Spoof news stories from February 2005
There were 161 spoof news stories published in February 2005. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
George Bush Busted!
"THE RANCH" CRAWFORD, TEXAS (AP) Local law enforcement officers seized a large quantity of marijuana from the ranch owned by President George Bush. In an early morning raid, undercover officers swooped into the old ranch house, whi...
First Lady Laura Bush Looking Buff
WASHINGTON (AP) Wherever First Lady Laura Bush travels these days, people are remarking at how wonderful she looks. Visitors to the White House have noticed quite a change in Laura Bush's appearance. "She looks so… uh… healthy!&quo...
Hunter Thompson Suicide Note Found
ASPEN - Hunter S. Thompson, who fatally shot himself at his Colorado home Sunday night, left behind a 352-page suicide note, say Aspen police. According to the note, which will be published in book form by Rolling Stone early next week, Thomps...
"Bedtime with Michael Jackson" - appearing on PBS
MARYLAND (AP) Public Broadcasting Service announced this week that PBS stations would start carrying a new children's show called "Bedtime with Michael Jackson". "We felt like we had to pick up the slack in our children's p...
Michael Jackson Visits Paris Hilton in Hospital
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) The large crowd of people gathered in front of San Francisco General Hospital hoping to get in to visit Paris Hilton swelled to thousands more as word got out that entertainer Michael Jackson was up on the third floor visiting his...
Prince Charles launches best man competition
Prince Charles is out to capture his people's hearts when he weds Camilla Parker Bowles in April by offering up the coveted role of best man to every male UK citizen.
Woman offers first-born child for Gmail account
TENNESSEE - Nashville resident Vida Mae Bakerstrue posted yesterday on GmailSwap.com that she would trade her first-born child for a Gmail invitation.
President Bush Asks Army Mud Wrestler to Return Purple Heart
WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush has asked Private Deanna Allen, the winsome Camp Bucca flasher, to return the purple heart she has been wearing on the army's mud wrestling circuit in Iraq. Allen, who wrestles in the D-cup class, wears the medal...
Gay Prostitute Sticks it to George W. Bush
The flap over the White House allowing James Guckert, the Gay Escort and Conservative Christian White House reporter formerly known as Jeff Gannon, into it's daily press briefings continues. It will be remembered that reporter really wishes that he...
Rolling Stones to Perform at Prince Charles' Wedding
LONDON - In what cynics are calling a transparent attempt to "do a Viagra on a couple of sagging careers," Prince Charles announced this morning that the Rolling Stones will headline at his wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles on April 8. The ceremony, w...
Google stock splits with announcement of broadcast venture
Mountain View, CA - Google, the Internet's premier search engine, today announced plans to enter the broadcast market with the Google Broadcasting Company (GBC), and investors were delighted to witness an immediate stock split following news o...
Prince Charles, Camilla Wedding Off
The BBC reported today, that the rose petal road to everlasting happiness with the announced engagement and impending April wedding between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, has developed a major pothole. Presented with a thirty page prenupti...
George W. Bush is Human Clone
A team of geneticists from Princeton University yesterday claimed to have proved "beyond reasonable doubt" that President George W Bush is in fact the world's first cloned human being. The team spent six months laboriously cross-checkin...
Camilla Parker Bowles shows true face
London, England - This week Prince Charles revealed his April wedding plans to long time mattress (oh, I mean mistress!) Camilla Parker Bowles, disregarding any negative opinions about the match expressed by other members of the Royal family, and fam...
Astronomers Find Absolutely Nothing.
Astronomers say they have discovered an object that appears to be nothing at all made almost entirely of dark matter.
Labour General Election 2005 Manifesto
Government
In the first week following election, the Labour Party will pass laws making it illegal in all future elections to vote for any party other than Labour.
Apple's Secret New Computer
CUPERTINO, CA (AP) Apple Computer is working on a completely new computer. It is rumored that the new design will completely revolutionize the computer industry. Few people have been able to glance at the new machine, but those that have are complet...
Pope Idol 2005
With the hints made by the Vatican today of the potential retirement of Pope John Paul due to his numerous health problems, the council...
Camilla Parker Bowles to Launch Her Own Cosmetics Line
LONDON - Camilla Parker Bowles and Revlon International announced yesterday that Feel Like a Duchess, a cosmetics line inspired by Mrs Parker Bowles, will be available in stores this summer. Featuring a full array of quality personal-care-and-groomin...
George W. Bush to Request New Dollar Design
WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush told reporters yesterday that he plans to request a new dollar design from the White House's graphic arts department.
Terri Smith Creates Terri's Mod To Rival Popular Garry's Mod
Half-Life 2 fan Terri Smith announced today that she hopes to release a modification called Terri's Mod to rival the popular Garry's Mod by Garry Newman. At press time, Terri told us she plans to have the modification, set to be released some...
Nazi Party Rejects Jacko's Membership Bid
WASHINGTON, DC --- Officials at the American Nazi Party's national headquarters today announced they rejected former pop star and accused pedophile Michael Jackson's membership application not because of his race, but on grounds of "moral turpitude".
Corey Feldman Hops a Ride on Michael Jackson's Train
LOS ANGELES - Corey Feldman is the latest burned out, former child star to hitch a ride on the Gravy Train, apparently one of the favorite amusements at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Feldman told 20/20's Martin Bashir in an exclusive interview r...
Paul McCartney in Bra for Super Bowl Halftime Gig
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - Sir Paul McCartney said he didn't mind a jot having to wear a bra during his Super Bowl halftime show. "We used to wear ‘em on stage now and again during our Hamburg club days," said the former Beatle. "But that was more than for...
Geriatric Foreplay
Let me begin by saying I have a wonderful, thoughtful, kind and considerate, husband whom I adore. I am a woman pushing sixty with a few health problems, and my dear husband asks me how I feel every single day.
A while ago I noticed there were certain days when he asked how I was feeling four or five times in the space of an hour. Initially this perplexed me, but I eventually figured it o...
Disney signs Cannes winner Michael Moore to direct ABC Celebrity Wife Swap
ORLANDO - Disney Studios, producer of the upcoming ABC reality show, Wife Swap, is currently in production with another program that could well capture a lion's share of Neilson ratings: Celebrity Wife Swap.
Michael Jackson Candy Bar Introduced by Godiva Chocolatier
SANTA MARIA, Calif. - Michael Jackson's recuperation in the children's ward of a California hospital should be sweetened by the news that Godiva Chocolatier is introducing a candy bar inspired by the King of Pop. Called Candy, Little Boy? the...
Man Offers Butt For Advertising On eBay
Advertising on human bodies hit rock bottom yesterday when a 44-year-old US man offered ad space on his derriere to the highest bidder on the website eBay.
Scientists Discover New Connections Between Dogs, Opera, Beets, and Ovens
New York, NY--Scientists at a major teaching hospital here today reported not one but two scientific findings that they hope will propel them to the front of the line for a Nobel Prize and provide them with lifetime free tickets to Lincoln Center.
Snubbed Top Brass Demotes Iraq Mud Wrestlers
CAMP BUCCA, IRAQ --- After their harrowing tour of duty in Iraq, only days away from going home, the men and women of Camp Bucca, Iraq, felt like blowing off a little steam. Now, the Guard unit stands shamed, and the soldiers have mud on their faces.
Conservative Christian Groups Saddened By Liberals Treatment Of George W. Bush's Gay Prostitute
Conservative Christian Groups are reportedly "shocked and saddened" by the treatment fellow Gay Conservative Republican Jeff Gannon is receiving from the Liberal Press. Mr. Gannon, whose real name is James Guckert, has recently been the target of num...
Dolly scientist gets license to clone Parton, American Idol rushes to host results
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND - Iam Wilmut, the man responsible for the successful cloning of Dolly the sheep announced he has secured the rights to clone human embryos of country music legend, Dolly Parton.
Grammy Awards Surprise for President Bush's Daughters
LOS ANGELES - Agents of the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) had a surprise for first twins Jenna and Barbara Bush at the 47th annual Grammy Award show last night. As the girls were chatting backstage with U2's Bono, they were approac...
First Lady Distributes Fruitcakes in Germany
RAMSTEIN AIR BASE, Germany -- First Lady Laura Bush, hoping to do for the fruitcake what she did for the Lane Bryant pants suit, has launched a campaign to restore the image of the much maligned dessert. She began that campaign yesterday when she vis...
Da Vinci Code Sequel Revealed
Literary legend, phenomenon and number one best selling author Dan Brown today unveiled the plot of the sequel to his historically successful novel "The Da Vinci Code". Fans will be pleased to hear that the erudite Robert Langdon return...
Bugs Bunny - "Hey Doc, Maybe You Oughta' be Eatin' Some Carrots Too!"
HOLLYWOOD (AP) The world's foremost authority on carrots is hardly surprised by the news out of Europe this morning. A report from researchers at the University of Newcastle upon Tyne in England and the University of Southern from Denmark reveals tha...
Jennifer Lopez Cancels European Tour After Being Sickened by Grammy Performance
LONDON - Disappointed fans grumbled last night in Leicester Square after learning that Jennifer Lopez had cancelled her appearance at the UK charity premiere of her new movie, Shall We Dance? The gravity-defying actress and singer cancelled at the la...
Iraq Votes Counted, Saddam Hussein Declared Write-In Winner
After totaling the votes following the first democratic Iraq election in over fifty years, officials have declared Saddam Hussein the uncontested winner for position of "President and Supreme Ruler." Despite not being on the ballot, the former dicta...
Darth Tater Escapes Root Cellar; Wreaking Havoc Across Countryside !
PAWTUCKET, RI (AP) Rhode Island State Police were called in to investigate a break out at Hasbro, Inc. According to Hasbro security officials, Darth Tater broke out of the company's potato bin in the middle of the night. Toymaker Hasbro is the ma...
Mobile Phone Virus Found in US
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Cabir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on "Meet the P...
Michael Jackson and Robert Blake Form Celebrity Trial Cartel
Celebrities Michael Jackson and Robert Blake have formed a cartel to control the flow of media coverage of celebrity trials. The Organization of Prosecuted Entertainment Celebrities (OPEC) will set quotas on the level of media exposure permitted for...
Pope John Paul's Latest Book Is a Shocking Tell-All
VATICAN CITY - Described as Joan Rivers meets Howard Stern's Private Parts, Pope John Paul II's latest book, Is the Pope Catholic?, is a rollicking tell-all that contains startling revelations about the world leaders and celebrities the...
Fox Hunting Ban Tested by Riders in Drag
EDGEHILL, England - The controversial fox hunting ban that threatens to divide England like nothing since Margaret Thatcher was skirted merrily yesterday when countless people flocked to the countryside to see fox hunters in drag riding sidesaddle ov...
Michael Jackson Exposes Buttock at Superbowl Halftime
JACKSONVILLE, FL --- Superbowl Security failed to react quickly enough as former superstar and accused pedophile Michael Jackson raced across Alltel Stadium's football field to the fifty yard line. Then, in full view of the nearly 80,000 terrified st...
The President and the Prostitute- The George W Bush and Jeff Gannon Story: Part III
In the latest (and hopefully final) twist in the Jeff Gannon/ James Guckert story, or ‘The Gift That Keeps on Giving' as most satirical websites prefer to think of it, Mr. Guckert is reportedly considering legal action against the Liberal web blogger...
Sarah Jessica Parker Launches Scent of a Woman Fragrance
NEW YORK - Former "Sex and the City" star Sarah Jessica Parker has thrown her veteran pheromones into the celebrity perfume ring. Parker, 39, recently inked a seven-figure deal with Coty Inc. to develop Scent of a Woman fragrance.
Third Secret of Fatima: Pretender to Throne picks April 1st
Royal Soothsayers Office, Tower of London; Saturday 12 February 2005 - (Associated Mess): A flurry of frenzied activity has descended on the Ancient Heraldic Order of Seers, Stargazers and Interpreters of the Splayed Royal Entrails this weekend fo...
Rush Limbaugh Vows to Knock Out Million Dollar Baby
HOLLYWOOD - Calling Clint Eastwood's brilliant but utterly depressing boxing movie, Million Dollar Baby, "a shot to the shorts, morally," radio talk show host and former ESPN broadcaster Rush Limbaugh is leading a crusade against the "evil, insidious...
Nuclear sub destroyed by mobile phone, says White House
Nuclear emergency teams were last night still desperately scouring the sea bed for nuclear material from the USS Nevada, which was inadvertently sunk last night in the Indian Ocean by local fishermen using mobile phones.
Sheep Cloning Scientist Takes Another Poke at Dolly !
LONDON (REUTERS) The British scientist who created Dolly the sheep -- a clone that shocked the animal world -- has begun trying to clone a human embryo. Ian Wilmut is conducting therapeutic cloning at the Roslin Institute, near Edinburgh. Professor W...
Snow White Files for Divorce
Snow White, famed for appearing in a children's classic fairy tale, has officially filed for divorce from the Prince. This comes after reports of the Prince being linked with a bevvy of beauties including Australian pop sensation Kylie Minogue as...
Blair gives Order of Merit to Osama
Sandringham House, Norfolk, New Year's Day 2005 (Rioters) - Her Majesty the Queen is tonight said to be "hopping mad" at the recently announced news that Prime Minister Tony Blair has given Osama Bin Laden the Order of Merit in the New...
Growing up with Playboy
When I was a young girl of ten and scrounging between the couch cushions for wayward change, I discovered my first issue of Playboy Magazine. Of course I opened it. I saw my first pair of double-Ds the day I opened it.
I saw who Barbie really was.
Ozzy Osbourne to head United Nations
UNITED NATIONS (AP) - The United Nations' chief of staff Mark Malloch Brown announced that significant changes, both cultural and structural, would soon take place at the scandal-ridden United Nations. Brown said, "the endemic corruption...
Tendulkar fans dumbfounded by shocking revelations
Mumbai: Cricket fans accross India have been stunned by revelations from Dholki.com (an Indian media organization , specializing in tantalizing and embarrassing exposures of the rich, famous and the plain ugly ) that Sachin Tendulkar, India's mast...
Hallmark Condemns Valentine's Day Internet Suicide Pact
WASHINGTON - The Hallmark Corporation has asked the Department of Homeland Security to declare a code red for Valentine's Day following the discovery of an Internet suicide pact scheduled for Monday February 14. The pact, which is known to involve at...
US Mars mission cancelled, "confusion" blamed
America's problematic "Man on Mars" project was finally cancelled yesterday, just over a year after President George W. Bush had announced it to a stunned space community.
Tilting trains now flushed with pride
Rail passengers are enjoying the experience of Britain's first state-of-the-art tilting trains.
North Korea Test Fires New Missile
PYONGYANG (AP) North Korean news agencies report that a missile was launched early this morning. Pyongyang officials boasted that the new missile was capable of reaching anywhere on earth while carrying the latest nuclear warhead in their arsenal. Th...
Hearts are leading cause of heart disease, study finds
A study conducted over the past 55 years has come to a close as doctors Timothy Webber and James Seul discovered today that hearts are the leading cause of various forms of heart disease.
Scotland -The Perfect Asylum
Scottish first minister and champion of the platform shoe, wee Jock Mcnumptie, today outlined plans to tackle Scotland's imminent population crisis.
L. Paul Bremer "misplaces" $9 Billion in Iraq
(Baghdad) Spoof International News. Paul Bremer, recent recipient of the Presidential medal of Freedom, was caught unawares last week after receiving the results of an audit completed on his stewardship of Iraqi funds while he was Chief Administrato...
More Bush Tapes Revealed
WASHINGTON - Doug Wead, who secretly taped nine hours of phone conversations with George W. Bush, told The New York Times yesterday, "There's more where those came from." Wead, a former Amway distributor and Assemblies of God minister, said th...
Political Conservatives Deem Food Pyramid as Heathen Form
(IRRP)- Political conservatives all over Washington have started to ban together, forming an informal coalition, to ban the use of the Food Pyramid. The Pyramid which has been in use since the 1960's, has gone under revision several times, is on...
Piglet Is Dead - Assumed Murdered
Christipher, the local insane boy who believed a family pig from the farm was sentient finally snapped back into reality and butchered the creature who he dubbed Piglet.
Camilla: People's Stepmother
Eager to be part of the wedding festivities, while desperate to maintain a high political profile (and as far away from the Iraq war as possible) in his 'Meet the People' campaign for the May election, Tony Blair suggested and agreed to walk...
Charles To Marry Camilla
Prince Charles is finally set to marry the woman he's been having secret sex sessions with for over thirty years says Clarence the Horse.
Condoleezza Rice Tour Is a Sellout
WASHINGTON - Ticketmaster reports "there isn't a seat left anywhere" on the seven-stop Condoleezza Rice "You're Not Gonna Believe This" tour, which opens in London's Royal Albert Hall tonight. The tour-sponsored by Haliburton, Wal-Mart, the Southern...
Hilton Hacked, Thompson Commits Suicide
ASPEN - Unable to bear the ignominy of seeing his private telephone number and e-mail address, which he had given to Paris Hilton last year, posted all over the Web, gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson fatally shot himself at his Colorado home on Sun...
God Reveals Details of Medical Clearance for Terrell Owens
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - Following the Philadelphia Eagles loss to the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl, the Lord God the Father Almighty admitted that He had cleared Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens to play in the game. "For sure I was busy last...
Michael Jackson Leaves Hospital in a Huff
SANTA MARIA, Calif. - Shortly after dangling a white-and-red teddy bear from his fourth floor hospital room window, Michael Jackson reappeared at the window in a surgical gown and mask, holding a sign that read, "I love more." Then he was gone, a mer...
Michael Jackson Dance-Floored By Flu
SANTA MARIA. Calif. (AP) - Pop superstar Michael Jackson has been rushed to hospital with flu, delaying the jury selection process in his trial on child molestation charges.
Senna heads testing times
The exhumed body of three times Formula 1 World Champion Ayrton Senna topped testing times today at the Jerez circuit in Spain. Riding a rust unicycle the Brazilian lapped the circuit in 1 minute exactly, bettering false champion Micheal Schumacher&#...
Sharon Stone In Sophie's Choice Remake
In a venture to change movie history and capitalize on popular current films, Hollywood executives have decided to remake some semi contemporary classics such as Sophie's Choice, which will star Sharon Stone and conversely cast Meryl Streep in B...
Michael Jackson Jury About As Black As Michael
SANTA MARIA, Calif. -- The twelve people who will decide whether Michael Jackson did indeed ply a thirteen-year-old former cancer patient with Mogen David 20/20 and erotic-shaped gummy bears is a jury of Michael's peers in one significant way: none o...
Nothing Beats a Timex
East Otis, Massachusetts, in the foothills of the Berkshire Mountains, is the kind of place that can be seen only from the air. Some wags—especially those who enjoy a little night life, ethnic food, and cable television—have observed that from the air is the only way to see East Otis. There is a reservoir, which everyone calls a lake, in East Otis; and my wife's parents used to have a cottage—...
Chuck Yeager Driving School
Retired Air Force General Charles "Chuck" Yeager, first man to break the sound barrier, grounded from flying because of his age, has opened a student driving school.
Editorial: Why does everyone hate me?
One of the questions that I often ask myself is why everyone hates me. I mean, sure I can be obnoxious at times but am I really worse than anyone else? It seems that people just enjoy hating me. I mean, the other day, my friend, at least I think he’s my friend, just came up and punched me on the shoulder multiple times in the snow. You’d think he’d take the snowball joke. It was only one little sn...
Hillary Clinton Collapses, Conspiracy Blamed
(Rotters) -- Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton collapsed under the weight of her own monumental sense of self-importance during a luncheon speech Monday in upstate New York.
Condoleezza Rice Beats Hillary Clinton in Mock Election
WASHINGTON - If the next presidential election were held today, the United States would be waking up with its first black woman president who had been abducted by aliens. This according to the results of the Weekly World News' Election 2008, w...
President Bush's Image Revered as Religious Icon
A medical photograph taken with the latest Ham-corder™ technology reveals an imprint of President George W. Bush's face on former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's prostate. The startling photo (right), stolen from the office of a board-certi...
Carrot Cake
You’ve had it happen once, haven’t you? The day seems to be going perfect, when, for some unknown reason, a moment occurs and you wish that something, anything would happen to pull you from that moment? That time arose to me not no more than one half hour previous to this moment. It was unbearable.
I was at my local twenty-four hour diner, where the demented drunks wallow in pig fat, the el...
The Illuminati Orders Takeout
Deep within a secret one world governmental complex, those who run the major world governments are having trouble...ordering Chinese takeout. The Illuminati, the super secret organization that runs the world, also struggles with the weekly ritualisti...
Guinness Challenges Four-Year-Old Boy's Driving Claim
LONDON - Guinness World Records has challenged a four-year-old boy's claim that he is the youngest person ever to take his mother's car and drive it to a video store in the middle of the night. "Our preliminary investigation suggests that this lad ma...
George W. Bush, Pope John Paul II and Other Stupid Things: The News in Brief
Still Not Completely Stable:...
Hillary Clinton Denies She Is Carrying Tucker Carlson's Love Child
WASHINGTON - Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton branded as "false and scurrilous" a Fox News report that she had fainted during a speaking engagement in Buffalo, N.Y., yesterday because she is two months' pregnant. The story, posted on the Fox Web site yest...
Ozzy's Son Allowed Jewel Theft to Convince Fans of His Stupidity
Rocker Ozzy Osbourne's son admitted that he allowed $382,000 in jewelry to be stolen so he could impress fans with his massive stupidity. Jack Osbourne said he felt the only way to compete with his famous father was to "be an even bigger idiot". Th...
Pension Crises? Sacre Bleu!
It was announced this week that Government investment in pensions has fallen £57 billion pounds below the rate required to provide for the United Kingdom's aging population.
Conjecture on Future of Humanity
The children are not are future, rather it is the cavemen to whom we must look for much needed guidance.
For a while, it was pirates who were the subjects of the public’s ever obtrusive eye. Ninjas then grappling-hooked their way to the top of the latter. I still feel they were a bit overrated.
Mutt Surprise Winner at Westminster
The dog world was shocked today when a mutt won the Best in Show award at the prestigious Westminster Kennel Club competition in Madison Square Garden. Delbert, an unheralded multi-breed mix, bested over 160 purebreds to snag the award. The announc...
Al Qaeda Behind Consumer Terrorism
Vigilant consumer watchdogs have foiled a terrorist plot which could have literally brought Britain to its knees.
World Reacts Harshly to NHL's Cancellation
After intense negotiations between the NHL and the NHL Player's Association broke down, the prospect for hockey in the near future seem dim. The cancellation of the National Hockey League's season has caused ripple effects across the world. Whi...
Pope Clamors for Retirement, Decries Vatican "Sweatshop Practices"
VATICAN CITY --- Sources close to Pope John Paul II have revealed that the pontiff has been begging Vatican officials to be released from his official duties that he may enter retirement. However, the governing council remains adamant in its position...
BNFL "loses" nuclear reactor
British Nuclear Fuels PLC yesterday admitted to a Special Parliamentary Committee that they had "lost" a full-size nuclear reactor from their facility at Dounreay, Scotland.
Brown Recommends New System for Britain
LONDON (AP) - Chancellor Gordon Brown has made it plain that he does not see Tony Blair's vision of "unremitting New Labour" as being "right" for a modern Britain.
SPCA Rescues 250 Pug Dog Figurines
CHADDS FORD, Penn. - Acting on a tip from a local animal rights activist, police and SPCA officers raided the home of longtime pug figurine collector Dotsie Kerrigan, 67, yesterday. As horrified neighbors in the exclusive development of Chadds Ford K...
USA vs. North Korea. (Global) Warming Up For Armageddon?
Following the publication of a NASA report on a weakened el nino and the proliferation of greenhouse gasses, bookmakers around the world today slashed the odds of global warming becoming the principal cause of the imminent annihilation of the human r...
Banished
Banished
The warm rays of the sun pleasantly woke the two. Eve had rested well, her mind in a state of exhilaration with her discovery of the “headache” power over Adam she could exercise at will. Adam, on the other hand, did not sleep well due to this same power. Eve looked forward to the adventures the day would bring while Adam looked forward to the adventures the night might bring. Eve...