Spoof news stories from Thursday 5 July 2007
Child Support Agency Looks for God's Help
The Child Support Agency today announced the formation of a special "Cold Case Files" department. It will consist of a number of temporary units tasked with researching and finding missing spouses or partners for financial support of childr...
British Museum plans daft new £100m complex
Londpn - (Ass Mess): Not content with its dodgy past heritage that saw it built from the myriad pillagings of foreign civilizations' antiquities, heirlooms and archaeological treasures, the British Museum is embarking on yet another fiasco to add...
Trailer Trash Doherty living under London's Westway dual carriageway
London - (Ass Mess): Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has moved into his bijou, open-plan, post-modernist, uniquely-appointed estate-agents' dream trailer under the West London dual carriageway called Westway.
Americans Divided Over Who The Real Americans Are
Santa Clarita, CA- Even a national holiday cannot stem the river of commerce, as revelers packed the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart for last-minute purchases. Filling their SUVs with bargain bags of charcoal and cases of drinks, shoppers were eag...
Millionaire, 75, To Wed 21 y.o. Stripper
(Malibu) - In another example of older man/younger woman relationships, 75-year-old Will Grabbem, of Mailbu, California, is set to wed 21-year-old Igot Implantz, of Santa Monica, next month.
McCain Introduces New Immigration Bill
Due to his rapidly deteriorating poll numbers among conservatives, John McCain introduced a new bill on the Senate floor today.
Diverse Groups Join Forces to Weaken Terrorism
New York, NY (IP)- A diverse group consisting of the press, institutions of finance, and governments (PIGF) has joined forces to take the wind out of the sails of the international terror machine. In a rare victory for common sense these groups have...
"Lewis too quick." F1 Bosses Say.
In a rare move today, F1 officials emerged from a meeting and stated that rookie driver Lewis Hamilton would have to carry a handicap for the rest of the season.
Brown's outsource the monarchy shock
GORDON Brown may carry through sweeping reform of Britain's confused constitutional situation by taking the prudent option and outsourcing the monarchy.
HSBC: our 7/7/07 numerology fears
Hong Kong - (Ass Mess): Mounting tension among banking giant HSBC's numerology consultants has reached paranoid levels according to Hong Kong sources watching Chinese market movements ahead of this weekend's fabled 7/7/07 date.
Windows Vista: Patches and Fixes
Windows Vista---worth the money? Well, it definitely is if you're like me---well-connected to a very high-placed sales rep at PC Magazine who sold me his copy for $35 and my DVD of Leprechaun, which, friends and neighbors, I've had for so long that he's forgotten IT'S ACTUALLY HIS (SCORE!!) But predictably, Bill Gates's newest offering is full of problems. Simply right...
Several Movies I Could Have Ruined If Only I Had Just Been Given the Chance
Lord of the Rings
Frodo discovers Sudoku halfway through the adventure and from that point on can't even be bothered to look up from the goddamn page once in a while...
This Week's Chicken Specials
Perdue Farms chicken---mass-produced, chickens kept inhumanely
$4.99 per pound...
Ten Movies I Will Never Make
1) "It's an out-of-this-world holiday romp that'll have you on a rocketship to fun!"...
Ten Captions for Lesser-Known Garfield Cartoons
1) I'M ALMOST CERTAIN IT'S ONLY A PLUSH TOY, BUT MAN, I WOULDN'T MIND GETTIN' ON SOME OF THAT...
Doherty slams Kate Moss as paranoid old slag
London - (Rioters): Babyshambles musician Pete Doherty has slammed Kate Moss as a paranoid old slag whose jealousies drove him over the edge into crack cocaine use.
Yuletide Fire Log Videos In Review
It may only be July, but it's never to early to think about just which Yuletide Fire Log video you've got to add to your holiday collection. Here's the skinny on the best of the best on DVD:
Yuletide Fire Log * * *...
Craig Bellamy To Be "Thrown Out Of Liverpool"
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez has told reporters that the days of troublesome striker Craig Bellamy at the club are numbered.
Princess's son court bid fails
Royal Courts of Justice, London - (Ass Mess): A man claiming to be the illegitimate son of Princess Margaret and Ronald Ronald Reagan has failed in his court bid to get a slice of her estate and that of the Queen Mother.
Commuting or Conjugal? Confused Pimp Daddy Bush Frees Libby
While many people across the country are outraged at President Bush's commuting the sentence of Scooter Libby those in Washington blame Vice President Dick Cheney for fooling the gullible President.
Republicans Propose Solution to Global Warming
Today a Republican led committee proposed what the Bush Administration is hailing as "the" solution to global warming. Scientists have developed a prototype of a machine that can lower the temperature around it by several degrees.
Tennis Breaks out at Wimbledon
AFTER the most successful run of uninterrupted rain - record-breaking fucking buckets of the stuff - a potential three-day outbreak of tennis is set to mar the final weekend of Wimbledon.
eBay :: Paris Hilton Garbage Big Seller
HOLLYWOOD (PARIS HILTON's TRASH CAN) -- Paris Hilton's crumpled shopping list is for sale on eBay. Item Number: 110145031520. Have not bid. Must phone my Editor. Starting bid: US $45.00. Postage: US $9.00 Redwood framed.
Iraq war blamed on faulty SatNav
GEORGE W Bush this week admitted the war in Iraq was a mistake but blamed the invasion on his Satnav system.
Smoker's rebellion: Landlord moves pub outside
Britain's first totally outdoor bar was opened in the small hamlet of Smokington-on-Sea today.
Keith Richards to play Larry King in biopic...
Universe studios: After starring in the third pirates movie in a cameo role, Keith Richards, the Rolling bones rockstar, is all set to show his acting prowess in a brand new movie to be directed by Al Gore.
Airport protester arrested, cigarette put out
Glasgow - Police described the fire at Glasgow Airport today as "total madness".
Muslims "Afraid To Go Out" Say Leaders
British Muslims are afraid to leave their own homes because they are fearful for their lives, say leaders at a mosque in Birmingham.
Maxwell Smart Forgot that the Cone of Silence Doesn't Work on Diaries
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - TheSpoof.com - Maxwell Smart forgot that the Cone of Silence doesn't work on books. He wrote a diary exposing some of his most devious deeds in history, including killing Cock Robin. The diary was exposed by Jalapenoman,...
Cheney Framed Young Albert Gore
Orange County, California (The Scallion) - Dick Cheney (code named 'ANGLER') ordered a Gestapo unit to track down Al Gore III and to plant contraband on him.
'Damn Mexican' Surpasses Bill Gates as World's Richest Human Being
MEXICO CITY (Reuterus) - Mexican businessman Carlos 'Shady' Slim has a net worth of nearly $68 billion dollars, surpassing the wealth of Microsoft's Bill Gates. Most of the increase in Mr. Slim's wealth is due to recent trends in the...
Newfoundland Ferry Nearly Capsizes due to Unruly Behavior
Port aux Basques, Newfoundland (The Gulf News) - Roger Flood, President & CEO of Marine Atlantic Inc. which provides ferry service between Newfoundland & Labrador and Nova Scotia, announced a near-sinking of one of the world's largest vessels las...
The Last Temptation of Paris Hilton
In a candid interview, with the Financial Times, of London, Paris Hilton revealed that in prison she suffered a traumatic moral breakdown and that she was only able to recover, thanks to a complete biblical make over.
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