Showing jokes submitted by Matt Birkenhauer.

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Purina Priapic Formula for Older Dogs (Advertisement)

CLOSE-UP of a sleeping dog. Then cut away to a dog in his apartment, with a cute collie named Denise, and Barry Whites Cant Get Enough of Your Love, Bitch playing in the background. Cut to dog sleeping,...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 17 March 2015

That's a good wittle one percent!

Oh, does the poor wittle wealthy not want their taxes waised to help the struggling middle class? Does they not want Obama to do what presidents have done at least since the Eisenhower Adminstwation?...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 January 2015

Ah, that's so CUTE!

At dinner tonight, we had a long and heated conversation over the topic of teleology--over whether, in other words, we live in a purposeful universe. When a student of 19 or 20 writes, in a paper about...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 26 November 2014

Two Limericks

As an occasional versifier from Kentucky, Im ashamed of the partial birth limerick that Senator Rand Paul delivered at Saturdays Fancy Farm Picnic. (To Sen. Pauls credit, however, you can tell he didnt...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 August 2014

Zealot Repellent

This morning a woman rang our doorbell, offering our family a Bible and clearly wanting to share with me her faith journey, hoping, no doubt, that I would join her. I then explained to her that we already...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 August 2014

Second Amendment Rewrite

Since the NRA finds this phrase--being necessary to the security of a free state--so pesky anyway, here is my proposal for rewriting the 2nd Amendment: A well regulated Militia, being necessary...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 30 May 2014

MacDonald's Is Your Kind of Place

(To be sung to that tune so many of us in our 40s and 50s know so well) MacDonalds is your kind of place Its such a happy place (Unless your pay cant keep pace With the cost of living today)....

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 May 2014

Pledge of Allegiance Rewrite

Its time to rewrite the Pledge of Allegiance in light of the McCutcheon v. Federal Election Commission Decision. Heres my version, which is both more accurate and will please those cranky atheists like...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 05 April 2014

Pope Francis Endorses Richard Dawkins

My nephew got me Richard Dawkins The God Delusion for Christmas. One blurb in the newer edition, by Pope Francis, reads, This is the best...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 December 2013

"Away in a Manger" in the Age of Austerity

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed The little Lord Jesus lay down His sweet head. The stars in the bright sky looked down where He lay The...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 06 December 2013

American Psycho

My son talked me into finally seeing American Psycho tonight. He said it was about greed in the 1980s. I thought it was a metaphor for the contemporary...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 28 November 2013

Jingle Bells, Shotgun Shells

On Wayne LaPierres latest salvo against President Obama Jingle...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 July 2013

Joyce Kilmer's "Trees," Refined and Improved

Dedicated to David and Charles Koch I hope that I shall never see A closed down oil refinery. A plant whose hungry maws not pressed Against the sweet earths...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 12 July 2013

In Guns We Trust

In Guns We Trust, a poem by Dwayne LOrdure, CEO and Executive Vice President of the MRA (Maniacal Rifle Association). In Guns We Trust I think should be Impressed...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 July 2013

The Frazzled Shepherd to His Overworked Nymph

With apologies to Marlowe and Raleigh Come live with me and be my love And well pursue our dual careers. For cars and meals, a roof above Call for two paychecks now,...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 July 2013

Facebook Un-meme ("I Was Raised!")

I was CLONED! I didnt just grow up. I was grown up. I was genetically programmed to speak when I enter a room, say please and thank you, and to have respect for my creators, to get off my cloned ass and let the guy in the white coat have my chair (or kidney or lung or whatever he asked for), say, Yes human or No human, lend a helping hand to those who made...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 05 July 2013

Facebook Un-meme (on Guardian Angels)

Hey you! No, you schmuck. If you have taken a minute to read this, the angels have seen you struggling with something and are laughing their asses off because you arent taking responsibility for your...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 28 June 2013

Of Romney-Ryan Land I Speak

(with apologies to e.e. cummings) (of Romney-Ryan Land I speak sweet morons gather roun who does not dare to stand or sit may take it lying down) down with Obamacare and anything else humane for everyone...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 14 June 2013

Elegy, for Helen Steiner Rice

Helen Steiner Rice is dead. She rhymed herself to death, its said. Chirping gladly at the sunrise (Apparently with no surprise) She put her final rhyme to bed. God, to spite old Lucifer, Sent Helen Steiner...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 18 May 2013

"Imagine" Re-imagined by the Tea Party

Imagine Re-imagined by the Tea Party Imagine theres no Gospel Its easy if you try No poor people around us Above us only sky Imagine all the poor, going hungry today Imagine theres no taxes It isnt hard to...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 May 2013

Typing in My Dorm on a Blurry Morning

Typing in My Dorm on a Blurry Morning Whose words these are I think I know. His essays on the web, although He will not mind me typing here To fill my paper up with snow. My roommate now must think it queer...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 May 2013

Little Lambs

Little Lambs With Apologies to William Blake. Little Lamb, who shot thee? Dost thou know who shot thee? Mowed thee down, and bid thee bleed, In the hall and oer the mead; Gave thee clothing for entombment,...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 18 January 2013
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