Jokes
Showing jokes submitted by j.w..
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Pun in the Eye
The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table is Sir Cumference who acquired his size from too much pi....
What will the neighbors say?
Distressed elderly woman: Officer that is my husband in the road....
Getting Lost
I was on this pub crawl and had had a few when the cry went out - lets go the The Weir. I didnt know where the Weir was. When I asked a passer by - Wheres the Weir he replied Where do you think it is?...
It's Chinese to me
I went into this Chinese restaurant with a friend and we asked for the Duck. A while later our food arrived covered with a lid. I had a quick glance under the lid and saw two eyes looking at me! At my...
If I could live to 200
If I could live to 200 I might finish reading War Peace I might discover someone who would laugh at my jokes I might get interviewed as the oldest person who has lived on earth I might annoy lots more...
Play on Words
Its a play on words. Ive never known of a play without words Theres a mime Is it a deep mine? Pretty superficial I could do with a super facial It could improve your looks It appears so Pears are not...
Visit to the Hospital
Im here to see the Cardiologist. Hes died of a heart attack. Oh dear. Is there anyone else? Theres his registrar. That will be fine. Will I have to wait long. About a year. The appointments up for consideration...
Doctor Doctor
Doctor Doctor Ive got this pain in my neck. Have you been married long? Doctor doctor Ive ingrowing toenails. Well - cut you feet off. Doctor Doctor. Ive got diarrhoea! That must be absolute shit! Doctor Doctor....
Prisoner at the Bar
In all my years as a Judge you - Prisoner at the Bar - you take the Biscuit! You enter this famous shop in Bond Street dripping with jewels and sapphires and you steal the assistants biscuits! I can never resist a Bourbon....
Prisoner at the Bar
Prisoner at the Bar - what can I get you? Double vodka and coke my Lord. Now, now. Nothing illegal old chap. No its Coca Cola your Lordship. But youll spoil the vodka, old boy. If I might be so bold as to suggest it, my...
Prisoner at the Bar
Prisoner at the Bar - you have been found guilty of sexual misconduct. Have you anything to say before I sentence you? Yes, my Lord. If I may indulge you in a statement prepared in aticipation of this event. Get on with it!...
Jehovah's Witlessess
Jehovahs Witlessess at the door , dear. I dont believe it. Ive already told them that but they would like a word with you. Cant you get rid of them? They are very keen to speak to you. Pause So, what do you want? We want...
Doctor Doctor
Doctor Doctor - my wife says Im uncordinated - what can you do to help me? Well, in what way are you uncoordinated? I wear brown shoes with black trousers. My, my - as serious as that! Can you help me, Doctor? I can give you...
Telling Tales
Judge: William Tell - before I sentence you for killing your son, have you anything to say? William Tell: Yes, My Lord. When I put the apple on my sons head, the one incidentally that dropped on Isaac Newtons head and led to the...
New Definitions
The Oxford English Dictionary has issued the first list of several new definitions. Airing cupboard - Cupboard used to keep wigs warm. A Hearing - A tribunal where no one can hear what you say. Herring - a fish that has an extraordinary...
Bread & Cheese
Graces delivered by an ironic Pontius Pilate at his last supper: For Bread and Cheese and things on toast Thank Father, Son and Holy Ghost For what you are about to recieve Leave the Bread but eat the cheese Father, Son and Holy Ghost...
Misunderstandings
A misunderstanding - Voting LibDem to bring honesty back to politics A bad misunderstanding - Imprisoning the wrong person for a crime he didnt commit A grave misunderstanding -Burying someone when he is not dead. A gross misunderstanding...
Musical & other Misunderstandings
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof Louis Armstrong playing Tin Roof Blues Royal Garden Blues Wedding Off or No invitation to Wedding Is you is is is you ant my baby? Confused father at Maternity Ward Great Balls of Fire Kenny Ball celebrating in Moscow...
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