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Showing jokes submitted by Matt Birkenhauer.


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Trump Jockey

Donald Trump, for his highly scripted interview with Bishop Wayne T. Jackson at Great Faith Ministries International, will appear attired in a traditional jockey outfit sporting a red vest and a red ball...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 September 2016

FOX News, Fairly Unbalanced

At the gym I work out at, where the clientele (like me) are mostly middle-aged or older, FOX News is inevitably on in the changing room. If I were a Martian working out at this gym and only seeing the...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 28 August 2016

"Make America Great Again"

From the conservative dark / Into the ethical life / The dense commuters come. September 1, 1939, W. H. Auden Lets Make America Great Again The orange-haired demagogue proclaims. But Make America Hate...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 18 July 2016

Trump: "I love the Blacks"

I love the vets. I love the Blacks. I love the women. I love the Second Amendment. I love the Hispanics. I love the guns. I love the USA. With the way Donald Trump throws around the word love, do you...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 May 2016

"Jesus Wants Us to Be Responsible"

Jesus Wants Us to Be Responsible I read on a marquee in front of a local church, and was, as usual, perplexed. Isnt being an adult characterized, in part, by our wanting OURSLEVES to be responsible for...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 May 2016

"Oh, I Can't Complain"

Oh, I cant complain. As a stock response (what linguists sometimes call an example of phatic communication), I find this phrase really annoying for two reasons 1) Its not true because you CAN complain,...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 May 2016

Pity the Poor Pundit

It must be hard, these days, to be a political pundit. After all, how many different ways can pundits find of calling (without actually using the word), the base of the Republican Party stupid because...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 May 2016

Amercain Political Dictionary

misspeak v. The act of commenting on an issue by a politician who is making shit up as he or she is being interviewed by a news anchor and, after...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 April 2016

Republican Diversity Efforts

OK. So Ive been pretty hard recently on the Republican Party with family, friends, and acquaintances. Lets give them credit, after all, for their attempts to increase their base through their diversity...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 23 March 2016

American Political Dictionary: "Religious Liberty"

I heard again, on a morning news cable show, the term religious liberty. As anyone with half a brain knows, this is a euphemism (worthy of the wily wordsmith Frank Luntz) that really means religious...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 March 2016

Bible Study

Ive never understood Bible Study. If a book is revelation (a usually secret or surprising fact that is made known, Merriam-Webster Online) or revelatory (making something known: revealing something...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 21 January 2016

Why Atheists Don't Blow Themselves Up

How often do you see atheists strap themselves to a bomb and then blow themselves and others up? That particular pathology seems to be one of the symptoms of theism, not atheism. Atheists are much too...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 November 2015

Attending the Pre-event

On television (from a show on real estate): People attending the pre-event should be prepared to--Aside from the lovely alliteration here, how does one attend a pre-event? Or more to the point, when...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 October 2015

Speaking Inartfully

American Political Dictionary: Inartful. This morning on This Week, State of the Nation, and other cable news shows, I heard that Jeb Bush spoke inartfully this week, and that what Kevin McCarthy said...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 October 2015

Gotcha Question Defined

From The American Political Dictionary gotcha question /ga-cha kwes-chen/: a question asked by an interviewer of a candidate who has no idea how to answer it, and is offended that someone should have the...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 September 2015

Debating Naked, on FOX

I watched the last two minutes of Dating Naked tonight. Never have I laughed so loud and long at earnest, naked people (with their privates blurred out) trying (but failing) to engage in the art of conversation....

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 August 2015

The Pledge of Allegiance to the Confederate Flag

To be recited before the sides of barns and bumper stickers adorning pickup trucks all over the South. I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the Confederate States of America, and to the Republic of slave owners,...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 12 July 2015

Robocall

Today is Election Day. Hi. This is Matt Levin. Im a Christian, a Conservative, Pro-life, and a husband and father of nine children, five of my own and four adopted. Although my wife and I have the wealth...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 May 2015

Panic Button

I get a new pair of keys for the car we recently bought. Of course, it has a panic button on it; and, confused, I press it instead of the unlock button and then that loud, annoying honking starts and...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 May 2015

Purina Priapic Formula for Older Dogs (Advertisement)

CLOSE-UP of a sleeping dog. Then cut away to a dog in his apartment, with a cute collie named Denise, and Barry Whites Cant Get Enough of Your Love, Bitch playing in the background. Cut to dog sleeping,...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 17 March 2015

That's a good wittle one percent!

Oh, does the poor wittle wealthy not want their taxes waised to help the struggling middle class? Does they not want Obama to do what presidents have done at least since the Eisenhower Adminstwation?...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 January 2015

Ah, that's so CUTE!

At dinner tonight, we had a long and heated conversation over the topic of teleology--over whether, in other words, we live in a purposeful universe. When a student of 19 or 20 writes, in a paper about...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 26 November 2014

Two Limericks

As an occasional versifier from Kentucky, Im ashamed of the partial birth limerick that Senator Rand Paul delivered at Saturdays Fancy Farm Picnic. (To Sen. Pauls credit, however, you can tell he didnt...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 August 2014

Zealot Repellent

This morning a woman rang our doorbell, offering our family a Bible and clearly wanting to share with me her faith journey, hoping, no doubt, that I would join her. I then explained to her that we already...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 August 2014
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