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Judas - The Bastard

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand...

submitted by D P Whitehead, 27 March 2014

He's assumed room temperature!

Why do police, doctors, coroners say that? Looks like hes assumed room temperature alright. It doesnt make sense. Room temperature changes with whatever the thermometer says it is. Lets say its 90 degrees. Someone...

submitted by Bureau, 27 March 2014

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter...

submitted by D P Whitehead, 27 March 2014

Sex different for Women

Sex is different for a woman than a man. You guys are really wanting to cut to the chase. But we women like to have a good warm-up session. Like I told Moleturd the other night. Nothing happens until at least 15 minutes...

submitted by Bureau, 27 March 2014

One Word That Destroys Marriages

If there is one word that destroys a marriage it is What?. Its usually followed by, I told you that yesterday, didnt you hear me? If I heard you, would I be asking? The washing machine was on. What? I said, I probably...

submitted by Bureau, 27 March 2014

Parrott

A quiet, polite man owns a disgusting, foul mouthed parrot. One day, it gets to be too much, so the man locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. When the man finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities,...

submitted by D P Whitehead, 27 March 2014

Beat The Meat

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, Whats this about? The bartender replies, Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you...

submitted by D P Whitehead, 27 March 2014

Afraid Not. I'm a frayed knot.

A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says get out, we dont serve ropes in here! The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he...

submitted by D P Whitehead, 27 March 2014

Mexicans

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asks. The man responds,...

submitted by D P Whitehead, 27 March 2014

DUI

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, Wow, look at our cars -- theres nothing left! This...

submitted by D P Whitehead, 27 March 2014

Of All Places, The Ghost Comes Here

Just my luck: After eating all those cheese sandwiches at home and getting all stopped up and taking one laxative after another, here we are at the biggest event of the year at my companys annual office...

submitted by Bureau, 26 March 2014

I'm Twice As Big!

The ad stated that their product would make me twice as big as I was so I thought, for that price, I may as well give them a try. I should have read the small print. I now weigh 390 pounds where I once...

submitted by Bureau, 26 March 2014

Imaginary Friend Wearing Clothes?

The imaginary friend I had as a child was actually a real person. It really shook me up when I saw him at Kroger the other day. He was putting a can of green beans into his cart. And get this: He was wearing...

submitted by Bureau, 26 March 2014

Wife Butt Like Two Cantaloupes!

My new little brides breasts remind me of two nice firm cantaloupes, and her butt as she walks is like two beautiful pumpkins moving in a silk bag. Her complexion like that of a fresh orange just turning...

submitted by Bureau, 26 March 2014

Moleturd's Lament

I knew my sister was just waiting until Mommy wasnt around before she started picking on me again. She does it every time Mommy leaves and there she goes wiggling her ears and sticking out her upper plate...

submitted by Bureau, 25 March 2014

Boss Son Wearing Only Socks!

One of my favorite activities is surfing the net while sitting stark naked in my chair. Im still not sure why they fired me, though, because I only did it during my break. What about the bosses son coming...

submitted by Bureau, 25 March 2014

Those Bigger Is Better Ads Are True

After all the e-mails and penis lengthening exercises, I think the wife is finally beginning to notice, because I overheard her telling our next door neighbor that I had became an even bigger dick than...

submitted by Bureau, 25 March 2014

Winfrey Sells Haunted Studio

Oprah Winfrey has sold her old studio, Harpo Studios. Workers there say that the place is haunted. Its probably all those people Dr. Oz used to talk...

submitted by Bureau, 24 March 2014

Missed Us By A Hair

Just today scientists revealed that there really was a massive solar blast that narrowly missed the Earth back two years ago. They didnt tell us because...

submitted by Bureau, 24 March 2014

Make Abe Vigoda Look Pretty

Whenever youre watching the fights on television and the flat-nosed champion has 25 wins and no losses while the cauliflower-eared, crooked-nosed challenger, has 21 wins and one loss, do you ever wonder...

submitted by Bureau, 24 March 2014

John Doe #247

I realize that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but did it have to be this horrible stench coming from somewhere in my hotel room? Oh yeah, that looks like the late and last John Doe before me,...

submitted by Bureau, 23 March 2014

Horse Biscuits & Monkey Shines

Typewriters! Typewriters! Thats it! I knew there was something badly wrong when I put all those monkeys in a room full of horse manure. I had somehow mixed it up with the one about that optimistic kid...

submitted by Bureau, 23 March 2014

Granny: Only Two Kinds. Big old good one & Good Old Bigguns!

My Grandmother says I never could understand women marrying one of those old farts that sat all day on park benches whittling, until one day I noticed what they were whittling out. Some were big old good...

submitted by Bureau, 23 March 2014

Stupid

This teacher wanted to try something different in the classroom. So she thought she would ask a question to start with that everyone would answer in the same way. Who in this class she asked thinks they are...

submitted by j.w., 23 March 2014
Showing page 5 (of 576 pages)


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