Spoof news stories from Wednesday 6 June 2007
Congressman William Jefferson Claims Innocence
Congressman, William Jefferson Dem. Louisiana has been indicted Monday on federal charges of money-laundering, racketeering, obstruction of justice, wire fraud and soliciting more than $500,000 in bribes connected with African business deals.
Pre-Creationist lost civilization found at bottom of Lake Okeechobee
Miami, Florida - (Ass Mess): Archaeologists believe they have found a pre-Creationist era lost civilization at the bottom of Lake Okeechobee after a state-wide Florida drought caused virtually total evaporation of its waters and exposed a massive wea...
Capitol Hill uproar at Jefferson's corruption charges
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Latest Corrupt Bastards Club recruit Representative William Jefferson has caused a furor to break out on Capitol Hill after being indicted with 16 federal charges of bribery involving businessmen and foreign officials.
Paris says 'Big Bertha' to get Nicole Richie
Although reports that Paris Hilton has been photographing herself all day while in prison are true, there's NO truth that she's been promised to 'Big Bertha'.
Prehistoric Iceman "Otzi" Murdered
The oldest mummy ever unearthed appears to be the victim of murder. An autopsy reveals that Italy's famed prehistoric iceman "Otzi" died from a shoulder wound inflicted by an arrow. The 5000 year old body was found in the Italian Alps i...
Gates admits 'Revenge' against cop
Bill Gates has admitted for the first time that he still holds resentment against the traffic policeman that arrested him for speeding. And that was in 1978!...
Unemployed Mechanic Jumps Pope
An unemployed mechanic jumped on the Pope's Pope Mobile in an effort to secure the servicing tender. Fourteen Cardinals drew their Glock 33-shot semi-automatics and wrestled the man to the sacred ground.
Dalai Lama Enlightenments in Perth
The Dalai Lama teleported into Perth, Western Australia yesterday. Swathed in a sheet and with his hands in a frozen clasp, he proceeded to the luxury Burswood Hotel/Casino.
New sub-species of ned found
Today in a run-down Glasgow suburb, a never-seen-before species of ned was discovered.
Cal-el Can't Afford to Bathe Anymore
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Ripley, West Virginia - Bush Administration officials, in an effort to silence TheSpoof.com reporter, Cal-el, raised water utility rates by 24.9% to all of West Virginia. This comes after a series of articles that Cal Jennings...
Putin calls Bush an Imperialist Dictator!
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Prague - In a meeting with Russian leadership two days before the "scheduled" meeting in Germany, President Bush addressed the Russian leaders, commenting on their human rights violations.
Judge downsizes pants claim to a mere $54 million
Washington - (Bare Ass Mes): District of Columbia Judge Ron L Pearson has downsized his famous $67 million pants compensation suit to a 'far more reasonable $54 million' after taking account extenuous circumstances.
Removal men arrive at Drowning Street
London - (Ass Mess): Two large pantechnicons arrived outside No 10 Drowning Street this morning as police began reposessing personal artefacts belonging to UK Prime Monster Tony Blair and his gargoyle wife Cherie.
Bailiff tries to reposses Popemobile over unpaid parking tickets
Rome - (Ass Mess): A Rome City bailiff was unsuccessful in his attempt at trying to reposses the Popemobile today following two years of unpaid parking fines and speeding offences in the Via Dolorosa area of the Vatican City.
Ratzinger apoplectic as God's Banker murder suspects acquitted
Rome - (Ass Mess): According to highly reliable law enforcement sources Pope Joseph Ratzinger is said to be shitting himself today as all five suspects in the God's Banker murder trial were acquitted by a Rome jury that is rumored to have been pa...
Women's Prison first to get Five Star Rating since Paris Hilton checked in!
Lynwood, California - Prisoners and the warden all agree, prison conditions at the Century Regional Detention Facility for women in Lynwood, California, have improved greatly since Paris Hilton checked herself in a couple of days ago. It is rumored t...
Djokovic charges into semi
Wimbledon, Wednesday - Novak Djokovic, the sixth seed in this year's French Open men's singles, produced some of the best tennis seen at this year's tournament to see off the brave challenge of Igor Andreev in the quarter finals.
Cheney Pummels Rove, Pardons Libby
Washington, DC (FP) - Vice President Dick B Cheney has apparently found a loophole in the law that allows a Vice President, in a time of war with the President out of country, to pardon anyone who is convicted of a crime.
Dr. John Reid Admits To Being Mystery "Hetero Male" Viewer of BBC's "Any Dream Will Do"
LIVERPOOL, UK - 06/06/07. At GayCon UK, the UK's premiere Gay Conference, guest speaker and affirmed "pink-potter" Dr. John Reid today confirmed that he was the mystery "Hetero Male" viewer of BBC's acclaimed pansy singing...
Tessa Jowell Speaks out on 2012 Olympics Logo
This is an iconic brand that sums up what London 2012 is all about.
Richard Branson In Close Encounter of the Third Kind Hot-Air Balloon Panic
Residents in one area of northern England were in shock last night after, what was initially thought to be a 'Close Encounter of the Third Kind' incident.
The Golden Age of British Media
Channel 4 will show still images of Prices Diana's last moments on TV tonight despite request from Prince William and Price Harry for them to refrain.
Doctors at Lowest Point Ever
In a report out today, statistics show that Doctors' morale is at it's lowest point since records began in 1554.
ExxonMobil to buy US Military for $100 Million-trillion
Oil giant ExxonMobil has agreed to purchase the United States Military for $100 Million-trillion in a combined cash and stock purchase.
Corporate Bidders to Replace Popular Vote in Congressional Elections
Congress has proposed a novel new program which promises to eliminate the National Debt and save Social Security all in one fell swoop.
Mothers to name and shame the various fathers of all their children
Single mothers are to be invited to give the go-ahead to the naming and shaming of all the deadbeat no-hoper dads that they let into their knickers for a quickie behind the kebab van on a Friday night and who fail to support their ch...
Whaling Committee apologises to Israel after linguistic mix up
The president of the World Whaling Committee has today issued a full apology to the nation of Israel after an 'unfortunate misunderstanding' led to Israel being kicked off the list of WWC member nations.
Epileptics Freak At London 2012 Olympic Logo
Epilepsy sufferers have complained to the BBC that the logo for the London 2012 Olympics makes them feel queasy.
Richard Rogers wins Pritzker Prize, sells it online
LOS ANGELES - British architect Richard Rogers has been awarded the 2007 Pritzker Prize, the profession's highest honor. Immediately after winning the award - a $100,000 (US) grant and a bronze medallion - he put it up for sale on a classified a...
John Prescott Diagnosed With Pneumonia
Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott has been placed in a hospital high-dependency ward after it had been diagnosed he is suffering from pneumonia.
Wikipedia launches takover bid for Encylopaedia Britannica
In a move that is sure to change the future of knowledge transfer, Wikipedia has announced it intends to purchase Encyclopaedia Britannica.
Piers Morgan claims "I'm bigger than Jesus"
It is alleged that former tabloid newspaper editor Piers "The photos were real" Morgan has claimed he is bigger than not only the Beckhams, but also Jesus, Muhammad Ali, Gandhi and Mother Theresa all rolled into one.
Lawyer for Paris Hilton speaks out
Expensive lawyer for pampered pooch Paris Hilton, Mike Hunt, said today: "I could have got my client (and new boat) off, if she had just stated in court she was "twaddley-waddley"". Asked what "twaddley-waddley" meant h...
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