Spoof news stories from September 2004
There were 142 spoof news stories published in September 2004. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Ken Jennings Loses On Purpose, Heated Rivalry With Trebek To Blame
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA-- In an unexpected turn of events Thursday, longtime Jeopardy winner, Ken Jennings, lost on purpose as a publicity stunt in spite of Alex Trebek. From the beginning of the show, Jennings just stood there with a smirk on his...
Santa Claus Outsources To India
In the Santa Clause Village in Rovaniemi, Finland, Christmas is a yearlong affair. Though Santa collects lists and delivers presents in a few days before Christmas, workers at the Santa Claus Operations (SCO) centre have to work all throughout the ye...
Ken Jennings reveals Jeopardy! winning strategy
As rumors continue that Ken Jennings has lost his 75th Jeopardy! competition, he has decided to reveal his winning strategy...and the reason his record-breaking stance as the largest money winner in Jeopardy! history has ended.
Bush Becomes Iraqi President Ahead Of U.S. Elections
Iraqi state television announced yesterday evening that U.S. President George W. Bush has been elected the new Iraqi president. Bush will be taking over from the former "interim" President Ghazi Yawer.
Pepsi Addiction Grips Ashley Olsen
New York City -- Billionaire media mogul Ashley Olsen is suffering from a crippling addiction to Pepsi-Cola, according to a source close to her family. The teen star entered a "Carbonated Beverage Detox Center" on Thursday.
John Kerry Captures Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan
ISLAMABAD. In a mighty strike to the core of infamous terror group Al-Qaeda, Democratic Presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry , assisted by a small privately contracted army of expert fighters and strategists, captured terrorist leader Osama bin La...
Pope slams Windows - calls it "diabolical" - dubs Bill Gates "spawn of Satan"
Vatican City, Monday
Vatican sources today confirmed the rumor that Pope John Paul II last week experienced problems with his laptop computer, caus...
FCC Introduces Mandatory Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air
FCC HEADQUARTERS-- At a packed press conference today, FCC President, William Kennard issued a statement about obligatory viewing of the former hit T.V. series, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, at least once a week for all American citizens. With the o...
Britney Spears Vlasic
Cherry Hill, NJ - As an unusual wedding gift for her new husband, Kevin Federline, pop-tart Britney Spears purchased Vlasic - the maker of a broad range of pickle products. The move, which has both entertainment and grocery analysts scratching their...
Interview with The Loch Ness Monster
Inverness, Scotland - Townsfolk of Inverness, Scotland got quite a shock this week, when a big green, three-eyed monster claiming to be the "Loch Ness Monster" appeared at a local clothier, requesting to be fitted for a "suit".
Cher Announces Plans for 7 More Farewell Tours in Next 3 Years
Pop star Cher has announced plans to try to break the world record for number of times one person has "retired" from the music business, by embarking on an ambitious plan to go on 7 more "farewell" tours over the next 3 years. As of now, Cher, 72, h...
Scott Peterson's Past Tense
Scott Peterson's description of Laci using the past tense, even before her body was recovered, was an indication that he knew she was dead according to the police. He knew it because he was the killer was the view that the prosecution has taken.
The Little Train That Could Loses Steam in Scandal
SALT LAKE CITY, UT--The Little Train That Could from the best-selling book of the same name tested positive for the performance enhancing drug C.H.U.G. (carbohydouliceralgamene) last week at the 2004 World Steep Hill Climbing Championships in Utah...
Bobby Fischer Held At Guantanamo Bay
Bobby Fischer former world chess champion has been moved to Guantanamo Bay. While it is not being alleged that Fischer is a terrorist, the last straw was reached when he complained that a guard's nose was too long and Fischer couldn't see out...
World Peace Declared: George W. Bush Outraged
In a completely unexpected turn of events World Peace was declared this morning, signaling the end of all violence and murder planet wide. The announcement was made by Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana as he ate breakfast in the Duck Inn Cafe and...
Bush/Kerry Debate: Alien Versus Predator
With only days remaining before the mildly anticipated debate between George Bush and John Kerry in Coral Gables, Florida, the PR departments of both camps are in high gear trying to drum up…even a little bit of enthusiasm among the potential viewing...
Al-Jazeera Runs Controversial Math Series
Independent media outlet Al-Jazeera is yet again the subject of intense criticism, this time not by leaders of the Iranian government or the unelected interim Iraqi government but by key figures in the IMF, World Bank, European Union and America, for...
Hurricane Kerry Spinning in the Atlantic
MIAMI: A new hurricane formally named Kerry last night by the Hurricane Center in Miami, Florida, has formed off the coast of the United States. Hurricane trackers have been following the former tropical storm every since it mysteriously formed off...
God tells Oprah Winfrey "Hurricanes Florida punishment for George Bush election theft"
CHICAGO - During an unprecedented celebrity score on Monday, media queen Oprah Winfrey will broadcast a special interview with God in which He says that the current Florida devastation from hurricane activity is directly related to the Bush el...
Bin Laden Accuses Zarqawi Of Stealing Limelight
Terrorist mastermind and Al Qaeda chief Osama Bin Laden has accused Jordanian terrorist Abu Musab Al Zarqawi of taking the spotlight away from him. "Frankly speaking, he has stolen my thunder!" complained Laden in an interview conducted over satellit...
Gloria Estefan cancels farewell tour
Miami, Florida -- Singer Gloria Estefan announced the cancellation of her farewell concert tour shortly after installing Microsoft Windows XP Service Pack 2. "We discovered our 'Miami Sound Machine' software is incompatible with the new...
Microsoft introduces Ybox - puts "crown jewels" up for grabs
Hard on the heels of last week's surprise announcement that Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) of Seattle, WA, was to halt further development of the Windows operating system came the announcement that the "boring parts" of the Microsoft soft...
Scott Peterson's Dad's Nightmare
Lee Peterson, the father of Scott Peterson on trial for murder, says he is currently living a nightmare. While giving testimony Lee Peterson admitted that he had given Scott $30 000 to put down on a house for Laci. In hindsight he believes that Scott...
Scott Peterson Shows The Middle Finger
Scott Peterson accused of murdering his wife and unborn child is the biggest murder trial in the media since OJ Simpson. It has had non-stop television coverage and unprecedented press interest. It dwarfed even the interest shown in the build up to...
Fox News Interrupts Second Coming for "Important" Bush Documentary
The widely anticipated Second Coming of Jesus Christ was announced on television, radio and internet news outlets all over the world during a press conference held by Vatican officials, who described in great detail the several year process they have...
Prince William Single-Handedly Brings Back Ascot
London - Credit the newest retro fashion wave to one of the most established families in the western hemisphere. In April the photogenic Prince William was spotted at a polo match sporting a colorful ascot, the rest is quickly turning into fas...
VH1's Search for new Partridge Family goes "Horribly Wrong"
Los Angeles - Disaster has struck the VH1 set of the new reality show "In Search of the Partridge Family". Apparently one of the contestants brought in for the "battle of the Keiths" segment was actually a black bear.
Contemplating the Navel--Clay Aiken's, That Is
I wonder if Clay Aiken ever contemplates his navel? In Style Magazine's "Sexiest Singer" probably doesn't have the time to sit around and engage in such things these days, but it seems he doesn't have to. There are plenty of ladies out there who are doing it for him.
How do I know? Well, I've been lurking on the Clay websites of late, trying to obtain appropria...
Scott Peterson's Two Theories
Scott Peterson on trial for murdering his pregnant wife provided the police with two theories, one within 24 hours of her disappearence, the other a week later. The theories were furnished to the court by Modesto police Detective Craig Grogan. Before...
Brinks Mat bullion in Broadwater Farm garden?
London, Wednesday (Rioters) - Police acting on "first rate intelligence" have begun excavating a back garden on the notorious Broadwater Farm estate in Tottenham, North London where Gary Linneker and Ken Noye are believed to have buried mo...
Kerry's Preschool Record Questioned by Bush Camp
Advisors to the Bush campaign revealed today that their new TV spot ads will feature testimony from John Kerry's preschool teachers, that he lied on his day school application.
AskJeeves Gets Personal
Ever since the beginning of the time, AskJeeves has been favorite search engine of people who never find what they are looking for. Today things have changed. AskJeeves has updated their free service to include even saving of the irrelevant results...
Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rica and Donald Rumsfeld Set to Retire at End of This Term
Reports from the White House recently suggest that if President George W. Bush manages to gain another four years in office several key players in his first four years will retire. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of Defense Dona...
Olympic Mascots Unveiled to Mixed Reactions
ROME - After relatively little anticipation the organizers for the 2006 Turin (that's in Italy) Olympics announced their choice for the official mascots. Cartoon characters named Neve and Gliz, supposedly representing a ball of snow and a block of ic...
Scott Peterson's Thursday Wrap?
Prosecutors in the Scott Peterson murder trial are expected to wrap up their case this week. The judge told jurors that after 18 weeks the prosecution intended closing their case on Thursday. This meant that Modesto Police Detective Craig Grogan retu...
Jury Finds Mark Hacking Guilty Because Of His Last Name
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH-- After just about a month into courtroom hearings, the Mark Hacking murder trial jury made a hasty decision here on Monday. A visibly tired, frustrated and growing impatient jury voted unanimously to convict Mark Hacking for l...
Violence Flares as Witch Hunting is Banned
There were angry violent scenes today when witch burners from all over the country descended on London to protest against parliaments unanimous vote to abolish witch burning in England and Wales.
Bush Creates Snag in Upcoming Presidential Debates
The upcoming Presidential Debates hit a potential snag today when President Bush stated that John Kerry would be required to sign a loyalty oath before participating in the upcoming debates. In an interview with Matt Lauer, Bush made it clear that no...
Virgin's Branson Announces Plans for Private Spaceflight
Sir Richard Branson announced that he would launch "Virgin Galactic"-an effort to build five space ships that will fly as high as 80 miles above earth. With seating for 5 passengers and a flight time of 3 hours, Sir Branson has hit upon a really terr...
Cheneys To Divorce; Lynne Admits to "Freedom-Kissing" Democrat
Washington, DC--In a stunning turn of events shortly before the one and only Vice-Presidential debate, Dick and Lynne Cheney have confirmed that they will be filing for divorce because Lynne once "freedom-kissed" a boy in high school who gr...
George W. Bush Goes Shopping at Georgetown Park Mall
WASHINGTON (AP) President George W. Bush has been spotted at a shopping mall trying to blend in with ordinary shoppers. Presidential advisor Karl Rove said this morning that President Bush was trying to avoid the mistakes his father made during his r...
Key 2004 Election Dates
Monday, November 1: The badly decomposed body of Osama bin Laden is "found."...
Geico sues "Greekco"
US insurance company Geico, upset over a recent advertising campaign by a competitor "Greekco" filed a lawsuit today, citing trademark infringement. "Greekco" insurance company is a small insurance group based in Newark, New Jersey, that caters to...
Scott Peterson : Geragos Guns Grogan
Lead investigator in the Scott Peterson trial, Modesto Police Detective, Craig Grogan finally reached the end of his cross-examination by Geragos. Grogan has spent 7 days testifying and was under the cosh from Scott Peterson's attorney Mark Gerag...
My Pet Titanic
After winning every prize in publishing from Booker to Whitbread and predicted to out sell J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series, My Pet Titanic is about to go into its twenty-ninth printing. More private and reclusive than J.D.Salinger, author Zap...
Scott Peterson Jury Pen Pictures
In any jury trial the breakdown of the jury, as well as the make-up of the individuals, can be critical. In this jury the split is 6 men 6 women but who are these strangers appearing on your television every week?...
President Bush Threatens Military Action Against Ivan And Any Other Hurricane That Wants A Piece
WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Fearing even more damage will be sustained from what seems like a never ending saga of hurricanes, President Bush tried to put worries aside here today and addressed the American public with a plan of action. Many citizens believ...
Noisy Neighbors Force Al-Qaeda Move
Afghanistan - Sources close to the world terror organization Al-Qaeda say that the group is planning a big move, literally. It appears that several of the group's top members are being forced to move by what they are calling "loud, irresponsib...
Wee Jock Poo Pong McPlop In It
The man who used to clean the toilets at Aberdeen station, Wee Jock Poo Pong Mcplop is in it up to his eyeballs. He is the joker responsible for the cost overruns involved in the building of the Scottish Parliament at Holyrood. Great shame too what w...
MTV Airs One Music Video
MTV STUDIOS-- In an effort to shock and awe viewers, MTV played one music video as a reminder to their newer generation fans that they once used to play music videos instead of crappy reality shows and other various suck ass programs. However, not...
Oprah Goes Nuts
Chicago, IL - Only days after surprising her studio audience with new cars, Oprah Winfrey again stunned America by ordering the amputation of each audience member's left leg. The procedures, which mercifully were not aired, were performed by sixty t...
Scott Peterson's Relatives Back In Front Row
Judge Alfred Delucci reconsidered sending the parents of Scott and Laci Peterson to the back of the court following his unhappiness with their behaviour. This may however be a temporary reprieve if the events of last week continue.
Blair throws lavish bash for 9/11cover-up mastermind
Downing Street, Friday - (Rioters) The gold-leaf embossed, guilt-edged party invitations stand proud on the mantlepieces of some of the UK's worst fraudsters, money launderers, terrorists, perjurers, blackmailers and George W Bush sycophants t...
Scott Peterson Serial Killers and Anchors
Scott Peterson on trial, and facing the death penalty if convicted, for the murder of his pregnant wife Laci and their unborn child shed a single tear the day it was confirmed to him that the bodies had been found. This was according to Modesto Polic...
Sir Brian Clough : He Contributed
One of the saddest days of my life was the passing of Brian Clough, undoubtedly the greatest football manager of all time and a true legend in his own time. In order to pay tribute to the Derby and Forest supremo, I thought I would do the interview S...
Wal-mart people like George Bush, not Kerry
According to a recent survey of over 7000 Wal-Mart shoppers, 23.5 percent said they leaned towards voting for President Bush as opposed to 16 percent for Kerry. To test this new poll, our editors sent a reporter to ask fellow Wal-Mart shoppers why t...
CIA Arrest Mrs. Cleaver
Perfect town, USA - Mrs. Cleaver, legendary matriarch of the model American family, portrayed on the popular TV show "Leave it to Beaver," was interrogated and subsequently arrested, after a neighbor made an anonymous call and reported suspicious beh...
Scott Peterson's Defense Attacks
They say that the best form of defense is attack. They are of course wrong as the prosecution team soon found out in the Scott Peterson trial. As Tuesday brought the forensic evidence against Peterson into view, so it is starting to dawn on everyone...
George W. Bush Leads By Example
Not content with accusing their Democratic Presidential rival John Kerry with flip-flopping, the Bush Administration is attempting to provide a current example of how the process actually works.
Pentagon spy arrested at Israeli embassy
The Wailing Wall, Thursday (Rioters) - The Pentagon as announced that a high-ranking Iran specialist has been arrested at the Israeli embassy in Tel Aviv and charged with espionage.
Fantasy Football Owner/Coach Almost Purchases $1,900 Couch After 2nd Straight Win
SAN FRANCISCO (SPOOF) -- Los Frijoles' Fantasy Football team owner, Daniel Ureste, is suspected of temporary insanity when he almost purchased a $1,900 couch after winning his second straight game. When we asked why he would even consider such a...
Scott Peterson Blood & GPS
An expert prosecution witness confirmed that they had used GPS to track Scott Peterson after the disappearence of his wife Laci. They had however experienced a number of glitches, like the time it showed a reading that Scott was travelling at 30 000...
Rabid Bat Found In Surrey
A Bat found in an alley in Surrey has tested positive for rabies which can effect both humans and animals. I was gobsmacked on account of having seen the mother-in-law 2 days ago. I had no idea she could cover this kind of space in such a short time...
Martha Stewart To Head Iraq
Given her penchant for perfection and legendary working hours, Martha Stewart's eight month prison sentence: four in a women's penitentiary; four under house arrest, has been commuted with her appointment by President George W. Bush to take o...
CBS Admits it was Mislead by "Hello Kitty" Memo, Apologizes
New York (AP)-CBS admitted Monday that it had been lied to by a former officer about documents purportedly showing that Bush was suspended from duty while serving in the Texas Air National Guard.
OJ Finds Real Killer
On the 12th June 1994 Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were stabbed to death. Their bodies were found in the courtyard of Nicole's Condo in Brentwood. On October the 3rd 1995 a jury finds Orenthal James Simpson not guilty on both counts of...
Scott Peterson Pathologist Testifies
In shades of Rowan Atkinson's Blackadder, the Lord Executioner episode, where everyone is named Ploppy, Brian Peterson, the pathologist was called to testify on the fetus. When cross-examined Brian was asked if he was related to any of the Peters...
Bin Laden Close To Capture
Islamabad - United State's Officials speaking at a joint conference with their allies say that they are closer to capturing Osama Bin Laden than they have ever been before. One small problem keeps them from swooping down even now ; that being tha...
World War III Sooner Than You Think
At 11h00 on this the 9th day of April 2008 Britain and America declared war on Osama Bin Laden and his allies. We enclose herewith this report on the rest of the day which was filed by Sky News David Chater.
George Lucas: Fans are ruining my old age
Filmmaker George Lucas lashed out at fans who say that his tinkering with the original "Star Wars" trilogy, released earlier this week on DVD, is "ruining their childhood."...
NBC Executives Unanimously Pull The Plug On "Joey" After Just One Episode
NBC STUDIOS-- At a boardroom conference meeting this morning, top NBC officials held a meeting about the cancellation of the T.V. series, "Joey" starring Matt LeBlanc. After just one hour it finally ended with the cancellation of the show...
Cheney named Vice-President for Life
VP is Bronzed, Guilded, and Cast in Concrete.
Washington, DC--President George W. Bush today announced that Vice-President Dick Cheney has been named Vice-President for Life, and that to preseve Cheney for future generations, Cheney has been bronzed and coated in gold leaf, and cast in concrete. "I'm very proud of my Dick," said Bush. "He's done such a superb...
Osama to campaign for Bush
Osama Bin Laden is likely to start his campaign for the US presidential candidate and long time friend Mr Bush later this week, according to our reliable source.
Fifteen Years Later, Noriega Not Missed By People of Panama
A recent poll reveals that fifteen years after his US-forced ouster, Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega is not missed much by his former countrymen.
North Korean Cloud Heads For Florida
It has been roundly agreed in intelligence circles that whatever it was that Pyongyang detonated, it was not a nuclear test. That said the explosion created some form of mushroom cloud and like Charley, Frances and Ivan it is headed for Florida.
Croc Hunter Becomes Hunted
Crikey! That lovable idiot who defies death was last night taken to Brisbane General Hospital after one of his crocodiles took ate Steve Irwin's pinky finger.
English Pubs Introduce Compulsory Ugliness
Health Secretary Dr John Reid is to introduce a bill in parliament making it compulsory for less attractive women to attend their local pub every evening. The bill is in response to pub landlords who believe that far more product is consumed when men...
Bush Administration Vows To Offer National Health Insurance To Other Nations
Washington, DC, and Crawford, TX--President Bush today confirmed that if re-elected, he will offer government-sponsored health care coverage to all other nations who do not currently have national health insurance for their citizens, but his Administ...
Bush Pledges to Drop Defense Budget by Outsourcing Navy to China
Coral Gables, FL- Revealing his October Surprise, President Bush has raised the stakes in this year's presidential contest. In a bold move, Bush has revealed a key component of his plan to slash the defense budget by more than $20 billion dollars...
Batman's Bohemian Rhapsody
On the 4th day of Bonkers my screw did come quite loose...and a partridge in a pear tree. Fathers4Justice Just Hatched an egg.....and a partridge in the pear tree. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Queen was very annoyed at the latest breach of security and...
Extreme Makeover Michael Moore Episode
When we decided to accept Michael Moore's challenge and give him an Extreme Makeover, we realised that this was never going to be easy. Just chatting among ourselves we agreed that Mike would best be served by moving to cities experiencing a blac...
Michael Moore Collection
Michael Moore fresh from his sensational appearence at the Republican Convention held at Madison Square Gardens has decided to enter the world of fashion. Moore stunned the party faithful by making his grand entrance wearing a green Army & Navy Surpl...
John Kerry's Outsourcing??!!
John Kerry's bad economics suggested a stop to off-shoring jobs to countries like India, China etc, where companies gain from the labor cost arbitrage. Little did anyone knows that the Idea or the model he is building up comes from the economist...
Bush Administration Offers Vouchers to Middle Class Citizens Seeking To Flee
Washington, DC--President George W. Bush today outlined his proposal to give vouchers to middle-class Americans seeking jobs, job security, affordable health care, and the promise of an eventual retirement that does not include sleeping on the street...
President Bush Promises "Devastating" Second Term
New York (AP)-In a powerful speech that brought delegates at the Republican National Convention to their feet, President Bush promised a "devastating second term" if re-elected.
Muslim Terror Can This Go On?
Ishmael and Alia Kahn celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, purchased a weekend package at a top London Hotel. It was their way of reaffirming their vows, as well as getting away from the hustle and bustle of modern day Saudia Arabia. It was al...
GOP name goes public - to be sold to highest bidder
In an attempt to raise more money for incumbent President Bush's campaign bid, the Republican Party has come up with a novel strategy -- open corporate sponsorship.
Mr. T Reluctantly Pities Himself, Long Bout With Cancer And Old Age To Blame
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS-- From his bedroom, Mr. T, aka Lawrence Tero, told our reporters he had no other option left but to pity himself. This decision came on the heels of a long battle with cancer and increased aging. For a total of four years now, Mr.
Scissors borrowed for unreasonable amount of time
A pair of Universal Stainless Steel scissors were borrowed today for an unreasonable amount of time in an obvious attempt to make a co-worker's job more difficult.
The Secret of Longevity
Since the beginning of time man has been studying ways to live longer. The cave people did this by simply observing that those who got in the path of a Giant Sloth tended not to live as long as those who didn't. Thus they extended their overall population life span by practicing sloth-avoidance.
There was Ponce de Leon and his frustrated search for the fountain of youth. He missed...
Martha Stewart Wants To Serve Term Now
Martha Stewart who was convicted in March of lying to investigators and covering up a stock sale, wants to serve her 5 months imprisonment now. She figured that as she wasn't doing anything at the moment, she might as well do it now. Stewart will...
A Defiant CBS Strikes Back
New York, NY - In spite of the National Guard document controversy and the record fine levied for Janet Jackson's breast, an undaunted CBS shouted back at the world today with a tough statement which will be read by CBS Chairman and CEO Leslie Moonve...
US Admits It's Also Drugging Journalists
American government sources today confirmed that they are also drugging members of the press but with very little joy so far. Pointing to the New York Times' Maureen Dowd as an example, our source indicated that her writing had been poor and unin...
FOX Fakes Frances!
FLORIDA (AP) TV networks are setting up to cover Hurricane Frances as many Florida residents are running away from the upcoming disaster.
Coke Bushes for votes, Pepsi Kerryes in response
In the first major and historical politico-business alliance, Coke decided to sponsor Bush's election campaign. In a press briefing held at State Department where George Bush and Coke's President of Operations were present on the same dais, c...
Scott Peterson Quiz
Parents of pupils in American junior schools are outraged that their children are being forced to take tests on notorius criminals and other people accused of criminal acts. Take then as your example, the Scott Peterson test.
More Terror Plans Unearthed in Pakistan
The Bush administration has uncovered further evidence of plans to terrorise and intimidate the United States.
JASON AND CORNELIUS LOCK HORNS
STUNT man and actor Kane Hodder has demanded a celluloid confrontation of biblical proportions with Grand Prix Priest Cornelius Horan.