Jokes
Showing jokes submitted by whatinthe world.
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Climbing Everest
An Italian, German and Irishman are preparing to climb Mt Everest when the local press interview them about what their prospects are of ascending the massive mountain. I live close to the Alps, so I...
Hitchhikers
Two hitchhikers are thumbing a ride on an isolated highway when a sleek sports car being driven by platinum blonde woman pulls over. Hey you guys wanna lift? she shouts. No thanks says one of the...
Unlucky mail man
A postman is delivering mail when an out of control truck runs off the road and narrowly misses the postie. The truck driver emerges shaken and goes over to apologise to the mail man. Gee, I couldve killed you he says shaking the posties hand....
Barely legal
Once upon a time there were three bears who stumbled upon a quaint country cottage. Wandering inside, they found that the occupants were not home but had left their dinner uneaten on the supper table. The bears sat down and helped themselves to a feast fit for a king. Immediately, after that the bears ate some honey that was lying around in...
Dioctor's advice
Doctor: Now Mr Brown, youll have to give up smoking as your heart beat is very irregular. Patient: But I feel fine, Doctor, why the drastic action? Doctor: Well Mr Brown, the monitor gives me an accurate picture of your hearts exact health. Patient: Could this be terminal? Doctor: That can be arranged. Nurse, hand me the cyanide pills....
Astronauts
Two astronauts are space walking outside the International Space Station when one bumps into some space junk. Hey, look what I found the first astronaut cries. What...
Doctor and patient
Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got spots all over my body and Ive got a fever as well. Am I going to die? Doctor: Mrs Jones, youre alright. You just need a tablet and...
UFO police
A man is driving his car on the main highway when a UFO lands directly in front of him. The alien emerges from the craft and walks toward the mans car. Youve been clocked at excessive speed says the alien to the driver. Im going to have to apprehend you the alien adds. Shocked, the...
Joke #1
So theres this old fella, right, and hes lookin for a wife cos his old cheese has just left him, right. So walks into a shop, right, and sees what he thinks is the most lovely thing hes ever seen, right. So he walks over and puts his arm around it, right. You come...
Cannibals
An African explorer is captured by cannibals who promptly plan to consume his edible parts. As a departing gesture, they give him the opportunity to say some final words. Yeah says the heroic explorer when youre finished, dont forget to stew the leftovers with...
Superman
Superman is called to an incident where a man is trapped in an extensive building fire. Rescue authorities tell Superman that they cant do a thing to help and that his superpowers are the only thing that can save him. Heck cries Superman its my day off and Ive...
Where's the fire?
A Fire Chief is addressing his staff. We have the best record of any fire fighting unit in the country. No property lost in twelve months proclaims the Chief. Except a young fire officer comments. Except what? asks the Chief. Except one. Your car is on fire announces...
Car crash
Lorry driver crashes his vehicle into a bright red sports sedan. When he rushes out to see if other person is alright, he gets a big surprise when the Bee Gees hop out of the smashed car. You guys okay? the lorry driver enquires. Yeah declare the brothers Gibb were...
Thatcher
So Lenin and Marx are having a pint at the local when in walks Margaret Thatcher. Didnt think you mixed with radicals and lefties says Lenin to the former Prime Minister, why you here? Margaret delves...
Two men
Two men are walking along a road when a large rock drops on one of them, causing massive injuries. Henry, you alright? asks the other man. No, Ive just lost an arm, dammit! the injured person replies....
Death
Doctor examines his patient. Says patient I dont want to die, Doc! Dont be silly, we all have to die some time replies Doctor now sit still while I give you this lethal injection....
Latte
A man walks into a building and asks for a skinny latte. The guy behind the counter asks him if he wants a cake with his coffee. No replies the customer. Do you want a lolly? the host enquires again. No,...
Joke of a joke
Bryan goes to see his family doctor about a minor ailment he has. The Doctor listens intently and then asks Bryan Have you seen my new movie? Bryan looks confused and replies What? Doctor: Have you seen...
Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are applying for participation in a cross desert expedition
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are applying for participation in a cross desert expedition. They are asked what they would do to cope with oppressive desert heat. The Englishman says he would...
Horse joke
Horse wonders into a classy bar. It strolls up to barman, who looks...
Monkey talk
Three monkeys are swinging from tree to tree when on of them says to the others Hey, yknow what? My legs are hurting. Why is that? the other monkey asked. I just ran down to the markets to get some bananas and...
Doctor and me
I went to see my doctor for a check up and he asked me if Id been drinking alcohol. Shit yeah! I replied. Had two dozen cans just last night. Doctor smiled and said Wimp, I had three dozen on Wednesday night,...
Tiger's back
Tiger Woods has returned to competitive golf, birdying the first eight...
Red devil joke
Man dies and goes to heaven. Arriving at the pearly gates St Peter asks...
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