The Spoof : 2003 spoof news stories

Vader spanked Japanese woman

Intergalactic hussy, Darth Vader, appeared in court on Tuesday charged with indecently spanking a japanese woman. The incident, recreated in the picture shown here, is said to have undergone surgery after one lightsaber strike too many.

Michael Jackson to be in Fourth Harry Potter movie

LONDON, ENGLAND- Warner Bros. announced a new addition to the cast of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire today. Michael Jackson was recently added to be the voice of the House Elf, Winky.

Reality Scoop - Trista and Ryan's Divorce

Citing irreconcilable bank accounts, Trista and Ryan of 'The bachelorette' fame have filed for divorce just weeks after their on-TV wedding.

Peter Stringfellow to Loan Libido

Peter Stringfellow is to loan his libido to Japan in an attempt to halt it's declining birth rate, it was announced yesterday.

Hulk Porn Greeted With Bad Press

NEW YORK CITY-Comic book legend Stan Lee announced that the release of Marvel's new adult movie Hulk In The Pants' will be delayed due to the string of bad press the unreleased movie has already received from critics.

Prince Charles & His Butler - The Full Exclusive!

In an exclusive interview with ex-royal footman, Mr. George Smith, The Spoof has the full story on Prince Charles and what he got up to with his former butler Michael Fawcett.

Timmy Mallet - Chick Boy O.B.E

Legendary children's television presenter, leading musician and heroin addict Timmy Mallet (real name Timothy Mallet) attended Buckingham palace today to receive an OBE for his outstanding work in recruiting transsexuals in Dorset.

Prince Charles to Marry Gay Bishop

The Prince of Wales and Bishop Gene Robinson have ended weeks of speculation with the sudden announcement that they are to be married.

Prince Charles's Servant Finds Royal Wormhole

The troubled apprentice-king' hit the headlines again, yesterday, when an ex-servant revealed intimate details of a royal wormhole that he had experienced.

Michael Jackson Verdict

NEVERLAND RANCH -- After a tolling and restless trial, Michael Jackson was found unanimously innocent by the Los Angeles Superior Court on Thursday afternoon. Standing arm-in-arm with his lawyer, Michael bid a fond greeting complete with silly laugh...

Sixth Harry Potter book to be X-rated

Bloomsbury has only just announced that the sixth Harry Potter book, the name revealed to be "Harry Potter and the Bondage of Volemort" is to be X-rated. The announcement is set to devastate millions of youngsters across the world.

Eurovision Thong Contest

Following the humiliating 'nul points defeat in the Eurovision Song Contest, the cunning British have changed the rules to make the competition fairer.

Rowling 'can't be arsed' to write next Harry Potter book

JK Rowling has declared that she "can't be arsed" to write the next Harry Potter book.

Teletubbies under FBI investigation

Favourite show to kids and adults alike, the Teletubbies are currently under FBI investigation due to allegations of releasing national security information to terrorist organisations and underworld cultists.

TV Talk: Trista Pregnant, Ryan Furious

Confirming circulating rumors that have been the buzz of the underground reality TV circuit, Trista (of "The Bachelorette" and "Trista & Ryan's Wedding" fame) has confirmed that she is indeed with child... and it's NOT Rya...

Coming Soon: Survivor 9

Earlier today, CBS President Les Moonves announced that with the Fall 2004 season, there would be some "big changes" to the format of their wildly popular "Survivor" program. CBS announced earlier this year that it would be airing the 8th Survivor, "...

Kermit The Frog Endorses Howard Dean

Montpelier Vermont: In a speech to save the nations wet lands, entertainer Kermit The Frog announced that he will back former Vermont Governor Howard Dean's bid for the 2004 Democratic nomination.

Cradle of Filth to be Christmas Number 1

The latest UK music singles sales figures suggest that Death Metal band Cradle of Filth are on course for their first Christmas number 1.

Taco Bell Dog Enters Rehab

Los Angeles California Former Taco Bell spokesman "Guapo El Perro" checked into the Betty Ford clinic today for treatment related to alcohol abuse. Mr. El Perro's agent Joseph Camel stated that hard times have fallen on the once beloved mascot in the years since his contract with Taco Bell was dropped. "Mr. El Perro is commited to winning his battle with alcoholism and...

Fred Dibnah Creates World's First Steam-Powered Sex Toy

In an exclusive interview with TheSpoof.com, steam guru, Mr. Fred Dibnah, has revealed his latest contraption, the worlds first steam powered sex-toy.

Lonely-Hearts ads to become entirely acronyms

Lonely-Hearts adverts that you may see at the back of any tabloid newspaper or magazine, are set to become even more cryptic. Many tabloid newspapers have released a statement to the effect that all adverts will become entirely acronym based, in orde...

Japanese Sex Relief

In a bid to irradicate stress from the workplace, Japanese bosses have ordered their workforce to have designated sex-breaks during the day to keep levels of stress to an absolute minimum.

Matrix 4 in the Pipeline

The Wachowski Bros. are reported to be in the late stages of writing the script for a continuing episode to their Matrix series. Titled, "Beginnings", Matrix 4 depicts the build up to the rise of the machines against the human race and is a...

US Launches Attack on Iceland

In a shocking speech early this morning, President of America George Bush announced that the American army would be launching an attack on Iceland. The world looks on as America once again makes an attack on an opponent that is not fully equipped to...

Ewan McGregors Nude Scene: the LONG story

Ewan McGregors latest nude scene in his latest movie "Young Adam" has been cut out of the US version, because his "penis is too long" and "disgraces the presidents flava"...

Michael Jackson arrested for thinking about his childhood

Crazy popstar, Michael Jackson, has been arrested this morning in relation to findings made during the search on his Neverland ranch. Jackson, 45, was taken into custody without any signs of struggle other than his torn clothes and bloodied face.

Mickey Mouse suffers Massive Stroke on Birthday!

A sad day for the Disney fans everywhere. On the morning of Mickey's 75th birthday, he was the victim of a massive stroke. The extent of the damage is not yet known but Goofy was overheard saying that "Old Mick" was slurring his words...

Father Christmas 'lazy and fat' says Mrs. Christmas

Mrs Christmas' latest tirade against her husband has sparked interest amongst media moguls and advertising men. The portly old lady has criticised her husband for being 'lazy and fat'. Mr Christmas (also known as 'Father' Christma...

Queen in shock after Bush faux pas

LONDON - George W Bush was given a frosty reception at Buckingham Palace last night - after the US president mistook the Queen for her late mother.

Bringing Home The Bacon

Miss Piggy is set to give birth to triplets in the new year, our story comes straight from Hollywood.

White House Unveils Global Warming PR Campaign

Washington DC: Responding to worldwide criticism of its environmental policies, the Bush Administration has announced a new public information and awareness campaign entitled "Beyond Kyoto: A New Look At Global Warming."...

Freephone Numbers Are The New Sex Chatlines

Bernard Blunt, a sad loner, boasted to his mates about a whole new world that had opened up for him.

Richie Rich Caught on Gay Party Tape

The aristocratic community was stunned today when a video tape surfaced depicting "poor little rich boy" Richie Rich using drugs heavily and engaging in homosexual acts.

Michael Jackson: Sexiest Man Alive

People Magazine announced today its' selection for its' yearly Sexiest Man Alive---Michael Jackson.

Tom Cruise Cured of Dyslexia

American Superstar Tom Cruise has been cured of Dyslexia, Tokyo General Hospital announced recently.

Nuclear Incident Blamed on Gamer

Shock and awe in the White House today as one of America's nuclear warheads went on its merry way to China. A gamer playing Command & Conquer: Generals online launched a nuclear weapon on the game, which unfortunately triggered a real nuclear str...

Mick Jagger Turns Down Knighthood

In a stunning announcement, Mick Jagger, erstwhile gigolo and frontman for the Rolling Stones, declared that he would not be accepting his MBE (knighthood) from the Queen unless he could "shag some Royal arse anytime he pleases."...

Timberlake Loves to Stroke his One-Eyed Trousersnake

Justin 'Cuddly-Buns' Timberlake has revealed his hidden secret: he has a three-foot trousersnake. Pop star and all-round bad-boy type Justin admitted to teen magazine 'Just Hit Puberty' that he is the proud owner of a 36 Inch beast, w...

Charles Manson Released From Prison

A California Judge has ordered the immediate release of Charles Manson from prison. Manson was serving a life sentence after he was convicted of seven counts of first-degree murder almost 35 years ago.

Michael Jackson escapes from police

Dangerous kiddie-snaffler Michael Jackson has escaped from custody today, and made off with an Ice Cream van which he plans to use to lure children into his clutches.

Kylie video-game set to be smasher!

Rage software have released details of their upcoming game, "Kylie: Unleashed!". The game, set to release on X-Box, PS2 and Game Cube, stars diminutive popstrel Kylie Minogue and is said to be mostly about her arse.

Charlie's Angels 3: Prince Charles to become movie star

Latest buzz from Hollywood is that the Prince of Wales, Charles Windsor, is set to star alongside Diaz, Liu and Barrymore in the next installment of the Charlie's Angels series.

Terror alert system gets new "lavender" color: Chertoff's family worried

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced yesterday that the five colors on the terror alert scale just aren't enough, and plans to add a sixth color - lavender - to the list. The new color is to be put between white, or "nor...

Keanu Reeves Home Raided For Animal Endangerment

Early Tuesday morning the Los Angeles County sheriffs department raided actor Keanu Reeves' Hollywood estate. The raid took place after an anonymous tip made the week before. Reeves was taken out in hand cuffs and animal control officers carted off d...

Peter Parker took naked pictures of my wife

When I first beat the shit out of Peter Parker, it felt good. He'd been spying on us for a while, taking snapshots on the streets, up the stairwell to our apartment, even from outside the apartment window - and we live on the forty-second floor! God knows how he got out there... But yeah, I ripped into the son of a bitch outside McDonalds. He was taking a photo of me eating a Bac...

Crackle, of famed trio Snap, Crackle, and Pop, dies

Crackle, of the famed trio that graced Rice Krispie boxes for decades, has passed away, a company spokesman said today.

Tom Hanks A Violent Drunk, Friends Say

The most beloved personality of our generation seems to have a hidden dark side according to those close to him. Tom Hanks (not to be confused with Tom Cruise) apparently can't control his emotions once he has partaken of adult beverages.

Is The US Flag Satanistic?

Yes, it is true. Our beloved American flag, which has been gazed lovingly upon by many a patriotic American, is indeed a complex pattern incorporating more Satanistic symbols than the T-shirts worn by six hundred and sixty-six crazed Ozzy Osbourne fa...

Willy Wonka Accused of Sweatshop Practices

Willy Wonka, that crazy singing king of candy, was accused Wednesday of putting Oompa Loompa children to work in his famous chocolate factory and abusing them.

Nuns Get Sexy Aguilera Habits

The Pope was visibly excited yesterday when he had an audience with nuns wearing daring Christina Aguilera outfits.

Being Drunk Just More Fun, Geopolitical Study Finds

CONNECTICUT-Yale University released the findings of its three-year long and much debated study on the popularity of drinking yesterday. Dr Bradley Denton, chief researcher and professor at the university, released the results to the public at a pres...

Welsh admit, "Our language is a scam"

Today the Welsh Assembly confirmed long held suspicions - that the Welsh language is only there to piss the English off.

Michael Jackson's Obsession With Children: The Truth

Michael Jackson has revealed that his obsession with children is not sexual in nature, but is instead linked to his desire to remain "forever young". The forty-five year old singer, once a child star himself, is said to be devastated by the...

Beef farmer finds wife in bed with prize heifer

Beef farming, the latest vogue in farming circles, has turned one happy farmer's long love affair with the business, in to one big nightmare.

Penguins - I hates 'em!

I don't really know what it is that I truly loathe about Penguins. I think it's partially due to comments like: "Awww...but the itty-bitty pengy-win is sooo cute!". Hmmm - you have to worry about comments like that. Given half the chance, that penguin would have you on your back, spreading your liver across a Ritz cracker before you could say "Mary Poppins". I gu...

New Diet Water: Negative One Calorie

Coca Cola has announced the forthcoming release of its newest product line, Diet Water, which offers "not just zero calories---but negative one calorie" .

Pope says 'yes' to flavoured condoms

Pope John Paul II has advocated the used of flavoured condoms after Vatican researchers discovered they are technically classified as novelty toys' rather than contraceptives.

David Blaine Claims His Feet Are Killing Him

David Blaine,the top escapologist and yoga expert, made legal history when he became the first person to get his feet convicted of attempted murder.

Sexed-Up Dossier : Exclusive

TheSpoof.com has acquired exclusive access to the fully "sexed-up" dossier, as amended by Alistair Campbell MP.

UK Pop Idol show rocked by Simon Cowell's honest opinion

Popular song-singing, gameshow-without-a-game, Pop Idol, has been rocked to its foundations by claims that Simon Cowell is simply "being honest".

The real deal on food

A.A. Gill is a damn liar. 'The Sunday Times' columnist has, for many years now, fooled the nation's broadsheet-buying public into thinking that he was a food critic. Fools! "Gill" (if, I very much doubt, that is his real name) can now be exposed as the fraud that he truly is. For while the words underneath his name may say 'Food Critic', have you ever actual...

McDonalds To Introduce New 'Meat' Burger

NEW YORK-Announced today for the first time, McDonald's revealed its plans to incorporate a new 'McMeat Burger' into its menu. "We set out on this project looking to create a product that the average concerned carnivore would want to consume," said J...

Quack dies in homeopathy overdose

Dr Moira Spinx, a not-at-all respected quack and practitioner of homeopathic remedies, has died after taking an overdose of Belladonna, also known as Deadly Nightshade.

No more nonsense sayings: it confuses the thicks

It has been announced today that people will be banned from saying things that dont make sense. The proposed penalty for such an offence will be a sharp greeting from Mr. Truncheon, followed by a swift frog march down to spend some time at Her Majest...

Demi Moore splits with Kutcher after love prank

Demi Moore has sensationally split up with younger boyfriend Ashton Kutcher - after discovering that their eight month relationship was a practical joke for his TV show Punk'd'.

Tennis Craze Hits UK Pubs

As is usual at this time of year the tennis craze has hit the UK hard, with the Queens and Wimbledon tournaments making the brits literally drool whilst watching in an often comatose and inebriated state. Pubs have been quick to latch on to this craz...

Dead man refuses to comment on tax-evasion

Jeff Blake, 143, has refused to comment to journalists on his apparently scandelous attempts at tax-evasion. Jeff, who died at age 82, is being investigated by US detectives for his non-compliance.

George W. Bush's Long, Lost Twin Found!

In Washington yesterday, President George W. Bush was reunited with his long, lost twin brother, Greg, William Baker (Bush). For years it had been a secret in the Bush family that George had a twin.

Queer Eye For That Saddam Guy

The Bravo Network is announcing that it has shot and will air an episode of its highly popular reality TV program in which some gay men do a total makeover on a needy heterosexual male.

Dusty Bin to become gay icon

3-2-1's most famous asset - the Bin - has been taken high upon the shoulders of self-proclaimed "gay people", and is set to become the next big thing amongst queers.

A New Alternative to Fossil Fuels?

Several days ago eyewitnesses at a Californian dock caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a man producing fire from his hiney-hole!...

Britney's Sexy Christmas Tree

Sexy Britney got a pleasant surprise when he got her Christmas tree home and it began singing raunchy Spice Girls hits.

Ronald McDonald Is Loving It!

The fast food chain McDonalds was shocked yesterday as it's most famous icon, Ronald McDonald, was charged with downloading offensive images from the internet. His laptop, pictured above, was confiscated pending a police investigation. The clow...

Britney's Haunted Bra

Sex goddess, Britney Spears, astounded her fans with claims that her bra was haunted by the ghost of Elvis.

French war with Belgium will not go ahead, Belgian army not real.

France today backed down on its threat to go to war with Belgium after the Belgian government admitted, "Our army is fake!"...

R Kelly on career high after child sex allegations

The latest sales figures for the UK album chart suggest R & B crooner R Kelly's new album: "Chocolate Factory" is actually selling better amidst allegations that R Kelly has slept with a minor.

Giant cheque businesses face tricky period

The giant cheque business is allegedly about to go bust. With the two main events of the year which see a dramatic climb in sales now over with the industry is going to have to weather the storm.

Cliff Richard Releases Late Christmas Single

Old School rock star, Sir Cliff Richard is due to release his Christmas single this Friday lagging far behind his competitors.

Belgium Sucks

According to a new poll, Belgium is the world's most boring country. Belgian ministers are said to be shocked by the revelation and they have attempted to defend their country.

Disney to Open 'California Disaster' Theme Park

LOS ANGELES-Michael Eisner unveiled his plans today to remodel the failing California Adventure' theme park into one which he feels more fitting and will draw a wider, more appreciative audience.

Bush to Saddam: "You've been punk'd!"

WASHINGTON D.C.-In what was revealed yesterday as the biggest prank in the history of the world, President Bush made an announcement to former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein: "You've been punk'd, bitch!"...

Bush To Eliminate Seperation of Church and State, Claims to Be "Divine"

Washington DC: Speaking from the White House Press Room, President Bush announced today that the US will do away with the notion of Church and State.

Noel Edmonds to Bid for Conservative Leadership

Poor quality entertainer and all round c-list celebrity, Noel Edmonds, has begun a campaign to become leader of the Conservative Party.

Bush's Royal Rumble

Royal cleaner Edith Marigold, 59, today revealed sickening intimate details of the recent Presidential stay in Buckingham Palace.

Stop respecting our privacy!

The Zeta Jones - Douglas's sue again!...

Potter Creator Arrested

Creator of Harry Potter, J. K. Rowling was arrested at lunch today on a charge of causing death by misadventure of a group of school children at their primary school.

Wal-Mart to please shoppers with Self Shopping carts!

Wal-Mart is set to unveil the latest member of their family this spring. This item will not be gracing their shelves however, but their sales floor itself. Self Shopping Carts will be introduced in late March to select stores and will be in all store...

Princess Royal Put Down

In a bizarre veterinary accident, Princess Anne has been put down instead of her Bull Terrier, Florence. The Princess Royal had decided to kill her beloved pet after the dog had first torn apart one of her mothers Corgis then bit one of the maids at...

Spoof news stories from 2003

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