Spoof news stories from December 2003
There were 195 spoof news stories published in December 2003. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Reality Scoop - Trista and Ryan's Divorce
Citing irreconcilable bank accounts, Trista and Ryan of 'The bachelorette' fame have filed for divorce just weeks after their on-TV wedding.
Sixth Harry Potter book to be X-rated
Bloomsbury has only just announced that the sixth Harry Potter book, the name revealed to be "Harry Potter and the Bondage of Volemort" is to be X-rated. The announcement is set to devastate millions of youngsters across the world.
Michael Jackson Verdict
NEVERLAND RANCH -- After a tolling and restless trial, Michael Jackson was found unanimously innocent by the Los Angeles Superior Court on Thursday afternoon. Standing arm-in-arm with his lawyer, Michael bid a fond greeting complete with silly laugh...
TV Talk: Trista Pregnant, Ryan Furious
Confirming circulating rumors that have been the buzz of the underground reality TV circuit, Trista (of "The Bachelorette" and "Trista & Ryan's Wedding" fame) has confirmed that she is indeed with child... and it's NOT Rya...
Coming Soon: Survivor 9
Earlier today, CBS President Les Moonves announced that with the Fall 2004 season, there would be some "big changes" to the format of their wildly popular "Survivor" program. CBS announced earlier this year that it would be airing the 8th Survivor, "...
Kermit The Frog Endorses Howard Dean
Montpelier Vermont: In a speech to save the nations wet lands, entertainer Kermit The Frog announced that he will back former Vermont Governor Howard Dean's bid for the 2004 Democratic nomination.
Cradle of Filth to be Christmas Number 1
The latest UK music singles sales figures suggest that Death Metal band Cradle of Filth are on course for their first Christmas number 1.
Taco Bell Dog Enters Rehab
Los Angeles California
Former Taco Bell spokesman "Guapo El Perro" checked into the Betty Ford clinic today for treatment related to alcohol abuse. Mr. El Perro's agent Joseph Camel stated that hard times have fallen on the once beloved mascot in the years since his contract with Taco Bell was dropped. "Mr. El Perro is commited to winning his battle with alcoholism and...
Matrix 4 in the Pipeline
The Wachowski Bros. are reported to be in the late stages of writing the script for a continuing episode to their Matrix series. Titled, "Beginnings", Matrix 4 depicts the build up to the rise of the machines against the human race and is a...
Tom Hanks A Violent Drunk, Friends Say
The most beloved personality of our generation seems to have a hidden dark side according to those close to him. Tom Hanks (not to be confused with Tom Cruise) apparently can't control his emotions once he has partaken of adult beverages.
Mick Jagger Turns Down Knighthood
In a stunning announcement, Mick Jagger, erstwhile gigolo and frontman for the Rolling Stones, declared that he would not be accepting his MBE (knighthood) from the Queen unless he could "shag some Royal arse anytime he pleases."...
White House Unveils Global Warming PR Campaign
Washington DC: Responding to worldwide criticism of its environmental policies, the Bush Administration has announced a new public information and awareness campaign entitled "Beyond Kyoto: A New Look At Global Warming."...
Michael Jackson: Sexiest Man Alive
People Magazine announced today its' selection for its' yearly Sexiest Man Alive---Michael Jackson.
Tom Cruise Cured of Dyslexia
American Superstar Tom Cruise has been cured of Dyslexia, Tokyo General Hospital announced recently.
Charles Manson Released From Prison
A California Judge has ordered the immediate release of Charles Manson from prison. Manson was serving a life sentence after he was convicted of seven counts of first-degree murder almost 35 years ago.
Keanu Reeves Home Raided For Animal Endangerment
Early Tuesday morning the Los Angeles County sheriffs department raided actor Keanu Reeves' Hollywood estate. The raid took place after an anonymous tip made the week before. Reeves was taken out in hand cuffs and animal control officers carted off d...
Terror alert system gets new "lavender" color: Chertoff's family worried
Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced yesterday that the five colors on the terror alert scale just aren't enough, and plans to add a sixth color - lavender - to the list. The new color is to be put between white, or "nor...
Crackle, of famed trio Snap, Crackle, and Pop, dies
Crackle, of the famed trio that graced Rice Krispie boxes for decades, has passed away, a company spokesman said today.
A New Alternative to Fossil Fuels?
Several days ago eyewitnesses at a Californian dock caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a man producing fire from his hiney-hole!...
No more nonsense sayings: it confuses the thicks
It has been announced today that people will be banned from saying things that dont make sense. The proposed penalty for such an offence will be a sharp greeting from Mr. Truncheon, followed by a swift frog march down to spend some time at Her Majest...
Pope says 'yes' to flavoured condoms
Pope John Paul II has advocated the used of flavoured condoms after Vatican researchers discovered they are technically classified as ‘novelty toys' rather than contraceptives.
New Diet Water: Negative One Calorie
Coca Cola has announced the forthcoming release of its newest product line, Diet Water, which offers "not just zero calories---but negative one calorie" .
Demi Moore splits with Kutcher after love prank
Demi Moore has sensationally split up with younger boyfriend Ashton Kutcher - after discovering that their eight month relationship was a practical joke for his TV show ‘Punk'd'.
Keith Richards Arrested For Turning 60
Sussex- Rolling Stones Guitarist Keith Richards has been arrested on charges of "turning 60 without dying yet."...
Britney's Sexy Christmas Tree
Sexy Britney got a pleasant surprise when he got her Christmas tree home and it began singing raunchy Spice Girls hits.
George W. Bush's Long, Lost Twin Found!
In Washington yesterday, President George W. Bush was reunited with his long, lost twin brother, Greg, William Baker (Bush). For years it had been a secret in the Bush family that George had a twin.
Cliff Richard Releases Late Christmas Single
Old School rock star, Sir Cliff Richard is due to release his Christmas single this Friday lagging far behind his competitors.
Queer Eye For That Saddam Guy
The Bravo Network is announcing that it has shot and will air an episode of its highly popular reality TV program in which some gay men do a total makeover on a needy heterosexual male.
Al Gore Caught Cross Dressing At New York Night Club!
Al Gore was caught in full "Drag" as he left The Lucky Lady Night Club off Broadway last Thursday. He claims to having taken up a job as an "exotic dancer" to cure his depression after loosing the 2000 Presidential Elections.
Bush To Eliminate Seperation of Church and State, Claims to Be "Divine"
Washington DC: Speaking from the White House Press Room, President Bush announced today that the US will do away with the notion of Church and State.
Scientists Discover Ancient Gargantuan Penis
On Friday December 5th Scientists claimed to have stumbled onto the largest and oldest penis on record. The penis was not damaged.
Wal-Mart to please shoppers with Self Shopping carts!
Wal-Mart is set to unveil the latest member of their family this spring. This item will not be gracing their shelves however, but their sales floor itself. Self Shopping Carts will be introduced in late March to select stores and will be in all store...
McDonalds to Shut Down Under Weight of PETA Protests
George Kroc, CEO of McDonalds, announced today that the hugely successful fast food franchise will be closing its doors for good at the end of the year due to intense pressure from the animal rights organization PETA.
Princess Royal Put Down
In a bizarre veterinary accident, Princess Anne has been put down instead of her Bull Terrier, Florence. The Princess Royal had decided to kill her beloved pet after the dog had first torn apart one of her mothers Corgis then bit one of the maids at...
Alice Cooper 'accidentally stapled to floor'
Unfortunate rock-god Alice Cooper told of his Hell as his hands were stapled to the floor of his Los Angeles home. Cooper said, "I was having some fun with a staple gun, and look what happened."...
Wave of Fast-Food Mascot Serial Murders Has Police Baffled
A shocked fast-food community is trying to come to grips with a wave of killings that apparently is only targeting their own super star personalities.
Roll of Bubble Wrap Now 2nd Democratic Frontrunner Behind Dean, Gaining
Des Moines, Iowa-A roll of bubble wrap discovered in the back of a UPS warehouse in Moscow, Idaho has thrown its hat into the political arena in the quest of the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.
Government Bans Christmas Trees
The humble Christmas Tree's roots began over 1000 years ago when some Christian dude got peeved with a bunch of pagans worshipping an oak tree. To spite them, he chopped it down with his ye olde Black and Decker hand operated chain saw.
Super Bowl Canceled Amid Fears of Terrorist Attack
Houston, TX: Citing advice from the CIA and the Homeland Security Task Force based on evidence obtained from Saddam's recent capture, the NFL owners have voted unanimously to cancel the Super Bowl. "We were convinced that an attack on...
A Different Threat
Four Al Qaida Terrorists wearing flowing robes and keffiyahs were driving a rented Subaru Legacy Outback along a back road in Americas Catskill Mountains. They had a picture of Osama Bin Laden, you remember the one with Burt from the Muppets in the b...
Beagle Probe Found
The Space Explorer Beagle has been found in the backyard of Festus P. Hyman in Billings, Montana.
Las Vegas Rocked By Terrorist Attack
Today approximately 1,500 terrorists attacked Sin City in an unprecedented and brilliant scheme. The attackers were all disguised as Elvis impersonators.
Cruise & Kidman Marriage was Contract
This story has been removed as per the requests made by Mr Cruise's lawyers.
Ozzy Osbourne's Quad Bike Crashed By A Bat Out Of Hell
Paranormal investigators were looking into claims that a ‘bat out of hell' was responsible for the tragic quad bike crash in which Ozzy suffered horrific injuries.
Life on Mars
The British mars Lander Beagle 2 has sent back dramatic photographs from Mars' surface. The photo taken from a separate part of the probe clearly shows that there is life on mars!...
Stupid Slogans
You know, there is an advertising slogan so illogical and frustrating that I cannot and will not allow it to go uncritiqued anymore (I have been losing sleep over this). It is for a certain chain of restaurants here in America (maybe started abroad).
The restaurant is Outback Steakhouse and it's slogan is — No Rules, Just Right.
War Erupts At Disney World
After the Seven Dwarves Security Council had passed resolution after resolution to force Donald Duck, ducktator of Frontierland, to allow weapons inspections in his part of the theme park, President Mickey Mouse ordered an invasion by Main Street USA...
Limbaugh A Drug Lord, Dental Records Show
Conservative nationally syndicated radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh has been indicted as a drug lord by the FBI. After a judge ordered that Mr. Limbaugh's dental records be revealed, a member of the Federal Bureau of Investigation made the conn...
Michael Jackson's UK Tour to go ahead
Michael Jackson has said that he will be flying to the UK in the new year in order to promote his new album, Touching Bottoms.
New Game: Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings
According to a small article in the New York Times, plans are being formulated by computer game manufacturer, EA (electronic arts), in which players can fight with the main characters from the two fantasies.
Sexy Suicide Bombers Get Their Kits Out
Christmas-time has traditionally proved difficult for the terrorist family.
Robbie Williams single in drugs storm
Robbie Williams' new single ‘Ecstasy' will be released on February 9, despite controversy over whether the song advocates the use of the Class A dance drug of the same name.
Girlfriend's Australian Accent Getting Annoying
Todd Stevens, 25 of Gainesville, FL, says that the Australian accent of his girlfriend, Tamayra Irwin, 24, has gone from cute and charming to increasingly annoying over the past few months.
Russell Crowe Has Ape Baby
AN OVERJOYED and proud Russell Crowe produced the missing link that evolutionary scientists have been searching for over a century.
Spoofer's Rise To Glory, Fall From Grace: The Barbara Walters Interview
Spoof artist Blind Fool's rise in the spoofing entertainment industry has been as dramatic as it has been brief. But the writer's quick rise has been, in fact, too fast. The fame and gruelling schedule has proven too much for him.
Scientists discover cure for Kelly Osbourne
Scientists in the U.S. have discovered a cure for the young pop rock banshee's eternal pathetic attempts to follow her father's foot steps.
Clint Eastwood to Play Batman, Really
Hollywood, CA- Warner Bros. has just announced the long-awaited cast of the new Batman movie, with a stunning coup d'etat in the lead role: Clint Eastwood.
Bush Loses Chess Match to New Supercomputer
In a surprise turn of events today at the World Championship of Chess, President and Chess Master George W. Bush was defeated by IBM's newest super computer.
Pope sets date for Armageddon
In a shocking announcement from the Vatican this week Pope John-Paul revealed that he and a number of high ranking cardinals decided the date in a committee meeting last month. 26th March 2004 is the provisional date with Jesus' return tour expec...
Chuckle Brothers Reveal Saddam as Long Lost Brother
The Brothers from Rotherham today announced that the evil Tyrant was in fact their long lost brother. It was a painful time for the brothers as they announced that Saddam Hussein (formally Saddam Chuckle), who was adopted at birth by an Iraqi family...
Is Religion too easy?
Religion versus science or science versus religion - whichever way you look at it, it the same question.
Old Bitch; Skater Chick at Heart
TINSLEY, AZ -- Today famed California State Senator Diane Finestein shocked 50 of the world greatest skaters when she took to the half pipe with presence.
Saddam has BIN LAID-EN
Following a more thorough search of Saddam's bunker in Tikrit American soldiers came across this ''unusual'' photo underneath his pillow along-side a red rose and 2lbs of viagra.
Yoda Signs 20 Million Dollar Contract For Next Star Wars Movie
Dagaboo
Actor and Jedi Master Yoda reportedly signed a 20 million dollar deal today to continue the role of himself in the upcoming Star...
Keown to star in new Apes film
Arsenal footballer Martin Keown has landed a cameo role in the new Planet of the Apes film, set for release late next year.
Who's the Bitch? The Hardest Part of Being Gay
A recent poll from the Defence Department of Statistics (DDS) has concluded the number one difficulty of being a homosexual in America, is deciding who will assume the 'bitch' role in the relationship.
Jacko Bites The Queen's Favourite Corgi, 'Gripper'-- Turns Albino Overnight
The Queen revealed her sensitive side when she was informed that her favourite corgi, Gripper, had been bitten by Michael Jackson.
O.J. Still Looking For ‘Real Killer'
LOS ANGELES-O.J. Simpson today was seen combing downtown Los Angeles, searching the cosmopolitan stores, dining at the plush restaurants and visiting the rich and famous; all of part of what he says is his ‘Tireless search for the real killer.'...
Ariel Sharon and Yassar Arafat Secretly Wed
Jerusalem
Hand in hand, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Yassar Arafat announced today that they were secretly wed thi...
Doctor Who unveils new TARDIS
Doctor Who, famous Time Lord and owner of 300 Millets scarves, revealed his newest form of transport today, using a shiny brand-spanking-new TARDIS device.
UK's Mars probe crashes on crashed US probe, which crashed on crashed Russian probe
In what scientists are describing as odd series of coincidences, the United Kingdom's spacecraft which was to land on Mars, called "Beagle 2", crashed landed directly on top of NASA's Polar Lander, which crashed on Mars in 1999.
Teen Kicks Marijuana Habit With Help of Cocaine
LAKEWOOD, CA-Richard Burton, a local high school student has reported to his friends and family that he has successfully released himself from the grip of a marijuana habit which had held him so tightly throughout his tenth and eleventh grade years.
Michael Douglas Is Only Half The Man He Used To Be
‘Tinsel Town' was in a state of panic last night when it was found that a deadly, new strain of virus was causing celebrities to shrink.
Traffic Warden Fines introduced.
Tony Blair yesterday announced plans to introduce an unlimited fining system by which traffic wardens can be penalised for a wide variety of behaviour. The fines, starting at £30 can be imposed by any member of the public whilst a warden is on duty i...
Pikeys mourn those lost in disaster
TODAY was a solemn day for Scotland's community of Travellers, as they remembered those lost in the September 12th disaster. It was only a few months ago, that the disater occurred, when a McDonalds lorry, crashed into the capital of the Pikey se...
Saddam Rates Cleveland
In a stunning development, United States Pro Consul for Iraq, Paul Bremmer announced the capture of former dictator Saddam Hussein. Hussein, known as Scooter by his friends, was interrogated by Coalition Forces about his time on the run.
Bush Baghdad visit "less realistic" than moon landing
Nine out of ten Americans think that George W Bush's recent Thanksgiving Day trip to Baghdad was staged - many saying they believed the 1969 moon landing to be "more realistic".
Statue of Liberty To Have New Home!
The Statue of Liberty was purchased by a Baptist Church in the Heartland of the U.S. today. The First Church of Baptist purchased the landmark from the city of New York for a whopping 235 million dollars.
Santa Off Target - Shock.
Santa Claus has been found hiding by American soldiers in a farmouse basement in a village near Tikrit, Iraq. Besides his bedraggled clothing, his only other posessions were a tin of Cherry Blossom brown boot polish and several gallons of grey hair d...
Toothache
As the title might suggest to the more intellectually proficient among you, I have a tooth ache, so don’t expect me to be funny, charming, erudite or even mildly polite. My tooth hurts and when your tooth hurts you are absolved from all pretense of the social graces. It’s not like, say a bullet in the shoulder on the battlefield, where you can grit your teeth and mutter, “It’s ok, I’ll live; now l...
Kurt Russell & Crowe: Ending a Road
HOLLYWOOD - These two superstars have made a public pact: to stop making films and start exploiting them. After realizing how many more millions they would never receive in distribution costs, they vowed never to create, and to only distort, terroriz...
What a Turkey
On Thanksgiving morning I woke up, turned on CNN and was amazed to find out that George Bush had flown to Iraq for two and a half hours without any advance warning.
Bill Gates Confesses to being an alien!
In what is one of the most shocking relevations ever, Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft Inc. has confessed to being an alien. Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft expressed his surprise in a statement issued from his home where he is lying in a fetal posit...
Spoof writer sacked after paedophile weblink scam
Famous Spoof writer Martyn Memberton has been sensationally sacked - after callously directing online readers to a police paedophile entrapment website if they rated his stories badly.
Gnomes go on strike!
The NUG (national union of Gnomes) announced this week that huge numbers of Gnomes will join others in striking this week in protest of low wages. 'Payment for Gnomes is a a record low, down 20% on last year. We thought we had ended Gnome discrim...
Condoms Overrated
HOPE, ANSTRUM BAY -- The glitz has died down over the past several years, as boys and girls of all ages are no longer curious to see whether or not the modern-age invention condoms; actually work at all.
Homer Simpson Gets Mugged
Homer Simpson received a Christmas surprise when a group of muggers went on a festive buying spree and emptied the shops of all his CDs and merchandise.
Queen slams Anne in Christmas Speech
The Queen's Christmas Day speech was recorded at an Army barracks this year - because it was the only place where Her Majesty felt safe from Princess Anne's killer dog.
Rolling Stones to Roll into Iraq
Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger announced that the Rolling Stones will be playing in the deserts of Baghdad early next year.
Nearly Immaculate Poll Has ACLU Writhing In Birth Pangs Of Rage
Reacting to a new shock poll by Fox News claiming that a fully 87% of Americans say nativity scenes should be allowed on government property, the Anti Christian Liberals Union declared those 87% of Americans as unconstitutional.
Did ancient man control the weather?
For Millennia man has sought to control the weather. From the Stone Age to the modern day - farmers, magicians and lawyers have sought to influence the elements.
Terror suspects granted full access to US courts, immediately sue McDonalds, "Big tobacco"
Immediately following California's 9th Circuit Federal Appeals Court ruling that suspected terrorists being held at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba should have access to lawyers and the American court system, all hell broke loose.
Our Foreign Correspondent
Three months ago, The Spoof inaugurated it's offices in Germany. After, a week of total mayhem....err...I mean, total boredom, we hired our new foreign correspondent. His name was Ichspreche Nichtenglisch. The German folk loved his reporting.
That's why our CEO, Parodius McSpoofus decided to transfer him to our headquarters in California. And I, being the main editor asked h...
Saddam Destroyed the World, Bush Says
United States President George W. Bush revealed today that the Administration has evidence that Saddam Hussein was responsible for the complete destruction of the planet earlier this year.
Rumsfeld: Kill more, faster
December 7, 2003 Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, stated that the Bush Administrations policy in Iraq had "gone off the cliff". Mr. Gingrich, who knows a great deal about going over cliffs, having done so h...
Lewinsky Loses Lawsuit
Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky, whose brief affair with Bill Clinton nearly ended in the impeachment of the former President in 1999 for the crime of sleeping with some really ugly women, has had her claim to recoup 1.16 million US dollars...
Tat-a! Blackole
Residents of Blackole say they are "sick and tired of cheap tat". The high street, Blackole, looks like any high street at first glance. But look again. None of the shops have anything worth buying.!...
The Domino Effect
A survey of Domino Pizza delivery drivers showed that those with Howard Dean for President bumper stickers on their cars were tipped better than those with Bush for President Stickers, according to a CNN report. The Bumper Sticker Survey, which has b...