Spoof news stories from March 2004
There were 277 spoof news stories published in March 2004. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Osama Bin Laden to Endorse George W. Bush in 2004 Election
In a shocking new videotape obtained by Al Jazeera television, Osama Bin Laden announced that he would be endorsing George W. Bush for the 2004 elections, and would be doing all he could to get Bush re-elected. Bin Laden announced his plans to perso...
Political Correctness - can it really be applied to Ginger people?
Midgets. Dwarves. Shortarses. Umpa-Lumpas. These types of terms are not politically correct. Munchkins - there, another one. Vertically challenged people recently won a ruling to have themselves referred to as 'little people' and its wrong to...
Wal-Mart Announces Plans to "Rollback" Wages, Employment Practices
Wal-Mart, Inc., the world's largest retailer, has announced plans to expand its wildly successful "Rollback" program to its wages and employment practices, according to a company spokesperson. "The concept of the rollback is extremely simple," compa...
Goldilocks Sues Three Bears
The Forest- Speaking up for herself after years of silence, Goldilocks confirmed her intent to "sue the pants off" the three bears. "I've undergone years of therapy," said the golden-locked beauty, "I'm sure you can imagine, post-traumatic st...
Asteroid plummets toward Britney Spears concert -- NASA launches rocket in attempt to speed it up
Astronomers who spotted a near-earth object approximately 220,000 miles from our planet have calculated the speed and trajectory of the object in relation to orbit speed. They have concluded that the large asteroid will impact directly on the San Die...
Hockey Hit-Man Bertuzzi Makes Many Apologies, Says He Didn't Mean It
TORONTO, Canada (FP) -- Todd Bertuzzi, an All-Star NHL forward, publically apologized to Colorado's Steve Moore, the man whose neck he broke with one damaging punch.
George Bush violated by Elmo during forthcoming election speech
The world thought of Elmo as a cuddly little puppet beloved by children everywhere but that all changed today when Elmo crept up behind George W. Bush after administering enormous amouts of viagra to himself and beg...
Best Dressed at the 2004 Oscars
Hollywood, CA
In respect to the Super Tuesday yesterday, fashionistas waited to give their final review of Oscar's best and worst dressed.
Oscar Wrap-Up
Hollywood, CA
The 76th Annual Academy Awards were last night. Charlize Theron won for Best Actress proving that Oscar believes that when a pret...
Kerry Selects Pee Wee Herman as Running Mate!
Los Angeles, CA. - John Kerry has announced his running mate for the 2004 election - Pee Wee Herman.
Oops! Britney Gets Married Again...to William Hung!
Britney Spears has decided that her first wedding wasn't shocking enough so she got married in a quickie Vegas ceremony again.
Bush Twins to Pose for FHM
Barbara and Jenna Bush, the only sisters who party harder than the Hiltons, have decided to cash in on their fame and pose together for the men's mag, FHM.
Britney and Christina At It Again
Will the cat fights ever stop? The world's two biggest pop-tarts, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, have fought over record sales, number #1 songs, and so much more, or less, in the case of former Mouseketeer turned N'Sync turned solo st...
American Idol's Randy Jackson Writes New Book
Randy Jackson has written a new book. "Well, dawg, it's more like a Randy to English dictionary for those peeps that aren't diggin' on my lingo, peace." He announced to a group at a book-signing somewhere.
Todd Bertuzzi Joins Cast of The Sopranos
NEWARK, N.J. - Vancouver Canucks hockey player (and "goon") Todd Bertuzzi, having been suspended from the National Hockey League has been given a new op-po-toonity. He's going t...
Source Reveals Girl Scout Cookies Actually Made From Girl Scouts
Richmond, VA
ABC Bakers, a subsidiary of Richmond, VA based Interbake Foods, Inc., is coming under fire today, after an inside source revealed...
Clinton-Bin Laden Wedding Jubilee: Britney Spears, Janet Jackson's Nipple No-Shows
Orlando, FL- Two cultures blended beautifully today in a touching ceremony joining Osama Bin Laden and Chelsea Clinton in holy matrimony.
Klan announces new Hispanic membership
Hope, Arkansas
Today the Klu Klux Klan announced that they will be seeking membership from Hispanics, Asians and Indian Americans.
Gra...
Worst Dressed at 2004 Oscars
Hollywood, CA
Thanks to all the responses of our best dressed poll, Jean Valjean Luc Picard, the creator of Les Miserables Enterprise Wear
Hubble Telescope Confirms Origin of Universe
Cape Canaveral, Florida- NASA scientists are elated with the newest findings from the Hubble telescope. The powerful telescope recently sent back images so far away, and so old, that they are believed to be pictures of the very beginning of t...
Donald Trump Takes Over Vatican: Tells Pope "You're Fired!"
Vatican City, Vatican --
The Catholic Church, due to failing membership amongst its disgruntled flock, has been taken over by New York based de...
Bobby Brown & Whitney Houston; Courtney Love Honored With Lifetime Achievement Awards
Green Bay, WI
The National Railroad Museum in Green Bay Wisconsin may seem like a strange venue to be handing out awards to celebrities, howeve...
Report: 65% of NBA Players Pass Gas During Games
San Diego - The University of California San Diego Scripps Research Center released a report today which states that 65% of NBA players pass gas during games. "Over the course of the past two years we conducted a study that included the viewing of t...
Getting Pregnant Results From Sexual Intercourse
Yup. What you learned in sixth grade sex education is true. Sexual intercourse causes pregnancy in 89% of all cases worldwide. Using a turkey baster or enema along with more scientific forms of insemination and virgin births account for the rest of p...
Kentucky Wins NCAA Tournament
Lexington, KY- In what is being called the "shortest March Madness ever," the top-seeded University of Kentucky wildcats have been awarded the NCAA mens basketball trophy, without playing a single tournament game.
Courtney Love Wins Humanitarian Award
Courtney Love, the often-controversial rocker, has finally been recognized for other achievements.
The Passion of the Buddha by Keanu Reeves
Hollywood- Keanu Reeves is set to make his own film as the director and star of "The Passion of The Buddha," a story depicting the "ecstactic passion" and "sexual energy" of Buddha's life before reaching "Nirva...
Names of Space Rovers
Although everybody (at NASA, at least) only cares about what Space Rovers bring back from Mars or any other planet it might land on (Note to those people working at NASA - if you programme a Rover to land on Mars and it comes back wearing a colourful shirt covered in palm trees, wearing sunglasses, and also bearing photos from Pluto...then that's interesting), there's other things.
Osama, Van Halen to Tour Again
Los Angeles- American Supergroup Van Halen has announced plans to tour North America and the Middle East after a long hibernation since 1998. The question that has been bugging everyone as to who their new lead singer shall be has been answered: O...
Bush Confuses Durex With Semtex
Western security forces were put on a high state of alert following a terrorist atrocity at the world's largest condom factory.
Mike Tyson Runs for South Korean Presidency
SOUL, South Korea - Former heavyweight champion boxer Mike Tyson is running for the Presidency of South Korea. He's meaner than anyone in their National Assembly and he's ready to fight.
Giant Mogwais and Gremlins take Tokyo by storm---Godzilla sent packing!
Gremlins and Mogwais, the strange but adorable movie animations were proved a reality in Tokyo on Sunday 14th March 2004 when a Gremlin and a Mogwai, each approximately 100ft tall, entered the city from the direction of Mt. Fuji. We have reason to b...
Cycling Federations to Ban Soda
PARIS, France - Following reports that Italian Cycling great Marco Pantani died as a direct result of a coke overdose, both the United States Cycling Federation and the Amaury Sport Organization have moved to ban all soda beverages from the team tabl...
Malfoy's Heart Grown Fond Of Horror Brown
It has been brought to the attention of many in the last week, and it's somewhat shocking. Potter bad-boy Tom Felton has fallen deeply in love with the girl rumoured to portray Lavender Brown. Her name is known among the crowds of freaks and strr...
9-11 - The Musical!
Preparations are in motion for a musical that will be based on the events of 9-11. The musical, which will star all of the original political figures including Bush, Rumsfeld and Powell, paints the events as a tragedy, but a tragedy that leads to he...
Phil Donahue replaces Rumsfeld - Announces new "flower power" initiative for U.S. military
In what some are calling a drastic move to appease the left going into this election season, President Bush has fired Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense and replaced him with former talk show host and liberal activist Phil Donahue.
Man Actually Buys and Uses Bowling Alley Condom
In a rare event, 27-year-old Glen Harrison actually purchased a condom from the machine in a bowling alley restroom on Friday night.
NASA Press Briefing: "We're All Screwed!"
In a stunning press conference held today, NASA had promised to make a "significant" announcement regarding findings from it's Spirit and Opportunity Mars landers, and for once, NASA did not disappoint. Details surrounding the announcement had been...
Britney Spears Married Again: "I'm a Slave 4U, Christina"
Las Vegas, Nevada- In an attempt to recover from stagnant record sales, Britney Spears once again got drunk and married in Las Vegas. This time her victim, er spouse, is none other than dueling pop diva Christina Aguilera.
What Ketchup Does John Kerry Use?
As some of you may be aware, Senator John Kerry is married to a member of the Heinz ketchup family, Teresa Heinz. The couple maintains that it is a match made of love and mutual respect. They also say they have nothing to do with the ketchup company.
Teenager Claims He Bought Porno Mag For The Articles
AUSTIN, TEXAS - A 13-year-old boy, caught in possession of last month's issue of Playboy Magazine, was grounded yesterday for three weeks by his mother, Megan Williams.
Courtney Love Left Wondering
NEW YORK, New York - After waking up in a strange hotel room, Rocker and notorious "bad girl" Courtney Love phoned David Letterman asking if she'd actually made her appearance on his show, and if she'd done anything "stupid&quo...
Hobbits Invade the Oscars: Will the Lord of the Rings Travesty Ever End?
Last night's Academy Awards saw Peter Jackson and his Lord of the Rings Trilogy astoundingly rewarded.
Mini Eggs in Controversy Storm
A small group of activists is currently lobbying to lift the ban on the year long sale of Cadbury's Mini-Eggs.
Pope declares Kerry ‘Second Coming'
Vatican, Friday - In a shock announcement made at an impromptu Press Conference this morning the Supreme Pontiff has declared that John Kerry is "Christ reincarnated".
McDonald's fast food chain faces new competition
The 'McDonald's' fast food chain now faces being unable to keep up with competition, as the new 'McHenry's' chain opens.
Bin-Laden Found in Blockbuster Movie Trilogy
The world was literally sitting on the edge of its seat yesterday as American government officials announced at the Pentagon that they had pinpointed the exact location of the world's most notorious terrorist, Osama bin-Laden.
Saturn Actually Made of Booze
Cape Canaveral, FL., U.S.A. - Scientists from N.A.S.A. made an unexpected discovery today when a unmanned space probe retrieved evidence that the planet Saturn may actually be an alcoholic's paradise.
Deadly New Breed Of Spiders Stow Away in Ship
All over the United Kingdom, panic has been caused, as scientists have announced that fifty thousand deadly Pink Widows, a lethally poisonous new breed of spider, have stowed away on a cargo ship and are heading for the UK.
Kerry Shows Bush A Fine Pair Of Tits
Senator John Kerry's amazing hairstyle overshadowed his recent Democratic Party Presidential nomination, when a pair of tits were found in his magnificent mane.
Max Clifford: An Apology
Thespoof, together with other major national daily newspapers in the UK, apologises unreservedly to PR guru Max Clifford, together with all of his clients, for failing to produce coverage of any of his clients yesterday.
Bush Administration Strikes Deal to Change Name of Convenience Store Chain
Washington, D.C. - The Bush Administration announced today that they have struck a deal with 7-Eleven Inc., the owner of the popular 7-11 convenience store chain to change the name of all stores to 9-11, effective immediately.
Superman Calls It Quits At 89
Superman has finally called it quits. The 89 year-old superhero has been suiting up in spandex for as long as he can remember and is ready to retire. He made the decision based on the fact that "the world is so corrupted there's not a darn t...
Hair today ......gone tomorrow
AUSTRALIA
Doctors at an unnamed Sydney Hospital ,today announced an amazing new breakthrough in the treatment of alopecia,(hair loss).
Af...
Cruise & Cruz Split - Cruise on cruise
Hollywood couple Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz have split up it is reported. Their three year relationship is said to have finished at the end of January and is believed to have been amicable.
Ben Affleck Begins Dating Again
It's official. The "Ben" part of the entity formerly known as "Bennifer" has moved on with his life.
New Extrreme Sport from Down Under
AUSTRALIA - A new extreme sport is gaining popularity 'down under'. Based on the medieval sport of knights,'Jousting'...
Britney's Arden Cosmetics for Clowns Only
New York , N.Y. - Britney Spears' launch of her own cosmetics line through Elizabeth Arden will be limited to make-up for clowns.
Ron Wood Back to the Bottle; Keith Richards Furious
Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood has reportedly been back to his drinking habit after staying sober for the past two years. Everyone in the Rolling Stones organization, including lead singer Mick Jagger, is said to be so worried about this---wit...
Bush IQ Lower Than Toddler's
Washington, DC- When President George Bush lost a friendly bet with a friend last week, he didn't expect to enter into an IQ test competition with the friend's 2 1/2 year old daughter. Most of his aides didn't expect him to lose.
Lip Shaped Urinals have new buyer.
NEW YORK, New York - Virgin Atlanitc Airlines remained coy about the rumors, but insiders insist that the red-lipsticked, mouth shaped urinals that Virgin had orignally planned to install in their lounge at New York's JFK Airport have a new buyer...
Scientists discover galaxy far, far away
Astronomers using the Hubble Space Telescope (HST) which unveiled the deepest look into the universe yet, last week, have made another breakthrough.
Rapper 50 Cent To Change Name
50 Cent, the controversial rapper, has decided it was time to upgrade his name. "Yo, wif' inflation, my peeps decided I should change my name to A Buck-fifty, yo." He announced today from the balcony of his new presidential palace in Ha...
Bush "troubled" by activist Founding Fathers
WASHINGTON -- President Bush said Wednesday he was "troubled" by assertions of so-called "Constitutional" rights and the right to "pursue happiness", referring to legal decisions in Massachusetts and the Ninth Circuit an...
White House Reveals Program To Wipe Out HIV-AIDS
Washington DC: The Bush Administration announced today that it intends to "Wipe Out HIV-AIDS" (WOHA) by November 2004.
DARPA Announces "Specially Challenged Robot" Event
Arlington, VA - With the failture of any of the Robots designed for the DARPA Challenge to actual complete the course, the military think tank has decided to try another competition for the "Specially Challenged Robot".
Jilted Ken tells of "living hell with Barbie"
IT WAS with tears in his synthetic eyes that plastic American icon Ken opened his heart to The Spoof this week, as the recently dumped male doll revealed the "raging drug fueled attacks" he regularly suffered at the hands of his form...
Dr. Phil's New Book: 7 Steps to Forging Your Ph.D
CHICAGO -- Perhaps the world's most recognized more-talk-than-walk weight loss guru after Oprah, Dr. Phil McGraw has just released a revealing new book entitled "7 Steps to Forging Your Ph.D".
Finally a Cure for Baldness - Elective Decapitation
Los Angeles, CA - Scientists at U.C.L.A. have just announced a revolutionary approach to treating baldness - called Elective Decapitation.
Courtney Love Fires Herself in Courtroom Drama
Beverly Hills, CA - Singer and actress (?!) Courtney Love, who recently completed an on-line law degree, decided to represent herself in court this week and promptly fired herself.
Canada Joins E.U.
Toronto, Canada- Baffling geographers around the globe, Canada officially became a member of the European Union this morning.
Oscar the Grouch's Secret Shame
Oscar the Grouch has decided to tell the world just what makes him so grouchy. "When I was a little grouch, I was an altar boy and a priest...I can't go on. It hurts too much." He wept to an audience filled with Garbage Collectors at th...
Ex-Aide Arrested for Plotting Peace
A former Democratic Congressional aide has been charged with attempting to make peace with Iraq before the war. Susan Lindauer, ex aide to Senator and Democratic Presidential hopeful Carol Mosley-Braun, has been arrested and charged with working with...
George Bush: not funny anymore.
In the early days of his term George Bush 2 was seen as a gift to all satirists the world over. He beat off stiff competition from such favourites as Ronald "thick as shit" Regan, George "Shrub" Bush 1 and Bill "Shag monster" Clinton to win the award...
Where Have All the Cartoon Hotties Gone?
Remember when Judy Jetson was hot? My brother used to salivate over her. He could have been teething, though. We were young. I, personally, had a thing for He-man. He was master of my universe for about a week in 1983.
Reality TV Show for Space Rovers to be Filmed on Mars
BBC TV have announced that they will be launching a new reality TV programme called 'I'm a Space Rover, Get Me Off This Planet', to be shown on the BBC's all new Reality TV Channel.
Surprise Swedish Find: Smoking Cure for Alzheimer's
Stockholm, Sweden-The latest news from the Swedish Institute of Health reveals a surprising new find in geriatrics. Smokers are 86% less likely to suffer fro...
Rumsfeld: ‘Operation Spanish Freedom under way'
Minutes after the announcement of Jose Aznar's massive defeat in Spanish National elections, Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld urged the free world to intervene and restore law and order in the Iberian peninsula: "Socialist Jose Zapatero, the se...
"Eat my socks... wait. Eat my depleted uranium" - Bush
It became evident that the United States of America was very serious about its attempts to take over Canada and, presumably, the rest of the world. When the French Prime Minister authorized the launch of twenty-six nuclear warheads against the United...
Bucking the Trend, Burger King Introduces "Fat-Ass" Sizing
After this week's stunning announcement by McDonald's that it would be eliminating the "Super-Size" option from it's menus, analysts wondered if other major fast food chains would follow their lead as they have done in the past.
New Olympic Sport Ready for Summer 2008
Verona, Italy --
The newest Olympic sport has been announced today. Bocce ball. Yes, the Italian equivalent of lawn bowling, is coming to the...
Swan turns the tables on Bjork
In a follow-up to Bjork's controversial appearance at the 2002 Oscars in a swan dress, that sparked both applause and condemnation from Critcs, the Swan at the center of the event has decided to wear a Bjork dress at the Opening Gala dinner of th...
Bush: Fascism is good for Democracy
In a shock statement from the Whitehouse today, President Bush has called for an end to the universal right to vote.
Maury Povich Show Makeover Success for Jackson
After more then 2,000 purported plastic surgeries Michael Jackson has achieved the results he has strived to obtain for nearly two decades. Appearing on the Maury Povich All Star Celebrity Make Over Special, Jackson returned in 6 weeks looking...
KARL ROVER the next generation
Just in time for the final showdown in November NASA has newly equipped their Karl Rover Election Assistance Vehicle to win the war on the American votes. Some of its most effective features are:...
American Idol Obscene Gesture Controversy
It seems that American Idol has come up against those crazy censors. One of the contestants licked her lips the other night and about 1,000,032 people text messaged the FCC.
Condoleeza Rice's Lips Are Sealed
Washington, DC---
National Security Advisor, Condoleeza Rice, will not testify before the Committee to Figure out What the Heck Happened on 9/1...
Anne Robinson stars in new sitcom
BBC TV have announced the production of Seasons 1-3 of their new sitcom, You are the Weakest Millionare, Goodbye, is finished.
PETA Takes a Bite out of Roadkill
Los Angeles, CA-As People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) begins its annual spring fundraising drive, it has released a new series of billboards across the nation's highways. The newest ad campaign features photographs of pancaked raccoo...
Stephen Hawking To Be Launched Into Space
NASA announced today that they would be sending Stephen Hawking into space to serve as Earth's ambassador to the Interstellar Federation of Alien Races Tribunal (IFART). This organization, comprised of over 500 different intelligent species from 134 different galaxies, is responsible for 95% of all alien visits to the planet Earth.
"Of course we can't control all traffic to th...
God To Smite Gibson
The recent controversy over Mel Gibson flick "The Passion of the Christ" has reached new heights as long time movie critic God steps in to the forum.
"Get your a** out of my way or I'll destroy the whole world" - Bush
WASHINGTON D.C. --- During a scheduled phone conversation between George Bush, the president of the United States of America, and Paul Martin, the Prime Minister of Canada, Bush argued with Martin about the American military presence in Iraq. Accordi...
No need to Spoof: Kevin Costner says people shouldn't attack Mel Gibson
NEW YORK -- Kevin Costner said people "shouldn't be attacking" Mel Gibson for "The Passion of the Christ," in an interview on the syndicated entertainment TV show "Access Hollywood."...
Howard Dean To Star As Hellboy
After dropping out of the race for president last month, former Vermont governor Howard Dean is once again in the news-this time campaigning for his new film, Hellboy.