mess): Chelsea coach Jose Mourin-Ho was quarantined by London police last night after breaking out in a rabid fit while being arrested for smuggling his dotty pooch into the country without the usual quarantine formalities to determine...
Forget chicken stock cubes: Gordon Ramsay reveals secret culinary ingredient
London - (Ass Mess): Celebrity London restaurateur Gordon Ramsay has revealed the success secrets behind his three Michelin stars following an industry controversy over Marco Pierre White's admission that he flavors his dishes with the humble Kno...
Mourinho to play in FA Cup Final
Chelsea FC's Manager, Jose Mourinho, claims the club's injury problems are so bad he will consider playing as a striker for the FA Cup final on Saturday.
Light Sabres to be issued to non-Jedi Police, Jedi Council in uproar!
London, ASS - Press: - More police officers are to be armed with Light Sabres under plans revealed by the Home Secretary.
CompUSA's Family Replacement Plan
CompUSA, the place where people shop for technology has been selling replacement plans for many of the technological products that they sell.
Neil Warnock Sacked - Announces Wedding Plans
Neil Warnock, the Sheffield United manager has been sacked by the club in the wake of their relegation from the Premiership. The news was announced this morning on the Blades' website, but there...
Republican Women "Sell All" for War Effort
The support group Republican Women for a Perfect World, vowed today to aid George Bush's war chest by conducting bake sales, craft shows and other fund raisers and donating all the proceeds to the President.
Air Tax Soon to be put in Place
U.S. Congress has advised the citizens of the U.S. that a new tax is in the works and will begin immediately. Rep. Rich Mann stated that this new tax should bring forth extra money needed to expand military needs and allow Congress members to receive...
Jerry Falwell Meets His Maker
Lynchburg Tenn., Liberty University. The Reverend Jerry Falwell was discovered collapsed on the floor at Liberty University today. Attempts to revive the Reverend failed and it is presumed Falwell succumbed to heart failure. Falwell has had a past...
The Boy That Found the 'Reverand' J. Falwell
The so called 'Reverand' Jerry Falwell fell to his death today while working on 'moral issues' in his office. When he didn't appear for his pep rally to increase the legal age of consent to 28 - especially for residents of Louisia...
American Pie Hits Middle Age
Due in theaters nationwide by the end of this summer, the latest installment in the American Pie film saga deals with a sensitive issue facing many middle aged men - Erectile Dysfunction.
Teletubbies sought for Questioning in Rev. Jerry Falwell's Death
Lynchburg, Virginia - Police have just reopened the Falwell death case, ruling it death under suspicious circumstances instead of by natural causes as first reported after the Teletubbies were seen in the vicinity just hours before the internationall...
9/11 Tony nods for Spring awakening
Drowning Street - (Ass Mess): There comes a time in every Prime Monster's life when he, possibly she, realises the game's up and the biggest poker bluff of modern history is about to be called in a Rite of Spring reawakening that makes a bibl...
George Bush Gives Secret Service New Uniforms
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Today, President George Bush gave his Secret Service new uniforms. Based on Hitler's Nazi SS uniforms, he expects them to be a big hit, especially with Jewish Americans and Prince Harry.
Bush 98% Monkey
Scientists in a lab somewhere, claim findings with extensive research that George W Bush (of America) is 98% Monkey. One expert said, "Yep, it's true".
J.K. Rowling says she may do an Eighth Harry Potter
London, England - In an apparent response to the news announced just days ago in a story in TheSpoof.com that Christopher Tolkien and Paul Jackson are teaming up, J.K. Rowling's announced today she too would be doing yet another Harry Potter book...
Teachers Upset Saltpeter Put In Their Food
For many years, private schools and boarding schools were accused of putting saltpeter (Potassium Nitrate) in the food of their male students to keep down their sex drive. With the recent increase in numbers of teachers sleeping with or molesting st...
New Home Pregnancy Sex Test Has Anti-Abortionists Up In Arms
A new home pregnancy test that helps identify the gender of the baby within six weeks of conception has anti-abortionists up in arms. This test turns pink or blue to tell you if the child is a boy or a girl, not if you are pregnant.
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