Spoof news stories from December 2005
There were 141 spoof news stories published in December 2005. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Fury over 'Marijuana is Good for You' Campaign
Hungary's quiet arrival into the European Union has given way to a blazing row after the Magyars declared 'marijuana is good for you' in a bold bid to boost tax revenue.
The country's new approach to 'soft drugs', however, has met hard line opposi...
Korean Manufacturer Debuts Lightsabre
Samsung, the leading electronics manufacturer has announced today that it has successfully developed a fully working Lightsabre.
Matt Hardy buys WWE
A surprise press conference was held today at the offices of World Wrestling Entertainment to announce the company's new owner. Matt Hardy.
Prince William getting fat and going bald
London. (Spoof International News) Prince William, second in line to the British throne, has reportedly recently gained excessive weight, and has become very concerned about his accelerating hair loss.
WalMart Store Closings Spread
TORONTO (AP) A loud noise was heard in Jonquiere, Quebec as the door slammed shut at the local WalMart store. The worldwide retailing giant decided to close the doors to its store rather than give in to demands to unionize the huge discount store. Th...
Sister Paris Hilton gives tips to young women
BELMAR, NJ (AP) In her first public appearance since taking vows in the Catholic Church, Sister Paris Hilton gave a talk to an assembly of girls at the St. Rose High School in this seaside town. Touching on many topics important to young women, Siste...
Babysitter & Toddlers Have Party. Busted By Police
PATCHOGUE, N.Y. - A 37 year-old man was arrested when two toddlers he was supposed to be babysitting, were found drunk.
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes to star in remake of The Gay Divorcée
Shirley Knott: HOLLYWOOD - On the heels of a recent nomination for a Daytime Emmy for his dance performance on The Oprah Winfrey Show, megastar Tom Cruise has announced that he will soon begin filming a remake of the 1934 Hollywo...
Paris Hilton's Naughty Christmas Card List
LOS ANGELES (AP) Paris Hilton sent out hundreds of Christmas cards this year to her ‘special friends'. The list mysteriously made it to the desk of one of Hollywood's most notorious gossip columnists---a close associate of one of our reporters. One...
Jennifer Lopez Favors Fruit Diet !
"My butt was getting way too big!" exclaimed Jennifer Lopez. The actress/singer -- also known as J-Lo to millions of fans - parked her well formed derriere on a comfortable chair in the offices of TheSpoof.com and began answering several qu...
Big-Time Economic Doom Coming, Says Financial Guru
SAN DIEGO, CA--Big-time economic doom is about to start as the financial bubble economy of the United States bursts. This is according to economic forecasting guru Robert Prechter, CEO of Elliott Wave International, who has just been interviewed by...
White House to Market ‘Constitution Toilet Paper' With Delsey
WASHINGTON (AP)-White House aides are finalizing an agreement to market toilet paper which features excerpts from the US Constitution on each sheet, as ordered by US President George Bush in recent weeks.
Greeting Card Poetry Future In Peril
KANSAS CITY - Executives of Hallmark, American Greetings, and other greeting card publishers all had a common theme at this year's annual convention: the mass retirement of seventy percent of their poets within the next four years.
Face transplant lady unhappy with new beard
MOUSTACHE
A group of mad, garlic-guzzling French doctors have revealed that the hideously disfigured woman who recently received a face...
War with Finland
In the wake of the mounting debt due to the war in Iraq and national security, President Bush has decided to declare war on Finland. So far as we know, Finland is not presenting any type of threat to the United States and is not harboring any terrori...
Freakishly Gifted Dwarf Breaks Seventh Athletics World Record
When Minnesota born John Baxter first discovered he would never grow beyond 4 feet, it would have been tempting for many in his position to throw in the towel. One would have forgiven him for believing his dream of becoming a world class olympic athl...
Amazing New GM Alternative Fuel Car!
DETROIT (AP) General Motors announced a stunning new automobile that is bound to revive the fortunes of the recently troubled automaker. "After several quarters of lackluster sales, we think we have a breakthrough new car that will revolutioniz...
Gillette Shaving Revolution
The fiercely competitive marketplace of men's cosmetics was rocked this week by Gillette's announcement that it intends to launch a new range of shaving products based on their "S-Aim" technology.
Breakthrough in Terrorist Interrogation Techniques
Imosobad, Afghanistan--At a secret captured terrorist holding facility in the desert hills of eastern Afghanistan, interrogators have miraculously stumbled on what they believe is the key to unlocking vital information on the ongoing and planned inte...
Steroid Abuse Negates World Records, says Konami "Track & Field" Association
The anti-doping committee of the Konami "Track & Field" Association, citing rampant steroid usage amongst its competitors in the early days of competition, has stripped Japanese hexathalon legends EEE, FFF and GGG of the world records they...
Bob Dylan European Tour (Excerpt from Another take on Glasgow)
Dylan adds Glasgow date to European tour
I don’t know if that was the heading or where I first learnt that Dylan’s Neverending Tour was bouncing round to Scotland again but, whatever, it’s like a psychological Klaxon going off.
British Surgeons Give Man New Arse
British surgeons have successfully completed the first ever human arse transplant.
Joan Rivers Found Dead In Her Kitchen.
Manhattan NY (AP) - Police and EMT's were called to Joan Rivers's Home in Manhattan. A frantic Melissa Rivers, Joan's daughter, called 911 yelling "Oh my God I think she's dead! Someone come help me! Oh my God!"...
Queen unveils majestic new look
She may be The Queen, she may be head of the Commonwealth, she may be 78… but, above all, she's one fine looking lady...
Carrot Eating Flying Fish Spotted By Hubble Telescope
At last, the Hubble Telescope has proved its enormous cost as last night the top secret researchers have at last found something new and completely different from the usual Aliens on Mars. In fact, the Research team has at last found some really top...
Texas a'Blaze, Governor Perry requests emergency BBQ Sauce
Looking like the old Bonanza map, Texas, seen from above by NASA satellites is totally engulfed in flames. Texans however, by nature, in the vicinity of any type of FIRE instinctively break out the grills, ribs, bibs, charcoal and most importantly,...
Jesus Saves at Wal-Mart!
Laurel, Md. - Someone special has been shopping at the Wal-Mart at 3549 Russett Green in Laurel. This past Thursday, none other than Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was again seen pushing His cart through the store's broad aisles. This has become a r...
Bar Mitzvah Held At McDonalds's
NEW YORK - In a stunning break with tradition, the parents of Jason Pelsky held his Bar Mitzvah at the Times Square McDonald's this past Saturday.
Prince Charles will change his name as King
London. (Spoof International News) Prince Charles' office has announced that the Prince is seriously considering taking a new name when he finally becomes King. It had been assumed that he would take the name 'Charles III'. The P...
Santa Moves Workshop to China, Exploits Chinese Elves
BEIJING (UPI)-- Santa Claus has finally moved Rudolph and his aging band of Caucasian elves and reindeer from the North Pole to China, now known as the East Pole, in the process hiring thousands more Asian elves in the towns and villages of southern...
Jethro Tipped as New 007
Cornish comedian Jethro has been tipped as the new James Bond following Pierce Brosnan's recent departure as the British secret agent.
George Bush Chosen Worst US President Ever by CFR
WASHINGTON (UPI)-- President George W. Bush reacted with deep thankfulness at being chosen as the worst president ever of the United States by the Council on Foreign Relations Prize Committee.
President Bush Recovering From Recent Surgery
Washington, DC-- The nation is anxiously awaiting the results of President Bush's recently revealed, surgery.
Prince Charles Beheaded
In a statement today, Buckingham Palace officials announced that the execution of Prince Charles had taken place at dawn.
Tube train arrives on time - driver suspended
London Underground were at the centre of yet another embarassment today after one of its trains arrived on time, bringing yet more misery to the capital...
A New Year Love Letter to Prince Charles
The lifelong imaginary romance with the to be good King Charles has ended the 46 year old allegedly female, authentic daughter of President John F. Kennedy/John Astor announced today.
Osama's Niece Is A Terrorist.
New York - Osama's Niece, Wafah Dufour, is fed up with Americans "not accepting her", she said in an interview with GQ magazine. "Everyone relates me to that man, and I have nothing to do with him (Osama)", she told r...
The US Issues National Tsunami Plan.
Washington DC (The White House) - President Bush, hoping to protect the shores of America from being hammered by a tsunami, issued a national plan Friday for increased volcano and earthquake monitoring systems, ocean buoys, and other state-of-...
Food Allergens A Hoax
A shocking report released yesterday by controversial nutritionalist, Professor Sol T. MacAdamias, claims that food allergens are a hoax, like Piltdown Man and Hitler's Diaries.
Saddam Hussein's Secret Prison Interview with Martin Bashir to Air on FOX
(FOX NEWS) Pentagon officials are scrambling to figure out, as Donald Rumsfeld put it,"How Martin Bashir of all people" could break into a level 5 maximum security U.S. military prison in Baghdad and interview, videotape and record Saddam H...
President Bush Anxiously Awaits Impeachment
Washington, DC - During a recent press conference, when asked about the growing movement to impeach him, the President surprised the gathered members of the press corps by smiling and saying, "I say, sweet! Bring it on! Bring it on hard and heav...
Dali's Secretary Dead
CADAQUES - John Peter Moore, Salvador Dali's former personal secretary, has died at age 86 after being trapped in a Dali painting for forty-five years, the Cadaques coroner's office reported. The coroner's office confirmed Mr. Moore's identity after...
Britney Spears Dumps Hubby Kevin
In a move not unexpected, Pop singer Britney Spears sent husband Keven Federline packing. Publicist Margaret Smith said that "Britney had enough of the playing around and the drinking and the immaturity. Now that they have a child, she needed...
Osama Bin Laden Karaokes "Stop in the Name of Love", sends tape to Al Jazeera
State Department officials are scrutinizing a music video reportedly recorded by Bin Laden that, as one official put it, "Could pose a grave and immediate threat to the United States and it's allies". Bin Laden, finding it increasingly...
NY Mayor calls Policeman's strike Illegal
It's Field Day For Felons as the city of 8 million finds itself protected by 1 lone security guard named Zeke who says "he ain't strike'n". Zeke Tatum, "the lobby guy" at the Stop n Shop is indeed the city's last...
Hussein's "Body Double" Defense Falls Apart; Seeks Insanity Plea
BAGHDAD, Iraq Dec 8, 2005 - Saddam Hussein's claim that he wasn't really the former dictator of Iraq but rather a body-double fell apart today when one of the real body doubles positively identified him. "Yeah, that's him...so...can I go now?" said A...
"Married With Children" the Movie wrapping up Production
(E-ONLINE) Christina Applegate, star of Sony's "Married with Children Reloaded" directed by Quentin Tarantino talked about her role as FBI agent Kelly Bundy saying, "This movie is a total departure from the original TV series&quo...
Richard Pryor Sets Himself on Fire in Heaven
HEAVEN- Barely a week after his passing, legendary comedian Richard Pryor has burned a large portion of his body after a drug-related incident in the Great Beyond.
Russia accidentally launches Nuclear Missile
NORAD is urging Americans to remain calm after a Russian janitor accidentally knocked over a bucket which flipped a mop which somehow struck the launch button of one of Russia's nuclear missiles. "We're sorry" the Russian president...
President Says He Approved Secret Spying to Nail His Enemies
WASHINGTON (Reuters)--President Bush today acknowledged that he had unlawfully authorized the National Security Agency to spy on American citizens and legislators "because they are all out to get me and I have to nail them first."...
US Government to Start No Frills "Torture Airways" Airline and Vacation Service
WASHINGTON (AP)--Under siege over the revelations of thousands of secret CIA "torture flights" of freedom fighters to the many secret torture facilities which the CIA and Pentagon have established around the world, Condoleezza Rice, the American secr...
Google wants employees!
Dear Mr Google,
I am responding to an advertisement in the daily Guardian, in the section Media Guardian creative media and Sales of November...
Bank Repo's Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch
Normally a bank FORECLOSES on a property but in the case of Neverland Ranch the bank is REPOSSESSING the property, brick by brick.
Chicken vs. Pork - Who's Whiter?
A new marketing campaign for chicken products was announced at the annual meeting of the Poultry Producers and Supporters Advocacy Group of America, Canada and Mexico (aka PPSAGACM) this past weekend. In an effort to counteract the effect of marketi...
Pope Benedict XVI announces he is Santa Claus.
Vatican City - Yesterday in St. Peters Square, millions were shocked to both hear and see that Pope Benedict XVI is Santa Claus. Wearing a white fur-trimmed red bonnet and a red cape with white underneath, Santa waved to his fans after making...
Medical Schools to Give Equal Time to Demonic Possession
Washington, DC. The American Medical Association (AMA) today caved in to Christian Fundamentalists who are upset with the monopoly that Pasteur's Germ Theory of Disease has had in medical school curricula for more than 100 years.
The AMA, under p...
GOP Health Plan to Offer Low-Cost Lobotomies
Akron, Ohio---George Bush spoke at a rally today addressing his latest health care proposal. Young people will be given the opportunity to put some of their medicare payments into a Health Savings Account (HSA) which will accrue interest. Poor p...
Google Patents Mind Search
(MSNBC) 40 minutes to game time .. YOU forgot where you put your Knicks tickets for tonight's playoff! Rushing over to your computer, popping open Google you frantically type .. "WHERE ARE MY KNICKS TICKETS?!".
Bush: "The UFO's are ours. There are no aliens."
In one fell swoop President Bush broke the hearts, minds and spirits of UFO enthusiasts everywhere when he publicly debunked and denounced the existence of Roswell, Zeta Reticular, crop circles, Harry Truman, Area 51, blue spinning cigar shaped gl...
Vatican Stay Firm On Paedophile Ordination
The Vatican has drafted new guidelines to reaffirm policy on paedophelia and keeping child molesters and "supporters of paedophile culture" out of the priesthood.
Judge orders Saddam Hussein's mouth Duck Taped Shut
Saddam Hussein had his LAST ranting raving lunatic courtroom outburst before the judge, fed up with Hussein's spoiled brat antics ordered Saddam's mouth securely wrapped and taped SHUT with high grade military Duck tape. Courtroom observers r...
Iraq Named #1 Tourist Destination
Baghdad, Iraq- The World Tourism Organization has rated Iraq #1 among tourist destinations this year, ousting out tourism hot spots such as Cancun, the Bahamas, Hawaii, and Pakistan. The rating has said to be because of the friendly locals, th...
President George W. Bush buys fourth home near Tamarack
Shirley has a fabulous scoop, dahlinks! And I've heard it on the sly from a roving source! [Dear To-Do List: Write Carl a thank-you note…]...
George Clooney Demands To Be Added To Mount Rushmore
Taking a break from banging supermodels and traveling the French Riviera, George Clooney, star of Batman and Robin, says that he would like to be added to Mount Rushmore.
Votes recounted, John Kerry assumes Presidency
(CNN BREAKING) Thanks to a little known loophole in the Constitution John Kerry yesterday assummed the Presidency of the United States of America leaving former president George W Bush little more than a private citizen temporarily living in the Whit...
Condoleezza Rice Agrees With Cindy Sheehan, Calls George Bush "That Chickenhawk"
WASHINGTON (AP)-Antiwar activist Cindy Sheehan has apparently won the heart of US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, with Rice suddenly agreeing with Sheehan that the US war to grab Iraqi oil was ‘illegal and immoral' on NBC's ‘Meet the Press' duri...
WMD'S Found in Iraq
"See I told you" President Bush said in one of the nation's shortest televised presidential speeches ever, concluding with "Didn't I tell you ?". Yesterday U.S. forces in Iraq stumbled upon 937 X-14 long range interco...
Super Bowl XL to consist Entirely of Super Bowl Commercials
If ABC has it's way the only time viewers will even SEE a football player will be, A) During the coin toss and, B) During the post game WRAP-UP show. "Most folks tune in to the Super Bowl for the commercials anyway" ABC...
Mass Suicide Spawns howamidoing.com Email Service
After a large number of clients began committing suicide, howamidoing.com, a future email service, came up with a new host of services for their clients, the company announced Monday at a press conference.
Your Village Called!! Press Release
VCU Alaska! / Village Credit Union-Alaska!
will now be hosting Quarterly press releases on the YVC Inc website.
Scientists Discover 'Mass Dodo Grave'. Saddam Questioned.
Mauritius (AP) - Scientists discover a mass grave of Dodo Birds today. They say the bones are fully intact. They were found in a swampy area near a sugar plantation laid out in several rows.
Subway Salads are Delicious
Subway has very delicious salads as well as big bread sandwishes. Many so-called dieters love the food and love the fact that the sandwishes are soo big. Many people who have gained over a certain number of pounds have set realistic goals providing they have trainers of the opposite sex. When in the company of people of theopposite sex, the desire for more food diminishes. Conversation becomes...
'Don't Give In To Despair In My War for Iraqi Oil,' Bush urges US Citizens
WASHINGTON (UPI)-- US President George W. Bush asserted last night that the United States is winning the war to plunder Iraqi oil and issued a plea to Americans divided by doubt, "Do not give in to despair and do not give up on this fight for im...
Bush: ' I want a Man in the CENTER of the Earth by 2012'
Congress agrees that Bush's "Mars program" will have to be put on hold if the President insists on putting a man in the middle of the planet by 2012. Senator Trent Lott said, "We simply don't have enough funds to send a man t...
My Dream of Leeching Off a Celebrity Wife Is Crumbling
You know, I’ve never really given much thought to the future because I’ve always just planned on marrying a movie star and leeching off her my entire life. It’s always seemed like a good deal to me--she gets her power, independence, fame, etc, and I get to sleep in and watch the Spice Channel.
Most men view women’s equality as threatening, but I disagree because I’ve never looked forward to...
Santa's Crystal Meth Workshop Busted... the Legend of Claus
Santa's workshop .. long thought to be a fictional place "way up yonder" where elves and reindeer sang and frolicked merrily around Christmas trees and Charlie Brown fireplaces making toys was BUSTED by Federal Narcotics agents during...
A Face-to-face Chat With Osama bin-Laden
I walked into an Arab-owned market, purchased a few shall we say-"yet to be released" CDs-and then stood and chatted a few minutes with the owner, Saleem Farhquar. The store is just a block from my home and over the years Saleem and I have become clo...
Pat Robertson: "I Just Baptized Everyone On Mars"
VIRGINIA BEACH - On his 700 Club show, Pat Robertson announced that he had "just returned from Mars, where I baptized everyone on the red planet."...
Great White torches another Night Club
Psychic Friends Network's singing psychic Dionne Warwick hooked up Great White's departed guitar player Ty Longley with his fellow "above ground" band members after Detroit's "Night Rave" night club burned completely t...
Moonbeam Family Christmas
Berkeley, California --Happy Holidays everyone! I had the family over for Christmas: my brother Jerry, his wife Pam, their three kids, and Aunt Vera and Uncle Carl. Also, my ninety-year-old grandmother Edna brought her new boyfriend, Harlan, who I guess to be somewhere between ninety and five hundred years old. Of course, Edna brought Penny, her fat, gassy, and blind seventeen-year-old b...
Why the Indianapolis Colts Will Not Go Undefeated
The Indianapolis Colts are within three weeks of making NFL history by being the first professional American football team to go undefeated in a sixteen game season.
ESA scores used Space Shuttle on approval
Moscow (Spoof International News) The Head of the European Space Agency said last Friday that he was ‘confident' that his agency might be able to come up with funding to help out with the tentatively planned design phase and subsequent constru...
Little and Large Sold at Auction
BOLTON, LANCS -Top comic duo, Little and Large, have been sold at an auction in Skelmersdale. It is reported that initially the reserve on lot 34 was not met but the auctioneer played a blinder and disposed of the pair separately as lot 34 and lot 34...
Weapons of mass destruction discovered in Iraq: Allawi attacked with deadly ambulatory projectiles
In what many experts believe is a major breakthrough in the war against terrorism, weapons of mass destruction have finally been discovered in Iraq. "This is a significant development and conclusively proves that, under the Saddam Hussein regime...
The Pope gets Whoopie Cushioned, Vatican Furious
"It was so quiet you could hear a Rosary drop" said one witness after Pope Benedict XVI sat down for Christmas Dinner and a loud PFFFFFT rang out. Vatican security is optimistic that they will catch the prankster who keeps playing practic...
Website "Hijacked By Trolls".
A website that helps scientists search for ET, by allowing computers all over the world, that are owned and operated by anyone who wishes to sign up, has messageboards on their site, that were "hijacked by trolls" yesterday.
I Learned To Fly Without An Instructor
Erie Medical Center -- I want to tell everyone how I taught myself to fly an airplane without an instructor. A friend of mine has a pilot's license, and he took me for a one hour ride. Boy, that was fun! So after watching him all of that time, I th...
This must be a bad dream...
I dreamt last night that I found this marvelous website that would take my writing submissions and over time I would develop a following of webbies that would seek my brand of humor and become an audience for my "voice."
In my dream I wrote a couple of pieces that were not by best stuff, but I was tired, it was Christmas, and I knew that if I built it they would come.
Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind
He was a menacing looking man approaching my car as I waited for the light to turn to green. Probably a panhandler, I thought, but not holding the usual "Will work for Mad Dog 20/20" sign. I instinctively looked to make sure my door was locked. It wasn’t. He was still 15 feet away. Plenty of time to lock it, but I didn’t want to insult him by letting him realize his approach was causing...
Brain Cancer Linked to Stupidity
The University of California made a not-quite-startling claim today as it released the results of a new study, called "A.S.T.U.P.I.D," or " Are STUpid People Inordinately Detracting?" For at least twelve years, the University has...
Royal Family Celebrates "Christmas First"...Or Not?
London (AP) - The royal family is said to be celebrating a Christmas first today. They are celebrating the marriage of their son Prince Charles to Camilla. Apparently the Queen has not been informed the her son was previously married. When...
Bush Love Note To Sheehan Leaked
CRAWFORD - This town of 705 souls, located half-way between Austin, the headquarters of Dell Computer, and Fort Worth along the Chisholm Trail, is the last place on Earth where one would expect to find, much less court, controversy.
George Bush said Hate and Fear have no place in Amicable Associations
Someone once proffered that there is nothing wrong with fear but fear itself. Take for example a person dealing with a bomb. He has to have nerves of steel. Why, because he has to recall everything he knows about bombs and everything he knows about disarming them. It is also like bees. We cannot run scared every time we see a bee or a bee hive. They can be dealt with successfully so that the...
Big Surprise As Conservative Party Choose Posh Bloke David Cameron
Eton and Cambridge educated posh bloke David Cameron has declared that he will make the Conservative Party more appealing to the British public.
Woody Pulps Highly Critical of The Spoof
As a new reader of and writer for The Spoof, I have been reading the articles and find them to be very funny, but I must admit that I am quiet apalled by the many speling mistakes and typos that abbound everywhere.
Ostensably the writers have had at least a grammer school eduction and should be able to use good grammer and spell good to. Aparently this is not the case.
New Year Delayed by One Second
Washington (REUTERS) - People all over the world, celebrating the New Year this year will have to wait a whole second. For the first time in seven years there will be a "leap second". Atomic clocks around the world will have an extr...
Roughly one quarter of newborns "morbidly obese" say Scottish Health Authorities
An estimated one in three and a half (or two in seven) newborn Scots children are now beginning life morbidly obese, according to figures published earlier today. A study conducted by the Greater Glasgow National Health Serv...
Subway's Jared Discourages Dieters
Woodland, IOWA- John Marshall, an overweight machinist in Woodland, Iowa is just one of thousands of would be dieters who are discouraged by ‘Jared', former chubster turned spokesman for the national sandwich chain ‘Subway'. Jared was propelle...
Cop tells suspect, FREEZE . . suspect does, dies of Hyperthermia
(THIS PLANET) Scientists call it, "Acquired Suggestibility Syndrome" a rare condition which prevents the human mind from separating fact from fiction. One Phoenix man with this condition died last August when a Phoenix police officer told...
Bill and Melinda Gate's 33 ft 'Guard Python' swallows intruder Alive
Bill Gates told reporters, "By the time I got downstairs Slither had a bulge in her belly and a SMILE on her face. I'm sorry about the intruder, I don't know how he got in. I'll have to review video from our orbiting security...