Spoof news stories from April 2005
There were 253 spoof news stories published in April 2005. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Michael Jackson dies of heart failure.
Pop singer and paedophile Michael Jackson, has died at the age of 46. The entertainer died in his private apartment near the Santa Maria courthouse at 2137 local time (0337 GMT) on Saturday, surrounded by his closest family members.
Brad Pitt Pregnant
The Oxro Clinic of Finland has contacted Brad Pitt announcing they have successfully made mothers out of guys. This one step procedure would produce a child in nine months without the need of Jennifer Aniston. Let her pursue her fledgling career. No...
Orlando Bloom gets his ears
Lord of the Rings star, Orlando Bloom, has recently announced that he will be having a plastic surgery in the near future. Not just any plastic surgery. Bloom, who played the elven prince Legolas in Lord of the Rings, will be having his ears stretc...
Controversy Over Photo of Pope John Paul II
VATICAN ((AP) As hundreds of mourners walked past Pope John Paul II's body which was laying in state in the frescoed Apostolic Palace, many hushed whispers broke out as the people got close to the body. The mourners generally remained respectful...
Britney Spears Loses Ability to "Drop It Like It's Hot"
Malibu, CA - Recently remarried and former pop princess Britney Spears has reportedly lost the ability to "drop it like it's hot". Sources close to the singer failed to finger one particular cause, but speculation in Tinsel Town is rampant.
Jennifer Wilbanks: "I hate those big Georgia weddings!"
DULUTH, GEORGIA (AP) Jennifer Wilbanks was supposed to get married to John Mason this weekend, but instead got on a Greyhound bus and traveled across the country. "I always liked those long trips on the Greyhound," says Jennifer. "My family is pretty...
'Perfect' first flight for Airbus, But Putin Sells Nukes Variation To Syria To Attack US?
The world's biggest nuclear missile manufacture and their first line product, the European Airbus system A380, has been sold to Syria. Putin, the Russian sales agent is expected to get a megaton bonus this year for closing the deal in Israel toda...
Jennifer Wilbanks Too Annoying to remain Kidnapped
In an all ready bizare story a new twist has developed. New Mexico police report that shortly after the 911 call from Willbanks they received a second call form the alledeged abductors.
Scientific Study: Is A Frog's Ass Water Tight?
MIAMI, FLORIDA - Scientists from all over the world have gathered in Florida this week to study the age-old question: Is a frog's ass water tight?...
NASA's Hubble Space Telescope Targeted by Bush Administration
FORT SILL, OK (STARS & STRIPES) Within moments of the Bush Administration's failure to fund repairs to the NASA Hubble Space Telescope, an order was given to the US Army 30th Field Artillery Regiment to shoot down the aging telescope from its orb...
Macaulay Culkin Trying Desperately to Escape
Los Angeles-"My life has turned in to a nightmare," said McCauley Culking, a sophomore college student at UCLA. "Ever since this Michael Jackson thing came up, all my friends totally rip on me constantly. When I was a kid, that other kid with the s...
Flesh-Eating Bacteria Refuse To Eat Michael Jackson
Stunned scientists are reporting today that pop star Michael Jackson has been discovered to have a very rare immunity to flesh-eating bacteria.
Saddam Hussein Comdemns US Torture
There had been a dull calm over this military installation for some weeks. The early ranting of the captured had become the dull, grudging acceptance of the permanently detained.
Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton: Made for Each Other !
HOLLYWOOD (AP) In one of the least likely Hollywood pairings, Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton have been spending a lot of time with each other. Successfully outwitting the paparazzi by hanging out in Wal-Mart and McDonalds, Michael and Paris are at...
Titan Pictures Phony
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL --- If you thought the newly released pictures of Saturn's most interesting moon, Titan, looked an awful lot like the Viking shots of Mars taken in the 1970s, you're right. Recently leaked information revealed that the Cassini-Huyg...
Vatican Details Plans for Pope's Burial
Vatican City - Vatican official today provided detailed plans for the burial of Pope John Paul II. One detail that is sure to anger some longtime Pope-watchers is the plan to bury Pope John Paul in the grave used by Pope John the XXIII.
Ben Affleck enters Betty Ford Clinic for Jennifer addiction therapy
Shirley Knott: HOLLYWOOD - On the heels of the engagement of Ben Affleck to Jennifer Garner came a celebrity shocker this week when Affleck announced he is admitting himself for treatment at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Burger King to Unveil New "Sandwich" Sandwich
Chicago, Illinois- Earlier this week, while showcasing its newest line of burgers at the International Fast Food Convention,...
Wallace and Gromit kidnapped by North Korean agents
London-From 10 Downing Street Mr. Blair announced today the kidnapping of two of Britain's most important Boffins. "It is with a heavy heart that I must tell the British people today-Wallace and Gromit have gone missing. The Government fears the wo...
Pope's Burial Delayed For Rocky VI
Bakers, CA - An insider recently caught up with one of Hollywood's biggest action superstar and the co-founder of Planet Hollywood, Sylvester Stallone regarding the status of Rocky VI. As much as we were appalled, we were excite...
Baez Rebuffs Fonda's Apology
In a rare emergence from her self-imposed isolation of pissing and moaning about her unrequieted love for Dylan, Joan Baez has refused to accept the apology of spandex model Jane Fonda. "I was sitting in frikkin jail getting girl raped by Big Be...
"Abused" Infant Simulators Prompt Free Birth Control Supplies
PEQUOT, SD --- Two years ago, Pequot High School faced a record number of teen pregnancies. Concerned school board and PTA members decided to educate their troubled youngsters, purchasing fifteen computerized "infant simulators" and an award-winning...
And the death beat goes on: Peter Jennings
Madison, Wisconsin - April Wright loves death. Her sunny two bedroom apartment here in Madison is a veritable shrine to life's last act. This chipper 23-year-old isn't some sort of maudlin freak, she's just one of the growing number of American...
Is Jeff Gannon Really Ann Coulter?
Bloggers have set the internet on fire this week with reports regarding the former White House reporter Jeff Gannon and the possibility that he is actually famed right-wing columnist Ann Coulter. Speculation has reached such proportions that a heavi...
Mapquest Acquires Several Key Interstate Highways!
Mapquest is adding at least four major interstate highways to its holdings. The deal between the Federal Highway Administration and Mapquest was announced at a joint press conference in Washington this morning by FHA Administrator Mary Peters and Map...
WWE reality show, Not as fake as wrestling
Stanford, Conn.-- After the announcement from VH1 last week for a new show about Hulk Hogan and his family, The WWE confirmed a new reality program revolving around the MacMahon family .
"Star Wars," "Legally Blonde" Fans Line Up For Premiers
HOLLYWOOD - Fans of the popular series of movies "Star Wars" and "Legally Blonde" have begun lining up in front of theaters for the much-anticipated next installment of the respected films. Fans of "Star Wars" have been waiting in line for we...
Bush Appoints Saddam Hussein to Rule Iraq
In a long expected move, today President Bush announced he is appointing Saddam Hussein to take the reins of control in Iraq. Bush's desire to obtain Saddam's services for this extremely difficult job have long been known in Washington inner circles,...
Pope Breaks with Tradition; Names Successor
THE VATICAN -- Before being rushed to the hospital, Pope John Paul II didn't think he was going to make it through the night and, upsetting centuries of Papal tradition, named his own successor. The 84-year-old leader of the Catholic Church was havin...
After Wendy's, Finger Foods Showing Strong Demand in Fast Food Outlets
SAN JOSE, Calif. -- After an initial drop in sales at Wendy's when a finger was reported found in a bowl of chili, sales of finger food at other fast food restaurants have been brisk. McDonalds has hired Anna Ayala to develop several finger fo...
Michael Jackson: "There's nothing wrong with molesting children!"
NEVERLAND (AP) Following up on comments Michael Jackson made about there being nothing sexual about sleeping with young boys, the King of Pop declared, "There's nothing wrong with molesting children! When I touch a young boy's genitals, I am letting...
Can Krispy Kreme turn you GAY? Asks Jerry Falwell
Today while addressing his Television flock of millions. The Reverend Jerry Falwell posed the question: Do Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, turn people Gay? This analogy comes three year's after he stated on his television program that "Tinky Winkey" the purp...
Papal Conclave elects new Pope, debuts Papal Paypal initiative
VATICAN CITY, ROME - As the highly anticipated white smoke emerged today from the Sistine Chapel stovepipe chimney announcing the election of the new Pope, a collective cheer was heard from Catholics around the world.
Jar Jar Binks Found Dead!
It was confirmed by a coroner that Jar Jar Binks was found dead in a sewer drain on the Planet-spanning city of Coruscant. Toxicology results showed high levels of spice and cocaine in his blood stream. Though the levels were extraordinarily high, it...
Bart Simpson testifies against Jackson
Santa Barbara, California -- A shocking development in the Michael Jackson case materialized today when popular Springfield resident Bart Simpson testified in court. "I can't live with this secret anymore" is what he told Thomas Sneddon the pros...
Michael Jackson Offered Sanctuary in Hungary
Hungary has offered a new home to beleaguered pop star Michael Jackson.
George W. Bush Nominates Paul Wolfowitz To Succeed Pope John Paul II
President George W. Bush has indicated that he will nominate former Assistant Secretary of Defense and current nominee to head the World Bank Paul Wolfowitz to succeed Pope John Paul II in the event that the ailing Pontiff succumbs to the various ill...
Jackson's Neverland Ranch House Demolished.
MICHAEL Jackson's Neverland Ranch House where he molested underaged boys on multiple instances has finally been demolished. Every other part of the ranch will remain.
The pop singer's home was pulled down by bulldozers in just 35 minutes.
It wa...
Steinbrenner Hires George Costanza as Manager of Yankees
After being swept by the Baltimore Orioles, New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner abruptly fired manager Joe Torre and replaced him with fictional "Seinfeld" character George Costanza.
Blair to Have Squirrel Candidates for Labor
Brighton, UK. Labor Party Headquarter and the Prime Minister have formally announced that squirrels will be Tony Blair's candidates for the upcoming election in May 2005. The political stir was enacted yesterday as 7 former Labor squirrels we...
New Reality TV Show for Britney Spears
Self-absorbed pop star Britney Spears and her "new husband" Kevin Federline, will soon be appearing on a six part reality TV show chronicling the personal love story between Spears and Federline through exclusive, never-before-seen private home video...
New 'Star Wars' Trailer Revealed
Des Moines, Iowa - Charles Bowles is a long distance truck driver. He is also a rabid Star Wars fanatic. Today, Bowles is standing beside his brand new rig, "Millennium Truckin'." Inspired by a DAF 95XF he saw sporting Star Wars themed artwork at...
Mike Tyson Signs With Temple University
Temple University basketball coach John Chaney today announced the signing of Mike Tyson to play basketball for the Owls. "Mike's a fine young lad," Chaney said, "and will lend maturity and inside strength to our young squad." The NCAA approved the a...
Brad and Jen kidnapped by the cast of Oceans Twelve
Los Angeles, California -- It's been close to 3 months after Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's shocking announcement that stunned the world, but there are still fans who just won't accept their decision.
Pope John Paul Biography
Vatican City -- The brilliant tenure of Pope John-Paul 2nd has come to an end, and the Spoof would like to join in the celebration of his life and accomplishments by publishing the following 1978 interview of Karol Wojtyla, then simply known as the C...
Mutated Rats on Loose in Mispronounced Norwegian City
KYRGYZSTAN, Norway -- The descendants of laboratory rats that escaped being killed in the 1980s and crossbred wild rats, are running amok in Kyrgyzstan, a city long mispronounced by even those born here.
President Bush Arrested on Molestation Charges
White House Presidential spokesperson Kid Fiddler, shocked media correspondents gathered this morning for President Bush's weekly presentation on Cross Stitch for Beginners.
Big Troubles for Bubbles
Today the Michael Jackson trial took another bizarre turn as Michael's pet chimpanzee Bubbles was called to the witness stand. The defense asked for Bubbles to testify, stating that his description of the actual events that took place in 2003 would prove Michael Jackson innocence beyond any reasonable doubt.
Bubbles, a keen player and tickler, was involved in many of the pillow fights a...
Royal wedding moved again
In what many will view as a shocking development, the Prince of Wales wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles has been rescheduled again and the venue has also been changed. Originally planned to occur at the Guildhall in Windsor on Friday, April 8th, and...
Glaser hopeful of a Man Utd Purchase
Paul Michael Glaser confirmed yesterday his intention to purchase UK Premier League football club Manchester United. Glaser, who made his fortune in the 1970's hit American police action series "Starsky and Hutch" playing Detective David Starsky has...
Holy White Smoke! Benedict Is The New Pope
The world's one billion Roman Catholics this week congregated on the streets of the Vatican City to celebrate the appointment of former Battlestar Galactica actor Dirk Benedict as their new spiritual leader.
Popemobile to get Pimped
In a way to honor the recently passed Pope John Paul II, while also bringing excitement to the new Papacy, MTV has announced this week that one of their signature shows will have a Catholic flair in an upcoming special. Plans are in the works for an...
A Weary Michael Jackson Spills All
Santa Maria, Calif. - Michael Jackson, clearly at his wits end, collapsed into a shrieking, sobbing bundle of tremblingly hurt humanity earlier today as the wall he built between himself and the truth suddenly crumbled.
Sam Walton rises from grave to testify in Wal-Mart class action suit
BENTONVILLE, AR - Sam Walton was seen rising from his grave early yesterday wearing only a scowl, and he told a surprised cemetery worker that he was hopping mad at the mess his children have made of the company he worked so hard to build.
Michael Jackson begged to sleep with turtle
Santa Maria, Calif. - Ever since he was a youngster, Rudy Millstein has kept turtles and tortoises as pets. His fondness for Chelonia - especially the desert tortoises - is renown across the American Southwest, where Rudy spends his time observing a...
Update: First cats, now democracy - Wisconsin killing spree continues
Madison, Wis. - The voters made their voice heard - "let us kill cats, let us stamp out these vermin." Now, however, Governor Jim Doyle has decided to stamp out democracy in the state by announcing that he will not allow cat hunting to continue.
Lance Armstrong changes carriers
(AP, Anonymous Press)- New York- Reports spread wide as a person matching Lance Armstrong's description, right down to the jersey and bicycle, has been seen couriering packages all over Manhattan. Though Armstrong's personal assistant could n...
George Bush and the White House: Maybe It Was Iran, After All
The White House admitted today in the face of the WMD Commission's report that it may have been slightly mistaken about the fact that Iraq had anything to do with the September 11 Attacks on New York, Washington, D.C. or the downing of United Air...
NBA wipes out "Loser Teams" in front of stunned onlookers.
New York -- Commissioner David Stern took his first step today to ensure the future prosperity of the league he governs. In a live press conference from New York City, Stern signed off on what for all intensive purposes was the death of three franchi...
Bible code uncovers Jesus's freestyle rap verses
A team of scientists from India have discovered what could possibly be the most shocking story ever heard. These scientist have discovered a code in the bible that has unlocked Jesus's Freestyle rappings.
Calculator flaw blamed for all mechanical failures
All structural and mechanical failures in the world over the past 32 years have been traced to a fault in the multiplication feature on calculators.
China's Secret Textile Plot: Exposing the United States to Embarrassment.
The United States has uncovered a sinister plot by what one member of the Bush Administration termed "those perfidious running dog wannabes", in other words the Peoples Republic of China, to flood the US market with Chinese manufactured textiles and...
Russian Internet Dating Special - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice Gets Her Man
WASHINGTON - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, visiting Russia ahead of her guardian President Bush, sees hopeful signs of obtaining a visa for her forthcoming marriage to President Vladimir Putin to be held in Israel later this month. Western wom...
Man Says One of his Hands is Trying to Kill him; Rare Disease Blamed
SEATTLE, Wash. -- A lonely pawnbroker named Sam Sistamata has petitioned a court to have a surgeon cut off his left hand--even though there is no physical reason to do so.
China Declares War on Japan over Noodle Rich East China Sea
The East China Sea is unbelievably rich with natural noodles and is probably not only the largest ever noodle sea, the noodles are of the highest possible raw grade. Naturally, when it comes to National needs and desires, it was inevitable that soone...
Hunters rejoice: Cat hunting a go in Wisconsin!
MADISON, Wisconsin - After years of passive fuming, Madison-area resident Jim "Sparky" McManus can finally do something about his hatred of cats: kill them. Thanks to a newly passed law, residents of the Badger State can bag as many feral felines as...
Michael Jackson To Be Next Pope
Beleagured Michael Jackson is said to be delighted at his nomination to take over the reigns from well known pigeon fancier Pope John Paul II, deceased.
Rock Star Bono Plucks Out Own Eye For Blind Child
UGBANU (Reuters) - Rock superstar Bono gave new meaning to the song title "Sunday Bloody Sunday" when, after meeting a blind African child, he plucked his own left eye from it's socket in front of villagers and reporters in this impover...
Dr Who Trades In Tardis
In an embarrassing statement issued earlier today, the BBC has confirmed that the real reason Christopher Ecclestone has not renewed his contract for the next series of Dr Who is that the Beeb has decided to trade in the Tardis. The statement handed...
Plug N Play People - A Recipe For Success
The world rejoiced today as the scientific community reached in unison an epoch defining moment and paved the way for a glorious new chapter in the continuing evolution of mankind.
Schwarzenegger to Eliminate "3 R's" from Education
Sacramento, California -- California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, puffing on a cigar, has announced that under his new plan for streamlining state government, he will become the "Education Tzar" of California.
Wal-Mart Blown to Smithereens!
SPRINGFIELD, FL (AP) A massive explosion brought down the local Wal-Mart early this morning. The blast left a large gaping hole in the ground where Wal-Mart had been doing business for the past 7 years. Fire Department Chief Max Hosing said, "This ap...
McToe! Severed appendage found in McNuggets
ORLANDO, FL - Another bizarre case involving popular fast food restaurants and missing body parts surfaced this week in an Orlando, FL area McDonalds restaurant.
US Air Travelers Required to Fly In Their Underwear
Washington, DC-- The Federal Aviation Administration is currently undergoing negotiations with Frederick's of Hollywood, Victoria's Secret, Hanes and Stanfields to contract for the production of disposable skivvies to be worn on all flights o...
Girl Scouts Race To Get Saddam's Cookie Order
Former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein spends his time in solitary confinement writing poems, tending a garden, reading the Koran and eating American muffins and cookies, a British newspaper has reported.
Countdown To World Typing Championship Continues
"Can you believe it's already been a year", says fan...
Cardboard Cassava Crushes Christina Applegate
Hollywood, Calif. - Actress Christina Applegate was critically injured today by a freak accident on the set of "Paper Moon," a remake of the 1973 classic that is being shot in Wichita, Kansas. Accord Ms. Applegate's publicist, the accident occurred...
Don't Try This at Home
Many years ago when I was young and single I would go out with some friends each Friday night and drink. We were a mix of ages from early twenties to late thirties, some married, some not, generally skilled blue collar workers and all male. We would gravitate towards pubs with live music; preferably loud rock and when the pubs closed we would maybe go to a club or back to someone’s place a...
Pope Appears From Beyond The Grave
Tens of people have flocked to the house of Joe Novark to see an image of John Paul II………. in an aubergine!...
Schwarzenegger to leave Governorship for Tarantino's World War II Epic?
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Actor-turn-politician Arnold Schwarzenegger has decided to leave politics behind in favor of joining Quentin Tarantino's World War II epic. Arnold who made this staggering news yesterday had this to say :...
U2 'Vertigo' tour canceled by Department of Homeland Security
Washington-Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced today the cancelation of the 'Vertigo' Tour by the band U2. "Credible evidence, from classified sources, leads us to believe that these four foreign...
Hundreds Dead in Nestlé Protest - Hippies Blamed
430 people were killed and another 800 injured when a peaceful protest turned in to a mass riot yesterday.
Wembley Stadium a Gonner
LONDON - Shock news has been released this afternoon that the yet to be completed New Wembley Stadium is to be demolished to make way for an Ikea Furniture Store.
Kobe out for season
Los Angeles----The seats at the staples centre might become a little less full, now that star player Kobe Bryant has gone down with a season ending injury.
Frank Perdue Goes to Big Hen House in the Sky
SALISBURY, Md.-- Frank Perdue, a man who made chicken choking into a multi-million dollar empire, died today at the age of 84. Purdue revolutionized the poultry processing industry by introducing the use of asphyxiation as a means for slaughtering l...
Rows Over Pepsi's New Marketing Campaign
An entirely new advertising campaign has been launched today by the soft drink giant Pepsi which has caused a major stir throughout the world. The Pepsi company, believing themselves to be 'more popular than God', took it upon themselves to s...
George W. Bush Takes Credit For Astounding Jobs Growth
The Administration of President George W. Bush has formally received credit for the creation of tens of millions of new jobs; unfortunately for Americans, all of those jobs have been in Mexico, China and India. As a result, the families of immigrants...
Prince Charles Smuggles Bomb into Newspaper Headquarters
Loyal readers of the popular ‘Sun' newspaper were reeling from the shock revelation that Prince Charles and an ugly female accomplice had breached security at one of the most important British institutions.
Jackson Mayhem
Santa Maria, Calif. is heating up, as much as an unguarded pedophile, in a cartoon costume, at a theme park. As Moulan Rouge, I mean the Micheal Jackson molestation case proceeds forward, there seem to barriers and heated choices to be made around ev...
Pope Benedict XVI issues first edict-the Vatican must move
Vatican City-Pope Benedict XVI made his first public appearance today, acknowledging the throngs of faithful from the balcony of the papal apartment. Amidst all the mutually heartfelt joy, though, came a bombshell-the Vatican is moving.
Vatican Election Result - Pope John MacDonalds Condom XVI
The future of the Vatican finances and the leadership of the Catholic Church has been ensured by the unanimous nomination of the future envoy - Pope John MacDonalds Condom XVI. Roberto Calvi, a highly secretive ghost Spoof reporter has been following...
Apple Sues to Stop Leaks -- Bill Says "Whaaat?!!"
LOS ANGELES, CA - Apple Computer, Inc. (AAPL) has recently demanded that three websites reveal to the company the source of their information. The sites in question - ThinkSecret.com, PowerPage.org, and AppleInsider.com - cater to people who use or...
Qwest wins bid for MCI: Paul McCartney tickets did the trick
Denver-Qwest Communications (NYSE: Q) has stubbornly refused to drop its bid to take over MCI. Mr. Heywood Jablowmi, CFO of Qwest, carried out his quarterly conference call today with investors, fund managers and business reporters. "Those bastard...
Honda recalls all Element models; apologizes profusely
As of May 1st, all Honda Elements will be systematically recalled and destroyed, said American Honda President Koichi Kondo at a press conference late last week. Speculation that the vehicle had mechanical deficiencies were false, said Kondo, but Ho...
Bush Withdraws Bolton Nomination
In an effort to bring peace to the Congress and Washington D.C., George W. Bush announced he will withdraw the name of John Bolton as Ambassador to the United Nations. Bush suggested Bolton would be better suited as a coach for the Oakland Raiders or...
Hitler's Sensitive Side Revealed
New evidence has revealed things about Adolf Hitler that we never new before. Long have we known that Hitler was a vegetarian as he couldn't bear to eat a living creature, but did you know that every week Hitler would give half the money he got from...
Awkward Silence Follows Poorly Executed Trick-Shot
Clapham Pool Hall, London. Pool and snooker fans everywhere sat in shock, when an over confident university student failed to perform a trick shot he had so incessantly believed he could. The 20 to 30 second silence left a pronounced change...
Rover Saved - New Model Announced
LONGBRIDGE, BIRMINGHAM - recent rumours are confirmed by Phoenix Venture Holdings, owners of MG Rover. A new model is to be launched which it is hoped will revive Rover's flagging fortunes.