Showing jokes submitted by Matt Birkenhauer.

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Halloween Joke

This year at the annual White House Halloween Party . . . ....

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 05 October 2017

Fire and Fury

(With apologies to Robert Frost)...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 19 September 2017

Don't Know Much About History

Dont know much about history...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 28 July 2017

Not Many People Know This . . . .

How fucking stupid is our president? Did you ever notice how often he appends, to many well-known facts, A lot of people dont know that . . . , or some such qualifier?...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 14 July 2017

Excerpt From John Fitzgerald Trump's America First Speech:

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do to further enrich me--ask what you can do to further enrich me and the billionaires who make up my cabinet....

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 27 May 2017

Pre-existing Condition

Im beginning to think, for a little under half of the voting population, that stupidity may be a pre-existing condition which, unfortunately, isnt covered by Trump Care or most health insurance policies,...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 09 May 2017

For the Gorification of Christ

Its Easter and again, there is heightened security all over the world as the three Abrahamic religions threaten to maim and kill each other. I wonder if at least one of these three religions might consider...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 16 April 2017

Manifesting Wealth (for middle and upper-middle class white women)

So nice of the Universe to dispense favors to middle- and upper-middle class white women who have read Rhonda Byrnes The Secret. Oh, if only the Universe would act as a Cosmic ATM Machine for the developing...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 April 2017

Finding Jesus

Im watching Finding Jesus on CNN for the umpteenth time (where the Jesus looks whiter than a Georgia country club). CNN shows this schmaltz every year to prime credulous Christians for the gory spectacle...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 27 February 2017

Winter is Coming

Today Punxsutawney Phil woke up after a long hibernation, hungrily scarfed down a very large breakfast, and then turned on cable news, at which point he discovered that Donald Trump had been elected President...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 February 2017

Trump World

I love the fact that the gym where I work out now has two scales, one digital and the other analog. Now after Im through with my workout, I can get a second opinion (or alternative fact, by which Im a trim, muscled...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 26 January 2017


This Seasons Big Seller: A selfie stick called the Narcis-stick. Comes with Snapchat, or whatever the hell the newest app is that allows us to validate our existence by sharing every brief and banal...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 21 December 2016

All I Want for Christmas Is a Pocket Catheter

After spending way too much time, over the last six months, watching the various cable news outlets in the morning, I have been programmed to want the following for Christmas: A self-lubricating pocket...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 12 December 2016

Trump Jockey

Donald Trump, for his highly scripted interview with Bishop Wayne T. Jackson at Great Faith Ministries International, will appear attired in a traditional jockey outfit sporting a red vest and a red ball...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 September 2016

FOX News, Fairly Unbalanced

At the gym I work out at, where the clientele (like me) are mostly middle-aged or older, FOX News is inevitably on in the changing room. If I were a Martian working out at this gym and only seeing the...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 28 August 2016

"Make America Great Again"

From the conservative dark / Into the ethical life / The dense commuters come. September 1, 1939, W. H. Auden Lets Make America Great Again The orange-haired demagogue proclaims. But Make America Hate...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 18 July 2016

Trump: "I love the Blacks"

I love the vets. I love the Blacks. I love the women. I love the Second Amendment. I love the Hispanics. I love the guns. I love the USA. With the way Donald Trump throws around the word love, do you...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 May 2016

"Jesus Wants Us to Be Responsible"

Jesus Wants Us to Be Responsible I read on a marquee in front of a local church, and was, as usual, perplexed. Isnt being an adult characterized, in part, by our wanting OURSLEVES to be responsible for...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 May 2016

"Oh, I Can't Complain"

Oh, I cant complain. As a stock response (what linguists sometimes call an example of phatic communication), I find this phrase really annoying for two reasons 1) Its not true because you CAN complain,...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 May 2016

Pity the Poor Pundit

It must be hard, these days, to be a political pundit. After all, how many different ways can pundits find of calling (without actually using the word), the base of the Republican Party stupid because...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 May 2016

Amercain Political Dictionary

misspeak v. The act of commenting on an issue by a politician who is making shit up as he or she is being interviewed by a news anchor and, after...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 April 2016

Republican Diversity Efforts

OK. So Ive been pretty hard recently on the Republican Party with family, friends, and acquaintances. Lets give them credit, after all, for their attempts to increase their base through their diversity...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 23 March 2016

American Political Dictionary: "Religious Liberty"

I heard again, on a morning news cable show, the term religious liberty. As anyone with half a brain knows, this is a euphemism (worthy of the wily wordsmith Frank Luntz) that really means religious...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 March 2016

Bible Study

Ive never understood Bible Study. If a book is revelation (a usually secret or surprising fact that is made known, Merriam-Webster Online) or revelatory (making something known: revealing something...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 21 January 2016
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