Spoof news stories from Tuesday 19 June 2007
Bob Dole Wants To Take Bob Barker's Old Job?
(MUSICMAN PRESS) Former Republican Presidential hopeful, Bob Dole, said yesterday that he would be honored to take Bob Barker's position on The Price Is Right.
Long awaited Dungeons & Dragons Online dragon pack
Hasbro has announced its upcoming DDO Dragon Whelp expansion to coincide with the release of their Magic: The Gathering Online Version 3 upgrade later this year.
Vatican's new 10 driving commandments: no fellating at the wheel
Vatican Shitty - (Ass Mess): In his sternest warning yet to the flock Pope Joseph Ratzinger has addressed road rage and traffic violations. A new set of ten driving commandments starts with a total ban on fellatio at the wheel, especially at road ju...
Thor admits "partial blame" for England flooding chaos
An inquest into the recent "poor handling" of the recent local flooding which was dealing with the local council and the local water authority took a bizarre turn as it received a surprise visit and testimony from the God of Thunder Thor th...
Queen Elizabeth slammed as 'old crone' as Rushdie furor spreads
London - (Ass Mess): The Foreign Office has received an unprecedented stream of complaints from Islamic countries criticising the 'old crone' Queen Elizabeth for knighting Mossad double agent Salman Rushdie for his contributions to fomenting...
Pope Reissues Ten Commandments After Rethink
The Vatican has issued a brand new set of the ten commandments after a "rethink" over the messages contained on the slabs of stone Moses carefully dragged down the mountain after speaking to God.
Disney kicks Muchi Hai out of park
(Tokyo) The first commercial recipient of an implanted cellular telephone, Muchi Hai, was visiting the local Disneyland when staff asked her to leave the park for...
Toilet Paper Law - A Wipe Out?
(Washington) - The Environmental Protection Agency, based on the utterings of pop music diva, Sheryl Crow, has issued new guidelines on the amount of toilet paper Americans may use.
Rosie O'Donnel Eats Three Silverback Gorillas
Hollywood, CA - Television star and and opinionated uber-lesbian Rosie O'Donnel wowed fans as she greedily consumed three male silverback gorillas to protest something or another, though no one could figure out exactly what through the hail of bl...
Kim Jong Il Voted "Sexiest Man Alive" By North Koreans
Pyongyang, North Korea - In an entirely unsurprising vote on Monday, the North Korean people showed their unwavering support for President Kim Jong Il as they unanimously voted him "Sexiest Man Alive" in state-sponsored elections.
Spoof points scandal
Intrepid investigator John Digger has unearthed evidence that the points system on TheSpoof.com is being abused - by the writers themselves.
Jordin Sparks Football Magic!
New Yawn (US&A): After a great run of form in the reality T.V singing competition American Idle, vocal witch Jordin Sparks has decided to retire from the music world to pursue another cherished profe...
Calling Bikers "Sissies" Quick Way to Get Killed, Study Finds
Boston, MA - A ten-minute long Harvard study concluded yesterday that calling bikers "sissies" was a quick way to get oneself murdered.
Bush Denounces Torture After Pelosi Brunch
Washington, DC - President Bush publicly denounced torture soon after wrapping up a political brunch with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi which involved heavy negotiations regarding a number of pending bills, including the controversial "No Child Lef...
"Gingivitis" caused by red haired people
Top doctors at the 2007 United Nations Summit on Healthy Teeth and Gums have unanimously decided that the epidemic of tooth decay that is presently sweeping western countries, known as gingivitis, is caused entirely by ginger haired people.
Filth Artist Hirst: "I want Manning Skull"
Contorversial shark-stuffer Damien Hirst capped off tributes to deceased potty mouth Bernard Manning today by announcing he is set to acquire the comedian's skull.
James Cameron claims discovery of biblical 'golden calf' smelter
Upper Nubia - (Ass Mess): TV documentary maker James Cameron whose recent 'Tomb of Jesus' and 'Bones of Herod' monographs were widely panned as risible acts of megalomaniacal folly has claimed the discovery of a gold smelting plant in...
Blair to visit Pope on June 23 in Fr Seedy cover-up pledge
London - (Ass Mess): UK Prime Monster Tony Blair is scheduled to meet with Pope Ratiznger on Saturday 23rd June in a valedictory visit to shore up support guaranteeing continued covering up for his personal confessor Fr Michael Seedy.
Bush's Birthday: Bash or Bust?
Los Angeles, CA - A well-known Hollywood talent agency has confirmed today that it is filling an order for 100 extras to appear at a White House function on July 6. The company would not reveal the purpose of the event, but July 6 is President Bush&#...
US Circumcisions Drop Off: Foreskin Shortage Feared
The number of circumcisions in the United States have been sharply clipped away and now their length is shorter than at previous levels.
Fat People Rise Up in Fury at Fat People Jokes
FALMOUTH, MA - 19/06/07. Fatties across the world have risen up in anger at the constant jokes made about their chunky stature. The wobbly food scoffers have put down their KFC buckets to speak out against the humour often aimed at their lardy bellie...
Dando killer wins another appeal hearing
London - (Ass Mess): Barry George, the convicted killer of Crimebotch presenter Jill Dando, has won the right to a second appeal against his murder sentence which he says framed him for a vendetta attack by a retired senior cop working as a...
Bernard Manning - To Heaven Or Hell?
As the mist cleared, Bernard Manning found himself standing in front of tall, golden gates with a bright light shining through them from beyond. So bright he had to squint and shield his eyes.
William hits out at Diana cottaging industry
London - (Opportunist Mess): William has hit out at non-royal sources making money from Princess Diana's death and has said that he believes the tragedy of her death has been turned into a 'cottaging industry'.
Stonehenge bans Summer solstice Druids, vegans, goths
Salisbury Plain, Wilts - (Ass Mess): Druids, vegans and assorted goths are to be excluded from Summer solstice commemoration ceremonies at Stonehenge this week after locals branded them a pest to wildlife who habitually dump excessive tonnes of toxic...
G. Google Thanks Terry Semel For His Tenure at Yahoo!
Letter from Stock Shareholder G. Google to Terry Semel...
Queen Leaves For Dubai
HRH Queen Elizabeth II is preparing to leave for Dubai following the purchase of the entire Royal Family by the Gulf state.
Falconer Releases Goldilock's Murderers
London, UK - 19/06/2007. Lord Falconer today confirmed that the notorious Bear Family would be released from Prison early under new guidelines.
Scientific expedition to the sun
NASHA: In what would be one of a kind, the NASHA space research centre announced at a press conference that they are planning to send a group of humans to the sun to study its topography.
England U-12 team defeats Indian senior footballers 7-1!
Salt Lake Stadium (Calcutta) - This is indeed a year of prodigies. First, Brazil doesn't even show traces of being a contender for the soccer world champion title, then Bangladesh defeats India in the Cricket world cup and now th...
Prescott Severs Deal with Burger King
Hull, UK - 19/06/07. Burger King shares plummetted today with the news that John Prescott had cancelled the long-standing contract to supply food to Prescott Manor.
Celebrity Big Brother Announce Line-Up For New Show
Chanel 4 has announced the contestants to take part in the next series of Celebrity Big Brother.
Big Brother Racist Emily Parr Holds Rally
In her latest attempts to rebrand her self as a non racist, Big Brother racist Emily Parr has held a rally against racism and the slave trade.
Flashing Judge In Trouble Again With His Cock
A Court of Appeal judge at the centre of the 'flashing on a train' storm is back in the public eye again this morning after it emerged that other people may also have been the recipients of his own peculiar brand of advertisi...
Paris Hilton Immortalised
A wax effigy of Paris Hilton, complete in prison garb, is to go on display in Madame Tussauds "Chamber of Horrors".
Bernard Manning Dies Of Racism
Bernard Manning, the controversial and, some would say, outrageous northern comedian, has died of racism at the age of 76.
TheSpoof.com writer unearths formula for satire
US and A - 'SpaceElevator' announced that he has discovered a secret formula for satire. He discovered the formula while walking in a remote field.
Tennesseans could not see tragedy approaching
Selmer, Tennessee (WTF News) - In a bizarre and sad twist of fate, a charity event called 'Cars for Kids' turned tragic over the weekend resulting in horrendous injuries.
'Burning Manhood' festival plan announced
Black Rock Desert - Organizers of the annual eight-day-long 'Burning Man' festival have unveiled plans for a three-week-long event in July to coincide with the Tour de Franz. The proposed event in the desert, nicknamed 'Burning Manhood&#...
Bernard Manning Death "Suspicious"
Bernard Manning, Britain's best loved comedian, was found dead in the early hours of this morning.
Scientists Isolate Paris Hilton's Hypnotic "PHactor"
Scientists and philosophers at UCLA were given a grant a few months ago to find out just, what the problem is, with young up and coming starlets. UCLA are pondering issues such as: why are successful, young Hollywood starlets, acting in such an outra...
David Jason want's to make one more only fools and horses
Wheeler and dealer and backward French speaking know it all Del boy, could soon be back on our TV screens hawking dodgy Playstation 3's. (Well, let's face is Sony need some help.)...
Lord Ahmed Offers To Knight Rushdie Himself
Britain's fist Muslim peer, Labour's Lord Ahmed, has today offered to knight Salman Rushdie at Buckingham Palace himself.
First Big Brother Gay Kiss Leads to First Gay Sex
During a carefully engineered game of "Truth or Dare" the two gays in the Big Brother house were egged into the houses' first full-on gay kiss, including tongues, slobbering and groping.
Britney Spears Flashes Huge Gross Nipples
Britney Spears was today back in the news for giving maximum exposure -- this time, to her nipples. Having flashed every other body part, Britney's nipples have requested equal exposure and have jiggled for freedom twice in the last week.
Los Angeles Animal Services opens cages, shuts doors
LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Department of Animal Services, in a controversial move which has come under fire from City Hall, ordered all cages at the City's six Animal Care Centers opened and all animals set free. Citing desperation in its fail...
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